How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
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I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
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I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.7 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
Exactly.
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Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Yes, it is pretty hypocritical... Sadly, there is a lot of that attitude out there. .... but only you can decide what you can and cannot live with.
Kudos to you for not being shallow. I have to say, I don't mind when my partner gains weight, which he has, but at the same time, he doesn't point out other's flaws and he is trying to get healthier too.
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Let my wife gain weight. idgaf. Food makes her happy and a happy wife is a happy life. We make fat jokes all the time. I call her my water buffalo
(shes 5'1 and prob 140lbs now. She was 95lbs when we got married)3 -
If you feel uncomfortable specifically talking to him about his weight gain, you could try framing a discussion around the kind of lifestyle you want. If you want this relationship to last longterm and you're somebody that enjoys cooking healthily and working out, it makes sense that you might like him to share those things with you. You could ask him if he'd be up for joining in more with your healthy lifestyle to make you feel closer and like he's taking an interest in your way of living. Maybe suggest taking it in turns to cook healthy meals, or going to the gym together. If he says no to that, it could then open up a conversation about the weight gain.
Aside from the issue of whether you find him attractive weighing more, having very different attitudes to healthy living might put strain on the relationship in the future. I think it's completely fair to talk about it, but I'd be careful about making the conversation immediately about his weight as you don't know how he's feeling about it already and he might feel attacked or unsupported.3 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Why would you choose to be with this guy?41 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
...and not the irony of the post itself?12 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »I'm shocked at the amount of negative comments im getting. I get this is a sensitive subject and it probably affects some of you personally. But these are problems people have in relationships. I'm not shallow for thinking like this.
Sometimes people here are judgmental.
I have noticed this.
I like the irony of the dislike on this comment.
...and not the irony of the post itself?
Also that, yes.3 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Why exactly are you with him? You're making him sound like a tool.
For what it's worth, I don't think you're shallow at all for wanting to be attracted to your partner. But it doesn't sound like that's the issue here? It sounds like you think that there is a double standard, and the inequality of the situation is the real issue. Sit down and have a frank discussion about his newfound unhealthy lifestyle, be honest about what YOU want in a partner. You've mentioned many times what he's told you about his preferences, but have you told him what you're looking for in a partner?17 -
Wow, Ok, I didn't end up reading all the comments just skimmed after a while, but I want to give my 2c.
Ok, first, sorry but when you get attracted to someone it is not just for what's inside. At least not for me anyway. There's got to be an overall attraction for the other person too. Not necessarily does the person have to be beautiful or whatever, but there is some physical component to attraction too.
Thing is though, in this case it seems like the problem is not just him getting fat but him letting go of himself, which is not a good quality perhaps, in your eyes? Especially if there doesn't seem to be any reason for it? Like he's not depressed or anything?
I got depressed and put on weight and let go of myself post-partum. My mum and my husband both told me that I was fat and should exercise etc etc. I got really *kitten* and upset and ate even more. I didn't actually realise I was depressed though, and I don't know whether my mum realised it or not. The Husband saw that I was not myself but the WAY he told me to go out and exercise as if it was the easiest thing in the world to do made me super pissed off and even more depressed.
It was only when I realised there was something wrong with me and went to a counselor and started to work on my head that I started to come alive again and I started to lose weight and exercise and so on.
So - I think you need to tell him how you feel, especially as you guys are so young. He most likely won't like it - no-one likes to be told they are fat. But if you're unhappy with the situation, why should you be in it?
Oh yeah, and my husband has always said since I met him that he isn't attracted to fat girls too btw (yep, cue the "he's a tool comments") so I get that - but he looks after himself and maintains a physique that he is proud of. It would be quite hypocritical to say "I hate fat chicks" and be a fat bloke... And hey - i'm not attracted to fat guys, so does that make me a tool too? For preferring smaller guys? I like short guys. I don't like tall guys. I would not be AT ALL physically attracted to a tall fat guy. Give me a short relatively buff guy though and I'll be all happy days.
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kshama2001 wrote: »My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.
We don't know the context of the OP's statement. If he is rolling in with a couple Big Macs, an order of nuggets, large fries and the largest Coke available 4-5 time a week, the generic take away is bad for you is fine in that context.1 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
You're getting some flak for this so I'm gonna back you up. You have every right to say something about all of it.
I agree. Attraction matters and there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who takes care of themself. Eating a bunch of junk food and letting himself go would be a turn off for me too especially if he was a hypocrite about it and cared a lot about how his woman looks.
And just to add to your point, it's not just the attraction part of taking care of one's self. If one is going to be with their partner long term, they should want to take care of themselves so they won't burden the other with health issues that could have been prevented.
I contracted sepsis 6 years ago. I was fortunate in that I had good medical care and have not lasting effects from it. The medical professionals told me afterward that the fact that I was in decent shape saved my life and/or allowed me to get though without a heart attack, stroke, kidney issues, etc., etc. My wife had to help me with stuff 3-4 weeks after I got out of the hospital and I felt terrible she had to sacrifice for me. I can't imagine how I would have felt if the 3-4 weeks would have stretched into the rest of our lives together just because I chose not to take reasonable car of my health.8 -
Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
If the bolded is true you should have dumped his *kitten* yesterday. Why would anyone want to be in a lont term relationship where they were just arm candy (female or male) What would happen if, God forbid, you were in a disfiguring accident? Would he take off?21 -
I feel like this situation is ripe for a little teasing. If your boyfriend were an insecure ex-fat kid who has struggled with body image, that would be one thing, but it’s clear he’s overconfident in his appearance and secure enough to tease you with food and disrespect your lifestyle choices. Therefore the gloves come off, and he is asking to be teased in return. Next time he orders take-out, pinch his fat and say, “Bye bye Austin’s abs,” (I am pretending your boyfriend is named Austin), “I’m gonna miss you!”
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PS I ran the above tactic past my (slightly chubby and lazy but working out with me) husband, and he added that he would suggest you vocally admire fit guys while in his presence until he gets a clue. Not sure I agree, just passing it on.7
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Well actually he told me dosn't like fat girls. He would make fun of girls who would share quotes on the internet like "real men love curves". He's quite a shallow guy. He wants a 'trophy' girlfriend. Thats why it feels like a double standard.
Earlier you said you love and respect him, and also that you aren't insulting him.
Yet also you've now said he's shallow and hypocritical.
Something isn't adding up here @dolly989
You need to make up your mind on who this guy is to you. Because these things are mutually exclusive.
If you're just looking for someone to tell you to DTMFA, then I'm telling you now to drop it like it's hot.
If you're here because you want to both complain about your tool bag and argue with people that he's not a tool bag, stop wasting everyone's time.30 -
You've heard of "pick your battles." As a couple, decisions you make will affect each other and you will try to influence each other's choices. Is this something worth trying to influence his choice- especially a choice as personal and basic as what he chooses to eat. I don't know if you being "right" justifies you trying to influence or control such a basic, personal choice of his. Or that he "started it" by influencing your choice through compliments, comments, teasing, etc. How do his food choices/ weight affect you? What justifies one grown-up trying to influence the food choices of another grown-up? Also, may want to consider the manner you try to influence his choice if you decide to do so. (if attempted, being respectful as possible would be best.) It may be worth setting some boundaries like we won't make comments about each other's weight, food choices, or exercise habits.
For me personally, if my husband had a weight issue I would be worried about his health and if his fitness declined that would affect me in that he would be less able to help with our shared responsibilities. I may worry about it decreasing his life expectancy which would affect me. But I don't think I would choose to pick this battle. He's a grow-up, not lacking in knowledge of how to maintain or lose weight. He makes a lot of positive decisions that I appreciate. Furthermore, he has never made a comment about my weight which I greatly appreciate and has felt respectful to me. He has listened compassionately when I've discussed my struggles with weight gain and loss with him. I hope I would do the same for him if our places were reversed.7 -
I only read the first couple of comments and the last couple of comments on this, so I've missed 70 in the middle, but here are my thoughts:
My wife and I are in our early 30s, but started dating in our early 20s. When we first started dating, we were both pretty thin. I was around 165, and her around 135. We slowly put on weight while dating until we each gained about 70 pounds. We went from normal BMI to obese. We both knew we had gotten obese and that the other one had gotten oebse. We never said anything about it, except to support each other when one of us would make an effort to improve our weight loss. We are both on our weight loss journey now, so we talk more openly about it. But we would have never used the others weight to make each other feel bad.
And even at her heaviest, I will still incredibly attracted to my wife. I couldn't keep my hands off of her. Because my attraction the her was not purely physical (although physical was certainly a part of it), but emotional as well. Our attraction to each other went so much deeper than surface level. Each other's respective weight was the least important part of it.
Few people remain skinny their whole lives. Most of us gain and lose weight. We should all be with a partner who we will love as much durigg the heavy times as the leaner times. If we are all really lucky, we will meet someone who will we get to be with long enough to we are all just a pile of skin and bones needing our diapers changed. Ain't nothing sexy about that in the end, so a relationship needs to be based on so much more than physical.
Here is my guess: you don't like your boyfriend very much as person. But you have in the past overlooked those personality characteristics because he was hot. Now that he is less hot, you are realizing that underneath there is not much that you like there. That's fine. If that is the case, you should drop him. And when you start looking again, try to make a choice focused more on personal and emotional connection, not physical attraction. Because the latter is fleeting, and you should be with someone that you like enough that you would like them even if they gained weight.56 -
If I could rate 10 stars for the last two posts, I would, as someone who had to bathe my husband, put him on the commode, wipe him afterwards, clean his feeding tube and take care of any and all other physical or emotional needs he had while he battled ALS.
Pick your battles. Love each other.39
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