How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
Replies
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My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
I am not going to address the weight thing. I AM going to give you a real life example of what not to do.
My parents were married for 49 years and 10 months. They were miserable. I saw my Dad go from a nice man to an angry self loathing drunk. Why? Mom nit-picked his actions, words, and appearance. Once, many years after Dad passed away, Mom was once again listing all his faults. I asked her "Did you ever love him?". Her response: "I thought I could change him".
If your relationship is built on the other person living up to your expectations, it is not a truly loving relationship and you should look for someone else instead of trying to change the one you are with. The best couples I know have respect for each other and share similar core values and goals in life. With that solid foundation, they can outlast superficial changes.40 -
OP, it doesn't seem like the excess weight your partner has put on is necessarily the problem in your relationship. Rather, it is your unwillingness to communicate about what's important to you in a direct way. Off-handed comments are not going to work. Have a serious conversation if you want the relationship to work. Otherwise, move on.14
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If you truely love someone weight shouldnt matter I personally gained over 90 pounds in my relationship and my bf never made me feel bad about it. Still tells me im beautiful. I have lost 45 pounds since May, not for him but for my own health and wanting to feel confident again but at the end of the day he loved me no matter what size I was.
If you are concerned for his health maybe try to convince him to see a doctor have them explain the health risks of his lifestyle. No one will be able to get him to change his ways but him. He has to want it for himself.
Well, there is love, and then there is attraction. One can lose the attraction yet retain the love.22 -
kshama2001 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.
Yeah thats why I said AGAIN. because it happens alot.
I think what some of us who've spent time in long term kinda successful relationship are saying is that "You're getting take away again? That's so bad for you." may not be the most effective way to clarify your feelings or expectations.
One general route is something like "I'm concerned about your health, because I love you and hope we'll be happy together for decades to come. Is there something that's making it hard for you to eat nutritiously and stay at a healthy weight, so we have the best odds of a good life together? How can I help?"
Another general route is more like "Our relationship is still pretty new. I was very attracted to you when you were more buff and fit, but I feel like you're not as into health and good appearance now. That's not a positive thing for me. You've mentioned that you prefer thin, fit women. Frankly, I prefer thin, fit men. Is there a way we can work this out?"
Others can and will nit-pick the specific wording, but I think that's the gist.
To be brutal, to me, "Take away again?" is pretty naggy, and off the point. Who cares where the food comes from, or what a specific meal is? That's not the point. The point is either the health, or the attraction, or both. You're talking to him about the symptoms, at best.
Initially, you asked about what we would do in our relationships if our partner gained weight. My husband was attracted to me because I was slim and had an attractive body, and I like his lanky, gracefully loose-jointed leanness, broad shoulders and narrow hips. We were in our 20s. Not my first relationship, nor his.
As time moved on, we learned to appreciate each other's intelligence, share a sense of humor, and recognize that we had similar backgrounds and values. We got married. I got fat, he stayed thin. I lost a bit, then regained; he got fitter and thinner again. Sex life increased and decreased. We stayed together, felt there was enough in it, it seems.
About 20 years ago, he got esophageal cancer at age 45, went through extreme physical depletion, needed intensive care (from me) as the end neared, and died as I slept after comforting him in his last alert moments.
Your phase of life is not my phase of life. Your relationship is not my relationship, even though you asked about it. As generic advice, I recommend communicating honestly, and clearly. In your 20s is a good time to figure out what you really want and need, and find it. I don't know what that is, but you do, or can figure it out.
Best wishes. :flowerforyou:46 -
Well, if you have different core values, maybe it’s time to evaluate your relationship.4
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kshama2001 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.
Yeah thats why I said AGAIN. because it happens alot.
I think what some of us who've spent time in long term kinda successful relationship are saying is that "You're getting take away again? That's so bad for you." may not be the most effective way to clarify your feelings or expectations.
One general route is something like "I'm concerned about your health, because I love you and hope we'll be happy together for decades to come. Is there something that's making it hard for you to eat nutritiously and stay at a healthy weight, so we have the best odds of a good life together? How can I help?"
There's a decent chance that the bold phrase would solve the problem by scaring him off. (We've barely moved in together and now she's talking about decades?) Hmmm, just crossed my mind that maybe he knows the carryout and weight gain bothers her, and he's just hoping to be saved the trouble of being the bad guy and breaking up with her, by convincing her to break up with him ...9 -
It was our 44th wedding anniversary yesterday. I can remember back when we were first dating, my husband telling me that he didn’t want a relationship with a woman that wasn’t physically fit, or who was overweight. People grow up and mature. Some of us gain weight. We would have been divorced long ago if my husband would have stood by what he said years ago. Truly loving someone means unconditional acceptance in a relationship that lasts. If you can’t look beyond the shallowness of the physical, in my experience, your relationship won’t survive. We are so much more than appearance. Move on.11
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i love my husband regardless of weight. Just as he loves me regardless of weight.
Neither one of us are shallow, trite people.11 -
I would just tell him. My guess is he hasn’t prioritized health at this point as something else is very consuming. Hopefully it’s not your relationship.1
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@Dolly989 so, did you talk to him?5
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.
Yeah thats why I said AGAIN. because it happens alot.
I think what some of us who've spent time in long term kinda successful relationship are saying is that "You're getting take away again? That's so bad for you." may not be the most effective way to clarify your feelings or expectations.
One general route is something like "I'm concerned about your health, because I love you and hope we'll be happy together for decades to come. Is there something that's making it hard for you to eat nutritiously and stay at a healthy weight, so we have the best odds of a good life together? How can I help?"
There's a decent chance that the bold phrase would solve the problem by scaring him off. (We've barely moved in together and now she's talking about decades?) Hmmm, just crossed my mind that maybe he knows the carryout and weight gain bothers her, and he's just hoping to be saved the trouble of being the bad guy and breaking up with her, by convincing her to break up with him ...
I think she said they'd been together 3 years.0 -
Wow, if ever a thread made me want to grab popcorn and settle in for the drama it's this one. I never understand why people ask for advice then argue with the answers.....
For what it's worth I left my husband of 25 years because I lost weight. I got fit and healthy and he didn't. It wasn't about me finding him unattractive, it was because he turned into a paranoid, jealous, stalking psychopath as he feared that I was suddenly attractive to other men. To me that's just as shallow and insulting as the OP's boyfriend wanting a trophy wife.21 -
Besides the fact you brought this up here, rather than talking with him directly about it, you’ve argued with anyone whose advice didn’t cheer you on in your focus on physical appearance/attraction, and you’ve also ignored all of the direct questions from posters inquiring if you have yet communicated any of your feelings specifically and compassionately with him.
This leads me to think that you really aren’t that interested in receiving or applying advice from people who have been in relationships and may have a different opinion to you.
Since you don’t seem willing to try to understand if he’s going through something stressful that may be causing his weight gain, or if he’s just feeling comfortable in his relationship with you (which you seem to think is bad, I think it’s positive if that’s the case) I’m going to echo the advice that you probably should just break up. You don’t seem like you’re interested in a mature and deeper relationship that can handle ebbs and flows, highs and lows that are natural in a long term committed relationship.
You seem concerned that people find you shallow. I do find your comments here shallow, but don’t know enough about you to say whether that opinion would extend to you overall since all I have to base my opinion on are your comments here. I would rather be honest with you and direct in that message rather than ignore that fact since it seems important to you. And that’s why I would also suggest that you provide concrete and specific feedback to your partner, even though he may not like the opinion, as that’s what mature adults should do if they care at all about communication.22 -
Bedazzled35 wrote: »Wow, if ever a thread made me want to grab popcorn and settle in for the drama it's this one. I never understand why people ask for advice then argue with the answers.....
For what it's worth I left my husband of 25 years because I lost weight. I got fit and healthy and he didn't. It wasn't about me finding him unattractive, it was because he turned into a paranoid, jealous, stalking psychopath as he feared that I was suddenly attractive to other men. To me that's just as shallow and insulting as the OP's boyfriend wanting a trophy wife.
I kinda did the same as you - left my husband of 23 years last year. We both gained weight over the years, but he was always so down on himself. He never said anything to me, but couldn’t love himself so couldn’t love me. I craved any kind of attention at all, and for the last three years of the “marriage”, we lived liked roommates.8 -
My partner has put on around 45 lbs in the last year and a half. It doesn't bother me at all. He eats foods that wouldn't be considered healthy and he eats big portions of it. I love him and care about his health. He is overweight, but isn't suffering health ailments. He likes his "junk foods", and that is fine with me. Our food being different or having different body types has never been an issue. It's just food, and I love him for who he is
The only time it would become a problem is if it's hindering his quality of life. 4 -
OP, you can only do you. How do you think you would feel if you found out he was discussing you on an Internet forum?
Communication is key in any worthwhile relationship.
Why stay in an adult relationship when you clearly aren’t attracted to your partner?6 -
I feel like your particular situation seems like a two-way street issue. You seem to be slightly critical of his physical appearance, but he also seems to be slightly critical of your Fitness aspirations. Well I would say that if you love somebody their physical appearance should play some but not entirely all of a part of it. However that being said it doesn't really seem fair of him to criticize you for your Fitness. It doesn't matter what either of you look like, if you're looking for true love, that person shouldn't be critical of you doing something positive for yourself1
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cuteangelkitten wrote: »My partner has put on around 45 lbs in the last year and a half. It doesn't bother me at all. He eats foods that wouldn't be considered healthy and he eats big portions of it. I love him and care about his health. He is overweight, but isn't suffering health ailments. He likes his "junk foods", and that is fine with me. Our food being different or having different body types has never been an issue. It's just food, and I love him for who he is The only time it would become a problem is if it's hindering his quality of life.
Perhaps your partner is close to the very young age you mentioned you are previously and is still growing? If not, I find this very troubling.5 -
Hoping to hear an update. I am one of the few that think you should bring it up if it effects you. Why not? He communicates to you what he thinks, it should be mutual.
Also, you’re definitely not shallow, and everything you said made sense to me. Not sure why there was so much push back on this thread, but I’m guessing it’s because they’re relating their personal experiences which are completely different than your own.3 -
These "my partner has gained weight" threads are always devisive, with about 55% in the "if you truely love them" and 45% in the "you can't help who you are attracted / not attracted to" camps.2
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These "my partner has gained weight" threads are always devisive, with about 55% in the "if you truely love them" and 45% in the "you can't help who you are attracted / not attracted to" camps.
I’m seeing that too, you’re right.
Empethetic communication shouldn’t be a bad thing in a relationship, especially if it’s to the point it’s causing someone concern. If anything that expresses care. It highly depends on the couple and circumstances I feel.
There is a gray area amidst all this black and white.2 -
I could talk to my husband about anything and everything. After he died, I realized that I had entrusted him with things that I had never even shared with family.
I will never have a relationship with a man that I can't have complete transparency with.10 -
I don’t know how serious you are about this relationship. Do you see him as the one? If he is, and your reason for talking to him is because you are concerned about his health. Then YES, by all means, have a gentle talk with him. If it is just a “contest” of, I go to the gym and eat well and you don’t...then I think that’s YOUR problem
and not his. You’ve got to decide which is more important to you, this relationship or maybe moving on.
I believe there are certain expectations we are allowed to have about our partner and how they live, because our lives are completely intertwined.
But I’m in a great relationship for 40 years. I’ve went up and down 30 lbs, and he’s been up and down 50lbs. We love each other any size.
If you ever decide on a life partner, make it someone that you’d still love if their face got burned off.
By the way, my advice isn’t “old folks” advice. I met this man when I was a young, thin, beautiful 19 year old.6 -
Are you concerned for his health? Then talk to him about it. Obviously only he can change, but there is a level of denial happening when someone is gaining weight and maybe that's happening with him and he's just not seeing what you're seeing. He knows he's gained some but doesn't see it as a huge deal and by the sounds of it, it will be down the road if he doesn't start taking care of himself.
I mean... just whatever you reason, you should be able to talk to him about it.
It doesn't matter what HE would do if you gained weight. B/c that's not the situation you're having.
He is gaining and you're concerned? not attracted anymore? whatever.
If he's someone you were wanting to stay with... you're going to have to speak up. It's not going to be a nice conversation but not all of them are sometimes.2 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »kshama2001 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.
Yeah thats why I said AGAIN. because it happens alot.
I think what some of us who've spent time in long term kinda successful relationship are saying is that "You're getting take away again? That's so bad for you." may not be the most effective way to clarify your feelings or expectations.
One general route is something like "I'm concerned about your health, because I love you and hope we'll be happy together for decades to come. Is there something that's making it hard for you to eat nutritiously and stay at a healthy weight, so we have the best odds of a good life together? How can I help?"
There's a decent chance that the bold phrase would solve the problem by scaring him off. (We've barely moved in together and now she's talking about decades?) Hmmm, just crossed my mind that maybe he knows the carryout and weight gain bothers her, and he's just hoping to be saved the trouble of being the bad guy and breaking up with her, by convincing her to break up with him ...
I think she said they'd been together 3 years.
In a relationship, yes, but not living together. And she's said they're both in their 20s. It's not uncommon for people in their 20s to move in together without seeing it as a prelude to marriage.
The OP said,I agree, I think its because he's too comfortable. I think when you stop trying in a relationship things start to go down hill. I'm not talking about gaining weight due to illness or getting older. Obviously looks and superficial things fade over time and thats fine but in a 3 year relationship in my 20s I want the attraction to be there and it still is. I'm just worried it will get out of control he gained alot of weight in a short amount of time and he binges on endless junk. I wouldnt expect him to be as strict as me but its worrying what he puts into his body. We moved in together 6 months ago and being around him more has made me much more aware of the problem he has with food. He never srpps eating and its never anything good.2 -
msalicia07 wrote: »Hoping to hear an update. I am one of the few that think you should bring it up if it effects you. Why not? He communicates to you what he thinks, it should be mutual.
Also, you’re definitely not shallow, and everything you said made sense to me. Not sure why there was so much push back on this thread, but I’m guessing it’s because they’re relating their personal experiences which are completely different than your own.
I'm pushing back not because of her issue, but because of the way she is (not) handling it.7 -
msalicia07 wrote: »Hoping to hear an update. I am one of the few that think you should bring it up if it effects you. Why not? He communicates to you what he thinks, it should be mutual.
Also, you’re definitely not shallow, and everything you said made sense to me. Not sure why there was so much push back on this thread, but I’m guessing it’s because they’re relating their personal experiences which are completely different than your own.
So are we... I doubt we will get one. 🤷🏼♀️4 -
My husband gained a bit of weight (maybe 6kg) last year or the year before, I don't remember, and it was just portion creep/less exercise. I didn't mind but I did comment on it just because in 15 years of marriage it was the first time I noticed his body changing in any way. He very slightly altered his portions and was back to how he'd looked before in a couple of months, and I never asked him to do it--if he'd said he wanted to say the previous weight I'd have been fine with it. In his case he hadn't noticed.
This year he took up running and now he's the slimmest he's been since we were 16 year olds, maybe down 11 kg from his highest. It's all on him. I like how he looks now, though. We're both probably the fittest we've ever been.4 -
Just because she didn’t post it here doesn’t mean she hasnt dealt with it. She’s not obligated to give us an update either. 💁♀️
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