Overbearing mother causing obesity

MelsAuntie

Life is too short to deal with toxic people. Cut the bytch out of your life, make sure she doesn't have a key to your place, and you are under no obligation to put up with her abuse. At this point it doesn't matter what her reasons are, as she is making you miserable. Cast off, don't look back.

MinMin97

I could really relate to you on this relationship. It sounds like you were describing my mother, in many ways! Always be respectful to your mom. But now that you are an adult, and have your own house, you probably should limit your interaction, and begin to stop her from dropping by.
RESPONSIBILITY. You are responsible for your weight, your attitudes etc. All the mean stuff your mom has done to you, make sure you never do that to others.....and don't do it to your own husband/children.
Give her time. She may NEVER change. That is not an easy thing to accept. In fact, it's like experiencing loss in the form of death!! Take some time in the privacy of your own space to grieve the loss! It is a loss, I totally get that.

gypsyrose64

I will follow your advices to seek concelling once i get money for it.

What you dont understand is its hard for me because there is no one else in my life. My father is never around, i have no siblings and im not close to my cousins and aunts. I dont have friends and I suck at dating (i never dated much in my life) There is only me and my mother. If i cut off my mother, im alone.........

Part of the healing process is learning to "be ok" with being alone. I get it, I really do. I haven't dated in years, don't have siblings, and my mother's death last year sent me reeling into this dark abyss of depression. Even though she was my nemesis for many years, she was "my mother". I kept hoping one day she and I would have this awesome relationship, but it never happened.

In the last few months I've worked on my health, weight, finances and mental health. I sought help. I read books, and realized that I'm alone and I didn't die from it.

We have FREE SUPPORT groups called "CODEPENDENCY ANONYMOUS" (similar to Alcoholics Anonymous" and I would bet you could find one in your town to attend. You will find people who share your story.

The library has an entire section on the subject, and that book saved my life years ago.

You have to accept that for right now, your mental health is more important. Things did get somewhat better for me and my mom over the years, but it took me walking away a few times for her to recognize I wasn't taking her crap anymore.

lawkat

There is nothing wrong with wanting her to love you. However, you do have to come to terms that you will never have the mother/daughter relationship that you have always wanted. Trust me, I know. I have had to realize that no matter what I say or do, she will never change. You will constantly be let down when she doesn't act the way you want her to. When you get disappointed, you eat and then turn around and blame her. You have fallen into a catch-22 with this situation and you need to break it.

As for saying she is the only person in your life, get out there and met new people. Go to Meetup.com. There might be a group of people who are into an activity that you like. What about your co-workers? You can't be friends with them? You make excuse after excuse why you won't limit your relationship with her. I think to some degree, you like that she needs you so much because you are lonely. She is lonely too. That is why she comes to you and I bet she is expecting that you would be the daughter she has always wanted and when you act out or lock yourself in your room, she walks away dejected and hurt.

Create some boundaries and try to sit down and talk. Not yell but talk about what you need and ask her what she needs and wants.

kbmnurse

Grow up and stop allowing mommy dearest to impact your life in such a negative way.

michellechawner

I haven't read all the answers, but I'm sure what I'm about to say is in there.

YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. YOU caused your obesity. Ok, your mother may have contributed to it, causing stress, etc. You are in your late 20's, as am I. Quit making excuses and CUT HER OUT. It may be hard, but if you kno it's what you need for a happy healthy life, you need to do it.

As for her calling the office, my old boss had this issue with HIS mother and when I was working was told to hang up on her. So I did. Change your address, change your cell phone number, change your name for all I care, then she can't track you.

Yes your mother causes you stress, which you need to deal with in a healthy way and NOT turn to whatever it is that helps you, food, drugs, alcohol, whatever it is. This is YOUR LIFE. Be an adult and take responsibility for your health, your goals, your dreams. And don't let her in to steal them, sabotage them, whatever you think she is doing to cause your obesity. YOU are causing your obesity, and until you realize that only YOU are responsible for YOU, I wish you luck.

dwalt15110

No matter what anyone on this forum tells you, you have a "poor me," "how dare you say that," comment. Well, here it is in a nutshell. Yes, she is the only mother you have. Yes, it is natural to want to have a healthy relationship with her. However, until YOU get some help and learn the skills you need to deal with her, you will never have that relationship. Until you put YOU first, you will never be healthy. You have to stop laying blame and start getting help and taking responsibility. You have made it abundantly clear that everything, no matter what it is, comes back to her being wrong. That is your perception, while her perception and others' perception is that she is a wonderful, lovely, caring woman. Somewhere in between is most likely the truth.

This is a hard lesson to learn, but you can NEVER go back and change the past. It is horrid what you went through, but you cannot change that. You do, however, have the rest of your life in front of you to make the best YOU can make it. If you continue to stand looking back on the past and dwelling on it, your life will pass you by and you will never get to do the things you want to do.

You are not a child anymore. You are an adult and you need to take responsibility for your decisions. You know your mother walks right in when the door is unlocked, yet you leave your door unlocked. You don't want to talk to her, send her to voicemail everytime she calls. When she calls at work, ask her if this is an emergency. If she says no, then tell her you will talk to her after you get off work, hang up the phone and then call her after work. When she comes into the house and tells you she's not going to sit around and do nothing, say "Good, I'll get my keys and we can go for a walk." Then usher her out of the house with you behind her, lock the door and saunter down the street.

Listen to those on here who are telling you to get help. Arm yourself with coping skill so that you can understand and deal with your mother. No more making excuses. Take positive steps,

castelluzzo99

I will follow your advices to seek concelling once i get money for it.

What you dont understand is its hard for me because there is no one else in my life. My father is never around, i have no siblings and im not close to my cousins and aunts. I dont have friends and I suck at dating (i never dated much in my life) There is only me and my mother. If i cut off my mother, im alone.........

Have you ever considered finding a church? If there is one near you, you could find a lot of friends there.

MinMin97

I will follow your advices to seek concelling once i get money for it.

What you dont understand is its hard for me because there is no one else in my life. My father is never around, i have no siblings and im not close to my cousins and aunts. I dont have friends and I suck at dating (i never dated much in my life) There is only me and my mother. If i cut off my mother, im alone.........

There really is nothing wrong with being alone. Why not just take advantage of the peace? It will give you some time to sort things out, and start making a life for yourself. I think it will take some time to stop her from calling/dropping by. But you could begin to find some healthy activities and focus yourself anew in life. Don't worry about being "alone". You won't always be in this particular set of circumstances. Use it to your advantage.

Skrib69

A. So what the OP posted on the internet. Aren't forums designed to bring people from different walks of life together and help? It sounds like she doesn't really have anyone to discuss about this. Internet forum posting isn't usually my first option if I have someone to talk to.

B. Therapy isn't always the answer. I went to a therapist for a year and all they told me was that they hoped I got a new job then all my problems would be solved. I didn't even talk about work that much. It's as if my depression hasn't been there since I was 13 or anything.

C. OP, it sounds like you're very resistant to any of the answers people have given you so far. What did you expect everyone to say? This is not going to be easy at all. It's going to be extremely hard. What's your alternative though? If you are so fed up with her and you feel that she is not making anything better, then why are you still putting up with this? And I'm not just making things up. I've had to lessen my ties with family members, especially my father and brother. Nothing I did was ever good enough and I never looked good enough for them. They told me I'd never get married if I didn't follow steps One, two, three. So I talk to them once every few months, I visit once a year for two days. Same situation with my mother. If you try to take a conversation beyond, "How's the weather?" she becomes an emotional wreck.

Anyway, this isn't going to be easy. So decide. Either live the way you're living, or change it. It's hard but at the same time so simple. Also, I saw you mention moving (or maybe another poster did.) This is what I did and it helped so much.

Rose, this is not a poke specifically at you, but your post sums up my thoughts quite well.....

Point A - I agree. This is the point of forums.
Point B - I agree. I have never understood rushing into therapy. Besides, OP has said that cash is a problem.
Point C- here I disagree. Lots of people have given great answers as a final solution. OP has already stated that she has been dealing with this situation for years and is at the end of her tether. She has been brow beaten and oppressed. What I think most people have ignored is how OP prepares herself to make that change - the road to get to that point. You might as well say "snap out of it". It doesn't help. People stay in a poor relationship because they don't have the strength to leave it. Add to that that OP wants to maintain a relationship with the mother, and the path to the grand solution becomes even more important.

Rose, as I say, this isn't a poke at you specifically. It is how I see the entire thread.

OP, to find your path to any of these solutions offered I would start with a large, blank piece of paper and a pen. Mark yourself in the middle. Around the perimeter of the page, write down all the solutions you can think if NO MATTER HOW INSANE THEY APPEAR.

Once you have completed this, work out what you have to do to get to that solution. You may even need a fresh page for each of these solutions. They can be as simple as asking your boss not to transfer your mothers calls, to so complex as to need a small novel - it doesn't matter. This should help you see a way forward. Then, and only then, can you start with the easier issues and build your confidence to deal with the tougher issues.

This is a very simplistic summary of how I can see you moving forward, and it is not going to be easy! You will quite probably need someone to talk to and confide in.

This is going to be a really tough journey, and I am sure you can succeed. Posting on this forum alone is a huge step. Good luck

ChristineS_51

Hi there
I have read through your post and the responses - being a public forum you will get a lot of people jumping in to fix things, give you their thoughts - by being in a public forum that's what happens. I would say the comments from Gypsyrose and Luckydays give some sound sensible ideas and I hope you can action some of them.

You definitely sound like you are depressed and need help, but sounds like money is also a problem. St John's Wort is a herbal remedy (should be available at chemists/pharmacies) that is actually very effective in treating depression, so much so that it cannot be taken with prescription antidepressants. Maybe try that to help lift your mood.

Try baby steps - you are not able to control your mother. However you can try and control how you react to her. It is not your fault that she is like she is.

I will share with you my "brick wall" theory - I developed this to help me deal with some nasty things in my life. Mind it was with non-family members so not sure if it will work with family - but worth a try? The idea is that some people are like brick walls - doesn't matter what you do, say, think, how much emotional energy you spend on them - they are brick walls - they just stand there and don't care about you, and carry on (think Great Wall of China!!). So, imagine the person is a brick wall - you can walk along side it, climb over it, but a brick wall will NEVER respond to you or think or care about you. So "echo" to the brick wall - don't initiate talk or interaction. If the brick wall speaks to you - for example says "Hello" say "Hello" back. Don't waste emotional energy on a brick wall. Have minimal interaction, don't waste any emotion on it, that brick wall is never going to change.

Decide that instead of eating badly to hide yourself from what is hurting you (I know how that feels) decide you will make healthy choices in your eating. Every time you eat something healthy you are winning. Every time you eat something crappy SHE is winning.

I would think that getting a pet would help you - we have a cute little rabbit! Get a pet that is cuddly and kind that you can take care of and that fits with your working life.

As a mum of four grown up kids whom I love to desperation I hate to see what some people have to live with. Do take care of you and let your mother take care of herself. Be as strong as you can be, and it will get easier with time. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

littlepinkhearts

Venting on a public forum doesn't solve your problem. Childhood therapy obviously didn't help you as an adult.

You are miserable and dumping this on a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Get back into therapy, you don't have to have such a dysfunctional relationship with this woman. You actually don't HAVE to have any relationship with her. This type of posting is very uncomfortable for me, and even though there will be plenty of people who are going to sympathize with you - you need to solve this. You are an adult.

THIS You need to get out...move away...whatever...just do it....for you.

staystrong_314159

One of my parents is a little like that. Get a new lock or key or whatever so she can't come in and then just ignore her or shove her away from you. Maybe move far away. It's cruel, but it's probably the only way that you'll get her out of your life.

fatfudgery

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness

JerseyGirlinTN

This is gonna be hard to hear, but you're in a co-dependent relationship with your mother. Every suggestion people have given you, you have explained why it hasn't worked or won't work. The EXACT same way an abused woman won't leave her abuser. The EXACT same way a family won't stop 'helping' an alcoholic.

You need to find a therapist who will help you deal with co-dependency issues.

You can only use mommy as an excuse for so long; you're an adult.

rosellasweet

Skrib69,

No offense taken! I'm not really understanding how we disagree on point C though. It feels like we're saying the same thing but in different ways.

Anyway, OP I hope you find peace soon.

zephtalah

You are 29! It is time to stop blaming your mother. It might make Froid happy to see people buying into his theories, but it won't help you at all. Yes, sometimes people have horrible backgrounds that they wish they could forget. However, they are not destined to a miserable life because of others. There is a good book called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud. Read it. Apply it. You are an adult now. Deal with your life. You can not nor are you supposed to fix her. Fix you. I'm sorry you have baggage, but honestly having baggage means your human. Also, someone else's actions can not make you obese. You put the food into your mouth. You purchase the food. It is you. You have chosen to seek comfort in the form of food. Now, you are realizing the effects of that choice. If you don't like it then change. Change is hard and uncomfortable, but sometimes it is very necessary. You have got to choose do I like my life the way it is or do I want something different. If you want a different life then you need to do things differently.

lsigall

I don't know if anyone else has yet posted this, as I haven't read all the pages of comments. But try reading this book: http://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375658810&sr=8-1&keywords=will+i+ever+be+good+enough It's called "Will I Ever Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers".

I also suggest, as I saw other people did on the first page, that you find a therapist or support group who specializes in dealing with the family members of those who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. While I'm not a psychologist and I can't guarantee your mother has NPD, it sounds like she could. If cash is an issue, look for a clinic that will work on a sliding scale. Or find a support group, as those usually don't charge anything to attend. You will also find other people who are going through the same thing.

My Mom has NPD, although hers manifests differently than it does with yours. I have to limit my contact with her. I have had to accept that I will never have a healthy relationship with my mother, but that isn't my fault or something I can control. It's hard, I know. You may not be able to do it. Unfortunately, though, nothing will change if you can't. Your mother isn't going to change, no matter what you do. You can't control what she does. Only what you do.

I am really sorry, though, that you are going through this.

whytejamaican

I understand why you're having a difficult time and relationships with our parent(s) can really affect us in everyday life.

You might be encouraged to hear this audio from a Family Counselor that can help with your situation: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/roy-masters/2012/08/12/mother-issues-k7012

He has lots of other audios too. I hope this helps: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/roy-masters

mxyr

My mother is like this. I deal with it by being more dominant than she and by distancing myself from her. Hope things turn out okay for you. ): Feel free to message me.

HollisGrant

I'm so sorry you have a mother like that. My mother was very cruel and unreasonable, too. I read a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans that finally explained her behavior and also explained why my responses to try to explain things to get her to understand me went nowhere. Your library might have the book. My heartfelt best wishes to you. It's a very painful thing to live through. You have the right in life to be treated with respect. Your mother is very abusive and probably mentally ill.

jhmomofmany

Everyone tells me she does this because she loves me, but truthfully, if a stranger would do this to me, i would tell them to f**** off. Why is it acceptable that my mother disrespects me because she loves me? Makes no sense to me!

I personally think you gave yourself the answer here. Blessings~

MinMin97

These are some of the best materials I've ever seen on family relationships.
http://www.solvefamilyproblems.org/default.asp

strivingfor130

If you are willing to go back to therapy, I would suggest someone licensed in marriage and family therapy. I went to graduate school in this field, and these professionals are more qualified to understand family dynamics and to help you really understand the relationship between you and your mom. I'm not saying that other types of counselors aren't, but MFTs have specific training in it.

Also, you need to figure out what kind of relationship do you want with your mom that is realistic. Do you want to cut her off completely? Do you want a relationship where you are able to see her and talk about minimal things? etc. If you still want to continue a relationship with your mom, you are going to have to set boundaries with her. This will probably be most of your work in therapy. You say that she will stand outside your door forever until you open it. I highly doubt she will; however, I bet you eventually give in and open the door so she will go away. The thing about boundaries is that they have to be consistent, and you really have to stand your ground. It will get ugly at first. Your mom WILL NOT like it. She will increase her behaviors, but if you stick through it, eventually she should get the picture. I don't know your mom, but she sounds like she has some issues going on within herself, and sometimes having some empathy for that can make you feel less crazy. And if she doesn't get it, you need to decide what you want to do about someone who constantly is overstepping boundaries you set and having no respect for you. You can't control your mom's actions, but you can control how you feel and your own actions. Your relationship with your mom doesn't have to be like this forever. You have the power to do something about it.

FrenchCanuck

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child under her roof.
it isnt her roof anymore.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

rkcampbell

You guys dont understand.
SHE DOESNT LISTEN!

She thinks my house is her roof and i have to listen to her like back when i was a child.
She doesnt understand I pay the rent and she has to respect MY rules

talking to her doesnt work, its like talking to a damn brick wall
standing my ground and telling her to respect me doesnt work, she laughs in my face

i had two choices;

1. ignore her in my room until she gets bored and leaves
2. me getting f*cking angry and physically removing her by grabbing her arm and shoving her out of my damn house.

like i said - she DOESNT LISTEN.

hiding in my room was not being a teenager - it was me removing myself from the situation before i got violent.

understand?

No. Lock your doors, change your number, and get some help. Otherwise, continue dealing with her crap and being miserable.

dejamos

Read this: http://www.amazon.com/Toxic-Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Reclaiming/dp/0553381407

Get therapy. If it doesn't help or the therapist doesn't understand then find another one. And another one. And another one until you find one that you connect with - they are all just people and you won't respond to all of them so you need to keep trying until you get one that you can work with and that you can trust to really understand you and what you are going through.

Be prepared to accept the very real possibility that she might not be able to change, and to accept the fact that you are not responsible for any behavior other than your own, and you have the right - THE RESPONSIBILITY TO YOURSELF - to remove yourself from the presence of anyone who does not treat you the way you deserve to be treated, no matter who they are.

And then read this: http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-The-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375659949&sr=8-1&keywords=david+burns. It will help you learn to deal with those voices in your head.

strivingfor130

You can only say so much to people like that. You say what you need to say and then leave it. People can't unhear what they have already heard. Use your actions to get your point across.

_EndGame_

Venting on a public forum doesn't solve your problem. Childhood therapy obviously didn't help you as an adult.

You are miserable and dumping this on a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Get back into therapy, you don't have to have such a dysfunctional relationship with this woman. You actually don't HAVE to have any relationship with her. This type of posting is very uncomfortable for me, and even though there will be plenty of people who are going to sympathize with you - you need to solve this. You are an adult.

So don't comment then. If listening to someone else's problems is uncomfortable for you, then why listen or take time to respond? She came asking for advise, not criticism.

This is a community forum, lots of people have issues, whether it's weight related or not, and people are willing to help and give advise.

OP, sounds like you need a break. Just cut her out for a few weeks, go on holiday, take a small vacation, etc. Do you have a BF? If not, perhaps make yourself available? Go on a date, find a new hobby? Before you know it, your mother will see you have your own life and interests, and perhaps she'll change her ways or re-evaluate her relationship with you.

Good luck, I hope you manage to find some common ground with her.

jaggerhawks

Yes, she sounds like she needs help.

Regardless, you need to take responsibility and control of your own life. It isn't impossible. You alone are responsible for what goes into your mouth, it's your hand bringing the fork to your mouth. You alone are responsible for the exercise you do, as it's your legs getting you to the gym. If your mother isn't physically and forcibly stopping you from doing either (beyond using words and manipulation) there is no excuse.