Overbearing mother causing obesity

HollisGrant

I'm so sorry you have a mother like that. My mother was very cruel and unreasonable, too. I read a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans that finally explained her behavior and also explained why my responses to try to explain things to get her to understand me went nowhere. Your library might have the book. My heartfelt best wishes to you. It's a very painful thing to live through. You have the right in life to be treated with respect. Your mother is very abusive and probably mentally ill.

jhmomofmany

Everyone tells me she does this because she loves me, but truthfully, if a stranger would do this to me, i would tell them to f**** off. Why is it acceptable that my mother disrespects me because she loves me? Makes no sense to me!

I personally think you gave yourself the answer here. Blessings~

MinMin97

These are some of the best materials I've ever seen on family relationships.
http://www.solvefamilyproblems.org/default.asp

strivingfor130

If you are willing to go back to therapy, I would suggest someone licensed in marriage and family therapy. I went to graduate school in this field, and these professionals are more qualified to understand family dynamics and to help you really understand the relationship between you and your mom. I'm not saying that other types of counselors aren't, but MFTs have specific training in it.

Also, you need to figure out what kind of relationship do you want with your mom that is realistic. Do you want to cut her off completely? Do you want a relationship where you are able to see her and talk about minimal things? etc. If you still want to continue a relationship with your mom, you are going to have to set boundaries with her. This will probably be most of your work in therapy. You say that she will stand outside your door forever until you open it. I highly doubt she will; however, I bet you eventually give in and open the door so she will go away. The thing about boundaries is that they have to be consistent, and you really have to stand your ground. It will get ugly at first. Your mom WILL NOT like it. She will increase her behaviors, but if you stick through it, eventually she should get the picture. I don't know your mom, but she sounds like she has some issues going on within herself, and sometimes having some empathy for that can make you feel less crazy. And if she doesn't get it, you need to decide what you want to do about someone who constantly is overstepping boundaries you set and having no respect for you. You can't control your mom's actions, but you can control how you feel and your own actions. Your relationship with your mom doesn't have to be like this forever. You have the power to do something about it.

FrenchCanuck

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

rkcampbell

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

No. Lock your doors, change your number, and get some help. Otherwise, continue dealing with her crap and being miserable.

dejamos

Read this: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

Get therapy. If it doesn't help or the therapist doesn't understand then find another one. And another one. And another one until you find one that you connect with - they are all just people and you won't respond to all of them so you need to keep trying until you get one that you can work with and that you can trust to really understand you and what you are going through.

Be prepared to accept the very real possibility that she might not be able to change, and to accept the fact that you are not responsible for any behavior other than your own, and you have the right - THE RESPONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF - to remove yourself from the presence of anyone who does not treat you the way you deserve to be treated, no matter who they are.

And then read this: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375659949&sr=8-1&keywords=david+burns. It will help you learn to deal with those voices in your head.

strivingfor130

You can only say so much to people like that. You say what you need to say and then leave it. People can't unhear what they have already heard. Use your actions to get your point across.

_EndGame_

Venting on a public forum doesn't solve your problem. Childhood therapy obviously didn't help you as an adult.

You are miserable and dumping this on a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Get back into therapy, you don't have to have such a dysfunctional relationship with this woman. You actually don't HAVE to have any relationship with her. This type of posting is very uncomfortable for me, and even though there will be plenty of people who are going to sympathize with you - you need to solve this. You are an adult.

So don't comment then. If listening to someone else's problems is uncomfortable for you, then why listen or take time to respond? She came asking for advise, not criticism.

This is a community forum, lots of people have issues, whether it's weight related or not, and people are willing to help and give advise.

OP, sounds like you need a break. Just cut her out for a few weeks, go on holiday, take a small vacation, etc. Do you have a BF? If not, perhaps make yourself available? Go on a date, find a new hobby? Before you know it, your mother will see you have your own life and interests, and perhaps she'll change her ways or re-evaluate her relationship with you.

Good luck, I hope you manage to find some common ground with her.

jaggerhawks

Yes, she sounds like she needs help.

Regardless, you need to take responsibility and control of your own life. It isn't impossible. You alone are responsible for what goes into your mouth, it's your hand bringing the fork to your mouth. You alone are responsible for the exercise you do, as it's your legs getting you to the gym. If your mother isn't physically and forcibly stopping you from doing either (beyond using words and manipulation) there is no excuse.

jess6742

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

We do understand. All of the advice that has been given to you has been tailored to your situation. Everyone is being really nice, which doesn't usually happen on a public forum.

You just don't like the advice that is being given. You are acting like a victim. You are an adult and are able to control your own life. You need to change your locks and set some boundaries. You need to get therapy to learn to set better boundaries, deal with being alone, and taking responsibilities for your own actions. I have a similar relationship with my mother. I understand that it's hard but you need to take control of your own life.

Like other posters have stated check out nearby churches, therapists with sliding fees, and your work hotline (most places have them). There will be something in your price range, you just need to put in some effort and look.

PikaKnight

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

It's up to you to deal with it. You aren't the first person who has had a parent or person in their life like this and have had to resort so far as to getting the police involved and the courts.

At this point in your life at 29....you have no one to blame but yourself for not fixing your situation and continuing to let this happen. Quit making excuses and deal with it and get help by seeing a psychologist or live with it. Those are your choices. If you want to be happy, do something about it. You control who can treat you badly and who can't.

FrenchCanuck

what pisses me off is when we're with familly and she treats me like a little child (like at a restaurant, she tells me "why havent you touched your vegetables? eat your vegetables, why arent you eating your vegetables? pressuring me until i ate them). When things like that happen, my familly doesnt say anything and ignores the situation instead of helping me telling her "she's f*cking 29 years old, leave her alone! but no --- they shut up and later say... oh its because she loves you... i got tired of that crap, got up and left the restaurant with my familly looking at me like im the ungreateful rude child. hypocrits. they certainly dont ignore me when they need help and money though,,,,,

my problem is im too nice. I tolerate all this crap from my familly because i foolishly think they will change and respect me soemday. they dont.

you guys are right, im not dealing with this crap anymore. i dont need therapy to tell me im not the problem. i just need to ignore them . they are the ones that need therapy, not me.

1longroad

I am a daughter, I am a Mom and I am a Grandma, who's grandchildren live with me. I can guarantee you wont like what I have to say, but if you are willing to read what I say and THINK about it, there may be something that can help. Even if it is one thought, one word.

First off, not to be mean, but to be brutally honest. I don't care how hard it is to deal with your Mother, she is NOT responsible for your obesity!! You open your mouth and insert the food in to your mouth, chew it and swallow it! Does this mean her behaviors or actions are ok? No, of course not!!! Not ever!! Does this mean the mental, physical or emotional abuse you have suffered is ok, both by her or her 'boyfriends'? No, of course not!! Does this mean that her actions were deserved, or that you don't have reasons to be angry or upset? No, of course not! Does that mean that you should continue to live your life as a victim? NEVER!!!

BUT,until you take responsibility for what you CAN control, take the power that YOU CAN exert, you will continue to be a victim. A victim is powerless. Sometimes, as a child for example, it is not within your power to change your circumstances. As an adult, you have multiple resources to change your status from victim, to victorious!!

1) You said you work a varied schedule. Simple. Have your boss tell your Mother you are not there when she calls. If it is truly an emergency, she will tell your boss that. He can say he will try to contact you.

2) Never leave your door unlocked! Not just because of your Mom, but because there are way too many weirdos in the world. If your Mom insists on standing at the door, knocking, let her. If you don't answer, she can't come in and if she does, call 911. She has NO right to enter without your permission!!

3) By making a statement that is a closed end statement, referring to an entire profession, shows a lack of desire to find a solution. If you don't like a counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist, try another, until you find a person you can talk to and relate to. People here can sympathize with you and care about the hurt and pain you experience, but, they are not able to counsel you or give you resources to change your circumstances. The right professional will give YOU the resources to change yourself! Not change your Mom.

4) Before joining any branch of the service, you need to examine the benefits as well as the freedoms you will be giving up. If you truly want to join the armed forces, look in to each branch, I am partial to the Air Force for women, to find the best opportunity that will help you throughout your entire life. There are wonderful benefits to joining the service, but there are also major sacrifices. Make sure you have your eating issues under control and that you are physically fit prior to joining as it will make the emotional side of boot camp much easier to experience.

5) You need to realize that your Mother is unable to support you emotionally, the way you need her to. It is something she is lacking, not you. If you can accept this, you can start to choose whether you want to continue to have any type of relationship with her and also, the limitations you need to exert to have that relationship.

6) Don't give her money. Period. She works, so she can buy food. She has a roof over her head. DO NOT give her money. That is simple. Does she pay back her loans? If she does, that's good, but she still needs to learn to manage her money. What if you do go in the service. She can't very well borrow money from you to buy a lamp shade. Help her learn to be independent of you. This is a first step.

7) Your Dad was a grown adult and couldn't handle her abuse. He was smart to get away from a situation he was unable to change. Maybe, since you feel you are both very similar people, you need to learn by his example.

As I said,I am not unfeeling of your situation. My parents had many issues and we never had the best relationship, but I lost my Mom 7 years ago and I have a relationship with my Dad, that is on my terms and I like it that way!!

You CAN do this!! You can change your circumstances and you will be a much happier, more fullfilled person because of it!!! (((((Hugs)))))

FrenchCanuck

what's with the locks thing???

i never gave her a key!!!!!!!!!!!

im not gonna STOP LIVING and lock all my doors 24/7 and live like a hermit in my own house so that MOMMY doesnt make a surprise visit and come in my house when i left the door uncloked when im gardening outside.

1longroad

what pisses me off is when we're with familly and she treats me like a little child (like at a restaurant, she tells me "why havent you touched your vegetables? eat your vegetables, why arent you eating your vegetables? pressuring me until i ate them). When things like that happen, my familly doesnt say anything and ignores the situation instead of helping me telling her "she's f*cking 29 years old, leave her alone! but no --- they shut up and later say... oh its because she loves you... i got tired of that crap, got up and left the restaurant with my familly looking at me like im the ungreateful rude child. hypocrits. they certainly dont ignore me when they need help and money though,,,,,

my problem is im too nice. I tolerate all this crap from my familly because i foolishly think they will change and respect me soemday. they dont.

you guys are right, im not dealing with this crap anymore. i dont need therapy to tell me im not the problem. i just need to ignore them . they are the ones that need therapy, not me.

I was typing my response when you posted this. You need to print out this thread and bring it to any counseling appointments you schedule. You can not 'ignore' the amount, type of anger and betrayal you feel and hope to have any kind of a happy life. You need to find a way to wisdom to accept what you can't change and to know how to deal with all of the emotions.

I wish you good luck in any endeavor you choose!!!

VistaJerry

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

It's up to you to deal with it. You aren't the first person who has had a parent or person in their life like this and have had to resort so far as to getting the police involved and the courts.

At this point in your life at 29....you have no one to blame but yourself for not fixing your situation and continuing to let this happen. Quit making excuses and deal with it and get help by seeing a psychologist or live with it. Those are your choices. If you want to be happy, do something about it. You control who can treat you badly and who can't.

No right way to say this, but...do you even life?

lawkat

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

I know what you are talking about. However, your response to her not listening doesn't help the situation and it is why she doesn't take you seriously. Also, she knows that you will eventually cave to her demands. Even hiding in your room is giving in to her. You don't have to be physical. Just say no, and that's it. You also don't have to let her in your house. So what if she calls and texts you repeatedly. Ignore it. When you answer her, you are caving and letting her know that it is okay that she just pops in at any time. You have to stand strong. Same goes for work. Tell people about her and if she calls, then tell them to not forward her calls to you. You don't have to take her phone calls. She can call until the cows come home, doesn't mean you have to answer. When you answer, she thinks that she has won and that is how you will cave to her needs.

Despite what you think, what you say you want and what you end up doing are two different things. She knows how to manipulate you and you let her. Stand your ground.

Finally, move. Move far away from her so she can't harass you and you can control contact with her. You don't have to join the army, but you can move. Work on a plan and see it through. It is the only way.

Don't get so defensive. You asked for help by people who have gone through what you have. I have gone through what you have, or at least some. So listen to what I am saying and understand that change is scary, but it will be a good thing for you. Stand up for yourself and take responsibility for your own actions.

MyM0wM0w

I did had therapy when i was young. My mom sent me to a psychologist. The doctor said my mother is the problem.

The purpose of therapy isn't to be reassured she was the problem, it is to learn how to DEAL with her in a way that doesn't stress you out.

I can relate, I had a horrible hurtful cruel father. I understand how hard it is to distance yourself. When you were a child you had to take her abuse and her overbearing behavior but you're not a child anymore. How she effects you now is up to YOU. You can't change her behavior but you can change how you deal with her.

She may have contributed to your obesity but she's not the CAUSE of it, eating too much was. If she's effecting your health that much why haven't you changed the locks or moved and NOT told her where you are moving too. Why do you have contact with her?

I don't understand why she's even in your house if it upsets you/stresses you out. You had to let her in or give her a key.... She didn't rip the door off the hinges and enter your house, she either has a key or you let her in... next time don't. If she wants to interact with you then lunch in a public restaurant is perfect. She can't rifle through your things and in an hour or two you can leave her.

Again, you aren't a little girl anymore. It's time to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions, pull up your big girl panties and become an adult.

1longroad

what's with the locks thing???

i never gave her a key!!!!!!!!!!!

im not gonna STOP LIVING and lock all my doors 24/7 and live like a hermit in my own house so that MOMMY doesnt make a surprise visit and come in my house when i left the door uncloked when im gardening outside.

its ridiculous!

Wow, that's what you got out of a long, thought out response to your posts. I'm sorry that locking your doors for safety reasons equates to being a hermit, or the statement that it makes you 'stop living'. I only wish you good in your life.