How would you feel about your partners weight gain?

My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.

How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?

Replies

SarahAnne3958

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

SuzySunshine99

I think that whether or not you approach this with him depends on your motivation.

Are you genuinely concerned about his health and well-being because you care about him? Then, yes, I think it's appropriate to go to him with those concerns.

But, if you are just not liking the way he looks, or are motivated by bitterness that he eats "junk" food in front of you, or annoyed that he's not into your "strict" way of eating, then no, I don't think you should talk to him about it.

Dolly989

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

JenSD6

When my husband starts putting on weight, it means there's something else going on. Usually it's because his job is taking it's toll again and he's stress eating (and not sleeping), which leads to the comfort-eating spiral because he's unhappy with his weight and health as well. Tackling the underlying issues gets him back on track of caring for himself.

CSARdiver

Is it as simple as him not understanding CICO? Was he very active before and recently stopped being active? How serious are you two and what long term commitments have you discussed if any?

Regardless of this any comment made to anyone has to be firmly rooted in love. You have to have a serious intimate relationship with this person and they have to respect you as a qualified source. There also has to be some manner of shared experience, so if you gained and lost weight this certainly helps.

I'm not sure what I would say specifically, but would approach it by trying to see what's wrong and go from there.

Pamela_Sue

Hmmm. I suppose one aspect could be what are you looking for in a partner? I am much, MUCH older than you, but single. I have been working hard on weight loss and fitness, for health reasons. IF I were to look for a partner, I would want someone who also had moderate health and fitness goals, because at my age, I would want both of us to stick around and be vibrant for as long as possible. I wouldn't expect a perfect physical specimen, because neither am I, and don't care if they carry some extra weight. My concern is daily movement and taking care of oneself through healthy lifestyle.

SO, what is important to you? Is it appearance only, or sharing an interest in a healthy lifestyle? Common interests are important in a relationship, and for you, that might include sharing your daily living and health journey with a partner. Only you can answer that question.

RealWorldStrengthLLC

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

You're getting some flak for this so I'm gonna back you up. You have every right to say something about all of it.

corysmithsmail

I use to be obese and lost about 120lbs. I live a certain lifestyle now where I am more active and pay attention to what I eat, how much I move, etc. I want to find someone that is going to want to do more than go eat somewhere. I want to find someone who takes care of themselves just as much or better than I do. Now with that being said....if I was already in a relationship with someone and he started gaining weight, I would talk to him about it in a caring and respectful way. But if I really cared for him I wouldn't just be like "sorry dude, you're too fat for me." If that's the only problem in your relationship, then that sounds pretty good to me.

sammidelvecchio

My vote is to not say anything unless he asks your opinion. People change throughout relationships, and if you want this to be long-term, you're both going to change a lot over the years.

However, if he is really trying to tempt you with food he knows you're trying to avoid, that would bother me and I would address it immediately. But keep the weight gain out of it.

fitoverfortymom

Weight is a really personal thing. I love my husband and we have both struggled with out weights over the years. We are both keenly aware of the risks from being overweight and out of shape. However, a person's relationship with food and their weight is very personal. I choose to support my husband no matter where he is with his dedication to healthy diet and fitness. Sometimes we are in similar places and sometimes it seems world's apart. At the end of the day, I am committed as his spouse and support him in whatever way he wants me to support him.

CSARdiver

One of the best debate threads on this - 68 pages of gold within:

https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10538818/should-your-s-o-spouse-have-a-say-so-if-they-feel-you-are-too-thin-or-too-large#latest

steveko89

Not as long as others, but my wife and I have been married for 6.5 years (together for 10 total, friends since '03). I recall having a conversation while engaged about setting the expectation that we'd keep each other accountable for staying at a healthy weight (both for longevity and to stay attractive for one another). It's never been a serious issue for us but we're open with each other about how we're feeling ourselves, if we need to make changes to our routines to accommodate certain goals/activities and support each other in said goals.

kshama2001

Dolly989 wrote: »

My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.

How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?

You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"

"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.

I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.

RealWorldStrengthLLC

steveko89 wrote: »

Not as long as others, but my wife and I have been married for 6.5 years (together for 10 total, friends since '03). I recall having a conversation while engaged about setting the expectation that we'd keep each other accountable for staying at a healthy weight (both for longevity and to stay attractive for one another). It's never been a serious issue for us but we're open with each other about how we're feeling ourselves, if we need to make changes to our routines to accommodate certain goals/activities and support each other in said goals.

This:
If you're genuinely losing attraction because of his physical appearance (and also because his unhealthy habits aren't attractive to you and don't mesh with your lifestyle) then that is nothing to be ashamed of. It needs to be said, hurt feelings or not. Don't swallow your emotions to protect his

craigeruhl

He should not try tempting you(thats bad, he should be supporting your decision) . You should talk about that right away. If you have issues with his gains you need to let him know as well. If him gaining weight makes you not attracted to him, you should let him know, for the sake pf having a healthy relationship. You should for real not try subtleties, a lot of us guys dont get them, and appreciate when a women actually tells us whats on their mind or what she wants.

kshama2001

craigeruhl wrote: »

He should not try tempting you(thats bad, he should be supporting your decision) . You should talk about that right away. If you have issues with his gains you need to let him know as well. If him gaining weight makes you not attracted to him, you should let him know, for the sake pf having a healthy relationship. You should for real not try subtleties, a lot of us guys dont get them, and appreciate when a women actually tells us whats on their mind or what she wants.

Yes, I've observed this with girlfriends from Georgia - they are so worried about being nice that the message they are trying to deliver is completely lost on men.

"Nice" and "clear" aren't mutually exclusive, but some need to work at it.

cbihatt

Pamela_Sue wrote: »

Hmmm. I suppose one aspect could be what are you looking for in a partner? I am much, MUCH older than you, but single. I have been working hard on weight loss and fitness, for health reasons. IF I were to look for a partner, I would want someone who also had moderate health and fitness goals, because at my age, I would want both of us to stick around and be vibrant for as long as possible. I wouldn't expect a perfect physical specimen, because neither am I, and don't care if they carry some extra weight. My concern is daily movement and taking care of oneself through healthy lifestyle.

SO, what is important to you? Is it appearance only, or sharing an interest in a healthy lifestyle? Common interests are important in a relationship, and for you, that might include sharing your daily living and health journey with a partner. Only you can answer that question.

I think this is so true. Start with figuring out what you want/need. Let him know about those wants/needs. If you both want the relationship to work, you may both need to compromise a bit. Maybe limiting the take away to a specific number per week, or relaxing on how strict you are about your own food choices a few days a week.

It’s ultimately up to you how you choose to handle the situation. But, I would make sure you are clear about what it is that’s bothering you, if you decide to start a conversation with him.

mariececilia10

It sounds like his eating habits aren’t actually a problem for you, and that you’ve got a good grip on your own diet and fitness. The problem seems to be that you suspect there is a double standard in your relationship, where you are willing to put up with his weight gain but fear he would not tolerate yours. I don’t know either of you, so your suspicion may or may not be correct. If I was dating a guy and I suspected he would have a problem with me gaining weight, I couldn’t be in a committed, long-term relationship with him, knowing that our connection hinged on my appearance.

Roza42

I would have to say there are a number of red flags. Tempting you with high calorie foods and talking about how he likes his women? Seriously, these could be control issues or self esteem issues on his end. I would think that it is time to have a serious talk with him about why he is bringing the foods in. Plus I second mariececilia10 that his focus on physical appearance is concerning.

lynn_glenmont

You're not required to be in a relationship with this person, no matter what the reasons for your not wanting to be (his lack of respect for your health goals, your feelings that he doesn't share your values about health, your lack of attraction for this heavier version of him), and you don't really do him any favors pretending that you do want to be if you don't.

And if there are things that are important to you that you can't have an honest conversation about, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.

collectingblues

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?

If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.

BasedGawd412

Dolly989 wrote: »

My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.

How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?

He doesn't respect nor value how you feel which is why he feels comfortable packing on the weight. He's ultra comfortable and feels that you aren't going anywhere.

If my SO packed on a significant amount of weight it wouldn't bother me much if that's the only thing they let go... if other things changed then it'd be a problem.

I would just be straight up and direct with them telling them that I don't find myself attracted to them with the significant weight gain.

nooshi713

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

You're getting some flak for this so I'm gonna back you up. You have every right to say something about all of it.

I agree. Attraction matters and there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who takes care of themself. Eating a bunch of junk food and letting himself go would be a turn off for me too especially if he was a hypocrite about it and cared a lot about how his woman looks.

RealWorldStrengthLLC

collectingblues wrote: »

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?

If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.

I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.

Call it superficial all you want, its not.

lynn_glenmont

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

collectingblues wrote: »

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?

If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.

I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.

Call it superficial all you want, its not.

It doesn't matter whether one views the reason as superficial. Barring someone so truly horrible that we all think there isn't enough bad stuff for the universe to dump on them, everyone, even the OP's boyfriend, deserves better than to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there.

collectingblues

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

collectingblues wrote: »

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?

If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.

I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.

Call it superficial all you want, its not.

If she doesn't find him attractive, then she can break up with him.

if she's not in this for love, and if that's what the boyfriend wants, then she should let him go.

nooshi713

collectingblues wrote: »

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?

If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.

He deserves better? How about she deserves better. Someone who cares about her enough to want to keep himself up, doesn’t purposely try to undermine her own health goals, and isn’t lazy.

A lot of times when someone lets themself go physically, it isn’t only the physical changes that can make someone lose attraction, but also their attitude and behaviors that go along with that. If you love someone, a few lbs probably shouldn’t be an issue especially if there is a good reason for it, injury, pregnant etc. A huge weight gain probably would be an issue for many and I understand why.

Btw, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your partner.

I have been on both sides of this btw. I had 2 exes that made a huge deal over my 5-10 lb weight gain. On the flip side, my first relationship, the guy gained about 50-60lbs and yes I lost attraction for him. He had other issues too though that made me lose attraction for him beyond the physical.

steveko89

youcantflexcardio wrote: »

collectingblues wrote: »

Dolly989 wrote: »

SarahAnne3958 wrote: »

I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.

I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.

Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.

I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.

Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?

If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.

I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.

Call it superficial all you want, its not.

I also disagree with the bolded. It's more than appearance, it's the capability to be an adult and take care of oneself and make decent decisions. On the contrary, if OP is willing to commit to a healthy lifestyle to maintain/improve her physique but her BF is like "nah, I'd rather be a fat slob" it is she who deserves better, not the BF.

steveko89

Dolly989 wrote: »

I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go.

I would also like to throw it out there that there shouldn't be any acceptable age to let oneself go.

o0kody0o

I’ve lost around 44lbs and my partner has gained quite a bit of weight. He’s well aware that he has gained weight and we’ve talked about it. He knows all the risks and he knows what he needs to do to lose weight. I’ve told him I’ll help him if he would like me to. We’re in this relationship together and we’re a team. (I’m also in my 20s like you). The fact that he has gained weight hasn’t changed our relationship or how I feel about him. As cheesy as it may sound to some, I’ll always love him the way he is.