Overbearing mother causing obesity

smantha32

Honestly I would go far far away from her and don't tell her where you go.

I know it's your mom, but she seems very narcissistic. You'll probably never have the relationship with her you would like. I don't think she's capable of it.

eylia

Maybe you don't want it to change, you don't seem to want anyone's advice (most of which has been pretty much on point). She isn't causing your obesity, but maybe it's easier to have her around to blame for it. Complaining to a forum of strangers isn't a sign of maturity, nor is it going to fix anything. Especially not if you don't want to hear the truth at all. Read through your own posts and see if you think your own reactions are any better than what she's doing. Mum's do dishes, they nag, some call too often, they do laundry, they can be nosy, overbearing. If it's honestly destructive, cease the relationship. But otherwise, be an adult and deal with it like one. Screaming that you are doesn't make it so, neither do birthdays.

FrenchCanuck

im sorry but the fact of hearing i cant have a mother anymore scares me

sorry for annoying you all and bothering you and wasting your time

ill shut up now

SnazzIT

Hi there,

I am new to the site and have only just joined about a week ago. I understand totally what you are going through because my mother is more or less the same in her attitude towards me. However I am the eldest of eight children but she picks on me becasue in our culture the oldest is the one that takes the responsibilty and must uphold the family name.

I grew up literally afraid of my parents, but especially my mother, I could never talk to her without any condescending remarks or judgement. She always claimed that her being hard on me was to show me her love (which I never saw). She shows favouritsim amongst my siblings and I (me not being one of them, because unfortunately I lacked what was according to her view her beauty and grace). I was always reminded of how ugly or fat or dumb I was compared to the others.

I did weverything she wanted so that she could leave me alone. I tried to appease her out of guilt and it made me hate her sometimes. I ran away from home and married out of her blessing to get away from her control. My first marriage failed because she didn't know the boundaries of her control. I would literally go into a panic attack the moment she would call or make a visit, I would be short breathed and hands shaking all night in apprehension of her visit the next day.

I totally understand, I became so depressed and so overweight, by the time my third child was born and by then I was no longer with my first husband. My mother had some sort of hold on me and always made me feel small.

I no longer feel that, last Christmas I was able to stand up to her bullying and told her I had enough of her crap, she kicked me and my kids out so to this day although I came out shaking, I felt free for the first time in my life at the age of forty. Today I am remarried and so happy taking control of my life, I am slowly trying to lose the weight and making small changes to heal my scars from the past. I forgave my mother the moment I left her house but also made a vow that never again will I allow her to rule my life.

I hope you will one day feel the courage to stand up to her, it won't be easy but once you do you will realise that the heavy load on your shoulders will be lighter, you on;ly have room to carry your own load. Get yourself surrounded by people who will give you emotional support and who will give positive input. I have found a spiritual family and mentors who encourage me let go of people who are just going to drag you down with them. It wasn't until I finally realised that my relationship with my mother was toxic and actually negatively impacting my life that I realised that I had to let go until she is ready to listen.

I hope that helps you can add me if you want.

Best Wishes to you!

smantha32

im sorry but the fact of hearing i cant have a mother anymore scares me

sorry for annoying you all and bothering you and wasting your time

ill shut up now

I don't understand why you aren't more scared of a lifetime with the mother you do have.
Nothing anyone here can say will suddenly make your mother a nice person.

I wish you good luck though.

Gidzmo

1. Cut off all contact with her.
2. Get therapy for yourself.

Just because you're biologically related to her doesn't mean you're obligated to continue in an abusive relationship.

Change your phone number (for now). Work needs your number to contact you. Your mother does not need it, since she does not respect you.

Perhaps you can move (if possible).

dixiewhiskey

One thing I wanted to point out right off the top, she isn't causing your obesity. You are the only person that can make decisions to improve or impede your life. Just sayin

You can escape her. I have a Mom like that and I haven't talked to her in seven years. But you have to choose what you want. You can choose to continue to "be obese" or you can change that. You can continue to talk to Mom and complain somewhere else but the advice will still be the same

anemoneprose

I agree that moving will be more effective and easier than therapy.

You won't have to get a restraining order (which would be appropriate if it were anyone else), you don't have to hurt anyone's feelings, you don't have to bang your head against a wall. You'll be able to breathe easier, just live your life, see her for as short or long a time as you want. From there, all work details etc = private.

Distance will really easily solve a lot of your immediate problems with her. You'll still have other ones (worrying about her, for example), and therapy can help with "that*. (Therapy isn't necessarily about the therapist having lived through your and every possible experience. They can't. The things in the books are valuable, though -- changing your beliefs and thinking habits and emotional responses to things, there's a lot of research on how to do all that.)

Finally, it is TIME for you to develop relationships other than this one. It's likely she'll die before you will, and what then?

Nicolee_2014

Kill her :laugh:
just kidding

julzbennett

Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Her behaviour is innappropriate and abusive, and I have EVERY sympathy for the suffering that she has inflicted upon you. BUT if you let the same thing happen over an over there will be no change...and it is crazy to think otherwise.

She is happy with her behaviours, you are not happy with the effect they have on you. That means YOU have to change your behaviours and reactions. It sounds like she DOES need therapy, but YOU cannot control her, or you're just as bad as she is, so all you can do is deal with what has been handed to you...and take it upon yourself to seek support and strategies.

It makes me very sad that there are people in the world who can inflict this level of destruction upon their own children - I try and remind myself that MOST parents try and do their best, but their best isn't always right for their children. My mum worked really hard to ensure she had the money to pay for university for me and provide for the family...I think I would have rather spent more time with my mum and had a better relationship but she did what she thought was right and all I can do is learn from those mistakes and if/when I have a family make sure I don't repeat her behaviour.

BonnieandClyde29

I understand.

You need to cut off contact with her for now and get yourself into therapy.

She is not going to change. You have to change her power over you.

^^This, my uncle and Auntie were the same way they controlled my cousin, read her texts, diary, facebook, ect. follwed her to school when she had her own car, and they even put a GUN in her car, and called her university trying to get her expelled just because she moved 4 hours away. I always just tolerated them to keep the peace in my family until they blew my phone up while I was at work, literally had 20 long paragrah text messages, 30 missed phone calls, and I blew up at them and let them have it!!!

To this day my cousin refuses to talk to them. I grew up without a dad, and my mother and I had her ups and downs so when she kept threatening me I moved out at 17 and haven't been back since, she realized I guess what she is missing out on, and acts like a mom now. She thankfully didn't try to keep a lot of men in our lives but when she married my step father he was ok, and he is still around but my step brother did horrible things to me and i never told my mother because my step father spoiled my step brother let him get away with anything, and any time my parents fought they would tell me to not come home for a few days (I was like 14yrs old). So once I moved out I knew I didn't have to put up with it.

Same goes to you, you don't have to put up with it! Make sure she can't get in the house, get a restraining order if you have to unless she can agree to change how she acts towards you!!! You will be ok, you have your own life to live. Change your number if you have too get her trespassed from your work or let your bosses know she is not to come or call there. There is a way, and if she can't change then just leave her behind, I know that is very very hard but sometimes it changes people sometimes it doesn't. Don't give her the opportunity to take over your life now that you are on our own!!!

MyJourney1960

I didn't read the whole thread.

I am sorry for what you went through as a child. It's not fair, it's not your fault. We all should have parents who love and cherish us.

Life ain't always fair.

You need to - absolutely NEED TO - cut yourself off from your mom. I would also strongly suggest you go to a therapist again and work through this.

please know that you are a special person, and you deserve a normal life. at this point - the only person who can give you that gift is you. you are always looking for 'normalcy' with your mom, for 'how it SHOULD be', but what you are describing is not normal. she *can't* be different. all you can do is change how YOU react to her. and IMHO - you should distance yourself from her. without her in your life, without the constant drama, your life will change.

huge hugs.

pinkraynedropjacki

Do what I did when my mother got like that after leaving home (actually she was like that before it as well).... I stopped speaking to her totally. Actually stopped for years. I last spoke to her 3 days before she died. Even when my family contacted me & told me she had about a year to live (cancer of the lungs & brain) I didn't give a rats toss. I didn't care less. I still don't care less. I only spoke to her to make it ok for her to go... not for anyone else. I didn't even give her the address of where I live...not once. Changed my mobile number, my home number & packed up & moved to another part of the city. I also made it the same way for the rest of my side of the family..none of them know where I am & never will.

Nothing forcing you from having contact with her.

smantha32

Do what I did when my mother got like that after leaving home (actually she was like that before it as well).... I stopped speaking to her totally. Actually stopped for years.

She doesn't want to stop speaking to her. She's looking for some magic way to fix her mom's behavior.
All the posts saying "Sorry, you can only fix your own behavior", upset her.

Ang108

what's with the locks thing???

i never gave her a key!!!!!!!!!!!

im not gonna STOP LIVING and lock all my doors 24/7 and live like a hermit in my own house so that MOMMY doesnt make a surprise visit and come in my house when i left the door uncloked when im gardening outside.

I also live alone and have done so most of my life. The common sense I have in half of my brain tells me that it is smart to keep all entry/exit doors of my home locked. Locked doors do not a hermit make, attitude does. And what really saddens me is the idea that you are already a hermit, even with your doors open. Please do something, anything ....even if your mother does not listen....because it's all about your life, not hers.

JerseyGirlinTN

This is gonna be hard to hear, but you're in a co-dependent relationship with your mother. Every suggestion people have given you, you have explained why it hasn't worked or won't work. The EXACT same way an abused woman won't leave her abuser. The EXACT same way a family won't stop 'helping' an alcoholic.

You need to find a therapist who will help you deal with co-dependency issues.

You can only use mommy as an excuse for so long; you're an adult.

Ah, co-dependency at it's finest!!!

After reading yet more of your excuses, this is never going to change. You enjoy the misery. It gives you something to live for. She's a sadist/narcissist, you're the perpetual victim. Nothing is going to change because you don't want it to. If you didn't have her interfering in your life, you wouldn't know what to do.

So stop complaining about mommy; you've been given a whole TON of advice that you are refusing to take. In fact, you're justifying to yourself why you SHOULDN'T take all the advice.

lawkat

Does anyone here find it frustrating that a mother refuses to sit down to talk mother-daughter and actually finds sitting down two minutes is a chore but rather do her dishes and leave when she's done?

She sits down for her boyfriend to talk...
She sits down for strangers to talk...
But not for her daughter.
She thinks im boring?

She complains i dont call her often enough and when i do i have nothing to talk about,.
When its time to talk, she rather turn her back at me, do my dishes and leave!

wtf?

I am kind of wondering her side of the story. You keep saying she won't sit and talk with you. Why is that? Do you automatically make it a very hostile environment? I don't think you would know if you did, but the thing is there are two sides to every story and I don't think she is probably 100% at fault. How many dishes do you have in the sink? Have they been sitting there for a while and she worries that maybe they are going to attract bugs? There is more to this story than her not wanting to sit and talk.

As for her boyfriend throwing you down the stairs, what prompted it? You never said if you were having a fight with him or if he just shoved you. if he did, then you should have called the cops and had him arrested. You need to stand up for yourself and take responsibility. After years of therapy, I know I have not helped the relationship. Once again, it is coming to terms that she will never be the mother I want. You need to realize that too. She will never be the mother you want and you will never have that relationship you desire. If you think you won't be that way with your own child, you will probably be wrong. What if you have a daughter and she doesn't respond in the way you want or isn't as loving as you need? How will you behave towards her? Will you ignore her needs when she doesn't met yours? This is why you need therapy so you don't continue the toxic behavior. You are probably thinking you won't, but you sound very similar to your mother. You ignore what people are telling you, you don't see that you have anything wrong with you and you get hostile very quickly. You are probably more like her than you think.

CollieFit

After reading yet more of your excuses, this is never going to change. You enjoy the misery. It gives you something to live for. She's a sadist/narcissist, you're the perpetual victim. Nothing is going to change because you don't want it to. If you didn't have her interfering in your life, you wouldn't know what to do.

After having read the whole thread, that about sums it up. :drinker:

sharonfoustmills

You are an adult now- you are in control of your own life. Take control and fix these problems- that might mean not seeing your mother for a while, it probably does mean some therapy for you, and when you start to feel depressed or anxious you should exercise because it helps your mind and your body. Only you can do anything about this- your mom is not going to change and the enmeshment you two have is disastrous.

bethFromDayton

I will follow your advices to seek concelling once i get money for it.

What you dont understand is its hard for me because there is no one else in my life. My father is never around, i have no siblings and im not close to my cousins and aunts. I dont have friends and I suck at dating (i never dated much in my life) There is only me and my mother. If i cut off my mother, im alone.........

The thing is, you're *already* alone. Your mom is a negative in your life, not a positive--she's not even neutral. Maybe cutting her off is the right answer, maybe boundaries and distance and a more controlled relationship is the right answer--but what is happening is not.

Nobody said this is going to be easy. But one of the main things you have to understand is that she will NEVER be the mother you want her to be. NEVER. You will never have the relationship with her a child should have with their mother. That sucks. It isn't fair. It isn't what you want. But you will never be happy before you recognize that and find some modicum of acceptance for it. I'm really sorry. I wish it was different for you.

bethFromDayton

Here is some practical and not-easy advice, much of which you've already heard here. You can not tell an unreasonable person to respect you or to behave respectfully. You have to insist on it by your responses--not your words. These techniques work--they aren't easy. They're hard. They have to be used consistently EVERY TIME, because every time you give in, she will push harder the next time since she knows that you will eventually give in. She wants to engage with you, so YOUR power is to engage less until she behaves respectfully.

She comes in my house uninvited: Keep the door locked at all times. Yes, it's a shame that you have to do that, but if you don't do it, you are making it possible for her to continue to come in whenever she wants to.

She stays at the door until I open it: Don't ever open it once you tell her it's a bad time. Tell her it isn't a good time and you aren't going to open the door. If she stands there and yells, then she stands there and yells and screams. Call the police or put on headphones. Don't EVER give in. If you give in an hour into her yelling, then next time she'll be willing to yell for 90 minutes. This will not be fun. Do it anyway. If you live in an apartment building and it'll disturb your neighbors, perhaps one of THEM will end up calling the police. She'll learn.

She keeps calling and texting me: change your cell phone number or ignore her calls until it's convenient for you. If you feel it necessary, text back "I'll call you after work" or "I'll call you after dinner" or whenever you want to call her.

She calls me at work: Have a consistent, constant response. "Hi Mom, what's the emergency?" <her: anything but an emergency> "I can't take personal calls at work. I'll call you this evening. <click>" THE FIRST TIME SHE CALLS IN A DAY EVERY TIME. The second (or subsequent times) she calls you at work, don't answer if you have caller ID or if you don't, just hang up--don't say anything at all--there's nothing to say. (If you need to for your own reassurance, listen to her first voice mail or text to be sure it's not an emergency.) If she doesn't get the idea in a week, don't EVER answer her phone calls at work. If it's truly an emergency, she'll either leave voice mail or a "useful" information text.

She calls your boss and asks to be transferred: Tell your boss you're really sorry, that your mom isn't well, and that she won't listen to you when you tell her you can't take personal calls at work. Ask your boss to please say "She's not allowed to take personal calls at work."--and hang up. This is embarassing, but so is her constant calling.

You call her back and she yells at you for not taking her earlier calls: "Mom, I'm not going to listen to you yell at me. I'll talk to you tomorrow. <click>" (AND NEVER LATER TODAY). She needs to learn that if she yells at you, you will cut her off. Ignore any future attempts at contact that day--texts, emails, voice mails, and trips to your door.

She is rude to you while out: Be calm and matter of fact. "Mom, I can't let you talk to me like that. Please stop." (even I would find the "please" necessary). If she doesn't, stand up, say, "I can see this isn't a good time for us to spend together.", and LEAVE. Yes, some people may find you rude. Even so, you need to keep showing your mother that her current dynamic is going to cause you to distance yourself.

These techniques are a combination of things one does to/for a small child or animal. They will learn--but you have to exercise the power you have--and ignoring her is what she hates the most, so she needs to learn that when she misbehaves, you will ignore her.

Please understand--I know this is going to be hard. I know this is difficult. I know you're at the end of your rope. I know that these techniques take inner strength. I truly believe these sorts of techniques are the ONLY way to change your dynamic with your mother. As much as you might wish it, and we wish it for you, she isn't going to change on her own.

You can say that none of these techniques will work. I (and others) will tell you from experience that they will.

Briargrey

One more voice in the sea of responses that will hopefully at some point be heeded:

I understand that you care about your mother and wish to have a relationship. That is commendable. Here are my suggestions:

1. Write your mother a letter. You've already mentioned she doesn't listen to you. So write her a letter explaining how you feel. Proofread it. Sit on it a few days. Re-read it and edit it. Repeat this process until you have a calm, rational, heartfelt letter. Within the letter, give her some ultimatums. Explain that you love her and want a positive relationship, but that thus far, you aren't getting one, and you need to take drastic steps to ensure your lifelong health and sanity. Let her know you are explaining your expectations of how the two of you interact, and that failure to do so will result in you making the hard and heartwrenching choice of taking a break from her. Then lay out those expectations - things like not interfering (ask if it's okay to do dishes and if you say no, she doesn't do them), not calling at work, not dropping by uninvited, etc. Then say that in return, you'll set up a weekly call time and that once a week (or whatever YOU want), you will set up a visit time too. Emphasize how much you care.

2. Hold yourself to this letter. If she violates your reasonable ultimatums you've laid out, then warn her once and once only. Let her know politely "mom, you know this bothers me, and I told you that if you continued to do it, I would have to stop interacting with you for awhile. Don't make me do that. This is your final warning." If she does something in violation again, move on to #3

3. When 1 and 2 fail (or starting immediately if you don't want to do 1 and 2), stop seeing her. If she comes by uninvited, don't answer the door. If she won't leave and makes noise, call the police or ignore it. If she calls you at work, hang up. If she calls or texts your cell phone, ignore it. Change numbers if you need to. Have a conversation with your boss and apologize for it. Explain you know it's not allowed, and that you've tried and she won't listen. Explain you are worried about jeopardizing your job and ask for help - that you don't want to take these calls.

4. Stick with this. It's hard, sure. We're ingrained to feel like family is everything. Screw that. Abusive people are abusive, whether we love them or not. At some point, we need to stop being victims and grow up and take responsibility for our own happiness. When you're ready to do this, your life will blossom and you'll feel much more free. Remember, screw guilt. Sure it sucks. It's not easy. It would be better if she will change. But she probably won't and you can't control that. You can only control you and your reactions and interactions.

Also - locking your doors is a safety thing. It doesn't make you a shut-in. If she is outside banging around and you want to leave. Go out another door. Don't have another door? Push your way out past her and close and lock the door behind you. Say "hi mom, I'm heading out" and leave. Voila. Not a shut in.

Steven

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