Overbearing mother causing obesity

CarmenSRT

It is okay to keep toxic people away from you. If your mother is toxic, disengage and MEAN IT. Set ground rules for reengagement. Get the help of a professional counselor to formulate a plan if you need help.

strivingfor130

I do control my own life, its just my mother that is an issue.
I cant live with her and i cant live without her.
explain that.

You don't have to live without your mother if you don't want to. Alot of people have suggested you do but as others have said as well, you can still have a relationship with her it just may not be the relationship you've always hoped for. However, you can still have one with her. You mentioned in one comment that you were afraid since your mom is the only person you have. However, like I said before you don't have to cut her off. I completely understand that fear of not having someone there. I was so afraid that if I set boundaries with my parents they would cut me off from their lives, but they didn't because they love me. I think you could really benefit from having some more meaningful relationships in your life. Join a club, make some friends from work, or find a workout partner. You need other people for support. You can't start dealing with your mom until you have support or else you'll probably just end up in the same cycle with her. Good luck with trying to get through this. I know it is hard stuff. When I had to do it, I know what I needed to do, it was just super scary to actually make myself do something different. Change is scary for both people in a relationship. I stand by my comment that if possible, try seeking a marriage and family therapist to help you figure out how to change your family dynamics and to get more control over your relationship with your mom. We have patterns in our families that play on repeat generation to generation to generation. It is so helpful to stop those patterns and create newer healthier ones so that if you ever have kids or get married the same patterns you have with your mom won't be in those relationships either. Here is a site to find one near you. http://www.qamft.org

elizabethadkins737

...

I tried to seperate from my mother.


When i dont answer my cell phone or reply her texts, she calls my boss at work and asks him to tranfer the call to me.
I told her not to call at work for non emergencies.
She ignores me.
She calls for "small talk"
This makes me look bad at work, i dont like it. Its crossing the line right there.

I cant escape her.
If i dont answer, she harasses me at work.
She'll get me fired!

SHE DOES NOT LISTEN.

Sounds like you need a restraining order. Seriously

followrivers

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my best friend, who has a mother just like yours and acted very similar to you, just because she's your mother doesn't mean a damn thing. You may think that's cold and cruel but at age 29 you are no longer in a symbiotic relationship. You are an independent, free individual. As long as you keep your mother on a pedestal, she's going to continue to treat you like a piece of crap on the bottom of her shoe. Your mother sounds like she has control issues and you sound like you have a lack of control and you guys are playing off each other whether you realize that or not. I would hate to see you end up like my best friend's older sister..37 years old still living under mommy's thumb.

You say you wouldn't let a stranger treat you that way, you shouldn't let ANYONE treat you this way. Your mother does not get special privileges because she happened to give birth to you. At the end of the day that's a title given to her because of something that happened by chance, a title she is currently abusing and that you are letting her continue to abuse. Of course you love her and you want a relationship with her, but what's going to happen when she's gone? What will you do then? Who will you blame then? Take control of your life and live the life you deserve. Often times we get the love we think we deserve, please want more for yourself and more importantly do more for yourself by getting that toxic woman in check and unlearning all the negative behaviours you've picked up by having to live/interact with her.

FrenchCanuck

Sounds like my mom.

Best thing I ever did? Cut her out of my life, got professional help, and became selfish and only worried about me. I've never been happier.

Side note, finding a male therapist helped me. Might help you with more because of your issues with women.

you dotn miss her?
you feel happier?

Bridgetthegre

She sounds annoying, but I don't even know if that counts as abusive.

1.She comes in your apartment, and instead of looking at dog pictures, she cleans.

2.She pesters you at work when you've asked her not to do that.

3. She tells you to eat your vegetables

4.She marches in your unlocked apartment without asking

5. If you don't answer the phone, door, etc. she keeps bugging you

Welcome to life. With the exception of bothering you at work, it mostly sounds pretty normal to me, and I've definitely met crazy. Don't answer the phone at work. Tell her to call 911 if it's an emergency.

Find a therapist. You don't have to cut someone out of your life to set boundaries. The therapist will not tell you how to change your mother. Your mother will give up calling work if she can't get through. She'll probably stop banging on the door if you don't answer. She probably won't stop telling you to eat your vegetables. The therapist will explain to you what choices you can make in response to your mother. Unless you find the good fairy, it won't be easy.

People aren't being mean to you. They're telling you what you don't want to hear. You have to take responsibility.

FrenchCanuck

I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my best friend, who has a mother just like yours and acted very similar to you, just because she's your mother doesn't mean a damn thing. You may think that's cold and cruel but at age 29 you are no longer in a symbiotic relationship. You are an independent, free individual. As long as you keep your mother on a pedestal, she's going to continue to treat you like a piece of crap on the bottom of her shoe. Your mother sounds like she has control issues and you sound like you have a lack of control and you guys are playing off each other whether you realize that or not. I would hate to see you end up like my best friend's older sister..37 years old still living under mommy's thumb.

You say you wouldn't let a stranger treat you that way, you shouldn't let ANYONE treat you this way. Your mother does not get special privileges because she happened to give birth to you. At the end of the day that's a title given to her because of something that happened by chance, a title she is currently abusing and that you are letting her continue to abuse. Of course you love her and you want a relationship with her, but what's going to happen when she's gone? What will you do then? Who will you blame then? Take control of your life and live the life you deserve. Often times we get the love we think we deserve, please want more for yourself and more importantly do more for yourself by getting that toxic woman in check and unlearning all the negative behaviours you've picked up by having to live/interact with her.

toxic...
i always thought when i have a daughter id be close to her and affectionnate.. i would never treat ym future kids that way. i dont know what goes on in her head. she needs help but shell never admit it. not my problem anyway right? i have to think about me. she ruined my whole weekend. im tired of this drama... youre right, she has no right to use my birth as a free card to treat me like crap. boy does it boil my blood when i see her acting like a polite perfect person in front of strangers....

lynnkieu

I also have a complicated relationship with my mother so I know where you're coming from. And no matter how hurtful or abusive she can be, I still love her because she is my mother and she has also done many wonderful things for me during my lifetime. But when I am with her, it is very hard for me to be happy because she is extremely critical. How did I solve this dilemma? I moved away.

I am far enough away that we only see each other in person once or twice a year because of traveling costs. During those times, I just buck up and take it or try to gently remind her that she is being rude and I'd prefer if she kept her negative comments to herself. We still keep contact on the phone about once or twice a month and things are much better. It is hard for her to criticize me over the phone because she doesn't see me or can't find things to complain about. Usually she complains to me about my sister who still lives in our hometown and now takes the brunt of the criticism and abuse.

Consider your father's advice about moving farther away from her. That way you can still have a long distance relationship with her without her driving you crazy on a daily basis.

psychRN83

After years of psych nursing and dealing with maladaptive behavior I can tell you this, every story has two sides. The best advice to give with hearing only one side of the story is the only person you have control over in this world is yourself. You cannot change anyone else no matter how hard you beg, cry, or try. You have to accept them as they are or remove them from your life. Make positive changes for yourself and take control over your life by finding positive people to surround yourself with but be aware that no one else will make you happy unless you are happy with you personally. Many times people with low self worth try to find happiness in themselves thru others. This does not work. You are not stuck with the biological relatives put on Earth with you. There are many more enjoyable compatable human beings out there for you to enjoy that are not related to you. My father was very abusive when I was young both physically and emotionally, he is my only father. I rarely speak to him as it is a drain on my life. I moved away and joined the army when I was 17 to get away from him. I am 30 now. I love my mother but rarely speak to her since she lives with my father. I see them at Christmas every year and that is about it. I just view my childhood in a negative manner. I do realize that i have a somewhat maladaptive relationship with men but I do not let it affect me in the same manner that your mother affects you. Sometimes you just have to learn to let people go if they affect your life in a negative manner even if they are related to you.

gypsyrose64

I'm going to try and explain something about the dynamics of the bully(mom)/victim(you) relationship.

Let's picture that you and mom are tossing a ball back and forth. You want her to toss it to you easy and over handed. She is determined to toss it to you fast and furious. You feel beat up because this game(the relationship) isn't how you want it.

It's very simple. You quit catching the ball for a while (pull away and get separation by any means) and firmly tell her what you expect in the future. Then at some point, when you're stronger... you explain to mom how you want the ball to be thrown. If she doesn't comply, you drop the ball and back away again. EVENTUALLY, she will ease up and do it more your way.

You think I don't understand, but I do. I lived next door to my mother. She would walk over and bang on the door until there was hand-prints in the door. Then she'd bang on the bedroom window. Then she'd ring the phone silly. Then she would let herself in my house (yes, she had a key) and march up in my bedroom!!! I was in my 30's when this happened! It took me coming out of the shower dripping wet, and physically removing her from my house while telling her off the whole way out the door! I made it loud and clear that it was MY HOUSE, and she WOULD respect that or I'd move away!

We teach people what they can and can't get away with. It's hard to untrain the bad behaviors, but it's possible. You must arm yourself with firm boundaries, and confidence to back them up. THAT is what counseling does for YOU. The books suggested can also start the process, but you have to be willing to accept that YOU are continuing the ball-toss with her and playing by her rules.

It really does take TWO to keep the game(drama) going. Quit playing by her rules and make your own. My mother eventually learn that she had two choices... 1) play by my rules ....2) lose her only child. She made the right choices, but it took me being dead serious and willing to follow through. Bullies only win when you let them.

conniemaxwell5

...

I tried to seperate from my mother.


When i dont answer my cell phone or reply her texts, she calls my boss at work and asks him to tranfer the call to me.
I told her not to call at work for non emergencies.
She ignores me.
She calls for "small talk"
This makes me look bad at work, i dont like it. Its crossing the line right there.

I cant escape her.
If i dont answer, she harasses me at work.
She'll get me fired!

SHE DOES NOT LISTEN.

Change your phone number and tell the people at work that you will not receive phone calls from her. Sit her down and tell her why you're doing this and then walk away. Move if you have to and do not give her your new address. You need to cut ties with her and heal from the emotional abuse. You can't control your mother's behavior but you can control how you respond to it.

I agree with other posters about therapy. It's very different when you're an adult because you have control over who you see and how you take the advice. They went to school to study behaviors and what causes them. They learned strategies to help people be stronger in relationships. A good counselor can help you.

Venting to strangers is a temporary relief for your pain. Getting advice from strangers, even those who have been through what you have, can be dangerous. You said you've been suicidal. For that, if nothing else, you need professional help.

mockchoc

I think your mother sounds rather normal and you are the one with anger issues. Maybe she does your dishes not because she thinks you are unclean but she just might be the type of person that can't sit still for long.

FrenchCanuck

Im supposed to go back to school next year for college, i dont know how im gonna make it work living on my own but ill figure it out. My plan was to take advantage of the low rent at my mom's boyfriend's income property appartment he made at home, but i think i will regret that decision.... i moved away because she was toxifying my life.

FearAnLoathingJ

Sometimes blood is not blood , I know she's your mom ... But for you own health you need to limit or cut out her presence in your life

FrenchCanuck

I think your mother sounds rather normal and you are the one with anger issues. Maybe she does your dishes not because she thinks you are unclean but she just might be the type of person that can't sit still for long.

Okay...

She comes inside my home, sits down two minutes and says with a snotty tone: " Im not gonna sit here all day. I have to move. If you wont let me do the dishes, im going to leave. Im not sitting here doing nothing all day!". I tell her she can leave if she doesnt want to stay. So she does my dishes without asking me as if the place belongs to her.

SHE was the one bugging me for weeks to come to my house to see me - now that she's here, she wants to f-off because sitting down 5 minutes to talk with her daughter is too unbearable!. is that normal to you? if she didnt want to sit and talk, then leave me alone and go rollerblade outside! My appartment is small what kinds of "moving" was she expecting to do??

i have anger issues because each time my mom comes to my place she doesnt want to sit and talk and rather touch my stuff and f-off when shes done rearranging my stuff around? ****ing right i have anger issues! would you like a stranger to come to your house and move your stuff around as they please and f-off?

- comes in the door
- sits down for 2 minutes
- complains she doesnt want to sit down
- does my dishes
- tries to re arrange my place as she sees fit but gives me attitude when i dotn let her
- makes excuse to f-off because she cant have her way

this is NOT a mother-daughter time.
sounds like i paid a maid to clean my house and f-off when shes done!!!!

grentea

If your mother is destructive in your life, I think you need to step way back from your relationship with her. She sounds like she has emotional issues, and she will not change her ways because they get her what she wants. It is really unfortunate when you don't have parents who give you the love and support that you need, but at some point you have to realize that she will probably never be a mother figure to you. It is really sad because these types of things can stay with you a long time. Honestly, she sounds abusive and I would choose to stay away from her. I think you can love your mother and choose to not have her in your life. Therapy would probably be very helpful.

AABru

DID YOU EVEN READ THIS? READ IT! READ IT AGAIN!

Here's what I took from 6 pages of responses...it seems to vary a great deal from what you've taken away from others...


I have a problem with my mother, please help.

- Get therapy. Check out church groups or sliding scale groups. Try different counselors. We are all human and sometimes we may not connect right away with a particular counselor, so try a few different ones until you find one you feel you can connect with.

- Check out some great books that have helped others! There are books available online through sites such as Amazon, or even for free at your library. The topics include Setting Boundaries and Co-Dependency and Narcissism.

- Set boundaries. Treat your mother like a parent treats a child: Set a rule. Set a consequence if such rule isn't followed. Follow through with set rule.
Example: Mom calls at work for non-emergency.
Rule: Tell mom that you cannot take personal calls at work and doing so will jeopardize your job. Do not call you at
work unless it's emergency.
Consequence: You will hang up on mom if she calls at work for a non-emergency related issue. You will return call
after work hours.

Now, follow through with that rule. Repeat as often as necessary. Not one person said this was going to be easy. Will she throw a fit? Probably. Haven't others already said the process will be slow and painful, but necessary?

- Lock your doors. Do not allow her in unless you have invited her over. If she throws a fit outside your door, sneak out the back, turn on TV, put headphones on. Locking doors does not mean living like a hermit. I lock ours all the time out of habit whether or not we are home. I lock them when I am outside in the garden. I lock them when I am outside playing with my kids. I lock them when I am walking the dogs. I keep a key in my pocket so I don't have to carry my whole set of keys with me all the time. Or, I toss it on a string around my neck if I don't happen to have pockets.

- If mom enters, encourage her outside. "Such a great day for a walk! Let's check out the neighborhood!" "I really need to stretch my legs. Let's get outside for some fresh air!" "would you like to splurge and try the bakery down the road for a coffee and pastry?" Get her out of the house.

- Change your phone number. Contact your cell phone carrier and ask how you can block numbers. I KNOW this can be done as we have done this on our stepdaughter's phone. Do you have a phone that will allow you to set a different ring/notification for individuals? If so, set a silent alert for your mother. That way, as she blows up your phone with texts/calls, it doesn't bother you and make you crazy listening to the noise of it going off every 10 minutes.

- set boundaries (again, I know)...Mom, I work rotating shifts. This week, I work the following: (tell her shift). Therefore, please do not contact me between the hours of X-X. If you do, and it is not an emergency, I will hang up and will not answer further calls/texts from you between those hours. My sleep and health are important to me and I need this time to rest. When/if she does not follow your request, then follow the rule you set in place. Hang up. Do not respond to texts. After the time YOU set forth, then you can choose to respond or take her calls.

When out with your family, have you every considered the possibility that she may have alienated them, too, the same way she has done you? Perhaps their coping mechanism in situations such as her harping on you to eat your vegetables is to simply tune her out and ignore it. Also, we teach others how to treat us. If you don't stand up for yourself, why do you think your family will?

But i love my mother, i dont want to cut her off.

- STAY MISERABLE
- Make changes to how you respond to her. Set boundaries. Follow through with those boundaries.
- Sometimes, in some relationships, no matter how badly one may want to have a healthy, loving relationship with a parent, it isn't possible. Sometimes it's necessary to cut ties and set healthy boundaries. Those who have experienced this very difficult, painful decision have felt healthier and happier once having come to terms with their decisions. NOT ONE PERSON said this was an easy decision to make, but it was NECESSARY for THEM. Consider the possibility it may be necessary for you, too.


You mentioned that you thought others who have been through similar situations as your could be helpful. Well, I read MULTIPLE responses from those whom have dealt with difficult parent(s) / family member(s). They expressed to you what worked for them, how they got help, choices they made, difficulties they faced, etc. Yet you repeatedly stated that no one understands, no one listened to what you said, etc.

Are you listening to what others are saying? Or are you looking for more excuses? You cannot change how she behaves or responds to your rules/requests. Only she can change her behavior. And only YOU can change YOUR behavior. Stay strong, stand up for yourself, put your foot down. YOU CHOOSE how you respond to her.

unicornpoop

Don't waste your time with this topic folks. The OP doesn't seem to want help and will only insult your reply. I hope you didn't waste your time reading 7 pages of this like I just did.

Bridgetthegre

Tell your mother to come to my house. She can do my dishes. She doesn't even have to ask.

nz_deevaa

I'd like to hear the mother's side of things. Probably very interesting...

probably goes along the lines of what the OP said:

I love her, I try to help her, make her eat healthy things like vegetables, I try to do the dishes and help her get rid of garbage and get her help when she needs it. And she gets mad.

You know, without all the pages of hate talk. I remember being young. My pages of rants could be summed up by my mom in a sentence lol.

She comes to my place with a huge teenage girl *****y attitude. she goes around my house arranging my furniture and things as SHE SEEMS FIT. she does my dishes, takes me garbage away, then makes an excuse to leave. she wants NOTHING to do with spending quality time with me. This is why i hate it when she makes my dishes. I want to spend time with her, sit down with a coffee but she acts like a maid i paid to clean my house!!! Its not love when you refuse to spend 5 minutes of your time to talk with your child. she makes me feel like im a dirty unclean person.

You know if you went in and helped her with the dishes you could talk to her and spend quality time. You don't have to be sitting down drinking coffee to spend time together. My Mum comes to my house and cleans too. I help her, and sometimes I distract her with a two person chore that needs doing, and in the process of doing that chore we talk and spend time together.