Why did you get married?
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4legsRbetterthan2 wrote: »there was an awesome thread on this a few months back, but I think the OP was one of the people who deactivated a bit ago and had all their content deleted, I am not finding it
Anyone remembering the "should marriage go out of style" thread. was that the name of it?
I remember this thread and I think this is the name or very close to it. If my memory serves me correctly it was created by @Ilovetrees145.
ugh I think so too 1 -
Taras Kul, vlogger, is getting married in October. Check out how he looks at her every time they talk about their wedding plans. Totally, utterly, smitten.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKpjOA8cr_0
OP, you may have your own ideas on what a marriage (and the celebration) should look like but I promise you when you are THIS smitten with someone, you will want to do it in a way that honors this new person in your life. It will be a joint decision.1 -
For the same reasons we do most things in our life. Because its a progression. Why did you get a driver's license, technically you don't need one to drive, you just need to know how. Why did you get a job? Technically you could just live off the land like a caveman. As a society we've said that its the final step in choosing a life partner. Doesn't mean you have to, just like driving. No one needs to get married, its a choice and honestly one that should be made with a great deal of thought as many jump in before they should.
You also keep bringing up divorce, if you're thinking about divorce before you've even married then nothing anyone says to you will make you understand because you don't get that by making that contract with someone, you're showing them that you've chosen them forever or else you will suffer all these things you mention like losing half your stuff. Its' kind of the point of marriage, that you're a partnership and share in everything. If one of you dissolves that partnership, then yes you deserve to lose half your stuff.0 -
My last name was a nightmare. So I needed something simpler.7
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Because being married is different than not being married. You will be unsatisfied when I tell you I can’t really explain how, it just is.
I was with my fella for 13 years before we got married. We never intended to have children together so never really planned on getting married even though neither of us was going anywhere. As the years passed, getting married just started to feel right and we both decided we wanted it.
The funny thing is that for a few months prior to and then a few month after the wedding, we had a tough time, each of us thinking the other was behaving strangely, somehow different than normal until we finally had it out. I asked him why he was being so weird and he said he didn’t feel weird or intend to be acting that way; he asked me the same and I gave the same response. In the end we laughed, embraced that things were now different in some non-specific but also non-toxic way and grew closer for having worked through it.
We will celebrate our 12th wedding anniversary in September and I have no regrets whatsoever.
I feel like the cultural and familial obligations around marriage are the problematic parts of your equation more than finding a life partner you want to be with. They would be for me at least. Neither of our families vetted any part of our process and I would have been very unhappy to involve them in my relationship in any of the ways you describe. I was born into my family. I chose my husband. Between the two, I’m going to side with the man I chose over the people I was stuck with through accident of birth. Any sort of meddling would result in a happy husband but a sad family for me personally.
(Edit: got my dates mixed up. What year is it again? lol)1 -
We were already in a committed relationship but I needed health benefits and SO got a tax break.
Win-win!
Edit: Also, many people say that marriage changes everything. Perhaps it does for some people, but thankfully it didn't change a thing for us. We had friends who got married after us that were concerned about this old adage too, but I think marriage is only different than a long-term, committed relationship if one or both of you want/expect it to be.0 -
Taxes ...
in addition: Getting a bank to finance your new house is so much easier when you're married (Possibly because they know that a divorce most likely costs a fortune and therefore will put the house back on the market, for significantly less than you payed, of course).0 -
Nice barong!BrSpiritus wrote: »
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Tax bracket
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
0 -
We were already in a committed relationship but I needed health benefits and SO got a tax break.
Win-win!
Edit: Also, many people say that marriage changes everything. Perhaps it does for some people, but thankfully it didn't change a thing for us. We had friends who got married after us that were concerned about this old adage too, but I think marriage is only different than a long-term, committed relationship if one or both of you want/expect it to be.
I figured that dated back to the days when people didn't live together before being married. In my relationship I think that was the hardest part, the few months after moving in together. Since we already lived together previous to being married, nothing really changed immediately from just getting married.
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@81KatzI'll put myself out there, just this time with a more real answer.
Because I loved him. Because I believed in a future with him. Because I believed all the good things he said to me and big plans he wanted for us.
I realized after all was said and done, and when I finally was really honest with myself that love shouldn't make you hate yourself or feel like *kitten* most of the time.
That just because you loved them, it doesn't mean they're good for you.
I came to the same conclusion only it took more than 3 decades. The pain is real. Thanks for sharing.
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I was told there was going to be punch and pie.2
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TravisJHunt wrote: »You also keep bringing up divorce, if you're thinking about divorce before you've even married then nothing anyone says to you will make you understand because you don't get that by making that contract with someone, you're showing them that you've chosen them forever or else you will suffer all these things you mention like losing half your stuff. Its' kind of the point of marriage, that you're a partnership and share in everything. If one of you dissolves that partnership, then yes you deserve to lose half your stuff.
YES!!! THIS!!! ^^^^ Someone else who sees the same faults in the OP that I do.0 -
Which time?0
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I did not bring up divorce -when did I talk about divorce ? if I did it wasn't my intention.
I, merely stated that- "it's not like I've been around people who have been divored-i've been around people who have been married ranging from 10-75 years" . As in, I've only seen long lasting relationships so far.
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Taras Kul, vlogger, is getting married in October. Check out how he looks at her every time they talk about their wedding plans. Totally, utterly, smitten.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKpjOA8cr_0
OP, you may have your own ideas on what a marriage (and the celebration) should look like but I promise you when you are THIS smitten with someone, you will want to do it in a way that honors this new person in your life. It will be a joint decision.
Yes, you may be right. Also, these are just my views lol , my woman may have total opposing views regarding this whole matter. Only time will tell.0 -
My parents met through a blind date. My dad was 35 years and my mom was 27. I think they were set up by a mutual friend. I don't know that they were madly in love but wanted to get married at that stage to someone and liked each other okay. They were married about 40 years until my mom died. They had 3 kids and didn't fight or seem desperately unhappy with each other so I guess it worked out.
After my mom died my dad married a woman his age that he met through a senior dating site. He wanted companionship I guess and to him that meant marrying a woman not just living together or dating. They were together a couple of years until the woman decided to leave and they divorced. She had been married and divorced twice before and I think had been pressured to marry again by her adult daughter. She also had a big dog and was finding it hard to find a place to rent that she could afford. I think she also married for security since my dad had more money than her and owned a house. I guess it wasn't enough reasons to stay married in the end. It was a pretty amicable split even though my dad did not really want to divorce.
So maybe initial reasons why matter and maybe they don't to how happy someone will be married. If you want to be married you are probably going to be happier than someone who is marrying because they feel they have to.
I get the feeling that the OP really wants to know if it was worth taking the risk of a formal long term/life contract of marriage for people who chose marriage and not so much the reasons why people get married.
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Getting married was fun and tax benefits.0
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born_of_fire74 wrote: »
I should have thought about this more, you don't realize how annoying 3 extra letters can be until its too late0 -
born_of_fire74 wrote: »
Funny enough my wife's maiden name is Jandog which means gift in Filipino.1 -
Btw- this is how marriage works in my culture. There are exceptions now because times have changed but what I will be describing is how things operate in traditional families.
1. My grand parents will be told about a possible family,
2. They will vet the family- as in who they are and what family they come from, how old is the family and how back the roots go,
3. They will speak with the girl's parent's
After that,
1. Girl's family- They shouldn't be related closely. Theory is- if it's closely related and there is an issue prevalent in the family it may pass on to future offspring- as in genetic disorders or something so it's better to be not related. Is the family free from addictions etc etc.
2. Girl's future plans- as in, if she is even ready to get married? what are her life goals? Is she ready to make a commitment or she is 50-50 and family is forcing. What's life long goals? Kids? Career? etc - would she and I compromise or we are 100% opposite or we are 100% similar both scenarios are a "no-no".
3. Girl's background/upbringing- Was she raised in a family where they earned through jobs, business or political? Since jobs in theory have less stress because you will get paid at the end of the month, however little it may be-you'd get paid. Business the income stream is up and down and political families have times of very high stress then smooth sailing then up again. If she comes into a family which was total opposite -it'll be hard for her to transition and that would suck for newly weds.
4. Girl's family's financial status- Are they "too" rich as in total out of league or "too" poor. Since if they are very well off and I am not- it'll be hard for her to transition and adapt to our "level" and if she's too poor- she won't be able to adjust fully either.
Once this is set and done- girl would be shown my picture and given my details and whatever she needs from my side and her parents. If she approves -I'd be told alright this is this- and as a family we would go meet. If she's ok on that then it'll continue from there.
P.S- keep in mind, some things don't apply here in western culture so it may be a head scratcher.
I may have missed few details but this is how the process usually is- it's not just a union of two people it's a union of two families. Community comes together to unite them. Times have changed and now things are done in a similar way it gets done in Western society however, in my case it'll be like I've mentioned here. I have zero issues with this process. I ain't even against marriage I just wanted to know WHY YOU did it.
Like I said before, I was all for marriage and all when I was young but the more I've meditated the more I feel like why though. That whole "partner for life" and those things just don't justify. Since WE created this why can't we be together without this "marriage". Also, "thick and thin" so where one person would be going through struggle now there would be two of us drudging along.
Only thing I am totally against for now is, spending a lavish amount on wedding and the events which my family and extended family is looking towards. I just want court marriage and party that's it. Not like 4 functions before then wedding then party. However, the girl may have other plans so who knows where it'll all end up.
What country are you from? I feel like arranged marriages would definitely give me a different feeling about the whole thing.1 -
Taras Kul, vlogger, is getting married in October. Check out how he looks at her every time they talk about their wedding plans. Totally, utterly, smitten.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKpjOA8cr_0
OP, you may have your own ideas on what a marriage (and the celebration) should look like but I promise you when you are THIS smitten with someone, you will want to do it in a way that honors this new person in your life. It will be a joint decision.
Yes, you may be right. Also, these are just my views lol , my woman may have total opposing views regarding this whole matter. Only time will tell.
Id like this...where do i find this0 -
my view was after 10 years we might as well be so we did and threw a party for the family and friends rather than us cuz we couldn't have done it without them0
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Not married but want to be 🙋🏻♀️2
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Hi,
Just wondering why does one get married?
"Life partner" - well , that one can be without married as well
"Someone with you in thick and thin" - if you are good friends with someone it'll be same
"It shows how much you love someone" - really now?
"For love" - umm ok- but do you really need to be married to them?
"Societal" - yes that I can some what understand but people will talk for a while then they will forget and accept as it is
"Family pressure" - I think same as society- will talk for a while then shut off
"Kids"- Sure, but if you aren't married and have a kid out of wedlock- that doesn't mean you can't raise the child in a wholesome environment.
"Gives meaning to life" - what does being married have to do with it?
"Friends come and go-life partner is for life" - marriages end too
"To carry my legacy" - isn't this just ego and what if the child is a total screw up?
This is me just having a conversation with myself. There is a divide between me versus myself.
Just wondering because one can surely have a wholesome relationship for life without being married, right?
Movies and all have made "hippies" or "that culture" look bad but didn't they have it right in the first place? Some tribes
did that too- one can have multiple partners and still live a happy , wholesome life.
So why did you get married? What am I not understanding? What am I missing?
Been married 26+ plus years. Wouldn't have it any other way. Our marriage has had its ups and it's downs, but has endured.
I don't think there's an easy answer to the question of "Why did you get married?"
Single life was fine for me for a while, but I just remember thinking back then that it was the right woman, the right time and the right decision.
By the way, your post reminds me of an old saying .......
"Never advise anyone to go to war or to marry." ~ Spanish Proverb1 -
Breezybreeze7 wrote: »Not married but want to be 🙋🏻♀️
Me too...I’m free in about four or five weeks...whadya say???3 -
SpartanRunner1978 wrote: »Breezybreeze7 wrote: »Not married but want to be 🙋🏻♀️
Me too...I’m free in about four or five weeks...whadya say???
Out of the frying pan and into the fire? Brave man!
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htimpaired wrote: »Btw- this is how marriage works in my culture. There are exceptions now because times have changed but what I will be describing is how things operate in traditional families.
1. My grand parents will be told about a possible family,
2. They will vet the family- as in who they are and what family they come from, how old is the family and how back the roots go,
3. They will speak with the girl's parent's
After that,
1. Girl's family- They shouldn't be related closely. Theory is- if it's closely related and there is an issue prevalent in the family it may pass on to future offspring- as in genetic disorders or something so it's better to be not related. Is the family free from addictions etc etc.
2. Girl's future plans- as in, if she is even ready to get married? what are her life goals? Is she ready to make a commitment or she is 50-50 and family is forcing. What's life long goals? Kids? Career? etc - would she and I compromise or we are 100% opposite or we are 100% similar both scenarios are a "no-no".
3. Girl's background/upbringing- Was she raised in a family where they earned through jobs, business or political? Since jobs in theory have less stress because you will get paid at the end of the month, however little it may be-you'd get paid. Business the income stream is up and down and political families have times of very high stress then smooth sailing then up again. If she comes into a family which was total opposite -it'll be hard for her to transition and that would suck for newly weds.
4. Girl's family's financial status- Are they "too" rich as in total out of league or "too" poor. Since if they are very well off and I am not- it'll be hard for her to transition and adapt to our "level" and if she's too poor- she won't be able to adjust fully either.
Once this is set and done- girl would be shown my picture and given my details and whatever she needs from my side and her parents. If she approves -I'd be told alright this is this- and as a family we would go meet. If she's ok on that then it'll continue from there.
P.S- keep in mind, some things don't apply here in western culture so it may be a head scratcher.
I may have missed few details but this is how the process usually is- it's not just a union of two people it's a union of two families. Community comes together to unite them. Times have changed and now things are done in a similar way it gets done in Western society however, in my case it'll be like I've mentioned here. I have zero issues with this process. I ain't even against marriage I just wanted to know WHY YOU did it.
Like I said before, I was all for marriage and all when I was young but the more I've meditated the more I feel like why though. That whole "partner for life" and those things just don't justify. Since WE created this why can't we be together without this "marriage". Also, "thick and thin" so where one person would be going through struggle now there would be two of us drudging along.
Only thing I am totally against for now is, spending a lavish amount on wedding and the events which my family and extended family is looking towards. I just want court marriage and party that's it. Not like 4 functions before then wedding then party. However, the girl may have other plans so who knows where it'll all end up.
What country are you from? I feel like arranged marriages would definitely give me a different feeling about the whole thing.
My family and her family won't fall for "looks" - they view everything from the perspective of longevity and harmony in the relationship. "Looks" come in play at the very last moment because they both need to be somewhat in the same "league" so as to avoid future "jealousy" or what not. There is probably a better way to explain this lol0 -
"To carry my legacy" - isn't this just ego and what if the child is a total screw up?
This. In the end it almost always it boils down to this (with straight folks and even some gay couples, now), but this is more "why have children" than "why get married". If you've ever played Maxis' "The Sims", you would know the creepy delight in seeing what traits get passed and combined between mates. Not to mention the appeal of creating a "mini me" that many would deny.
I could go into a great lecture about how marriage is a contract, and it was as much a bargaining tool for economic and political dealmaking at one time as it was a guarantee of a family unit - in fact it was rarely a guarantee in those times that mothers frequently died in childbirth, men at war and of disease or starvation, and children often didn't make it to puberty.
It can still be seen this way among the elites or in countries with caste systems. Celebrity couples, royal weddings, hearse chasers. But that's not most people.
Most people do want to have children, and there's no argument that having both biological parents present and happy with each other and their family doesn't make a huge positive impact on a child's future. That's why sex produces bonding hormones for both parties, and childbirth the same. Nature wants us to stick with the mothers and fathers of our children - it ensures better survival (that being said, there have been studies to show that "foster" parents do just as well on this front and that early human mothers almost surely relied upon the "it takes a village" premise - even allowing other females to breastfeed their young.)
And you're right:
Some tribes did that too- one can have multiple partners and still live a happy , wholesome life.
Polygamous tribes who have practiced marrying husbands to multiple wives seem to have better success with this model than modern-day, western style "polygamists" who are either trapped in this lifestyle for generations or not raised in the culture at all, and instead are sold a sexual fantasy by cult-leaders... Obviously that's not a healthy mindset in which to frame your community as opposed to "this is tradition, it is honored, it is the way nature wants it, we all coexist for one another's happiness and benefit" which I hazard to guess some, but few, western polygamist families have achieved. Usually in polygamist tribal family units the wives have their own property and a certain level of independence and agency over their children, but also are available for the other wives and children.
In the end, marriage is only Western culture's societal and economic justification for curbing natural sexual urges. It incentivized commitment and compassion towards women (who often came with valuable assets) instead of wife theft, murder, rape, etc. It provided a legal foundation for recognition of the relationship between a man and wife, who are not blood relatives, and allowed for women to inherit property at times when few were landowners. It created a way to make peace with, or great deals with neighbors or influential citizens. It provided upward mobility not just for women, but for entire generations.
The question is not "why get married".
The question is "what does marriage mean to me, today." Now that dowry is gone? Now that many states have eliminated dower and curtesy and the concept of community property and totally unified property ownership for married couples? Now that women may be educated, employed, and own land by the same means as men? Now that we only remarry because of divorce/choice or very rare tragedy? Now that we must have fewer offspring to see them reach adulthood? Now that the world is over populous but birthrates are plummeting, the effect being more family trees will inevitably die?"
Culture is changing, the world is changing. Because our needs and prospects are glaringly different from those of our grandparents and great grandparents just 100 years ago. It's right that people ask these questions in our current times.
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