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Is verbal harassment common at the gym? And do women or men catch more of it?
Replies
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I had a naked conversation in a locker room with a gay guy, and no, never.3
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »I don't think anyone said unwanted touching is okay.
In response to my saying
She didn't say all guys. It doesn't take 100% of guys being jerks who think they're entitled to have women pay attention to them, smile at them, talk to them, and let them touch them for those kinds of experiences to pervade women's lives. You shouldn't feel painted by the brush unless you identify with that behavior.
tbright1965 saidLet's unpack this, you suggest that someone shouldn't feel something.
Okay, so if someone said you shouldn't feel threatened when the bad man looks at you, are you okay with that?
I just want to know the standard. Who gets to decide what someone should or shouldn't feel?
Is it not okay for men to tell women what they should or shouldn't feel "Come on, smile for me..."
But it's okay for women to tell men what they should or shouldn't feel, "You shouldn't feel painted..."
You see, from my perspective, those are exactly the same thing. The words are different, but the pattern is the same. Someone projecting upon another what they should really be feeling. Invalidating what they are feeling or experiencing and replacing it with what the speaker has decided they should feel.
So what's the standard here?
May I request that it be consistent and evenly applied?
That's either saying that unwanted touching is OK or pretending it doesn't exist. Sweeping it under the rug. Ignoring the fact that it happens. It's just about being told to "feel something," not about being told what to do ("smile") and being told that you're uptight if you object to someone putting their hand on your shoulder or your waist or wherever it goes next.
Quotes are messed up, but I really don't get how you get that from what tbright said.
The charitable thing would be to ask him if that's what he meant.2 -
I don't think anyone said unwanted touching is okay.
In response to my saying
She didn't say all guys. It doesn't take 100% of guys being jerks who think they're entitled to have women pay attention to them, smile at them, talk to them, and let them touch them for those kinds of experiences to pervade women's lives. You shouldn't feel painted by the brush unless you identify with that behavior.
tbright1965 saidLet's unpack this, you suggest that someone shouldn't feel something.
Okay, so if someone said you shouldn't feel threatened when the bad man looks at you, are you okay with that?
I just want to know the standard. Who gets to decide what someone should or shouldn't feel?
Is it not okay for men to tell women what they should or shouldn't feel "Come on, smile for me..."
But it's okay for women to tell men what they should or shouldn't feel, "You shouldn't feel painted..."
You see, from my perspective, those are exactly the same thing. The words are different, but the pattern is the same. Someone projecting upon another what they should really be feeling. Invalidating what they are feeling or experiencing and replacing it with what the speaker has decided they should feel.
So what's the standard here?
May I request that it be consistent and evenly applied?
And then I saidThat's either saying that unwanted touching is OK or pretending it doesn't exist. Sweeping it under the rug. Ignoring the fact that it happens. It's just about being told to "feel something," not about being told what to do ("smile") and being told that you're uptight if you object to someone putting their hand on your shoulder or your waist or wherever it goes next.
And then lemurcat2 saidQuotes are messed up, but I really don't get how you get that from what tbright said.
The charitable thing would be to ask him if that's what he meant.
Yeah, when I saw they were messed up it wouldn't let me edit it. I think I've fixed them here.*
I said something. Then someone said nobody is talking about that. His response to my saying it was to ignore it. He even quoted just that portion I've quoted here in the second quote block (but without the bolding I added because apparently it was in invisible pixels nobody could read) and still insisted nobody was talking about that.
I make an effort in almost every interaction I have with people to assume the best when it comes to their intentions.
But I have been around the block too many times with the rhetorical device represented by "not all men" and "all lives matter" to be willing to always be the one in the conversation making the effort to be "charitable" when someone is trying to derail that conversation to undercut the people explaining the reality they live in and instead make the conversation about themselves.
*well, I didn't fix them the first try here. Trying again, but I'm killing the auto attribution as I'm afraid that has gotten messed up, and I don't want to misattribute something by mistake.7 -
The conversation about gyms was derailed way upthread.8
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I was very specific where I commented on the part about men shouldn’t feel ....
I made no comment about the touching part of the post.
I thought it was obvious the touching was wrong and didn’t say anything.
I should have been more clear.
One can be critical of ONE part of a post without invalidating the entire post.
Perhaps this is the disconnect here.
Thoughts?10 -
Identity politics makes everything awesome.13
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Last week a man who was old enough to be my grandfather watched me doing hip thrusts and said in a really creepy way.
"Well done girl. Are you feeling the burn?"
I almost threw up a bit!7 -
Last week a man who was old enough to be my grandfather watched me doing hip thrusts and said in a really creepy way.
"Well done girl. Are you feeling the burn?"
I almost threw up a bit!
did you say anything back to him what did you do?
I wonder if you could report these men to the managers or something and if they are able to actually do anything.0 -
.
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Last week a man who was old enough to be my grandfather watched me doing hip thrusts and said in a really creepy way.
"Well done girl. Are you feeling the burn?"
I almost threw up a bit!
did you say anything back to him what did you do?
I wonder if you could report these men to the managers or something and if they are able to actually do anything.
I didn't because I'm a non-confrontational person. I just pretended not to hear him over my music. Unfortunately I think I have been socialised to accept this type of behaviour but if I see him again and something similar happened I would definitely report it.4 -
I’ve seen far more people offer sincere advise (which can be not helpful, but almost always with perceivably positive intent) than any other thing for talking to a stranger in the gym.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a confrontation other than meatheads dropping/throwing weights down or people hogging equipment.0 -
I’ve seen far more people offer sincere advise (which can be not helpful, but almost always with perceivably positive intent) than any other thing for talking to a stranger in the gym.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a confrontation other than meatheads dropping/throwing weights down or people hogging equipment.
Meatheads?2 -
I have been hassled by another woman at the gym, at least until I called management. She would get in my face in the locker room, every time we were there at the same time and were alone ( I go really early in the AM), and flip out over crazy stuff like me "needing to learn to share space" when we were the only 2 there, as well as making nasty comments about me being middle aged. Or she would accuse me of bizarre stuff like smearing makeup around. The manager apparently spoke to her about it, because it abruptly stopped; however, she still does things like come up and stand/put her stuff really close to me with music blaring from her phone, etc. I did tell her and the manager that if she got aggressive I had no problem calling the police, but aside from her childish antics, she's backed way down, and I'm good with that. This middle aged woman doesn't have time for middle school locker room bullying...7
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I have had people hit on me. I’m good with that. I have in the past either flirted back when single and interested or shut it down when not single and not interested. It has never bothered me for people to make their move, then I can make the choice to either be flattered and say thanks or roll my eyes and say no thanks. I do think I must be oblivious most of the time because I have never felt publicly harassed. I have heard stories of guys refusing to take no thanks as an answer but I’ve been pretty lucky obviously.2
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I haven't noticed it in any gym I have frequented. In fact, the only place that I would say nurtures a somewhat hostile atmosphere is Planet Fitness (e.g. banning large water containers, lunk alarm, etc.), but I understand that's their way of enticing new gym-goers.0
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Personally I have a workout partner and talk with them between sets or I have earphones in and keep to myself. After 26 years I've never had a problem aside from the odd guy (a few times ever) who may seem a little impatient when I asked how many sets he has left on a piece of equipment.
I would say that younger fit girls in the free weight section appear to be the celebrities of the gym. If you watch the eyes of most males they are usually staring directly or indirectly through a mirror but I've yet to see anything dramatic come of it.
Overall, I get that there can be an intimidation factor but as a lot of other posts said it isn't much different than any other new place. Most people are just doing their own thing and worried about their own progress. To each their own. We all start somewhere. It would be unfortunate to not go for it and change one's life for the better.2 -
FitFamilyGuy wrote: »Personally I have a workout partner and talk with them between sets or I have earphones in and keep to myself. After 26 years I've never had a problem aside from the odd guy (a few times ever) who may seem a little impatient when I asked how many sets he has left on a piece of equipment.
I would say that younger fit girls in the free weight section appear to be the celebrities of the gym. If you watch the eyes of most males they are usually staring directly or indirectly through a mirror but I've yet to see anything dramatic come of it.
Overall, I get that there can be an intimidation factor but as a lot of other posts said it isn't much different than any other new place. Most people are just doing their own thing and worried about their own progress. To each their own. We all start somewhere. It would be unfortunate to not go for it and change one's life for the better.
^All of this...
I have experienced several debates/(proverbial)backstabbing/arguments, but in the end, it turned out, that the participants all knew each other outside the gym, some for many years. They just ran into each other (literally) inside the gym.
Not sure how they do in the cardio section at the gym, as I never use any of the machines. We have some competitive bodybuilders in the weight room, though, and we tend to cut them some slack, when they get close to a competition. No brain can reasonably function on this much testosterone, and SO FEW carbs... But we like them, and they usually do better after competition and the first pizza...
As for bullies trying to get into someone's face...pointing out that there is a 20 lbs dumbbell hovering above their toes, should make them back up fairly quickly... The beauty of lifting and strengthening the back: It also helps strengthening the back bone, IMO.
Happy lifting!
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Yes. I started gyms when 16 and anot older male made comments about whether I might be wearing a g string. Luckily I wasn't permanently intimidated I just ignored all males after that.
More recently in a large gym that offers very cheap no cancellation memberships, a guy felt up his own package as I was walking past , looking at me , making what I guess was supposed to be an orgasm face and groaning 'yea baby' , but looked like a disability face, no offence to disability I have one myself. I was on a trial and didn't go back.2 -
Yes. I started gyms when 16 and anot older male made comments about whether I might be wearing a g string. Luckily I wasn't permanently intimidated I just ignored all males after that.
More recently in a large gym that offers very cheap no cancellation memberships, a guy felt up his own package as I was walking past , looking at me , making what I guess was supposed to be an orgasm face and groaning 'yea baby' , but looked like a disability face, no offence to disability I have one myself. I was on a trial and didn't go back.
Sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully that dude gets put in his place.0 -
Yes. I started gyms when 16 and anot older male made comments about whether I might be wearing a g string. Luckily I wasn't permanently intimidated I just ignored all males after that.
More recently in a large gym that offers very cheap no cancellation memberships, a guy felt up his own package as I was walking past , looking at me , making what I guess was supposed to be an orgasm face and groaning 'yea baby' , but looked like a disability face, no offence to disability I have one myself. I was on a trial and didn't go back.
Sorry you had to go through that. Hopefully that dude gets put in his place.
I could tell you exactly what place my kick would've been aimed at on his torso, but I'll leave that to your imagination.5
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