How would you feel about your partners weight gain?
Dolly989
Posts: 30 Member
My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
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Replies
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I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.73 -
I think that whether or not you approach this with him depends on your motivation.
Are you genuinely concerned about his health and well-being because you care about him? Then, yes, I think it's appropriate to go to him with those concerns.
But, if you are just not liking the way he looks, or are motivated by bitterness that he eats "junk" food in front of you, or annoyed that he's not into your "strict" way of eating, then no, I don't think you should talk to him about it.25 -
SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.24 -
When my husband starts putting on weight, it means there's something else going on. Usually it's because his job is taking it's toll again and he's stress eating (and not sleeping), which leads to the comfort-eating spiral because he's unhappy with his weight and health as well. Tackling the underlying issues gets him back on track of caring for himself.24
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Is it as simple as him not understanding CICO? Was he very active before and recently stopped being active? How serious are you two and what long term commitments have you discussed if any?
Regardless of this any comment made to anyone has to be firmly rooted in love. You have to have a serious intimate relationship with this person and they have to respect you as a qualified source. There also has to be some manner of shared experience, so if you gained and lost weight this certainly helps.
I'm not sure what I would say specifically, but would approach it by trying to see what's wrong and go from there.8 -
Hmmm. I suppose one aspect could be what are you looking for in a partner? I am much, MUCH older than you, but single. I have been working hard on weight loss and fitness, for health reasons. IF I were to look for a partner, I would want someone who also had moderate health and fitness goals, because at my age, I would want both of us to stick around and be vibrant for as long as possible. I wouldn't expect a perfect physical specimen, because neither am I, and don't care if they carry some extra weight. My concern is daily movement and taking care of oneself through healthy lifestyle.
SO, what is important to you? Is it appearance only, or sharing an interest in a healthy lifestyle? Common interests are important in a relationship, and for you, that might include sharing your daily living and health journey with a partner. Only you can answer that question.23 -
SarahAnne3958 wrote: »I've been married for 17 years. I wore a size 4 wedding dress and then at my highest weight in our marriage I was wearing size 16 pants. My husband never said a word. I had to come to the point where it was a problem for ME, and if he'd said anything it would have really put a strain on our relationship.
I've since lost the extra weight and am now in maintenance and he's gone up around 30lbs in that time and is now back down 20ish, and is currently not focusing on losing anymore. That's fine with me because he's where he feels comfortable at right now. That may change down the road or it may not. I focus on myself and then I'm supportive of him. He does the same towards me.
Your boyfriend is aware that he's gained weight and at this point in his life he's ok with it. That may or may not change down the road but it's his decision. If it's a significant issue with you then it may be time to evaluate the relationship.
I understand where you are coming but we're not 17 years married. We're both in our 20's . I just think its a little young to be letting yourself go. Especially because he told me how he likes thin women and always compliments my figure. If the tables were turned I don't think he'd like it.
You're getting some flak for this so I'm gonna back you up. You have every right to say something about all of it.29 -
I use to be obese and lost about 120lbs. I live a certain lifestyle now where I am more active and pay attention to what I eat, how much I move, etc. I want to find someone that is going to want to do more than go eat somewhere. I want to find someone who takes care of themselves just as much or better than I do. Now with that being said....if I was already in a relationship with someone and he started gaining weight, I would talk to him about it in a caring and respectful way. But if I really cared for him I wouldn't just be like "sorry dude, you're too fat for me." If that's the only problem in your relationship, then that sounds pretty good to me.11
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My vote is to not say anything unless he asks your opinion. People change throughout relationships, and if you want this to be long-term, you're both going to change a lot over the years.
However, if he is really trying to tempt you with food he knows you're trying to avoid, that would bother me and I would address it immediately. But keep the weight gain out of it.32 -
Weight is a really personal thing. I love my husband and we have both struggled with out weights over the years. We are both keenly aware of the risks from being overweight and out of shape. However, a person's relationship with food and their weight is very personal. I choose to support my husband no matter where he is with his dedication to healthy diet and fitness. Sometimes we are in similar places and sometimes it seems world's apart. At the end of the day, I am committed as his spouse and support him in whatever way he wants me to support him.23
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One of the best debate threads on this - 68 pages of gold within:
https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/discussion/10538818/should-your-s-o-spouse-have-a-say-so-if-they-feel-you-are-too-thin-or-too-large#latest8 -
Not as long as others, but my wife and I have been married for 6.5 years (together for 10 total, friends since '03). I recall having a conversation while engaged about setting the expectation that we'd keep each other accountable for staying at a healthy weight (both for longevity and to stay attractive for one another). It's never been a serious issue for us but we're open with each other about how we're feeling ourselves, if we need to make changes to our routines to accommodate certain goals/activities and support each other in said goals.14
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My boyfriend has gained a significant amount of weight in the last few months. Not because of any medical issue or anything like that, just generally letting himself go. Living with him I've noticed how good my will power is because hes constanly eating junk food and I don't ever cave in and join him. I like to lead a healthy lifestyle and can be quite strict with what I eat. I go to the gym most days. He makes fun of how strict I am and will try to buy me junk food to tempt me. I haven't brought up his weight gain because I don't wanna hurt his feelings but at the same time i'm annoyed at how little he cares about himself? What if the tables were turned would he be bothered if i start piling on weight? I don't know. Somtimes I'd make comments like 'you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you" ect but he just laughs it off and says its delicious.
How would you feel if your partner started putting on weight? Would you care? Would you say it to them? If yes then how would you approach it?
You are being neither clear not accurate when you say, "you're getting take away again? Thats so bad for you"
"Take away" isn't bad - consuming excess calories regularly that leads to obesity is bad.
I suggest you work on some clear "I" statements and get back to us.18 -
Not as long as others, but my wife and I have been married for 6.5 years (together for 10 total, friends since '03). I recall having a conversation while engaged about setting the expectation that we'd keep each other accountable for staying at a healthy weight (both for longevity and to stay attractive for one another). It's never been a serious issue for us but we're open with each other about how we're feeling ourselves, if we need to make changes to our routines to accommodate certain goals/activities and support each other in said goals.
This:
If you're genuinely losing attraction because of his physical appearance (and also because his unhealthy habits aren't attractive to you and don't mesh with your lifestyle) then that is nothing to be ashamed of. It needs to be said, hurt feelings or not. Don't swallow your emotions to protect his33 -
He should not try tempting you(thats bad, he should be supporting your decision) . You should talk about that right away. If you have issues with his gains you need to let him know as well. If him gaining weight makes you not attracted to him, you should let him know, for the sake pf having a healthy relationship. You should for real not try subtleties, a lot of us guys dont get them, and appreciate when a women actually tells us whats on their mind or what she wants.14
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craigeruhl wrote: »He should not try tempting you(thats bad, he should be supporting your decision) . You should talk about that right away. If you have issues with his gains you need to let him know as well. If him gaining weight makes you not attracted to him, you should let him know, for the sake pf having a healthy relationship. You should for real not try subtleties, a lot of us guys dont get them, and appreciate when a women actually tells us whats on their mind or what she wants.
Yes, I've observed this with girlfriends from Georgia - they are so worried about being nice that the message they are trying to deliver is completely lost on men.
"Nice" and "clear" aren't mutually exclusive, but some need to work at it.10 -
Pamela_Sue wrote: »Hmmm. I suppose one aspect could be what are you looking for in a partner? I am much, MUCH older than you, but single. I have been working hard on weight loss and fitness, for health reasons. IF I were to look for a partner, I would want someone who also had moderate health and fitness goals, because at my age, I would want both of us to stick around and be vibrant for as long as possible. I wouldn't expect a perfect physical specimen, because neither am I, and don't care if they carry some extra weight. My concern is daily movement and taking care of oneself through healthy lifestyle.
SO, what is important to you? Is it appearance only, or sharing an interest in a healthy lifestyle? Common interests are important in a relationship, and for you, that might include sharing your daily living and health journey with a partner. Only you can answer that question.
I think this is so true. Start with figuring out what you want/need. Let him know about those wants/needs. If you both want the relationship to work, you may both need to compromise a bit. Maybe limiting the take away to a specific number per week, or relaxing on how strict you are about your own food choices a few days a week.
It’s ultimately up to you how you choose to handle the situation. But, I would make sure you are clear about what it is that’s bothering you, if you decide to start a conversation with him.3 -
It sounds like his eating habits aren’t actually a problem for you, and that you’ve got a good grip on your own diet and fitness. The problem seems to be that you suspect there is a double standard in your relationship, where you are willing to put up with his weight gain but fear he would not tolerate yours. I don’t know either of you, so your suspicion may or may not be correct. If I was dating a guy and I suspected he would have a problem with me gaining weight, I couldn’t be in a committed, long-term relationship with him, knowing that our connection hinged on my appearance.35
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I would have to say there are a number of red flags. Tempting you with high calorie foods and talking about how he likes his women? Seriously, these could be control issues or self esteem issues on his end. I would think that it is time to have a serious talk with him about why he is bringing the foods in. Plus I second mariececilia10 that his focus on physical appearance is concerning.13
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You're not required to be in a relationship with this person, no matter what the reasons for your not wanting to be (his lack of respect for your health goals, your feelings that he doesn't share your values about health, your lack of attraction for this heavier version of him), and you don't really do him any favors pretending that you do want to be if you don't.
And if there are things that are important to you that you can't have an honest conversation about, that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship.18
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