Overbearing mother causing obesity
Replies
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I understand.
You need to cut off contact with her for now and get yourself into therapy.
She is not going to change. You have to change her power over you.
:drinker: TOXIC relationship! Just because you share genes, doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with an abusive person. I believe that you should surround yourself with positive, supportive people and avoid miserable people who bring you down.
My husband cut his mother off several years ago. He has never regretted it. It's kind of amazing to me how relieved he was to finally do it. It's not something I would do, because my mom is cool, but it was the right choice for my husband. Every person is different though, and not everyone can bring themselves to sever ties with a parent, so before you make any big decisions, you might want to consult a therapist to discuss your options for dealing (or not dealing) with her. Good luck!0 -
Wow do we have the same mom? Because that explains mine 100%. The only thing you can do is ignore her... and its a sad reality but its either that or be severely depressed to the point of suicide.0
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I'd like to hear the mother's side of things. Probably very interesting...
I love her, I try to help her, make her eat healthy things like vegetables, I try to do the dishes and help her get rid of garbage and get her help when she needs it. And she gets mad.
You know, without all the pages of hate talk. I remember being young. My pages of rants could be summed up by my mom in a sentence lol.
She comes to my place with a huge teenage girl *****y attitude. she goes around my house arranging my furniture and things as SHE SEEMS FIT. she does my dishes, takes me garbage away, then makes an excuse to leave. she wants NOTHING to do with spending quality time with me. This is why i hate it when she makes my dishes. I want to spend time with her, sit down with a coffee but she acts like a maid i paid to clean my house!!! Its not love when you refuse to spend 5 minutes of your time to talk with your child. she makes me feel like im a dirty unclean person.
You know if you went in and helped her with the dishes you could talk to her and spend quality time. You don't have to be sitting down drinking coffee to spend time together. My Mum comes to my house and cleans too. I help her, and sometimes I distract her with a two person chore that needs doing, and in the process of doing that chore we talk and spend time together.0 -
I have family members that sound very similar to your mom, so I can feel your pain. Trust me I know it is like being on a crazy train and not knowing how to get off. You are stuck in this place and you are sick and tired. There is a book called "Codependency no more", I think the author is Melody Beattie. I think codependent relationships were first recognized in the partners of alcoholics, but anyone with compulsive behaviors can be in a codependent relationship. Check it out from the library or buy an inexpensive copy on amazon. I think it would be eye opening for you. Seriously, almost life changing.0
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- Get therapy. Check out church groups or sliding scale groups. Try different counselors. We are all human and sometimes we may not connect right away with a particular counselor, so try a few different ones until you find one you feel you can connect with.
*** I will.
- Check out some great books that have helped others! There are books available online through sites such as Amazon, or even for free at your library. The topics include Setting Boundaries and Co-Dependency and Narcissism.
** I will.
- Set boundaries. Treat your mother like a parent treats a child: Set a rule. Set a consequence if such rule isn't followed. Follow through with set rule.
Example: Mom calls at work for non-emergency.
Rule: Tell mom that you cannot take personal calls at work and doing so will jeopardize your job. Do not call you at
work unless it's emergency.
Consequence: You will hang up on mom if she calls at work for a non-emergency related issue. You will return call
after work hours.
*** SHE DOESNT LISTEN. IVE BEEN SETTING BOUNDARIES FOR YEARS AND SHE DOESNT GIVE A *kitten*
- Lock your doors. Do not allow her in unless you have invited her over. If she throws a fit outside your door, sneak out the back, turn on TV, put headphones on. Locking doors does not mean living like a hermit. I lock ours all the time out of habit whether or not we are home. I lock them when I am outside in the garden. I lock them when I am outside playing with my kids. I lock them when I am walking the dogs. I keep a key in my pocket so I don't have to carry my whole set of keys with me all the time. Or, I toss it on a string around my neck if I don't happen to have pockets.
*** I dont lock my back door when im bbqing or gardening because i walk in and out of the house often and i dont want to unlock the door everytime because this is my house and im free to come in and out of my house without locking everything. Ive been nice so far, but if she comes in again without calling first, im physically removing her from my house and calling the damn cops if she wont leave my damn property.
- If mom enters, encourage her outside. "Such a great day for a walk! Let's check out the neighborhood!" "I really need to stretch my legs. Let's get outside for some fresh air!" "would you like to splurge and try the bakery down the road for a coffee and pastry?" Get her out of the house.
*** When i didnt invite her, i dotn want to spend time with her inside or outside or at the pastry shop. she needs to learn i have a life and she cant barge in whenever she feels like it. im not her property, im a person.
- Change your phone number. Contact your cell phone carrier and ask how you can block numbers. I KNOW this can be done as we have done this on our stepdaughter's phone. Do you have a phone that will allow you to set a different ring/notification for individuals? If so, set a silent alert for your mother. That way, as she blows up your phone with texts/calls, it doesn't bother you and make you crazy listening to the noise of it going off every 10 minutes.
If i change my phone number, ill have to call 15 different people about my phone change. I just block her calls.
- set boundaries (again, I know)...Mom, I work rotating shifts. This week, I work the following: (tell her shift). Therefore, please do not contact me between the hours of X-X. If you do, and it is not an emergency, I will hang up and will not answer further calls/texts from you between those hours. My sleep and health are important to me and I need this time to rest. When/if she does not follow your request, then follow the rule you set in place. Hang up. Do not respond to texts. After the time YOU set forth, then you can choose to respond or take her calls.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN OR GIVE A **** ABOUT MY BOUNDARIES. SHE DOES NOT RESPECT ME. I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN YOU ARE WORKING ALL NIGHT YOU STILL HAVE TO SLEEP 8 HOURS DURING THE DAY. SHE THINKS I SHOULD WAKE UP IN THE MORNING LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE EVEN IF I WORKED ALL NIGHT. WE,RE NOT TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE SMART THAT HAS COMON SENSE HERE. I MADE A CALENDAR WITH MY HOURS OF WORK ON IT AND SHE STILL IS TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN I WORK MIDNIGHT TO 7 THAT I WILL SLEEP 8 HOURS AFTER 7AM. DUMB DUMB DUMB.
When out with your family, have you every considered the possibility that she may have alienated them, too, the same way she has done you? Perhaps their coping mechanism in situations such as her harping on you to eat your vegetables is to simply tune her out and ignore it. Also, we teach others how to treat us. If you don't stand up for yourself, why do you think your family will?
*** i STOOD UP FOR MYSELF ALL THE TIME. mY FAMILLY IS A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITS ACTING LIKE SNOTTY RICH PEOPLE BUT WITHOUT THE BIG MONEY. THEY THINK THE WORLD OWES THEM EVERYTHING. HER X BF THREW ME DOWN THE STAIRS AND NONE OF MY FAMILLY STOOD UP FOR ME, NO ONE SAID **** NOT EVEN WHEN MY MOM CONTINUED TO DATE HIM. IF THEY DIDNT SAY SQUAT WHEN I WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSED, THEY WONT SAY SQUAT WHEN MISS PRISSY GIVES ME ATTITUDE AT THE RESTAURANT.0 -
I'd like to hear the mother's side of things. Probably very interesting...
I love her, I try to help her, make her eat healthy things like vegetables, I try to do the dishes and help her get rid of garbage and get her help when she needs it. And she gets mad.
You know, without all the pages of hate talk. I remember being young. My pages of rants could be summed up by my mom in a sentence lol.
She comes to my place with a huge teenage girl *****y attitude. she goes around my house arranging my furniture and things as SHE SEEMS FIT. she does my dishes, takes me garbage away, then makes an excuse to leave. she wants NOTHING to do with spending quality time with me. This is why i hate it when she makes my dishes. I want to spend time with her, sit down with a coffee but she acts like a maid i paid to clean my house!!! Its not love when you refuse to spend 5 minutes of your time to talk with your child. she makes me feel like im a dirty unclean person.
Im the oldest in my familly. You think i like my mother at the restaurant telling me at 29 years old to eat my vegetables and keep repeating it in front of everyone as a form of manipulation to make me do what she wants me to do? My younger cousins all laugh at me. The yougest is 19, his mom doesnt treat him like a baby who cant eat damn vegatables! THIS IS EMBARRASSING!0 -
Your mom sounds like a classic narcissist. Get yourself some therapy and some distance.0
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I think your mother sounds rather normal and you are the one with anger issues. Maybe she does your dishes not because she thinks you are unclean but she just might be the type of person that can't sit still for long.
Okay...
She comes inside my home, sits down two minutes and says with a snotty tone: " Im not gonna sit here all day. I have to move. If you wont let me do the dishes, im going to leave. Im not sitting here doing nothing all day!". I tell her she can leave if she doesnt want to stay. So she does my dishes without asking me as if the place belongs to her.
SHE was the one bugging me for weeks to come to my house to see me - now that she's here, she wants to f-off because sitting down 5 minutes to talk with her daughter is too unbearable!. is that normal to you? if she didnt want to sit and talk, then leave me alone and go rollerblade outside! My appartment is small what kinds of "moving" was she expecting to do??
i have anger issues because each time my mom comes to my place she doesnt want to sit and talk and rather touch my stuff and f-off when shes done rearranging my stuff around? ****ing right i have anger issues! would you like a stranger to come to your house and move your stuff around as they please and f-off?
- comes in the door
- sits down for 2 minutes
- complains she doesnt want to sit down
- does my dishes
- tries to re arrange my place as she sees fit but gives me attitude when i dotn let her
- makes excuse to f-off because she cant have her way
this is NOT a mother-daughter time.
sounds like i paid a maid to clean my house and f-off when shes done!!!!
I know when these situations pop up it seems like nobody understands, but you'd be surprise how well some of these people understand. Some of them have been through the same thing or worse.0 -
I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Yelling in your Mum's face isn't exactly mature behaviour.
I wouldn't take you seriously either.0 -
Does anyone here find it frustrating that a mother refuses to sit down to talk mother-daughter and actually finds sitting down two minutes is a chore but rather do her dishes and leave when she's done?
She sits down for her boyfriend to talk...
She sits down for strangers to talk...
But not for her daughter.
She thinks im boring?
She complains i dont call her often enough and when i do i have nothing to talk about,.
When its time to talk, she rather turn her back at me, do my dishes and leave!
wtf?0 -
She doesn't listen because she knows you won't follow through. She does it because you let her. As plenty of people have told you there needs to be clear consequences for her actions. She does what she does because that's what she has always done.
People change only when there is pressure (either internal or external) to do so. Why would she change if you haven't given her the motivation to do so. People have given you fantastic ideas and tools to achieve this.0 -
I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Yelling in your Mum's face isn't exactly mature behaviour.
I wouldn't take you seriously either.
Treating your 29 year old daughter as a 3 year old child as if she's mentally and physically handicapped cant survive without her constant attention and disrespects her constantly and chooses her boyfriends over her daughter when they abuse her daughter and beg her daughter for money to buy crap at ikea when she capable to work to buy thos ethings ISNT MATURE EITHER.0 -
Does anyone here find it frustrating that a mother refuses to sit down to talk mother-daughter and actually finds sitting down two minutes is a chore but rather do her dishes and leave when she's done?
She sits down for her boyfriend to talk...
She sits down for strangers to talk...
But not for her daughter.
She thinks im boring?
She complains i dont call her often enough and when i do i have nothing to talk about,.
When its time to talk, she rather turn her back at me, do my dishes and leave!
wtf?
She is mother and probably thinks she is being 'motherly'. Someone else gave a fantastic idea, if she wants to wash up why don't you go out with her and dry and keep the conversation going that way. You can spend time with her without sitting. TBH I hate sitting and never really 'sit' with anyone...
ETA - the more you talk about this the more I see that therapy is the only viable option. YOu need to deal with the past, present and future0 -
I COULD YELL AT HER FACE TO F-OFF AND SHELL LAUGH IN MY FACE AND WONT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.
Yelling in your Mum's face isn't exactly mature behaviour.
I wouldn't take you seriously either.
Treating your 29 year old daughter as a 3 year old child as if she's mentally and physically handicapped cant survive without her constant attention and disrespects her constantly and chooses her boyfriends over her daughter when they abuse her daughter and beg her daughter for money to buy crap at ikea when she capable to work to buy thos ethings ISNT MATURE EITHER.
So what would you like to change?0 -
I feel like I'm talking to my teenage daughter here... (she don't listen either).
If your mom won't play by your rules, then you either 1) deal with it and quit *****ing 2) find new and improved ways to set those boundaries she's ignoring (ie: counseling, books, support group).... or 3) walk away and mean it.
YELLING AND SCREAMING (here or at your mom) doesn't display confidence or maturity, nor does it command respect from others.
You've got pages of good advice, book suggestions, and compassionate responses. All you've done is spit at anyone that doesn't say exactly what you wanted to hear and retaliate. I'm going to take a wild guess your mother isn't the only one with a one track mind.
Good luck.0 -
She doesn't listen because she knows you won't follow through. She does it because you let her. As plenty of people have told you there needs to be clear consequences for her actions. She does what she does because that's what she has always done.
People change only when there is pressure (either internal or external) to do so. Why would she change if you haven't given her the motivation to do so. People have given you fantastic ideas and tools to achieve this.
I did.
When she does this, i cut off contact for a month.
But, she doesnt take me seriously.
She texts me a few days later (thinks i was mad and needed days to cool down)
But when she sees im not replying....
She freaks out and calls at work, bothers my boss and embarrasses me.
Or, shows up at my house banging on the door like a crazy woman as if im in danger of dying causing a rukus embarrassing me in front of my neighbours...
she's like a chihuahua with seperation anxiety.
this is very hard to deal with.
Of course i can ignore her calls and texts
Of course i can say my boss to refuse calls from her (i did)
Of course i can ignore her when she bangs on my door
But all of this harrassment is causing me anxiety and stress.
I dont need this in my life!!!0 -
i scream because i have no more patience, im stressed, frustrated, and she doesnt listen or take me seriously.0
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Then obviously you need to do it for longer than a month....doing it once doesn't mean your mother will be 'fixed'. It's like disciplining a dog or child, you need to be consistent and ALWAYS follow through0
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You are almost 30 years old.
Everything in life comes down to decisions. You have decided to let her treat you this way. If you don't need this stress in your life, TELL her what she's doing to you and tell her that you need your space. If she doesn't respect your space, tell her you will get the authorities involved. If it's bad enough, you'll do it. If it isn't, you'll find peace with it.0 -
I have a problem with my mother, please help.
- Get therapy, cut her off from your life
But i love my mother, i dont want to cut her off.
- STAY MISERABLE
great help right there..... i feel so much better!
Your mother won't change the way she deals with you until you make her do so - Why? its successful for her. You let her win. Until you establish in her eyes that you are an adult and should be treated as such, she won't do so.
The first step keeping a relationship with her may be to break the one you have now totally. She has to realize that she won't win. Maybe once you establish these boundaries you can then build a new relationship on a new basis, but for now, the choice is "as is" or "none". I know that's not what you want to hear0 -
i scream because i have no more patience, im stressed, frustrated, and she doesnt listen or take me seriously.
It took me cutting my mother off for a YEAR before she took me seriously. She relapsed into abusive behavior when I reconnected, and I cut her off AGAIN. I had a baby, went over to visit her and she tried to hit me while I was holding my newborn (was blasted drunk). I walked out the door and said "you will not see us again if you are not sober!"
You think she took me seriously at that moment?! HELL NO! Next time she wanted to visit, I made her breath on me and I smelled booze. I picked up baby and walked out. Didn't speak to her for a week.
Finally answered phone and said "you sober? if not, don't call"
It took many times of this for her to take me seriously.
Your mother may not change, or learn to treat you differently. At some point, you have to decide what's more important... her presence in your life..... or your sanity!
OK, I'm really done now.0 -
1. Cut off all contact with her.
2. Get therapy for yourself.
Just because you're biologically related to her doesn't mean you're obligated to continue in an abusive relationship.
In such a situation this is the only solution.
I had a similar relationship with my mother. She was absent for long periods of time, a compulsive liar and a victim complex. They was always a legitmate and extraordinary reason WHY something had happened and why it couldn't possibly be her fault. Therapy is not the answer so much and you may not need it, but please see that just because you are biologically related does not mean you are under any obligation to have an adult relationship with this woman.
Cut her off, change the locks, dont invite her over. Expect phone calls explaining why you are to blame and that she has done nothing wrong, but stay strong and focus on yourself. Know that what you are doing is for the best, and the self-less maternal ideal you have in your head would be telling you the exact same thing.
Also the puppy idea sounds amazing. Post pictures0 -
thats real good advice but after all that torment, i have no longer patience to deal with her.
Her voice is like nails on a chalk board.
as soon as she barks an order, my stress level goes from zero to 'i need to kill someone right now redzone"
i cant "set boundaries" because she doesnt respect them
i "set boundaries" before by no contact for months and she doesnt learn from it.
She always goes back to her old ways.
I cant explain to you how b!tchy her attitude is.
Soemtimes it come sout of no where.
my mother has a mental health problem
i dotn know what it is
But froma person to be joyfully sweet one minute and a real raging rude b!tch with attitude for no reason the next minute
thats not normal
im not dealing with her anymore.
i dotn want her around me.
im not setting boundaries or locking my door
she comes ot my hous ei call the cops
i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!0 -
thats real good advice but after all that torment, i have no longer patience to deal with her.
Her voice is like nails on a chalk board.
as soon as she barks an order, my stress level goes from zero to 'i need to kill someone right now redzone"
i cant "set boundaries" because she doesnt respect them
i "set boundaries" before by no contact for months and she doesnt learn from it.
She always goes back to her old ways.
I cant explain to you how b!tchy her attitude is.
Soemtimes it come sout of no where.
my mother has a mental health problem
i dotn know what it is
But froma person to be joyfully sweet one minute and a real raging rude b!tch with attitude for no reason the next minute
thats not normal
im not dealing with her anymore.
i dotn want her around me.
im not setting boundaries or locking my door
she comes ot my hous ei call the cops
i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!
No. You definitely still need therapy. First world problems galore.0 -
Her boyfriend once pushed me down the stairs.
I could of broke my spine and become handicapped or paralysed my whole life
I called the cops that night
He was yelling like he wanted to kill me.
She said she still wnated to stay.
she didnt want anyone to know
she didnt want me to say anything
i told a school concellor
a school social worker came to my house and i moved away
she freaked
after a while, i thought she changed
at my appartment, she did the same thing
b!tchzilla bossy attitude each time she came to my house
even makign a scene at my grocery store
i left her in the aisle alone to scream at herself
no f-ing way!
We never talked about it.
each time i want to talk about it, she says "its past now"
i never got to talk about it so i still have an open wound
but she always refuses to talk about it
its easy to put it under the carpet when you werent the victim!
I learned recently that around that time she accepted his ring for engagement.
she never told me.
when i found out 15 years later,
she started lying like oh yea i told you it was around 15 years ago
then she changes her story saying she doesnt remember
she was afraid of my reaction when i knew she accepted his ring at the same time she shoved me down the stairs...
theres a lot of wounds she created
this is why i have no patience with her a scream
i dont respect her
she doesnt care about me if she did that0 -
im not dealing with her anymore.
i dotn want her around me.
im not setting boundaries or locking my door
she comes ot my hous ei call the cops
i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!
That's called setting boundaries (and following through).
I would still recommend that you get therapy.0 -
i dotn need this in my life.
she needs therapy - NOT ME!
Therapy isn't just for people who are mentally ill. Therapy is also for people who want support or are suffering or who would like to learn new ways of dealing with difficult people/situations. You can't make her go to therapy, and she isn't here asking for help, so that's why people are focusing on what you can do. If she were here, describing herself as you do, I'm sure people would tell her to go to therapy.
You mentioned wanting individualized support. If I had read this earlier, I would have told you to leave this thread and don't look back. A forum of people who don't know you personally will almost certainly not be the right people to talk to about something that has you so raw and sensitive. A good therapist, regardless of her own life history, will tailor her support and feedback to what you can take and what you can't.
You described a push-pull pattern in a recent post. You cut off contact for a month, she freaks and harasses you. She freaks and harasses you, you cut off contact. She freaks and harasses you. In relationships, often the more one person pulls away, the more the other pushes for more, and vice versa. If someone is being too pushy, the more the other draws away. Go on the offensive--contact her more often. Text her, call her, ask her about herself. She may find herself reassured about your relationship or wanting a little breathing room of her own.
Please know that people suggesting counseling are not blaming you, just hoping for support for you. I know you said you can't afford it, so hopefully you find some options that are workable. I'd look at the library for self-help books if there are no affordable options involving individualized support.0 -
Sounds like my mom.
Best thing I ever did? Cut her out of my life, got professional help, and became selfish and only worried about me. I've never been happier.
Side note, finding a male therapist helped me. Might help you with more because of your issues with women.
you dotn miss her?
you feel happier?
I never felt happiness before. I'm happy now.
Mine continues to try to push her way back into my life. I refuse to let her back in. I know she'll only cause me more pain, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc. I changed phone numbers. Moved. Switched jobs. All she has is a P.O. Box address for me that she sends hate mail to. I never looked back.
She had over 30 years to change her ways and how she treated me with multiple warnings from me about being gone. She figured it was an empty threat. I was dead serious.
If I ever had to go back and do it all over, I would've made that decision at 17 when I moved out.0 -
Her boyfriend once pushed me down the stairs.
I could of broke my spine and become handicapped or paralysed my whole life
I called the cops that night
He was yelling like he wanted to kill me.
She said she still wnated to stay.
she didnt want anyone to know
she didnt want me to say anything
i told a school concellor
a school social worker came to my house and i moved away
she freaked
after a while, i thought she changed
at my appartment, she did the same thing
b!tchzilla bossy attitude each time she came to my house
even makign a scene at my grocery store
i left her in the aisle alone to scream at herself
no f-ing way!
We never talked about it.
each time i want to talk about it, she says "its past now"
i never got to talk about it so i still have an open wound
but she always refuses to talk about it
its easy to put it under the carpet when you werent the victim!
I learned recently that around that time she accepted his ring for engagement.
she never told me.
when i found out 15 years later,
she started lying like oh yea i told you it was around 15 years ago
then she changes her story saying she doesnt remember
she was afraid of my reaction when i knew she accepted his ring at the same time she shoved me down the stairs...
theres a lot of wounds she created
this is why i have no patience with her a scream
i dont respect her
she doesnt care about me if she did that
It's not helping you to keep reliving this. We might feel sorry for you, but that does you no good. The past is the past. You need therapy to help you deal with it; not this.
You say you have set boundaries. But if she continues to do this, they are not real boundaries. Lock your door. Change your number, no matter how much a pain it is.
You are an adult now. This is on you. You can't keep blaming others. Sorry, but that is the truth.0 -
I hope you've gotten pages of compassionate, sound advice. I didn't read everything, but I read enough.
Move far away.
Get counseling so you can live a positive, healthy life and create a loving, stable family of your own in the future.0
This discussion has been closed.
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