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Any politician from either party with acting experience (yeah, it's redundant I know) should be capable of an Oscar-worthy performance as Pinocchio. Unfair as it might seem, the actor probably wouldn't win the Oscar because The Academy would deem the performance as not really acting, but just behaving as they normally would in everyday life.
Inflation is looking like a problem for folks on fixed incomes right now. Where should those who have a few extra bucks invest those funds in order to stay ahead of the inflation rate?0 -
Oh rats, I was too slow! 🤣 Paul Reubens aka Pee-Wee Herman. He already has experience playing with wood. 🤐
I have a great place to invest where you are guaranteed not to lose money in any economic downturns. It's under my mattress. Don't worry, I'm a saver, not a spender so your money is safe with me.
My dad is switching back to eating vegan for health reasons and I want to support him by bringing food that will make this transition easier. What is your favourite vegan dish?
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Barbecue featuring grass-fed beef and corn-fed chicken, 100% organically raised. You are what you eat; the cow ate grass, so the cow IS grass; similarly, the chicken IS corn. Grass and corn should qualify as vegan, right?
Why do they put expiration dates and calorie content labels on bottled water?0 -
Most people don't know that water breaks down into hydrogen and oxygen and their subatomic components when exposed to a universe altering event, such as the Big Bang.
In order to avoid lawsuits in that event, the legal team of the water bottling companies require the expiration date, just in case.
The calorie content is there just so they can brag about how their "light water" (unlike "heavy water" from other vendors) is a zero calorie beverage.
I've nearly got my garden plot ready to plant with vegetables starting next week. How should I control insects and similar pests while avoiding the synthetic pesticides?
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Scarecrows work well for scaring off birds - try mini scarecrows for scaring off insects.
You might need to go into mass production to make 1000 or so really mini size ones and place strategically around your garden
Which leads into the next question - how could one get mass production happening quickly and efficiently?0 -
As an astrophysicist, I can spend hours telling you about how during the Big Bang 13.8 billion years ago, during the first fractions of a fraction of a second the universe was very quick and efficient at creating mass out of nothing. All it takes is about a billion degrees, your microwave is rated for that temperature right? Some of the newer ovens can as well, look for the setting mislabeled as "self-cleaning".
If so many people in America dislike Daylight Savings Time, and the government is supposed to represent the people, then why does the government still support DST?0 -
Because the government likes acronyms. For example: FBI, CIA, CDC, NAFTA.... any governnent entity or program, once designated by an acronym, is here to stay.
Rather than being in a ballroom or convention center, this next job I'm on
is set up outside on the grounds of a hotel resort outside of Phoenix, Arizona. The problem with that is the extreme temperature swings. It was 48°F this morning, and will be going up to 81° this afternoon. How does one dress to be comfortable in both extremes?
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Well that is easy - dress in layers. Start in a fluffy oodie and ugg botts and then de layer down to a bikini by afternoon
I mean, dress codes and formality for work are over rated, right?
am eating my favourite yoghurt for breakfast - they have their staple flavours all the time but keep bringing out limited edition ones - apple and cinnamon was nice. Trying spiced raisin now, not so keen on that.
What will they try next?0 -
The stereotypical breakfast is supposed to be eggs and bacon. If they want to market this yogurt brand to attract more consumption at breakfast, then be on the lookout for "Eggs and bacon" flavored yogurt.
My wife wants to spend my annual bonus on swapping out carpet for hardwood flooring; I want to pay off some loans so we owe less each month. How do you handle financial decisions in your home?0 -
I've heard dill pickle is the next limited edition yogurt flavour ... but I don't recommend it.
8 lousy minutes... grumble, grumble...
Dave Ramsey would tell you to pay off the loans. But who is he, anyway, some kind of a financial expert on building wealth? I wonder who got to make the last decision - whatever it was (what movie to see, what to have for dinner, whether an old friend could come and visit and sleep in the living room)? The other person is next up for decision-making.
I'm trying to get out of here to meet a friend for dinner, but we're running late. What's a good way to sneak out early?0 -
If you have sufficient time for preparation, the options are endless:
- Dig a secret underground tunnel (hide the entrance with your favorite movie poster)
- Train in the secret art of Ninjitsu (they now offer internet correspondence courses)
- Buy a Harry Potter Invisibility Cloak (available on Amazon Prime)
- Reset every single clock in the building to two hours ahead, so the boss thinks you're ending the meeting at 5, when it's really 3
...and so on. If however you find yourself without time to prepare, then the old standby works almost as well: Look over the shoulder of whoever's talking, let your eyes get super big and round, point dramatically, and scream, "What's that!?!?" When everybody else turns to look, you quietly exit stage left.
Tomorrow I have to work a graveyard shift for the first time in months. I know all the tricks to staying awake at work; it's the drive home after which is a challenge. Too much caffeine, and I can't get to sleep when I get home; do nothing, and risk falling asleep at the wheel. What can I do to get home safely without jeopardizing getting sleep at home prior to my next graveyard shift?0 -
May i just come in with my short easy and obvious answer to your question?
Cruise Control
Why else would they put auto pilot on your car!
Speaking of Cruise Control...
Why do I feel the lack of control when using, and how can I get more comfortable using it when on the long cross country move?0 -
You need more practice controlling your cruise. The best cruise control occurs months in advance, online, when selecting which of several cruises you want...Carnival Cruise, Disney Cruise, and more. You can experience ultimate control over everything...which cabin, which dining package, even what date of departure! If you don't actually use a real credit card, you can practice controlling your cruise several times per day until you feel comfortable with the process. Do this for a few weeks, and then cruising across the country will be a snap!
Speaking of vacations, my wife would love to visit Paris and other cities in Europe one day. Unfortunately, my wife is afraid of water, so travelling there by boat or plane is off limits. How can I help her to realize her dream of a European vacation?1 -
How about map travel? No wait, there are oceans depicted on maps, so that probably won't work. Okay then, I suggest an elaborate ruse to get your wife to a hypnotist. You can crash a high school prom, where the entertainment is sure to be a hypnotist. (This will kill two birds with one stone @nossmf - you'll now be able to say you went to your prom. Well a prom anyway...) As part of your ruse, you'll have to go a little early and grease the palm of the hired act. The high school hiring committee was probably hoping to see one of their classmates, up on stage, acting like a monkey or clucking like a chicken, but no. Instead, the hypnotist will plant the idea to the whole room that you've all taken a wonderful European dream vacation. Be sure and tell him ahead of time which cities and attractions your wife is hoping to visit so he can include them in his act. You've got time to make this work, my friend. Most proms are in May, so, between now and then you have time to craft your story about why you're going to this prom (perhaps they've run short of chaperones or maybe they've heard you always wanted to go to a prom) as well as brush up on your PhotoShop skills so you can present your wife with a lovely album of your time spent in Europe.
I haven't started my taxes yet, but plan on doing so when I get back in town. I actually don't mind doing them, with the exception of tracking down receipts. Does anyone here have any handy tips for doing your own taxes?0 -
I bet these people can recommend great Tax Preparers and help keep you out of jail for Tax Evasion! 😝
Wesley Snipes
Willie Nelson
Pete Rose
Leona Helmsley
Martha Stewart
Al Capone
Joe Francis
Darryl Strawberry
DISCLAIMER:
These names were all listed on the internet and no disrespect or slander intended or implied.
Speaking of Taxes...
What's the best way to fire your Tax person/Accountant without fearing retaliation since they do have access to all of your personal information and social security number? 😬
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Fire them and then head straight into the witness protection program, where you'll receive a new identity, social security number, job and friends. Problem solved.
I may end up with a little time off this afternoon. Have any of you been to the Phoenix/Chandler area in Arizona? Got any suggestions for what to do with my maybe 2 hours 1 hour of free time?
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Two hours off is misleading...once you factor in transportation to/from wherever you want to go, it's more like one hour. But that's only if you go to someplace manmade. Instead, wander off a little ways into the desert, find some indigenous plant to smoke (you did bring your pipe, right?), and now the mind-warping properties of the mystery ingredient you just smoked should make your 2 hours feel more like 24. Poof, extra vacation time! Spend the extra time wisely by searching for your spirit animal guide so you can learn the answer to the most profound question humanity has ever asked:
Who's going to win the next Super Bowl?
Oh, wait, that's my question to ask MY spirit animal guide, you're gonna have to figure out your own question to ask.
Has anybody ever shared a communion with your spirit animal guide? What animal appeared, and what wisdom did you receive?0 -
I've shared Spirits with many animals (of the human persuasion) and after a few too many 🥃🥃🥃a few animals (of the animal persuasion) may or may not have appeared to guide me straight to the wisdom of knowing that spirits are better consumed sparingly.🤢
Hmmm... Maybe I should go receive Communion.
🍷🥖🙏
Where did the saying "It's 5:00 somewhere!" Originate?0 -
I've heard it said it's always at 5 in Margaritaville, but if they started the saying it'd be, "It's 5:00 here!" So we must look elsewhere. I'm guessing it came from the North or South Pole, where for six months out of the year it's permanent sunshine and the other six months it's permanent night. Without the rise and set of the sun to help tell time, whenever one penguin asked another what time it was, the second would shrug its flippers and respond, "Squawk!" which roughly translates to either "Beats me" or "It's 5:00 somewhere" depending on which dialect is being used.
The traditional methods of celebrating St. Patrick's Day are to drink copious amounts of alcohol and pinch people who are not wearing green. Since I'm at work where my boss has vetoed alcohol and the H.R. department has vetoed pinching anybody, what are some alternate ways I can celebrate?0 -
Gosh, they spoil all the fun!! I suggest wearing a fake beard and speaking with an Irish accent. Bonus points if you eat some lucky charms while singing U2 songs.
Should I decide to indulge in copious amounts of green beer tonight, what is your best hangover remedy?0 -
Grab your Uilleann pipes (you do have some, right) and make some noise, literally, unless of course you are a highly skilled piper, in which case, for many people, it will still sound like noise. But surely, your boss has a discerning ear and would appreciate a good reel or jig, so much so that he/she will declare a work holiday and allow copious amounts of green beer and insist on pinching of anyone foolish enough to not wear green on St Patrick's Day.
Yesterday, I was subjected to a high dose of chlorine gas when the automatic chlorinator malfunctioned (and/or person erred) during my water aerobics class. Short of wearing a full face chlorine respirator, what can I do to prepare for the next time this happens, as it surely shouldn't and thus surely will?
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Mr Prom King has a few options now. 🤣
Speaking of kings, you know how they have a taste tester for poisoned food? You need a chlorine tester with you at all times. Push them into the pool and if they only choke and sputter because of the surprise of getting water in their face rather than cough and sputter from inhaling chlorine, you are safe to swim.
And now will you please answer my question? 😘
Should I decide to indulge in copious amounts of green beer tonight, what is your best hangover remedy?0 -
Get yourself a full gallon-size container of the ice cream of your choice. It needs to be the good stuff, not that cheap stuff with all the stabilizers and emulsifiers and such. It's a well-established fact (in my mind at least) that the sugar and cream in ice cream counteract the negative feelings of not only hangovers, but migraine headaches, and too many other maladies to mention (for fear that someone else will answer ahead of me).
Where can one find one of these chlorine testers? How much do they demand in compensation and health insurance coverage?0 -
Well you don’t actually pay them or need to cover health benefits. Just invite people you don’t particularly care for (former coworkers, the annoying brat who lives down the street, your least favourite sibling) and if they survive, they’ll probably never bother you again and if they don’t…well there is no need to pay them. (Even though this is the wrong answer thread and should be self evident, I feel I need to publicly declare do not attempt to actually do this). 😬
Besides drinking copious amounts of green beer and counteracting it with quality ice cream, how should I celebrate the start of my 9 day vacation tonight?0 -
Wait a minute...you are celebrating a 9 DAY vacation at NIGHT? No wonder you are seeking help...the very question is confusing! But regardless, let's take a moment to review what some of our esteemed colleagues did during their breaks...
@cmsienk (1 hour break) inhaled random pipe fumes in a desert in search of her spirit guide
@frankwbrown (rest-of-his-life break) inhaled chlorine gas in search of a toned body
Neither seemed particularly pleased with the results of their decisions, so it seems to me the answer is obvious: **beep** If you wish to read the rest of this response, please deposit 25 cents. **beep**
(Editor's note: it's 3am when I'm typing this, during a quick break from work while trying to stay awake, and my clever idea-synthesizing is stuck in neutral.)
During conversation with my coworkers tonight, the subject turned to our favorite movies. I realize not everybody is going to enjoy the same movies as me, and that's fine. But when an 18-year-old said he'd never seen Star Wars, my soul shriveled a little bit inside. What are some movies/shows you think should be mandatory viewing for all kids before being allowed to graduate from high school?0 -
Exactly where am I supposed to insert this quarter? 😬 And do you take Canadian coins?
Okay, movies:
Office Space - teaches about the joys of working and the importance of flair
ET - reminds your teen that they should call home on occasion
Wolf of Wall Street - teaches you what to do with money, if you do make some at your job
And last but not least, Pretty Woman - the classic love story showing you can find love just about anywhere
It's 3am when I'm typing this, during a quick break from sleeping and my stomach is growling. What should I eat to stop it from doing so and do the calories count for yesterday or today, since I’m still mid way through my sleep (hopefully)?
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A timely response would have come prior to 4am, unfortunately I'm not even up at 5am on Fridays. Hopefully, you realized that what you should eat depends solely on what you desire. This is because food consumed in the middle of the night, during a brief awakened state, have no calories. And so it is a mute point whether those calories count for yesterday or today. This understanding has worked quite well for me, although inexplicably, I have gained 4 pounds this past week.
What principals of biology, physiology and organic chemistry explain how I can gain weight while surely eating at a calorie deficit?0 -
Don't look to biology...physics has the answer! Weight is a function of gravity. I'll spare you the math, but basically two factors influence weight: how far you are from the planet's center, and the mass of the planet. Since you haven't gone digging into the ground, the distance hasn't changed, leaving the mass of the planet. Aha, we have the answer to our problem! When the people on the opposite side of the planet gain mass through not adhering to their diets, the combined mass of people plus planet has increased, which pulls harder on you, which increases your "weight." See, we can all blame our increased weight on the dietary habits of people on the opposite side of the planet.
Speaking of opposites, most of nature comes in opposite pairs. Black/white, hot/cold, front/back, etc. If that's the case, then what is the opposite of cinnamon?0 -
Cucumber!
well it must be since I really like cinnamon and I really dislike cucumber.
Or perhaps it is Kitty - now that might seem a stupid answer (even for this thread
) but I do know a dog called Cinnamon (true story) so the opposite of unusual name for dog would be common name for cat 
I do really dislike cucumbers - but they keep popping up in salads whether I want them or not.
How can we rid the world of this pesky vegetable?0 -
Everybody needs to increase their salad consumption. If cucumbers only appear in salads (and honestly, have you ever encountered cucumber NOT in salad?), then the more salads eaten, the less cucumber left in the world. If enough people eat more salads, demand will outstrip supply, until eventually every single cucumber on the planet will have been eaten. Poof! No more cucumber.
Two different scales at my gym gave weights for me that were ten pounds apart. If I can't trust the scales to give me an honest answer, how can I tell me whether or not I've lost weight?0
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