The Sober Squad- Alcohol Free Living
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@RubyRed427, you have been an inspiration and fearless leader to many of us since Jan. 1. It’s nice to have companions on the journey. I did not intend to go AF long term when I did the dry January (which I didn’t achieve), but the realization that this is what I had to do has been so valuable. I don’t think I would have been so honest with myself without the folks on these threads.
@donimfp I totally agree!
People like you and @RubyRed427 have shown me through your trial and "error" how hard it is to moderate.
You've helped me realise how much easier it is for me to just enjoy my exercise highs and the far fewer lows I have from being alcohol-free.
My Nomo app reminded me last night I've now been AF 7 months.
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@Orphia wow 7 months is wonderful. And you inspire me with your blog and your posts. I am happy you dont have the alcohol gene and are just AF because you enjoy life without it. Xo1
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@RubyRed427 & @donimfp Thank you ladies for your wisdom...it really is a reminder for me to not take it personally. This is a tendency for me. My adult son once said to me, "Why do you care SO much?" His words come back to me in situations such as this. It just shows me that I'm emotionally attached for some reason that will eventually reveal itself. It's likely triggering some past stuff that I've shoved down with booze...And YES, I need to let others know this topic is off the table for me at least if she feels the need to critique me, I don't need to hear it. It really doesn't matter what she says unless she gets to the point where she can begin to take accountability. I know I was not a contributor to her problem....I know she is deflecting accountability, & her drinking issue has NOTHING to do with me, she moved here with an already entrenched drinking issue & one DUI on the table.
SO, why DO I care so much?? There's something for me to write about in my journal, along with all the blessings I need to count to get my head in a different space.
Hope everyone has a happy weekend....2 -
@lorrainequiche59 This is for you, me and anyone else. I think we are sensitive souls and injustice bothers us. Xo
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I texted my friend who had told me about "my contribution" accusation. And I posed the same question to her, "Why do I care SO much?" Anyway, she said this, "You take it personally because people in your life have managed to convince you that you ARE responsible for their screw ups, misfirings and general poor decisions. You aren't and never have been, but it takes things like this to realize they are looking to blame someone else rather than take responsibility for their own actions as GROWN ADULTS. 'So & So' is an expert at this or she wouldn't be going down this road for the SECOND TIME! You got this, girl!!"
Why I care SO much has just been revealed to me!! Made me bawl
Cause she hit the nail on the head...I tend to forget about this aspect of my experience & sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders until someone or something reminds me that I can just let it go cause it isn't my responsibility.
This is a HUGE reason why I drank. To have a break from feeling that huge weight. Now I can just LET IT GO!!! In the words of another wise friend, "Now, you don't really have to worry about that now, do you Lorraine!!" NO I DO NOT!! Who needs therapy when I have friends like this LOL
Perhaps someone can relate to this. Especially if we grew up with an alcoholic, mentally ill or narcissistic parent OR combination of all 3....it does a number on us, doesn't it!!7 -
RubyRed427 wrote: »@lorrainequiche59 This is for you, me and anyone else. I think we are sensitive souls and injustice bothers us. Xo SO true!! Thank you NOW it's time for a soak in the tub with my current novel & then back-to-school shopping with my favorite daughter (my only one LOL) & my grandson...then lunch out! FUN!! 3
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People like you and @RubyRed427 have shown me through your trial and "error" how hard it is to moderate.
My Nomo app reminded me last night I've now been AF 7 months.
Wow! 7 months is incredible!
On moderation, I still check in to the Less Alcohol thread, and I read things like "I plan to do x, then y, then z . . . " to moderate. I think these kinds of strategies do work for some people, and that's great. For me, that kind of thinking and planning just took up too much mental real estate. Plus, my great plans never seemed to work. I finally had to admit I was kidding myself. On to second calendar month AF.
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People like you and @RubyRed427 have shown me through your trial and "error" how hard it is to moderate.
My Nomo app reminded me last night I've now been AF 7 months.
Wow! 7 months is incredible!
On moderation, I still check in to the Less Alcohol thread, and I read things like "I plan to do x, then y, then z . . . " to moderate. I think these kinds of strategies do work for some people, and that's great. For me, that kind of thinking and planning just took up too much mental real estate. Plus, my great plans never seemed to work. I finally had to admit I was kidding myself. On to second calendar month AF.
Yes, I've realised being mindful is so tiring.
I'm happy mindlessly avoiding alcohol altogether.
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Just started a 4 month AF stretch today - last day December 31st.
Moderation is "easy" for me (its all relative) but the inner moron comes out every time I have a sip which leads to my inner fat man coming out when I raid the fridge. Reading this forum has inspired me to just quit altogether. Instead of going for a "forever" manifesto Ill start with what I know I will do. Jan 1st I will re-evaluate (but most probably re up for another year).
Thanks all for the support and being examples. Amazing people here.
(P.S. the inner fat man does make an appearance from time to time - without any liquid courage. But that's another challenge.)7 -
@eriktherealviking Welcome to our GREAT group of supportive people. Keep on keepin' on!!
@Orphia SO true about mindful drinking being tiring...WAY too much thinking about drinking!! And really the word "moderation" as related to alcohol is one drink daily for women & two for men MAX...SO, really there shouldn't be much thinking if a person is being moderate cause anything beyond the recommended daily health limit is not moderation. Really, how many people stick to the healthy guidelines for moderation?? It may be drinking less, but it is certainly not moderate.2 -
You know I was thinking that our thread and other groups like AA really are a beautiful thing. A support group helps so much; otherwise willpower alone would be very difficult to sustain on your own. I’m sure some people have quit cold turkey and made it stick for years. But probably some of us need a community around us , we thrive off of each other’s advice, ups and downs, and friendship (from afar/and anonymously) ...
Today, I went to an ethnic festival. It was so hot and sticky but still nice. My husband said he was going for a drink, would I like something? I said yes, I’ll take a coke or other pop.... so he comes back with a pitcher of beer and a glass of water for me. He said he forgot what I wanted.
I wanted to scream, “do you know how hard I am working at being alcohol free? And you all glossy eyed at the site of the beer stand, come back with a pitcher of beer for you and your friend. And I am left to drink boring water. “ I really was mad; I didnt say anything to him. But I gotta say it hurts; I am on this journey at home completely alone.
Please let me vent one more time.... when I first told him seriously and sincerely that I was quitting back in July. I cried and poured out my heart about being an alcoholic. So, that evening , we go out to a nice dinner downtown, and he orders a glass of wine. Now, he asked me first if it would bother me. And I lied and said no. But in my heart, I was disappointed. I wished for some type of solidarity that evening.
Probably many of you might advise me to tell him how I feel. I have in the past and it’s no use. Sometimes we have to accept what is. But I felt the need to vent to my Sober squad.
Ok, I’m done. I hope I didnt sound like a brat. I probably did.
P.s.I wasnt tempted by the beer today at all. I’m totally committed to my new lifestyle.13 -
Aww, @RubyRed427, I'm so sorry. And by no stretch of the imagination are you sounding like a brat. I wouldn't presume to offer any advice at all, but the old (trite) truism that God doesn't give us more than we can handle comes to mind . . . because I would not be able to handle that with quiet grace. I'd probably have reacted in a most unproductive way and then regretted it. I'm glad the Sober Squad is here for such venting, and it's a positive thing that you weren't tempted by the beer. That is awesome. As you would say, xoxoxo3
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lorrainequiche59 wrote: »I texted my friend who had told me about "my contribution" accusation. And I posed the same question to her, "Why do I care SO much?" Anyway, she said this, "You take it personally because people in your life have managed to convince you that you ARE responsible for their screw ups, misfirings and general poor decisions. You aren't and never have been, but it takes things like this to realize they are looking to blame someone else rather than take responsibility for their own actions as GROWN ADULTS. 'So & So' is an expert at this or she wouldn't be going down this road for the SECOND TIME! You got this, girl!!"
Why I care SO much has just been revealed to me!! Made me bawl Cause she hit the nail on the head...I tend to forget about this aspect of my experience & sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders until someone or something reminds me that I can just let it go cause it isn't my responsibility.
This is a HUGE reason why I drank. To have a break from feeling that huge weight. Now I can just LET IT GO!!! In the words of another wise friend, "Now, you don't really have to worry about that now, do you Lorraine!!" NO I DO NOT!! Who needs therapy when I have friends like this LOL
Perhaps someone can relate to this. Especially if we grew up with an alcoholic, mentally ill or narcissistic parent OR combination of all 3....it does a number on us, doesn't it!!
Wow. We are similar with this. Yes I grew up in with rough home lives, yes lives. It was awful for the most part. I continued the chaos when grown, as someone recently told me, by drinking. Alcohol not only medicated me supposedly, it also kept the chaos going that I was used to. We are never too old to learn something. I am glad the person you have been speaking of is getting help. I hope this person gets serious about receiving it. There are those who drink again after the programs and those that don't. I drank when I got out of AA meetings in the early times of trying to quit and after awhile when I was done with addiction therapy sessions. If anyone out there does pray(please no offence if you don't), put this up to prayer and hopefully this is the last time for this person. Any one of us could be in their shoes.Thank you for sharing with us.4 -
salleewins wrote: »hopefully this is the last time for this person. Any one of us could be in their shoes.Thank you for sharing with us.
Hopefully this is the last time!! And, absolutely, this could have been any of us. I have really been wrestling with this in the several days since I heard about it. This has affected me on a very personal level because of what it triggered in me. I am SO thankful that I'm healing...it's difficult to process all of the different feelings this has unearthed for me, but it has unearthed them & I AM dealing with them without alcohol medicating the way.
The harder feelings like anger, sadness, disappointment etc don't get processed in a neat & tidy package in real life like they can appear on paper when we are reading about them. Sometimes we can feel like we're falling apart because of the intensity of what we may feel, but like Melody Beattie relates in one of her affirmation books, "Sometimes falling apart is how we get put back together!!"
As wacky as this may sound, I am grateful that I this person blamed me cause it helped me to dig a little deeper into myself & with the help of those who know me well, I have taken a couple more steps forward to some realizations that will help to heal my wounds. Who knows, perhaps one day this person will be on her way to healing her wounds too & I will be able to thank her instead of pointing a finger at her in blame for blaming me LOL. I am praying for more compassion because, really we're all wounded in some way. The blame game only keeps us stuck. SO, I'm working on thankfulness & compassion which has been defined as "your pain in my heart." I have a ways to go, but this is a start.
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RubyRed427 wrote: »You know I was thinking that our thread and other groups like AA really are a beautiful thing. A support group helps so much; otherwise willpower alone would be very difficult to sustain on your own. I’m sure some people have quit cold turkey and made it stick for years. But probably some of us need a community around us , we thrive off of each other’s advice, ups and downs, and friendship (from afar/and anonymously) ...
PLEASE continue to be vulnerable enough to share whatever your heart desires in this space. This is OUR space & we can't help each other if we keep things bottled...I'd like to share another Melanie Beattie blurb about vulnerablity...it begins with an anonymous quote, "I've learned the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the more in control of myself I really am." In part she then adds, "....We believe the face we have to show to the world should always be one of politeness, perfection, calm, strength & control...allowing ourselves to be vulnerable will help us build lasting relationships. Sharing our vulnerabilities helps us to feel close to people and helps others feel close to us. It helps us to grow in self-love & self-acceptance. It helps us become healing agents. It helps us to become whole & accessible to others." then she qualifies by including, "when it is safe & acceptable to do so."
THIS is our safe space 3 -
@rubyred427 I wont presume to understand your relationship, but I would like to recount something I had to learn to accept. We got married I was 26 and drinking and didn't stop till I was 60 and during that time my wife never didn't get into a car with me, never chastised me at family gatherings for being and saying things inappropriately. Then I stopped drinking and my wife didn't and I fumed about her lack of understanding for me, till I thought of all the years she put up with me. Now that I am so firmly AF that I could be dropped into a tub of gin without opening my mouth my wife never drinks at home and limited in restaurants and on vacation.
This is your journey and your success is not shared and who knows some day he may take a page from your book and become AF or maybe not but either way you will be secure in how you have chosen to live your life. I am looking back after over 10 years, your journey is beginning, I had to learn how to react and interact with those around me and it took awhile. Don't let your efforts be undermined.
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Hi Everyone, I haven't commented because I have been very absorbed in other matters. Friday we attended a funeral for a friend that died unexpectedly in her 50's and leaves behind a 16 year old daughter. What a heartbreaking, awful experience. Yet Sunday, we attended a beautiful wedding for the daughter of another dear friend. These events deserved to be absorbed fully, not with the edges sanded off by alcohol that does that to ALL things, painful, happy, and everything in between. Sobriety offers us the chance to live life fully, experiencing all things, not in a fog. Wishing you all a very happy, sober September. 7
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@JenT304 That is heartbreaking. You’ve done very well coping on your own terms without alcohol. Funerals are a sad reminder how we better embrace every second of our lives and truly live. Xo3
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@rubyred427 you will be secure in how you have chosen to live your life. I am looking back after over 10 years, your journey is beginning, I had to learn how to react and interact with those around me and it took awhile. Don't let your efforts be undermined.
Thank you for the wise words. Yes I am just beginning; I have developed a healthy fear of ever putting alcohol in my mouth again. I cringe thinking about it, because of all the sweat and tears I’ve spend these last 43 days- for me, it was an emotional roller coaster quitting. But as my therapist said, don’t romanticize your drinking days, because after awhile they always ended badly.2 -
lorrainequiche59 wrote: »RubyRed427 wrote: »You know I was thinking that our thread and other groups like AA really are a beautiful thing. A support group helps so much; otherwise willpower alone would be very difficult to sustain on your own. I’m sure some people have quit cold turkey and made it stick for years. But probably some of us need a community around us , we thrive off of each other’s advice, ups and downs, and friendship (from afar/and anonymously) ...
PLEASE continue to be vulnerable enough to share whatever your heart desires in this space. This is OUR space & we can't help each other if we keep things bottled...I'd like to share another Melanie Beattie blurb about vulnerablity...it begins with an anonymous quote, "I've learned the more vulnerable I allow myself to be, the more in control of myself I really am." In part she then adds, "....We believe the face we have to show to the world should always be one of politeness, perfection, calm, strength & control...allowing ourselves to be vulnerable will help us build lasting relationships. Sharing our vulnerabilities helps us to feel close to people and helps others feel close to us. It helps us to grow in self-love & self-acceptance. It helps us become healing agents. It helps us to become whole & accessible to others." then she qualifies by including, "when it is safe & acceptable to do so."
THIS is our safe space
This is OUR safe space. Thank God for you and the others. I like the quote you shared.Very meaningful to me.3 -
Aww, @RubyRed427, I'm so sorry. And by no stretch of the imagination are you sounding like a brat. I wouldn't presume to offer any advice at all, but the old (trite) truism that God doesn't give us more than we can handle comes to mind . . . because I would not be able to handle that with quiet grace. I'd probably have reacted in a most unproductive way and then regretted it. I'm glad the Sober Squad is here for such venting, and it's a positive thing that you weren't tempted by the beer. That is awesome. As you would say, xoxoxo
The old me would have probably sulked and let it fester.... and then exploded. But now the new me, knows to keep perspective and keep calm. This too shall pass. Thanks for your support! Xoxo 2 -
eriktherealviking wrote: »Just started a 4 month AF stretch today - last day December 31st.
Moderation is "easy" for me (its all relative) but the inner moron comes out every time I have a sip which leads to my inner fat man coming out when I raid the fridge. Reading this forum has inspired me to just quit altogether. Instead of going for a "forever" manifesto Ill start with what I know I will do. Jan 1st I will re-evaluate (but most probably re up for another year).
Thanks all for the support and being examples. Amazing people here.
(P.S. the inner fat man does make an appearance from time to time - without any liquid courage. But that's another challenge.)
You made me smile. Happy you are along for the ride! I plan on re upping too !2 -
Well, my first round at a big family weekend has come and gone, and no, I didn't drink! No problem, actually, but surprised by the coy little smiles of family members with beers in hand "gosh, I sure hope you don't feel tempted..." I'm disappointed by that kind of behavior, but meh... My family apparently also has a huge problem with over-eating and sugar and WOW. They all go together. Needless to say, I didn't have any alcohol, but oh boy am I ready for my swim tomorrow AM. My mid-section is uncomfortable. Ugh.5
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Walking home I pass the bottle shop.
Today I saw an elderly lady paying for her alcohol.
I checked my Nomo app and found out I have saved $1,233 since quitting on Jan 31.
($40 per week). 6 -
@Orphia that is amazing. Just think what you can do with all that money! Thanks for sharing.2
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@JenT304 I wish I could hug you in person
@Orphia WOO HOO!! Interestingly $40 was my guesstimate also for my weekly alcohol savings. $544.00 so far! You are an inspiration!
@joha5603 It feels really good to be in control eh? You never know what influence your sobriety may have on your family members. Sometimes it's the people we least expect that are paying attention.
Yesterday's Annie Grace Alcohol Experiment was about alcohol being a poison & how 80% of the population do NOT know that...not surprising though with all the marketing to convince us otherwise. It was also a good reminder of alcohol being an anesthetic & a few different countries that actually used it as an anesthetic in the 20's & 30's up until the 70's when it was banned because it was TOO toxic to the body. How it is a depressant & coming down produces anxiety, regret etc. And detoxing is even more toxic than drinking alcohol because of a chemical, Acetaldehyde, that our bodies produce to break down the alcohol. LOTS of good reminders of how it affects our body & brain. Annie also stressed the importance of social support in continuing to be AF...lots of ways to get that support with this site being one of them for me.
Today's (day 28) experiment was Annie videotaping herself as she consumed a bottle of wine after going 3 month AF...it was to show the effect as she mindfully relayed how she was feeling. It was her way of proving the true nature of intoxication & how it messes with our mind & body & is anything but glamorous!! It was quite interesting actually...but nothing I would want to do. I remember my experience quite vividly, no experiment necessary.
Hope everyone has a great AF day!5 -
I ran into my drinking best friend today. I knew she must have had a fun weekend because we used to go out on Labor Day weekend and drink and carry on. Anyway, I asked her what did she do. She said she went out on Friday night with a friend; she said it was a GREAT night. Then, she said, but I had a serious hangover on Saturday and just lied down all day.
Anyway, I was a little jealous for one second, like I missed the fun. BUT then, I remember the hangover part and I felt so relieved that I dodged a bullet. Instead my whole weekend was hangover free. Nice change from last year.12 -
@joha5603 I cant embrace after 90 days being AF drinking to see how it affects me. If I am at 3 months I wouldn't crawl back into that hole for an experiment.
@RubyRed427 I noticed the qualifier "drinking" best friend. You get to the point you cant build a friendship on drinking till you do things that could embarrass you the next day. while you suffer a splitting head ache. I still have friends that drink and as I said my wife drinks " some time" doesn't get drunk to have fun however. Eventually people treat you differently knowing you are AF, it shows a self control and self respect that you enjoy that the heavy drinker doesn't experience.
I don't really count days months or even years much anymore but it has just become the way I live and happily it isn't something I need to hang onto.7 -
Todays Sober School Video. https://thesoberschool.com/dont-let-your-excuses-hold-you-back/1
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I don't really count days months or even years much anymore but it has just become the way I live and happily it isn't something I need to hang onto.
I'm not really counting day to day that much either, although it's so early it's hard not to be aware of the number of days that have passed (36, but who's counting?). But as I posted earlier, I think, I've written down the dates of what will be days 50, 100, 150, 200, 250, 300, 350, and 365. If I didn't make note of those days, I wouldn't get the awesome prezzies I've promised myself!
After that, I imagine I'll just let the numbers go, but who knows. I do like prezzies.7
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