How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
Replies
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I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
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I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.7 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
Exactly.
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Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Yes, it is pretty hypocritical... Sadly, there is a lot of that attitude out there. .... but only you can decide what you can and cannot live with.
Kudos to you for not being shallow. I have to say, I don't mind when my partner gains weight, which he has, but at the same time, he doesn't point out other's flaws and he is trying to get healthier too.
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Let my wife gain weight. idgaf. Food makes her happy and a happy wife is a happy life. We make fat jokes all the time. I call her my water buffalo
(shes 5'1 and prob 140lbs now. She was 95lbs when we got married)3 -
If you feel uncomfortable specifically talking to him about his weight gain, you could try framing a discussion around the kind of lifestyle you want. If you want this relationship to last longterm and you're somebody that enjoys cooking healthily and working out, it makes sense that you might like him to share those things with you. You could ask him if he'd be up for joining in more with your healthy lifestyle to make you feel closer and like he's taking an interest in your way of living. Maybe suggest taking it in turns to cook healthy meals, or going to the gym together. If he says no to that, it could then open up a conversation about the weight gain.
Aside from the issue of whether you find him attractive weighing more, having very different attitudes to healthy living might put strain on the relationship in the future. I think it's completely fair to talk about it, but I'd be careful about making the conversation immediately about his weight as you don't know how he's feeling about it already and he might feel attacked or unsupported.3 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Why would you choose to be with this guy?41 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
...and not the irony of the post itself?12 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
...and not the irony of the post itself?
Also that, yes.3 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Why exactly are you with him? You're making him sound like a tool.
For what it's worth, I don't think you're shallow at all for wanting to be attracted to your partner. But it doesn't sound like that's the issue here? It sounds like you think that there is a double standard, and the inequality of the situation is the real issue. Sit down and have a frank discussion about his newfound unhealthy lifestyle, be honest about what YOU want in a partner. You've mentioned many times what he's told you about his preferences, but have you told him what you're looking for in a partner?17 -
Wow, Ok, I didn't end up reading all the comments just skimmed after a while, but I want to give my 2c.
Ok, first, sorry but when you get attracted to someone it is not just for what's inside. At least not for me anyway. There's got to be an overall attraction for the other person too. Not necessarily does the person have to be beautiful or whatever, but there is some physical component to attraction too.
Thing is though, in this case it seems like the problem is not just him getting fat but him letting go of himself, which is not a good quality perhaps, in your eyes? Especially if there doesn't seem to be any reason for it? Like he's not depressed or anything?
I got depressed and put on weight and let go of myself post-partum. My mum and my husband both told me that I was fat and should exercise etc etc. I got really *kitten* and upset and ate even more. I didn't actually realise I was depressed though, and I don't know whether my mum realised it or not. The Husband saw that I was not myself but the WAY he told me to go out and exercise as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do made me super pissed off and even more depressed.
It was only when I realised there was something wrong with me and went to a counselor and started to work on my head that I started to come alive again and I started to lose weight and exercise and so on.
So - I think you need to tell him how you feel, especially as you guys are so young. He most likely won't like it - no-one likes to be told they are fat. But if you're unhappy with the situation, why should you be in it?
Oh yeah, and my husband has always said since I met him that he isn't attracted to fat girls too btw (yep, cue the "he's a tool comments") so I get that - but he looks after himself and maintains a physique that he is proud of. It would be quite hypocritical to say "I hate fat chicks" and be a fat bloke... And hey - i'm not attracted to fat guys, so does that make me a tool too? For preferring smaller guys? I like short guys. I don't like tall guys. I would not be AT ALL physically attracted to a tall fat guy. Give me a short relatively buff guy though and I'll be all happy days.
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I feel like this situation is ripe for a little teasing. If your boyfriend were an insecure ex-fat kid who has struggled with body image, that would be one thing, but it’s clear he’s overconfident in his appearance and secure enough to tease you with food and disrespect your lifestyle choices. Therefore the gloves come off, and he is asking to be teased in return. Next time he orders take-out, pinch his fat and say, “Bye bye Austin’s abs,” (I am pretending your boyfriend is named Austin), “I’m gonna miss you!”
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PS I ran the above tactic past my (slightly chubby and lazy but working out with me) husband, and he added that he would suggest you vocally admire fit guys while in his presence until he gets a clue. Not sure I agree, just passing it on.7
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Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Earlier you said you love and respect him, and also that you aren't insulting him.
Yet also you've now said he's shallow and hypocritical.
Something isn't adding up here @dolly989
You need to make up your mind on who this guy is to you. Because these things are mutually exclusive.
If you're just looking for someone to tell you to DTMFA, then I'm telling you now to drop it like it's hot.
If you're here because you want to both complain about your tool bag and argue with people that he's not a tool bag, stop wasting everyone's time.30 -
You've heard of "pick your battles." As a couple, decisions you make will affect each other and you will try to influence each other's choices. Is this something worth trying to influence his choice- especially a choice as personal and basic as what he chooses to eat. I don't know if you being "right" justifies you trying to influence or control such a basic, personal choice of his. Or that he "started it" by influencing your choice through compliments, comments, teasing, etc. How do his food choices/ weight affect you? What justifies one grown-up trying to influence the food choices of another grown-up? Also, may want to consider the manner you try to influence his choice if you decide to do so. (if attempted, being respectful as possible would be best.) It may be worth setting some boundaries like we won't make comments about each other's weight, food choices, or exercise habits.
For me personally, if my husband had a weight issue I would be worried about his health and if his fitness declined that would affect me in that he would be less able to help with our shared responsibilities. I may worry about it decreasing his life expectancy which would affect me. But I don't think I would choose to pick this battle. He's a grow-up, not lacking in knowledge of how to maintain or lose weight. He makes a lot of positive decisions that I appreciate. Furthermore, he has never made a comment about my weight which I greatly appreciate and has felt respectful to me. He has listened compassionately when I've discussed my struggles with weight gain and loss with him. I hope I would do the same for him if our places were reversed.7 -
I only read the first couple of comments and the last couple of comments on this, so I've missed 70 in the middle, but here are my thoughts:
My wife and I are in our early 30s, but started dating in our early 20s. When we first started dating, we were both pretty thin. I was around 165, and her around 135. We slowly put on weight while dating until we each gained about 70 pounds. We went from normal BMI to obese. We both knew we had gotten obese and that the other one had gotten oebse. We never said anything about it, except to support each other when one of us would make an effort to improve our weight loss. We are both on our weight loss journey now, so we talk more openly about it. But we would have never used the others weight to make each other feel bad.
And even at her heaviest, I will still incredibly attracted to my wife. I couldn't keep my hands off of her. Because my attraction the her was not purely physical (although physical was certainly a part of it), but emotional as well. Our attraction to each other went so much deeper than surface level. Each other's respective weight was the least important part of it.
Few people remain skinny their whole lives. Most of us gain and lose weight. We should all be with a partner who we will love as much durigg the heavy times as the leaner times. If we are all really lucky, we will meet someone who will we get to be with long enough to we are all just a pile of skin and bones needing our diapers changed. Ain't nothing sexy about that in the end, so a relationship needs to be based on so much more than physical.
Here is my guess: you don't like your boyfriend very much as person. But you have in the past overlooked those personality characteristics because he was hot. Now that he is less hot, you are realizing that underneath there is not much that you like there. That's fine. If that is the case, you should drop him. And when you start looking again, try to make a choice focused more on personal and emotional connection, not physical attraction. Because the latter is fleeting, and you should be with someone that you like enough that you would like them even if they gained weight.56 -
If I could rate 10 stars for the last two posts, I would, as someone who had to bathe my husband, put him on the commode, wipe him afterwards, clean his feeding tube and take care of any and all other physical or emotional needs he had while he battled ALS.
Pick your battles. Love each other.39 -
BasedGawd412 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
He doesn't respect nor value how you feel which is why he feels comfortable packing on the weight. He's ultra comfortable and feels that you aren't going anywhere.
If my SO packed on a significant amount of weight it wouldn't bother me much if that's the only thing they let go... if other things changed then it'd be a problem.
I would just be straight up and direct with them telling them that I don't find myself attracted to them with the significant weight gain.
I agree, I think its because he's too comfortable. I think when you stop trying in a relationship things start to go down hill. I'm not talking about gaining weight due to illness or getting older. Obviously looks and superficial things fade over time and thats fine but in a 3 year relationship in my 20s I want the attraction to be there and it still is. I'm just worried it will get out of control he gained alot of weight in a short amount of time and he binges on endless junk. I wouldnt expect him to be as strict as me but its worrying what he puts into his body. We moved in together 6 months ago and being around him more has made me much more aware of the problem he has with food. He never srpps eating and its never anything good.
Just curious, has your boyfriend put on weight while you have been living together?
Given your opinion that he just wants a trophy girlfriend, maybe he is just comfortable now that you are living together. Maybe, though, he finds living together very stressful and is managing it with food. That's not necessarily a reflection on you, given your age I'm assuming this is the first time you have both lived with a significant other. Maybe it's been a difficult adjustment for him.9 -
I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Your biggest problem is that you're not talking about your problem with the only other person who can do something about it ("other" because obviously you can do something about it, too).7 -
Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.
I'm not making fun of him or talking trash about him. I love and respect my boyfriend this is a fitness board and I thought it would be interesting to hear other peoples opinions or if they have ever had the same concerns on how they handle it.
Instead of communicating with him? Ok.
Not yet. I was hoping to get some advice on how to approach the topic in a sensitive way. Not to be juged. Have you never discussed somthing with a friend or asked someone advice about an issue before you brought it up with yout spouse?
Considering that approximately 74% of the threads on this forum devolve into petty arguments, and this forum is actually better than most? No, I would literally never take relationship advice from strangers on an internet forum.
Asking people who know you, or know him, or even better who know both of you is a great idea.
Not knowing either one of you even remotely, it sounds to me like you are making a lot of assumptions about how he feels about how you look, about how he looks, and about what is causing his behavior. If you are committed to the relationship, this is something you do need to learn how to have an honest conversation about. Having different priorities and goals can be a big deal. If you feel disrespected, being able to voice that without judgement and find out if he really sees things that way is important. It's not always easy, but when you are still young is a great time to start to learn how to do that for yourself. He may be even more scared of talking about how he feels than you are, and is hiding it behind jokes and passive aggressiveness. Or he's just being a jerk. The sooner you can find out the better. Good luck
I wouldn't take the advice either unless I thought it was good. I just thought it would be interesting to have a conversation on the topic and hear other peoples stories.
If I had stories like this, I wouldn't be trotting them out to share with strangers on the Internet behind my partner's back.5 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?20 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
I like the irony of the comment itself.4 -
rheddmobile wrote: »I feel like this situation is ripe for a little teasing. If your boyfriend were an insecure ex-fat kid who has struggled with body image, that would be one thing, but it’s clear he’s overconfident in his appearance and secure enough to tease you with food and disrespect your lifestyle choices. Therefore the gloves come off, and he is asking to be teased in return. Next time he orders take-out, pinch his fat and say, “Bye bye Austin’s abs,” (I am pretending your boyfriend is named Austin), “I’m gonna miss you!”
Honestly, this sounds like one of those horrible relationships that make people forced to spend time with them uncomfortable as they watch the couple treating each other with constant disrespect.11 -
I feel like this thread is pretty much dead anyway, but to add my 2p worth, from the other side:
In the last year I've gained ~40lbs due to stress and depression and binge eating habits that I haven't got under control. I am so painfully aware of this, but I make jokes about it because nobody like the miserable fat girl. I also am not mentally up to working on it yet, so most nights for me end with a binge. My husband of a year (we're late 20s-mid 30s) sees all of this, and hasn't said a WORD out of turn to me. When I am sad about it around him he makes sure I know he loves me as I am, but if I want help and motivation getting fit and losing weight he will be with me every step of the way. I appreciate the hell out of this because being told you're too fat is the worst, and for me triggers worse binges.
Conversely, he has gained maybe 10lbs with me and in a very superficial way, yes I notice it. It doesn't put me off him a huge amount, but if it were 30-40 it might begin to. I haven't said anything to him because he is also acutely aware of it, and he wants to change it. He knows I will help him any way I can, when he's ready.
I think the important thing here is knowing what's going on in your boyfriend's head. What's causing him to gain the weight? Is he depressed, stressed, comfortable? Has he noticed he is gaining weight? Sometimes it can creep up on you.
Re the fast food, you mention you've only lived together for 6 months. Is it possible that he hasn't changed his eating habits, but now you live with him you are much more aware of them?
In terms of a solution, I'm sorry but this is where I'm not so good, my relationship is built on mutual understanding and I'm not really sure HOW we got to that, we're just lucky. I think you should bring it up with him, sensitively and from a position of concern for his health (mental and physical), not from a position of judgement of his appearance. Maybe say you've noticed him seeming to eat more fast food, is there anything stressing him out that you can help with? Find out the reason behind the weight gain, and then you can move forwards together. If he doesn't care about the gain and his appearance bothers you (and that's totally fine, attraction IS physical as well) then maybe gently try to explain that actually it does bother you, and give him the option to either improve his appearance for your sake, or walk away. Just be prepared for him to possibly not choose the path you would prefer, so make sure you're sure of your own thoughts.
TL;DR: Talk to him (nicely!) about whether there's something else going on. Ultimately accept this is his life and his choice, if it doesn't align with yours you may need to move on.
P.S. If he literally just wants you as a trophy girlfriend and doesn't care about your feelings, he sounds like a toolbag. Sorry.8 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
And you want to be with him because?4 -
...............
Here is my guess: you don't like your boyfriend very much as person. But you have in the past overlooked those personality characteristics because he was hot. Now that he is less hot, you are realizing that underneath there is not much that you like there. That's fine. If that is the case, you should drop him. And when you start looking again, try to make a choice focused more on personal and emotional connection, not physical attraction. Because the latter is fleeting, and you should be with someone that you like enough that you would like them even if they gained weight.
Insightful and well said
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lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
Theres other things he likes about me other than my outside appearence. What i ment by 'trophy girlfriend' is that he goes for goodlooking girls. All his exes have been really pretty. He has high standards and told me he wouldn't be with a bigger woman. Hes not a tool hes a nice guy. He dosnt go around insulting people or fat shaming or making girls cry. He says it to me in private that he wouldnt be with larger women.... not like hes going around saying it to their faces. In my opinion theres nothing wrong with that everyone has a type. That dosn't make him a tool. I just think that if you want to be with someone that looks after themselves and appearence is important to you then you should be willing to put in the same effort. I understand that this is not important in every relationship but every relationship has different standards. You shouldn't expect from your partner what you're not willing to do yourself.
When I met him he was very active/into sports, ate clean. In a short amount of time he put on alot of weight. I still wouldn't consider him 'fat' I just don't like the road he's going down. At one point he was eating take away every night and eating plenty of junk through out the day and it shocks me that someone can treat their body like that. Somtimes I try to cook for him just so he can get somthing nourishing into him. Its more his lifestyle I don't find atttactive rather than his physical appearance. Because it shows lack of self control/laziness and they're not qualities I find attractive. Now I still find him atttactive but if he gained much more I probably wouldn't. I'm not a monster if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.8 -
lynn_glenmont wrote: »Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
So you're OK being the "trophy" girlfriend of a shallow hypocrite, so long as he stays fit?
if it was weight gain due to depression/medication/illness of course I would accept it and be supportive but gluttony is not somthing I can get behind.
So, ask him which one it is.9 -
Actually the way trophy girlfriends usually work isn’t that the man holds himself to the same standards of maintaining his appearance - rather, he is held to a different standard having to do with income.
I’m not advocating that you live as a trophy girlfriend, just pointing out that holding everyone to the same standard in a relationship isn’t necessarily equable. Someone very attractive who holds themselves to a high standard as far as working out might understand that their loved one isn’t physically attractive or fit, but is a brilliant scientist, or a hard worker, or a loving father. Relationships should be about both people putting in the work, but it doesn’t have to be the same work. It just has to be work that causes you to love and respect him.
I’m hearing that you don’t respect his current behavior, and he certainly doesn’t seem to appreciate the hard work you put into maintaining your appearance. As you pointed out, you aren’t married. If you don’t want to be with this guy long term, now is the time to figure that out, before your lives become too entangled.10
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