How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
Replies
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BasedGawd412 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
He doesn't respect nor value how you feel which is why he feels comfortable packing on the weight. He's ultra comfortable and feels that you aren't going anywhere.
If my SO packed on a significant amount of weight it wouldn't bother me much if that's the only thing they let go... if other things changed then it'd be a problem.
I would just be straight up and direct with them telling them that I don't find myself attracted to them with the significant weight gain.
I agree, I think its because he's too comfortable. I think when you stop trying in a relationship things start to go down hill. I'm not talking about gaining weight due to illness or getting older. Obviously looks and superficial things fade over time and thats fine but in a 3 year relationship in my 20s I want the attraction to be there and it still is. I'm just worried it will get out of control he gained alot of weight in a short amount of time and he binges on endless junk. I wouldnt expect him to be as strict as me but its worrying what he puts into his body. We moved in together 6 months ago and being around him more has made me much more aware of the problem he has with food. He never srpps eating and its never anything good.
Just curious, has your boyfriend put on weight while you have been living together?
Given your opinion that he just wants a trophy girlfriend, maybe he is just comfortable now that you are living together. Maybe, though, he finds living together very stressful and is managing it with food. That's not necessarily a reflection on you, given your age I'm assuming this is the first time you have both lived with a significant other. Maybe it's been a difficult adjustment for him.9 -
I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Your biggest problem is that you're not talking about your problem with the only other person who can do something about it ("other" because obviously you can do something about it, too).7 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.
Not yet. I was hoping to get some advice on how to approach the topic in a sensitive way. Not to be juged. Have you never discussed somthing with a friend or asked someone advice about an issue before you brought it up with yout spouse?
Considering that approximately 74% of the threads on this forum devolve into petty arguments, and this forum is actually better than most? No, I would literally never take relationship advice from strangers on an internet forum.
Asking people who know you, or know him, or even better who know both of you is a great idea.
Not knowing either one of you even remotely, it sounds to me like you are making a lot of assumptions about how he feels about how you look, about how he looks, and about what is causing his behavior. If you are committed to the relationship, this is something you do need to learn how to have an honest conversation about. Having different priorities and goals can be a big deal. If you feel disrespected, being able to voice that without judgement and find out if he really sees things that way is important. It's not always easy, but when you are still young is a great time to start to learn how to do that for yourself. He may be even more scared of talking about how he feels than you are, and is hiding it behind jokes and passive aggressiveness. Or he's just being a jerk. The sooner you can find out the better. Good luck
I wouldn't take the advice either unless I thought it was good. I just thought it would be interesting to have a conversation on the topic and hear other peoples stories.
If I had stories like this, I wouldn't be trotting them out to share with strangers on the Internet behind my partner's back.5 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?20 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
I like the irony of the comment itself.4 -
rheddmobile wrote: »I feel like this situation is ripe for a little teasing. If your boyfriend were an insecure ex-fat kid who has struggled with body image, that would be one thing, but it’s clear he’s overconfident in his appearance and secure enough to tease you with food and disrespect your lifestyle choices. Therefore the gloves come off, and he is asking to be teased in return. Next time he orders take-out, pinch his fat and say, “Bye bye Austin’s abs,” (I am pretending your boyfriend is named Austin), “I’m gonna miss you!”
Honestly, this sounds like one of those horrible relationships that make people forced to spend time with them uncomfortable as they watch the couple treating each other with constant disrespect.11 -
I feel like this thread is pretty much dead anyway, but to add my 2p worth, from the other side:
In the last year I've gained ~40lbs due to stress and depression and binge eating habits that I haven't got under control. I am so painfully aware of this, but I make jokes about it because nobody like the miserable fat girl. I also am not mentally up to working on it yet, so most nights for me end with a binge. My husband of a year (we're late 20s-mid 30s) sees all of this, and hasn't said a WORD out of turn to me. When I am sad about it around him he makes sure I know he loves me as I am, but if I want help and motivation getting fit and losing weight he will be with me every step of the way. I appreciate the hell out of this because being told you're too fat is the worst, and for me triggers worse binges.
Conversely, he has gained maybe 10lbs with me and in a very superficial way, yes I notice it. It doesn't put me off him a huge amount, but if it were 30-40 it might begin to. I haven't said anything to him because he is also acutely aware of it, and he wants to change it. He knows I will help him any way I can, when he's ready.
I think the important thing here is knowing what's going on in your boyfriend's head. What's causing him to gain the weight? Is he depressed, stressed, comfortable? Has he noticed he is gaining weight? Sometimes it can creep up on you.
Re the fast food, you mention you've only lived together for 6 months. Is it possible that he hasn't changed his eating habits, but now you live with him you are much more aware of them?
In terms of a solution, I'm sorry but this is where I'm not so good, my relationship is built on mutual understanding and I'm not really sure HOW we got to that, we're just lucky. I think you should bring it up with him, sensitively and from a position of concern for his health (mental and physical), not from a position of judgement of his appearance. Maybe say you've noticed him seeming to eat more fast food, is there anything stressing him out that you can help with? Find out the reason behind the weight gain, and then you can move forwards together. If he doesn't care about the gain and his appearance bothers you (and that's totally fine, attraction IS physical as well) then maybe gently try to explain that actually it does bother you, and give him the option to either improve his appearance for your sake, or walk away. Just be prepared for him to possibly not choose the path you would prefer, so make sure you're sure of your own thoughts.
TL;DR: Talk to him (nicely!) about whether there's something else going on. Ultimately accept this is his life and his choice, if it doesn't align with yours you may need to move on.
P.S. If he literally just wants you as a trophy girlfriend and doesn't care about your feelings, he sounds like a toolbag. Sorry.8 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
And you want to be with him because?4 -
...............
Here is my guess: you don't like your boyfriend very much as person. But you have in the past overlooked those personality characteristics because he was hot. Now that he is less hot, you are realizing that underneath there is not much that you like there. That's fine. If that is the case, you should drop him. And when you start looking again, try to make a choice focused more on personal and emotional connection, not physical attraction. Because the latter is fleeting, and you should be with someone that you like enough that you would like them even if they gained weight.
Insightful and well said
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.8 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
So, ask him which one it is.9 -
Actually the way trophy girlfriends usually work isn’t that the man holds himself to the same standards of maintaining his appearance - rather, he is held to a different standard having to do with income.
I’m not advocating that you live as a trophy girlfriend, just pointing out that holding everyone to the same standard in a relationship isn’t necessarily equable. Someone very attractive who holds themselves to a high standard as far as working out might understand that their loved one isn’t physically attractive or fit, but is a brilliant scientist, or a hard worker, or a loving father. Relationships should be about both people putting in the work, but it doesn’t have to be the same work. It just has to be work that causes you to love and respect him.
I’m hearing that you don’t respect his current behavior, and he certainly doesn’t seem to appreciate the hard work you put into maintaining your appearance. As you pointed out, you aren’t married. If you don’t want to be with this guy long term, now is the time to figure that out, before your lives become too entangled.10 -
My husband is one of those people who eats what he wants and stays slim and trim. If he started to put on weight, my reaction would be: 1. Worried. Could it be a sudden health issue?? 2. Snarky. HAHAHA. Now you know how I feel. LOL.9
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
Have you talked to him?4 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
You're in your 20s. Let's be real. Unless you're planning to get knocked up in the long run with him, this whole topic is trivial. You get fit and lean to become attractive. Pairing with similarly attractive mates is a goal. Once they're found, this back and forth occurs to match each other's preferences, like fitness and health habits, until you both start smashing exclusively on a consistent basis. He can relax now that he's attained a trophy if he's not worried about competing D coming your way, so to speak.
Guys can be obliviously dumb, even more so the younger they are. So you trying to rely on his self-awareness and intuition to maintain a standard of health and fitness, those odds are stacked against you. You're already noticing it and willingly withholding that information is just doing a disservice to yourself if you say you care. Tell him he's gonna start losing inches where it counts if he keeps gaining inches around his fupa. He wants a trophy girl, so let him know you want trophy d*ck. It will still ultimately be up to him to do something about it, but at least he'll know you're still willing to ride his face if he's willing to put in some sort of self-care.
If it's a no go, then go enjoy your 20s with people who match your style. You can lock yourself down in a long-term relationship later.6 -
So did you talk to him last night?2
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
I'm a bit confused on what it is you hope from us out of this thread... In your original post, you asked people their personal opinions of how they would would handle a situation of their partner gave a lot of weight. You didn't ask how to handle it in your particular relationship. Many of us gave you our opinions, usually based off of personal experience of having gone through this issue before in long and successful marriages. It doesn't seem like you agree with the conclusion we came to, which is to not care about your partners weight.
Each others looks and weight seem to be a very important part, likely the most important part, of your relationship with your boyfriend. That ultimately is your choice. You don't have to justify it to anyone. But likewise, we also don't have to endorse it or support it or think it is a good way to have a relationship, which seems to be what you are hoping for. And to be honest, I think you are using "health" concerns to cover for the physical attractiveness aspects of it. You are in your early 20s. With the exception of obesity, your nutrition really is not the end of the world and eating fast food or takeout does not mean someone is destroying their health or is lazy/doesn't care about themselves. You are welcome to have your own interest in eating nutritious foods and want to be in a relationship with someone with shared interests, but the projections you are putting on his character eating foods that you don't morally approve of aren't correct.21 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
This doesn't signal much other than his lifestyle changed dramatically and he hasn't adjusted his eating habits. Several athletes, military, and others with physically demanding jobs experience the same.
There's no harm in getting advice as long as this results in a conversation with him quickly afterwards. Otherwise our brains tend to think we've had these conversations with that person - leaving you angry and frustrated and the individual completely confused. Make sure you follow this up by talking to him.3 -
The year my now husband and I moved in together he gained 50lb and I gained just over 30lb. It’s what brought me to MFP. I never worried about his gain. I love him. He also never commented on my weight gain other than to be supportive of my efforts to lose it.
In the years since we have both gone up and down some. We support each other’s efforts to work out regularly and stay fit but don’t shame each other when we fluctuate.9
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