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How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
Replies
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SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?
If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.25 -
My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
He doesn't respect nor value how you feel which is why he feels comfortable packing on the weight. He's ultra comfortable and feels that you aren't going anywhere.
If my SO packed on a significant amount of weight it wouldn't bother me much if that's the only thing they let go... if other things changed then it'd be a problem.
I would just be straight up and direct with them telling them that I don't find myself attracted to them with the significant weight gain.
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youcantflexcardio wrote: »SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
You're getting some flak for this so I'm gonna back you up. You have every right to say something about all of it.
I agree. Attraction matters and there is nothing wrong with wanting a partner who takes care of themself. Eating a bunch of junk food and letting himself go would be a turn off for me too especially if he was a hypocrite about it and cared a lot about how his woman looks.
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collectingblues wrote: »SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?
If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.
I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.
Call it superficial all you want, its not.
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youcantflexcardio wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?
If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.
I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.
Call it superficial all you want, its not.
It doesn't matter whether one views the reason as superficial. Barring someone so truly horrible that we all think there isn't enough bad stuff for the universe to dump on them, everyone, even the OP's boyfriend, deserves better than to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be there.19 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?
If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.
I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.
Call it superficial all you want, its not.
If she doesn't find him attractive, then she can break up with him.
if she's not in this for love, and if that's what the boyfriend wants, then she should let him go.13 -
collectingblues wrote: »SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?
If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.
He deserves better? How about she deserves better. Someone who cares about her enough to want to keep himself up, doesn’t purposely try to undermine her own health goals, and isn’t lazy.
A lot of times when someone lets themself go physically, it isn’t only the physical changes that can make someone lose attraction, but also their attitude and behaviors that go along with that. If you love someone, a few lbs probably shouldn’t be an issue especially if there is a good reason for it, injury, pregnant etc. A huge weight gain probably would be an issue for many and I understand why.
Btw, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be attracted to your partner.
I have been on both sides of this btw. I had 2 exes that made a huge deal over my 5-10 lb weight gain. On the flip side, my first relationship, the guy gained about 50-60lbs and yes I lost attraction for him. He had other issues too though that made me lose attraction for him beyond the physical.
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youcantflexcardio wrote: »collectingblues wrote: »SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
Well, do you want to be in a relationship with him or not?
If your feelings toward him have changed simply because he's gained weight, do him a favor and break up with him. He deserves better.
I completely disagree with this. You can't fault her for her attraction/non attraction to a person. Attraction happens on a subconscious level.
Call it superficial all you want, its not.
I also disagree with the bolded. It's more than appearance, it's the capability to be an adult and take care of oneself and make decent decisions. On the contrary, if OP is willing to commit to a healthy lifestyle to maintain/improve her physique but her BF is like "nah, I'd rather be a fat slob" it is she who deserves better, not the BF.12 -
I’ve lost around 44lbs and my partner has gained quite a bit of weight. He’s well aware that he has gained weight and we’ve talked about it. He knows all the risks and he knows what he needs to do to lose weight. I’ve told him I’ll help him if he would like me to. We’re in this relationship together and we’re a team. (I’m also in my 20s like you). The fact that he has gained weight hasn’t changed our relationship or how I feel about him. As cheesy as it may sound to some, I’ll always love him the way he is.21
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Most of my life I was obese. I finally lost 100 lbs and my husband has gained probably about 50. He never ever made me feel bad for being big and I will never ever make him feel bad. I love him and although I worry about his health he is well aware of the fact he's carrying too much. It's his business. We've been married 45 years. I have started cooking smaller quantities of food though and am trying to lower the fat content for him. The rest is up to him.27
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Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.13
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Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
This is hypocritical on his part. Good for you for taking care of yourself for YOU first. Your concerns about his health and lack of interest in taking care of himself are valid. It will be a tough conversation but you may need to start discussing this with him.8 -
Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.14 -
youcantflexcardio wrote: »Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
You need to say exactly this to him, not to a bunch of strangers on some food tracking app/fitness forum.
QFT! I cannot imagine going on a public board and saying these things about my spouse/partner.16 -
Attraction is important in a relationship. Especially in your 20s. For me his lack of caring about himself is him not caring what I think anymore. Its like he feels so comfortable that he dosnt have to try. I keep myself fit and healthy for myself but also because I want him to feel attracted to me to. Like I said before he already told me he likes his women thin and fit. So im guessing he wouldnt like if I start piling on the pounds and binge eating.
OK, but did you tell him you like your men thin and fit?
It's not a double standard to be attracted to people who don't look the same as you. He made his preferences clear, so you do the same.
As for me, my husband loved me when I weighed 170 pounds, and loved me when I weighed 300 pounds, and I loved him through his thin and thick stages, because love is love and attraction is as much mental as physical.
But this doesn't sound like a clash of attraction.
Most people think a partner's weight is the issue when it isn't, it's just a trigger for noticing the real issues. Here you have: mismatched values, and his disrespect for your way of life and values.
And if he's disrespectful and your values and his don't match, maybe consider moving on.24 -
I didn't marry my husband for his body. He didn't marry me for mine.
When I gained 60 pounds in 3 months due to idiopathic edema and was so depressed over it, he put his hand on my heart and reminded me that that was what he fell in love with.
I would not give up on my partner due to weight gain or loss but I certainly would want to know what triggered it, be it emotional or physical.22 -
Not unlike me - my husband has had weight ups & downs over the years. He is currently up - and it affects him daily. He does not sleep well at night so is sluggish during the day. He has aches & pains that would improve with weight loss. I can say this from a 3rd party perspective - but he knows it also as the aches & pains have improved in the past with weight loss.
But its not for me to tell him. He knows. Its for him to do on his own. He knows I support him, no matter what. He knows I am back to working on improving my health & fitness, and would help him if & when he is ready. Such as I tend to make dinner and make notes for myself about what goes on my plate. When he is tracking and making the effort to be at a deficit, he gets bigger portions (than me) but I also make notes so he can log. But he has to let me know that is what he wants. I don't monitor his food in general.4 -
SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
I'm stunned by the first comment. I shouldn't be but I am.
You seem to assume a lot about how he would react. Do you two ever talk?14 -
Comparison is the thief of joy, but there's tremendous growth and learning potential in comparing who you were yesterday to who you are today. Continuous improvement is a key component to life.
Happily married for 13 years and I've learned that there's a great deal of personal responsibility one must attend to in any successful relationship, but critical to marriage. The ideal state is where you both motivate one another to realize your better selves.
I very seriously doubt he sees this as lack of caring about himself or not caring about what you think. This is rooted in communication failure. You both need to feel comfortable, safe, and secure to have conversations at this level.13
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