Overbearing mother causing obesity
Replies
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You need to go to therapy and learn some skills on how to handle these situations. Point blank your mom is her own person and regardless of what you say she is going to do what she wants to do. I've done exercises in therapy (grew up in a similar situation) where you write out a letter with all your feelings. Everything.
Mail it. Don't mail it. Burn it. Just get it out. It will help you get a better perspective on your feelings.
At this point, it sounds like you're dealing with abandonment issues, feelings of worthlessness, not being her idea of "perfect". These are things you need to work through in therapy. They aren't going to change unless YOU change them.
That being said, you aren't fat because of your mother. You're fat because you choose to eat poor/high calorie foods. Simple as that. Just as someone who medicated with pills, alcohol, etc. you're medicating with food. YOU make that decision. And guess what? this means you can also choose NOT to eat those foods.
What if I told you you're acting like your mother by blaming others for your perceived defects?0 -
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I tried to seperate from my mother.
When i dont answer my cell phone or reply her texts, she calls my boss at work and asks him to tranfer the call to me.
I told her not to call at work for non emergencies.
She ignores me.
She calls for "small talk"
This makes me look bad at work, i dont like it. Its crossing the line right there.
I cant escape her.
If i dont answer, she harasses me at work.
She'll get me fired!
SHE DOES NOT LISTEN.
It's called a restraining order here in the states. My best friend had to get one against her nutcase mom, and then she finally 'got the hint'. If it takes that to get some separation, then it's what you gotta do.
This might be something you have to do if nothing else works. Again a therapist can help you come to terms with making this kind of decision if that's what you feel you need to do.0 -
therapists dont know what im going through, they can only give me adivce on what they learned in books back in school to study for their degree or fill me up full of medication.
Then you are seeing the wrong therapists! Wanna know something? They're people, too! And many of them have gone through "hell and back" which may be, in part, a motivating factor for practicing therapy.
At any rate, you are here venting. People have constantly let you know that it sounds like the relationship you have with your mother is unhealthy to the point of being toxic. You're contributing to the toxic relationship by staying the victim. Don't. Find the strength to distance yourself and get into therapy.0 -
Your overbearing mother is not causing your obesity your reaction to her is...
You want her to to be different she more than likely will not change! You on the other hand have a good shot at a happy life. As suggested seek help if individual therapy is not for you try group therapy from my experience with disordered eating I found the group setting with others in varying stages of recovery very helpful..
Vent when you need to however when suggestions are offered do not be so quick to dismiss them.. Remember you asked for advice..
There is a great old movie Now Voyager with Betty Davis watch and learn..
I truly wish you all the best ...0 -
" Tell your boss to hang up. "
" This! Tell your boss that you understand this is inappropriate and not to put through the calls. It's not that difficult. "
Its not that difficult?
omg im sooooo stupid! Why didnt i think of that????
My boss doesnt know if the call is stupid small talk or an emergency. he was just trying to be courteous.
I thought myself it was an emergency - how the hell am i supposed to know its her just wanting to chat while i work?
"No offense but I would tell mom to step. It seems as if she needs you more than you need her. Get the puppy and get some counseling and I think you will be alright,they are both forms of great therapy. "
I told her to step off since im old enough to remember.......
" sometimes i leave the door unlocked when im doing stuff around the house and she comes right in...
if locked, she knocks on the door and stays there until i open it.
Then let her stay there.... "
I DID.
If i dont answer, she calls my phone and texts me.
This is called psychological tourment.
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Some of you talk like this is easy. Its not. You havent been tourmented for years. I DO NOT HAVE anymore psychological strength to deal with her anymore. I am at the end of my rope. When youre hanging by a ledge by your hands for so long, after while you dont have strength to lift yourself up anymore. Im not superwoman. I dont have limitless strength and power. Im human. Everything you guys said ive tried - she doesnt listen and she still stalks me and harrasses me when i ignore her. I could try therapy again, but i dont have to money for it right now.0 -
therapists dont know what im going through, they can only give me adivce on what they learned in books back in school to study for their degree or fill me up full of medication.
Then you are seeing the wrong therapists! Wanna know something? They're people, too! And many of them have gone through "hell and back" which may be, in part, a motivating factor for practicing therapy.
At any rate, you are here venting. People have constantly let you know that it sounds like the relationship you have with your mother is unhealthy to the point of being toxic. You're contributing to the toxic relationship by staying the victim. Don't. Find the strength to distance yourself and get into therapy.
Agreed completely! Also sounds like OP is confusing a therapist and a psychiatrist.
Wallowing in self pity, not taking steps to change anything, and expecting things to get better? It doesn't work like that. The comment that therapists don't know what to do to help sounds like denial.0 -
I have an overbearing, dominant and narcissistic mother and that's just the highlights. I have not had any contact with her since 2004 when she had a complete meltdown when my then 8 year old daughter told her "no". The meltdown included telling me she was going to kill herself and it was all my fault. She had also threatened my baby girl. This is the abridged version but after that my husband and I said enough cut her out of our lives permanently. (it helps that we have moved a lot) My life is so much better and healthier without her in it. She didn't even know i had a second child. You may have to do something drastic such as move a few hours away but you need to be healthy inside and out. You are not alone if you need a friend please feel free to friend if you need an ear.0
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I understand your desire to "vent" on MFP ... it probably feels good to put your feelings into words. And you also get some positive feedback from the MFP community.
BUT ... if you really want to improve the situation:
1) You need to get into cognitive behavioral therapy. Find a therapist! There are many talented therapists who can be helpful. It will take time though. It's not a quick-fix.
2) Minimize your contact with your Mother. She's not going to change. You need to change.
And your Mother is not causing your obesity ... take responsibility ... you are causing your obesity ... by medicating yourself with food (which is a common response to stress).0 -
That really sucks, and I really wish you didn't have to experience any of that. But the thing that causes obesity is eating to much. Not sugar, carbs, or mothers. People have been through much worse, and have a very different perspective then you do, and are not looking to blame things on others. Not that I can't sympathise with you, that's a rough situation. But don't play victim, or you'll keep being one.
I'd suggest taking things into your own hands, your food, your mind, and your mother. Getting therapy like others have suggested may be a great idea.0 -
I agree with the people who say that you need to seek counseling. I also highly recommend buying and reading the book Boundaries. It is all about setting healthy boundaries with the people in your life. I have had to do this with family members, as well. It is not easy, but the pay off in mental health and well-being is priceless.
I allowed myself to be dominated and controlled for years by my mother. It wasn't until my boyfriend (who is now my husband) said, "You are just like a battered woman who keeps going back to her abuser. You are in an abusive relationship and you need help." that I finally saw how bad things were and decided I needed to do something to make our relationship healthier.0 -
You're contributing to the toxic relationship by staying the victim. Don't. Find the strength to distance yourself and get into therapy.
Agreed. Hell, change your cell phone number....DO tell your boss to hang up on her.....when she comes to the door and starts banging, turn the stereo up. If she doesn't leave, call the police. This woman is harassing you. Treat her like any other person who would be harassing you. She may be your mother biologically, but that's where the connection ends. She is certainly no great loss...right??
Only YOU can make you obese. Its easy to blame someone for putting the food in your mouth but the truth is only you are responsible. Just being honest.
Cut the ***** off and get your life back. No excuses.0 -
I have an overbearing, dominant and narcissistic mother and that's just the highlights. I have not had any contact with her since 2004 when she had a complete meltdown when my then 8 year old daughter told her "no". The meltdown included telling me she was going to kill herself and it was all my fault. She had also threatened my baby girl. This is the abridged version but after that my husband and I said enough cut her out of our lives permanently. (it helps that we have moved a lot) My life is so much better and healthier without her in it. She didn't even know i had a second child. You may have to do something drastic such as move a few hours away but you need to be healthy inside and out. You are not alone if you need a friend please feel free to friend if you need an ear.
... my father was never around, i see him maybe twice a year if im lucky. That being said, im closer to him emotionnally than my mother because we are both sensitive people. He always pushed me to go in the army saying i would be happy there making friends and being away from my mother. Im saying this because the last thing he said to me was to move away from my mother - which i did and helped out a bit. Maybe i should listen to him about the army thing. You said it yourself - moving away a lot helped you too! He was right the first time about moving away...0 -
" Tell your boss to hang up. "
" This! Tell your boss that you understand this is inappropriate and not to put through the calls. It's not that difficult. "
Its not that difficult?
omg im sooooo stupid! Why didnt i think of that????
My boss doesnt know if the call is stupid small talk or an emergency. he was just trying to be courteous.
I thought myself it was an emergency - how the hell am i supposed to know its her just wanting to chat while i work?
"No offense but I would tell mom to step. It seems as if she needs you more than you need her. Get the puppy and get some counseling and I think you will be alright,they are both forms of great therapy. "
I told her to step off since im old enough to remember.......
" sometimes i leave the door unlocked when im doing stuff around the house and she comes right in...
if locked, she knocks on the door and stays there until i open it.
Then let her stay there.... "
I DID.
If i dont answer, she calls my phone and texts me.
This is called psychological tourment.
==============
Some of you talk like this is easy. Its not. You havent been tourmented for years. I DO NOT HAVE anymore psychological strength to deal with her anymore. I am at the end of my rope. When youre hanging by a ledge by your hands for so long, after while you dont have strength to lift yourself up anymore. Im not superwoman. I dont have limitless strength and power. Im human. Everything you guys said ive tried - she doesnt listen and she still stalks me and harrasses me when i ignore her. I could try therapy again, but i dont have to money for it right now.
If this is your attitude you will remain a victim for the rest of your life. Of course you assume that you are the only one who has ever gone through anything like this before and no one is qualified to try to help you. If she is as horrible as you say you need to get a restraining order so she can no longer legally contact you in any way shape or form.MY MOTHER WILL NEVER ADMIT SHE HAS A PROBLEM, she has a high superiority mentality, she thinks she's better than everyone else and she's perfect in every way. My mother acts like a total Princess without having no credibility to being one.
If you're not willing to do anything, you sound an awful lot like her.0 -
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. My advice would be to cut her out of your life. She does nothing but stress you. You deserve better. Also check out daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com0
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"If you're not willing to do anything, you sound an awful lot like her. "
excuse me for still clinging onto the dream of having a damn healthy relationship with my mother!!
I only have one mother in my life!
Some people lost their mothers when they were little or dont have one at all!!
I tried to reconcile, it didnt work.
This is hard for me to cut off contact.
I only have one mother.
The only thing im guilty of is trying to love my mother despite this horrible treatment.
you're heartless.0 -
A. So what the OP posted on the internet. Aren't forums designed to bring people from different walks of life together and help? It sounds like she doesn't really have anyone to discuss about this. Internet forum posting isn't usually my first option if I have someone to talk to.
B. Therapy isn't always the answer. I went to a therapist for a year and all they told me was that they hoped I got a new job then all my problems would be solved. I didn't even talk about work that much. It's as if my depression hasn't been there since I was 13 or anything.
C. OP, it sounds like you're very resistant to any of the answers people have given you so far. What did you expect everyone to say? This is not going to be easy at all. It's going to be extremely hard. What's your alternative though? If you are so fed up with her and you feel that she is not making anything better, then why are you still putting up with this? And I'm not just making things up. I've had to lessen my ties with family members, especially my father and brother. Nothing I did was ever good enough and I never looked good enough for them. They told me I'd never get married if I didn't follow steps One, two, three. So I talk to them once every few months, I visit once a year for two days. Same situation with my mother. If you try to take a conversation beyond, "How's the weather?" she becomes an emotional wreck.
Anyway, this isn't going to be easy. So decide. Either live the way you're living, or change it. It's hard but at the same time so simple. Also, I saw you mention moving (or maybe another poster did.) This is what I did and it helped so much.0 -
Some of you talk like this is easy. Its not. You havent been tourmented for years. I DO NOT HAVE anymore psychological strength to deal with her anymore. I am at the end of my rope. When youre hanging by a ledge by your hands for so long, after while you dont have strength to lift yourself up anymore. Im not superwoman. I dont have limitless strength and power. Im human. Everything you guys said ive tried - she doesnt listen and she still stalks me and harrasses me when i ignore her. I could try therapy again, but i dont have to money for it right now.
No one said it was easy. My life was a VERY similar to what you described. Dad left at 5 and never looked back. Mom was alcoholic, OCD, abusive nutcase with lots of *kitten* boyfriends! DO NOT assume people willing to type a response here are making light of your situation. I'm pretty sure most of us have "lived it" and trying to give you advice.
Tell your mom you will get a restraining order(or whatever you call it there) and then change your personal phone numbers.
Tell her if she calls you at work and it's not an emergency, you will hang up. Tell her you need some space for right now and to pester someone else. If she shows up at your door, tell her to go away - or you call the cops. If she don't - CALL THE COPS. Write her a letter explaining your feelings and why you change the numbers. Mail it.
I'd bet you can find some mental health clinic that charges on a sliding scale. Don't tell me no, unless you actually looked.
If you can't buy that book I suggested, then go find it at the library and READ it!
You are not fat or unhappy because of anyone else. It's NOT easy, and I know you think you don't have the power to change things, but you do! One small step at a time. Taking responsibility for what you let into your life, and cutting out the nasty parts is a good start. Seeking help is the key to your survival and a good start as well. ACCEPTING other's advice is up to you.0 -
"If you're not willing to do anything, you sound an awful lot like her. "
excuse me for still clinging onto the dream of having a damn healthy relationship with my mother!!
I only have one mother in my life!
Some people lost their mothers when they were little or dont have one at all!!
I tried to reconcile, it didnt work.
This is hard for me to cut off contact.
I only have one mother.
The only thing im guilty of is trying to love my mother despite this horrible treatment.
you're heartless.
No I'm realistic. Your post says absolutely nothing about wanting to love her or work things out with her and everything about wanting to get away from her. You say she is the reason for you being unhealthy and and how she is ruining your life.You havent been tourmented for years. I DO NOT HAVE anymore psychological strength to deal with her anymore. I am at the end of my rope. When youre hanging by a ledge by your hands for so long, after while you dont have strength to lift yourself up anymore. Im not superwoman. I dont have limitless strength and power. Im human. Everything you guys said ive tried - she doesnt listen and she still stalks me and harrasses me when i ignore her.
This says nothing about any love or hope. It says help me get away from her. Yet every suggestion that has been given, you have dismissed and found an excuse. Why post this if you don't want help? There are many people who have given you loving replies and you've pretty much shoved them all back with a , "You don't understand. You don't get it. etc." The majority of the people here understand and get it, but you don't want help, you just want sympathy. I'm sorry but I wouldn't want to be "harrassed" and "stalked" and I would choose to do something about it.0 -
Venting on a public forum doesn't solve your problem. Childhood therapy obviously didn't help you as an adult.
You are miserable and dumping this on a bunch of strangers on the internet.
Get back into therapy, you don't have to have such a dysfunctional relationship with this woman. You actually don't HAVE to have any relationship with her. This type of posting is very uncomfortable for me, and even though there will be plenty of people who are going to sympathize with you - you need to solve this. You are an adult.
If this posting was so uncomfortable for you, why did you bother to read it to the end and write a comment?0 -
Move further away.0
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Find another therapist if this one isn't working for you. Get a new phone number, take a few days off work and go out of town for a vacation without telling her. If there is an emergency find some other emergency contact, who can refer the message back to you.0
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I will follow your advices to seek concelling once i get money for it.
What you dont understand is its hard for me because there is no one else in my life. My father is never around, i have no siblings and im not close to my cousins and aunts. I dont have friends and I suck at dating (i never dated much in my life) There is only me and my mother. If i cut off my mother, im alone.........0 -
excuse me for still clinging onto the dream of having a damn healthy relationship with my mother!!
I only have one mother in my life!
Some people lost their mothers when they were little or dont have one at all!!
I tried to reconcile, it didnt work.
This is hard for me to cut off contact.
I only have one mother.
The only thing im guilty of is trying to love my mother despite this horrible treatment.
I'd find another mother figure if this is important in your life. It's sad your own mother can't be the one, but reality is, she's proven not to be and has no intention of changing. Tell her straight out you want no contact with her, change your phone number, cry or seek therapy, and move on. It's best to do this now. Can you imagine if you had children of your own and your mother was like this to them too? You'd go insane with rage and guilt.0 -
I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I have a crazy mother. She has done and still does some of the very same things that your mother does. As child, my mom had me put in the pysch ward of 2 hospitals because she thought I was depressed and needed help. It took the second doctor to realize that it was not me but her. When she was told the she needed therapy and treatment, she discharged me from the hospital and nothing was ever said about it again. She picked her friends and bf's over me and my siblings many times over. She is the most manipulative person I know. She stole my identity and put me $50K in debt. Ultimately, I paid off because she made me feel guilty for not helping her more. So I can understand what you are going though.
But here is the reality, you are making excuses as to why you cant step away from her. The same crap I did. You need to take control of your life before you have no life to live.
Cut her off for a while but at the time you do it, tell her in a letter or email why. Just so she knows that you are not dead or something. Ignore the calls and the texts and emails etc until you feel you have more control over the relationship. Tell your boss/co-workers that you are deciding to avoid personal calls at work so if she calls, they can say that you are away from your desk.
If you lose your job because of your mothers actions, this will be a perfect time to move farther away and get a new life.
If that is to dramatic, then you allot a time to deal with her. Maybe give her an hour of your day. Tell her that you will take calls, visit, shop etc with her between certain times. If she violates those times, you don't answer the phone, door, email, texts etc until that time. Take back the power that she has over you (the power you gave her in the first place)
And I dont think there really is a picture perfect mother daughter relationship. You will never have a Jan Brady/Mrs. Brady recap moment with her. She is not wired that way and you probably are not any more either. Just accept that she is crazy, narcissistic, manipulative etc and go on with your life.
And I agree with another poster, your mother is not causing you to be obese, you do. You eat the food. You make the choices. You allow her to bother you that much. Instead of eating when she pisses you off, leave the phone on silent and go for a walk. Don't answer it (just have it for emergencies sake) and enjoy the day. She wont find you if you are out for a walk and therefore she cant bother you. You will lose weight and feel better. And come back in a better frame of mind then when you started.
You have to set boundaries and quit making excuses. Oh, and seek therapy from an expert. Try a few out before you pick one. Coming online only helps you vent, its not going to solve the problem since you are still full of excuses as to why you allow this. Find someone to help you get through the excuses and fix YOU!0 -
Oh and find a circle of friends that can be your support system instead of your mother. Try art classes or something.0
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I will follow your advices to seek concelling once i get money for it.
What you dont understand is its hard for me because there is no one else in my life. My father is never around, i have no siblings and im not close to my cousins and aunts. I dont have friends and I suck at dating (i never dated much in my life) There is only me and my mother. If i cut off my mother, im alone.........
What hobbies do you like? Can you join a club and meet likeminded people? Or maybe invite people from work out to the bar or something. You have options.0 -
"If you're not willing to do anything, you sound an awful lot like her. "
excuse me for still clinging onto the dream of having a damn healthy relationship with my mother!!
I only have one mother in my life!
Some people lost their mothers when they were little or dont have one at all!!
I tried to reconcile, it didnt work.
This is hard for me to cut off contact.
I only have one mother.
The only thing im guilty of is trying to love my mother despite this horrible treatment.
you're heartless.
I wouldn't say this poster was being heartless. Maybe if they had said, "Kill her and then dump the body." THAT would be heartless. But you have to realize what maybe many of us have realized already. We grow up thinking our parents are amazing gods. I used to think my Dad was the smartest man on the planet. However, he would always call me fat and tell me that if I didn't act a certain way, I would never find love. He would let my brother watch and do things, but would never teach me. He wouldn't even teach me to change a tire. Instead he said, "Your husband will do that for you." Oh, and his chief philosophy is don't do anything for someone unless they can return the favor. To this day, I am still scared of him. I didn't say hi to his girlfriend once and he yelled at me (I was 22!) asking what the hell was my problem.
I still love him because he is my father, but I realized that just because two people screw, this doesn't make them loving and nurturing people. He caused me great pain and I do not miss those feelings. She's your mom, but if you feel the need to ask for help, do something about it. If it's that bad, do something about it.
So weigh your options, either keep living life the way you are, or imagine one of these options that have been suggested to you.
If live was easy, then, wouldn't that be great?
Disclaimer: To those of you with awesome parents, seriously, way to go. Cherish them. I'm not saying all parents are bad, but nobody's perfect. There are people who are loving and nurturing and thank God for them.0 -
I will follow your advices to seek concelling once i get money for it.
What you dont understand is its hard for me because there is no one else in my life. My father is never around, i have no siblings and im not close to my cousins and aunts. I dont have friends and I suck at dating (i never dated much in my life) There is only me and my mother. If i cut off my mother, im alone.........
There are places that have sliding fee arrangements so it's not a ton of money. Does your work insurance have an employee emotional health program? Everywhere I worked had some hotline I could call if I was desperate and they would refer some places.
I saw someone mention joining clubs. This is a great idea! Find something that interests you and look to see if there are any gatherers for that subject. I, too, am horrible at making friends, but I managed to make some with common interests.0 -
In order to be mentally free and move forward you will need to come to peace with the past and let go of it. What is is and what has been is gone. Be true and sincere to yourself, take a good look at yourself and the way you want it to go and move forward. You can't worry about what others are going to think if you want to be truly free and if you are true in your intent then it will be right. It is not always easy, but if you don't do what your will wants then it will cause problems. You aren't obligated to anyone but yourself.
You can't force your mother to be a certain way or anyone for that matter, if she changes then that is great, but you can't expect it. Focus on yourself and weeding yourself of unwanted things, rituals, thoughts, etc and enjoy the process.0 -
Ive had some issues like that with my mother in law. I went to counseling for it as well. honestly i only started to feel better once I changed my attitude towards the situation. I started focusing on me. My mother in law could yell and scream and rant, but it had no effect on me anymore. If you let something have power , it becomes a monster. If you ignore it you become immune. Im not saying to cut her off completely, but if you need to do it to stay healthy by all means do it. This is your life, not anyone elses to dictate. Don't give her power by feeding into it....and eventually she will either back off or you will. One of you has to give eventually.0
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