Wrong answers ONLY!

nossmf

Remove all the light bulbs on the south side of the house, so when you turn on the light switch only those in the north will be lit. To duplicate the colors you can also replace the northern bulbs with colored lights.

My son wants to enlist in the military upon graduation. As a former military man with generations of military history behind us, I salute this decision. My wife, however, is scared for his safety. How can I assure her that he will be fine?

cmsienk

Point her towards these Hollywood movies: Sailor Beware and At War with the Army, featuring Jerry Lewis and Dean Martin, as well as Operation Petticoat, starring Cary Grant and Tony Curtis. To find these movies, you may have to go to the only remaining Blockbuster Video store in Bend, Oregon. Once you've returned home with your video cassettes, follow up with the more current Bill Murray movie, Stripes. Your wife will soon see that joining the military is mostly fun and games and it'll be like your son is going to a fun summer camp. That should ease her worries.

(Thank you for your service @nossmf. I have family members who were also in the military.)

They're forecasting a pretty big snowstorm (although certainly not on North Dakota standards) for my area this Wednesday-Thursday, with 8 to 14 inches of snow expected. I'm going to fill my car up with gas today and stop by the grocery store for a few essentials. What else should I be doing?

nossmf

Did you remember to check your neighbor's plow-truck to make sure it has gas and the ignition is fixed from the last time you hot-wired it? While at the grocery store make sure you get food coloring, so when the snow falls with your sub-zero temperatures you can mix up pots of colored water and fling them atop the snow to create a colorful wintery landscape. While you're at it, get all the supplies needed to set up a booth at the street corner where you can sell colored snow-cones. Professional tip: avoid yellow dye, it doesn't sell as well for some reason.

(Sounds silly, but in North Dakota it's actually a real thing kids can do when the temperature gets really cold. You literally mix pots of colored water, open the front door and fling the water out, and if the temp is low enough, the water freezes before it hits the ground, and you get colored designs on the snow.)

While my son has a plan for after graduation, my daughter's ambition seems to be to sit in her room and read. Any suggestions on how I can encourage her to get a job and move out into her own place?

cmsienk

Perhaps you could lure her out of her room long enough to enjoy the upcoming movie night with your wife. Once she gets sucked into those fun-loving military movies, she just might decide she wants to join the military as well. As a signing perk, I've heard they provide luxury accommodations. Both problems solved: a job and her own (well sort of) place.

My neighbor caught me sneaking away in his plow truck and doesn't believe me about the gas tank fill-up. He also now knows I was the one who took his plow truck for a joyride to get limburger cheese a while back. How do I convince him not to call the police? 😉

nossmf

Point out that, by virtue of owning a plow truck, he virtually signed the unspoken agreement to plow the neighborhood, and by deciding to go to work that one day instead of plowing he was in violation of said agreement. Breaking of contracts, whether signed and notarized or not, is punishable by extended jail sentences, made longer if the judge presiding over the case happens to live in the same area and therefore was inconvenienced by the negligent plow truck operator. Ipso facto ad nauseum e pluribus unum, if he calls the police on you, he is also effectively contacting the police on himself. Fortunately, if he agrees to sign a waiver removing any liability from you, you quid pro quo agree not to press charges against him.

My coworker says there's a winter storm coming tomorrow, but my Farmer's Almanac is rather unspecific about it. Where is he getting his weather prognostication information?

cmsienk

I believe he's getting his information from Punxsutawney Phil. Since he really only works one day a year, Phil's been honing his weather prognosticating skills for the other 364 days and finally started freelancing as a personal weather forecaster. Looks like your coworker has signed up with this groundhog.

How do you know when you've spent too much time online?

nossmf

Your mother/spouse says you've spent too much time online
You sacrifice sleep/exercise to spend time online
Your computer/phone cries uncle and cowers in the corner when you go to login

Ultimately, you'll never know yourself if you've been online for too long, because the very act of logging in opens a digital port to your cerebellum, allowing the makers of the internet to remotely deactivate that part of your brain which detects the passage of time. This is because they get royalty checks based upon how many seconds you're logged in, so they have a vested interest in ensuring you are online for as long as possible. You log in...they remotely turn off your internal time sense...you spend more time online...they make more money. It's only after you log off that you once again become aware of what time it is, or if somebody not currently logged in somehow manages to break into your awareness, usually through some combination of screaming and shaking your shoulder.

Ever since I got a job working for the government, my wife's friend has been convinced I could answer all his questions about Area 51 and UFO conspiracies. The more I deny, the more adamant he becomes. Does he know something I don't?

Cat0703a

It appears you were not given the handbook of answers given to the chosen ones. I’m not sure what that means though…no more raises or promotions??

What is the correct way to eat an Oreo cookie. Im having a disagreement with someone regarding this topic.

frankwbrown

As a child, my siblings and I would twist two cookies to separate the halves, eat the halves without filling, then combine the remaining halves to make a double-stuffed cookie. Nabisco has since had the bright idea to make double-stuffed Oreos and sell them that way. Then they made thin Oreos, because they needed extra filling for the increased demand for double-stuffed. So now, the correct way to eat an Oreo is to buy double-stuffed and thin Oreos, twist them apart, equalize the filling and reassemble, then enjoy an original Oreo. But you are no doubt wondering about dipping Oreos in milk. In which case, you need to know that 93% of the cookie should be submerged in ice cold milk, for from 5 to 20 seconds. The duration will depend on what degree of saturation you are shooting for.

Alternatively, you can do what my older brother now considers the proper technique for achieving both crunchiness and milky goodness, which is to take a bite of half a cookie and a sip of milk.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm wanting some Oreos. But I'm bewildered by the selection available these days. How do I decide between Mint, Peanut Butter, Hazelnut, Javachip, and the numerous other flavors?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Oreo_varieties

cmsienk

@frankwbrown, may I answer both yours and Cat's questions here? The answer to the correct way to eat an Oreo and the best way to decide between all the Oreo varieties is the same. Skip the Oreos and eat someone's mom's homemade chocolate chip cookies. Yes, @nossmf, anyone's mom.

I just got an email notifying me that Delta airlines has made a change to one of my upcoming flights. My meeting that day ends at 11:30am and I was on a 4pm flight to my next job. That has now been changed to a 1:30pm flight. How do I best express my displeasure to Delta airlines, as it is very likely that I won't be able to make the newly scheduled (for their convenience) flight time?
(ETA: True Story)

nossmf

Call the Delta customer service hotline and inform them that just because they are named after the Greek letter for change does NOT give them permission to actually change your flight without your permission. Further, if they do not change the flight back, next time you will schedule service with one of their competitors, perhaps Epsilon or Omega. (Alpha is too bossy, Beta is still testing the safety of their airplanes, and Gamma only has a single plane to fly the Incredible Hulk around.) On second thought, better not use Omega Air, as their commercials advertise flying with them is "the last flight you'll ever be on," which sounds just a little ominous to me.

We just booked my wife and daughter for a school trip to Disneyworld next year (true story). My sons will be moved out of the house by then starting their adult lives, but my other daughter is sure to be jealous. What can I do to help her feel special?

cmsienk

Assuming this isn't the daughter who is holed up in her room with a book, but is instead her younger sister, might I suggest a road trip to West Point? You could entice her with the possibility of not only following in the footsteps of the relatives who've gone before her in military service, but with the opportunity to one day both outrank and boss around her older brother (and possibly sister) should they stay in long enough. You will, of course, need to find better, funnier military movies to show your wife.

How do you deal with drivers who tailgate?

nossmf

Stop driving a pickup truck. If you drive a vehicle without a tailgate (compact car, motorcycle, and similar) then the other driver can't tailgate you.

I had to restart my laptop five times this morning, each time due to a "critical update." Why don't they simply sell laptops with all the "critical updates" already in place?

cmsienk

They sell them that way. You've just been shopping at the wrong places. You have to buy them at a Critical Care Facility. Here's where they teach you how to use them:

What's the first thing you did this morning?

Cat0703a

At 12:01am, I cheered out loud that I got to see the start of a fresh day! The second time I woke up at 12:27am, I said, I really hope I can stay up until 4:00am this time. And my wish was granted. 🥰

I’ve used a sick day because what better way to continue celebrating this sleepless day!! How much work should one do on a paid sick day?

frankwbrown

The amount of work you should do on a paid sick day is inversely proportional to the amount you are paid for being sick. So if you get paid a lot, you should do very little. On the other hand, if you get paid very little, you should do a lot, so that when you return to work, you will welcome doing less work for that same meager pay. This will help you to not get sick of work, if that's possible.

During a period of significant weight loss, I lost some muscle mass along with the fat mass. I have been trying to rectify that now, working on building back the muscle mass. But it seems to be pretty slow going, based on what my BIA scale has been telling me. I am worried that maybe the way I've been exercising is turning muscle mass to fat mass. Is there a way to turn fat mass directly into muscle mass, without the need to resort to intense exercise? For example, could I just relax on my couch or in my recliner, eating cookies and ice cream, and passively turn fat into muscle?

cmsienk

I've read that if you spread a little paste of mustard and horseradish on your arms, wrap them in plastic wrap and sleep with them over your head for three days, any fat there will miraculously turn into beautifully sculpted biceps, triceps and deltoids. I don't know if this works for quadriceps or other leg muscles, but you could buy an inversion table and test that theory.

What's a great fun activity to do in a yard featuring a foot of freshly fallen snow?

nossmf

Freshly fallen snow initially appears only where it's cold. Who wants to do something in the cold? Much better to bring the snow inside where it's warm, and then you can play in it! How do I do this, you might ask? Do I take a large shovel and, one scoop at a time, bring it inside? No, that would take too long. Much faster to release two large dogs into the yard, because within minutes they will have collected all the snow between their paws and covering their coats from rolling around in it. Now simply call for them to return inside, where they will immediately deposit the snow all over for your benefit through shaking violently and leaving snow-covered paw prints racing around the house. (Ask me how I know...)

Speaking of dogs, mine love to go on car rides with me to the grocery store or gas station, where they sit inside the car while I make my purchase. Why do they love sticking their heads out the window as I drive, including during the winter when it's freezing outside?

Cat0703a

Have you smelled their breath lately? 😖 Remember they’ve got a heightened sense of smell and they’re grossed out by their own morning breath.

Now that my sick day work is inversely proportional to the amount I’m paid, what should I do with my 47 minutes of free time today?

cmsienk

I think, in your 47 minutes of free time, you should take up one of the 23 Unusual, Strange & Weird Hobbies I recently read about. (True Story) I don't think you'll have time for Extreme Ironing (including adventures like climbing a mountain, riding a helicopter or mid-air skydiving whilst ironing) or Collecting In-Flight Sick Bags (pretty self-explanatory; you don't really have time to get to the airport) or Train Surfing... Please pause while I post early to hold my place in line; I've lost my list of your phone numbers.

As I was saying... another option you can't really accomplish in your 47 minutes is Train Surfing (not recommended but a hobby nonetheless), where some people actually risk their lives by dangling from train cars and clambering atop the roofs of commuter trains.

What you do have time for is Collecting Naval Fluff, Mooing, Beetle Fighting (assuming you can find some beetles in your house and train them) or Toy Voyaging. What is this you wonder? You can send your toy on a wacky adventure somewhere around the world and even host another hobbyist's toy on vacation. All you need to get started is a toy and access to the Toy Voyagers platform. There's also soap carving and dirt polishing. You've got many things to try... go get started!

I recently divulged that MFP Moderator was my dream job. What's yours?