Advice on how to handle an ex please!

baileysmom4

Sounds to me like he is just trying to look good for his parole hearing. I say ignore the letter until AFTER the hearing and see if he is still a changed man..... highly doubtful.

RozayJones

My only question with this thread is how many of you have actually experienced something like this?

Anyone can say he has rights because his is their bio but it will always come down to what is best for the children!

I don't have kids myself, but I'm an attorney and have handled many custody, support, visitation etc cases. Luckily domestic relations courts are all about what is best for the children as well - and overall the courts believe that, barring any extraordinary circumstances, children should have visitation with their parents.

I've seen too many cases like this, where a mom wants to prevent the dad from seeing the kids...its funny how they don't think about this when they get pregnant by these losers!

I agree they do believe that children should have visitation with their parents but thankfully their are many different forms of visitation ie: supervised.

I think it is important to remember that yes their are some crazy moms out there that want to keep their kids out of the bio father's life out of spite but others have very good reasons for being concered.

SemperAnticus1643

I will also inform them that I have spent the last x amount of years protecting them and doing what I saw was best. It is not healthy for them to be around drug users and drinkers. Their biological father was almost stabbed to death at a party he was at. What if my children had been their? I don't know who is there or what they are doing. I have felt like I have been able to keep them from a life of abuse, negligence, possible rape, introductions to who knows what kinds of drugs up to this point.

I will also explain that I almost lost my youngest because he beat me pretty badly because he showed up at my house stoned out of his mind and angry because a different car was in my drive way. (I had just got a new car.)

You can't do that.

I'm sorry but you can't. You have no right to color your childs mind with your experiences with that man. I'm not saying he's good or great or even decent. But frankly those experiences are YOURS and not theirs. You can't give them those "memories" and tell them they should form opinions about a man that may never show them that side.

Most court orders and custody agreements have it specifically detailed that you are not allowed to speak badly of the other parent, you are not allowed to detrimentally affect their relationship with the children.

You choose to tell your kids this and help them formulate an opinion on a man they have never met and you will find yourself in more trouble with the court than you want.

I don't like my daughters biological dad, he is not a great dad. He hurts her feelings, he fails at things, he upsets her. But I NEVER EVER speak ill of him or tell her about times he treated me ill or did things I did not like or approve of. I DO however console her when he's less than ideal and help her talk through HER experiences with me.

Don't do this. I understand you are angry, upset and bitter...and you are if you feel you need to color your children's mind on this matter...you just are....but the moral and responsible adult just lets their children know that it didn't work between you two and that there were reasons that only adults need to know for why it didn't work. This isn't protecting them, this is blackballing him.

That's all.

That conversation was for a later date if they ever asked what happened and why we weren't together. My oldest daughter was also 3 years old and witnessed the whole beating scene. She also saw my face that was bruised and swollen and she understood that it hurt. Those are her experiences with him.

That still never makes it right to tell them everything about his dark past.

You seem to be missing your whole entire part of the responsibility here. You chose him and allowed this all to happen. You are now playing the martyr. If you can change and learn (you were stupid, right???) perhaps others can too... such as their father.

And once they're "much older" they can figure out what they want and how they feel about him on their own.

Just food for thought.

I did not allow him to come to my house stoned out of his mind. To prevent that I had already filed a protective order against him because he was stalking me on campus and later had ripped a necklace off my neck and broke my glasses. That is how he ended up with a violation of a protective order. The police couldn't do anything about the beating he gave me because he took off and in order to get charged with violation the person has to be seen and caught. He was later charged with domestic abuse for beating his girlfriend up and breaking her jaw. These "experiences" of mine are not something I want my children to have to endure themselves. Because what happens if he were to beat them and they hold it against me for letting them go? Or even worse and he takes them to a party and they get raped? Both domestic abuse AND rape charges have been brought against him. The judge that ordered the visitation won't have to live with it...I will.

UrbanLotus

My only question with this thread is how many of you have actually experienced something like this?

Anyone can say he has rights because his is their bio but it will always come down to what is best for the children!

I don't have kids myself, but I'm an attorney and have handled many custody, support, visitation etc cases. Luckily domestic relations courts are all about what is best for the children as well - and overall the courts believe that, barring any extraordinary circumstances, children should have visitation with their parents.

I've seen too many cases like this, where a mom wants to prevent the dad from seeing the kids...its funny how they don't think about this when they get pregnant by these losers!

I agree they do believe that children should have visitation with their parents but thankfully their are many different forms of visitation ie: supervised.

I think it is important to remember that yes their are some crazy moms out there that want to keep their kids out of the bio father's life out of spite but others have very good reasons for being concered.

True, but the type of visitation is up to the courts, so many people here are saying to do supervised or terminate his rights...all those things are not in her control.

You're absolutely right, but my point is that people need to think about who they are having children with. In most situations, you got yourself into it willingly and made a choice - remember that you are tied to that other person for life, so maybe think about what type of person they are *before* having a child with them.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

I will also inform them that I have spent the last x amount of years protecting them and doing what I saw was best. It is not healthy for them to be around drug users and drinkers. Their biological father was almost stabbed to death at a party he was at. What if my children had been their? I don't know who is there or what they are doing. I have felt like I have been able to keep them from a life of abuse, negligence, possible rape, introductions to who knows what kinds of drugs up to this point.

I will also explain that I almost lost my youngest because he beat me pretty badly because he showed up at my house stoned out of his mind and angry because a different car was in my drive way. (I had just got a new car.)

You can't do that.

I'm sorry but you can't. You have no right to color your childs mind with your experiences with that man. I'm not saying he's good or great or even decent. But frankly those experiences are YOURS and not theirs. You can't give them those "memories" and tell them they should form opinions about a man that may never show them that side.

Most court orders and custody agreements have it specifically detailed that you are not allowed to speak badly of the other parent, you are not allowed to detrimentally affect their relationship with the children.

You choose to tell your kids this and help them formulate an opinion on a man they have never met and you will find yourself in more trouble with the court than you want.

I don't like my daughters biological dad, he is not a great dad. He hurts her feelings, he fails at things, he upsets her. But I NEVER EVER speak ill of him or tell her about times he treated me ill or did things I did not like or approve of. I DO however console her when he's less than ideal and help her talk through HER experiences with me.

Don't do this. I understand you are angry, upset and bitter...and you are if you feel you need to color your children's mind on this matter...you just are....but the moral and responsible adult just lets their children know that it didn't work between you two and that there were reasons that only adults need to know for why it didn't work. This isn't protecting them, this is blackballing him.

That's all.

That conversation was for a later date if they ever asked what happened and why we weren't together. My oldest daughter was also 3 years old and witnessed the whole beating scene. She also saw my face that was bruised and swollen and she understood that it hurt. Those are her experiences with him.

That still never makes it right to tell them everything about his dark past.

You seem to be missing your whole entire part of the responsibility here. You chose him and allowed this all to happen. You are now playing the martyr. If you can change and learn (you were stupid, right???) perhaps others can too... such as their father.

And once they're "much older" they can figure out what they want and how they feel about him on their own.

Just food for thought.

I did not allow him to come to my house stoned out of his mind. To prevent that I had already filed a protective order against him because he was stalking me on campus and later had ripped a necklace off my neck and broke my glasses. That is how he ended up with a violation of a protective order. The police couldn't do anything about the beating he gave me because he took off and in order to get charged with violation the person has to be seen and caught. He was later charged with domestic abuse for beating his girlfriend up and breaking her jaw. These "experiences" of mine are not something I want my children to have to endure themselves. Because what happens if he were to beat them and they hold it against me for letting them go? Or even worse and he takes them to a party and they get raped? Both domestic abuse AND rape charges have been brought against him. The judge that ordered the visitation won't have to live with it...I will.

again, you really may want to rethink airing all of his past. I am by no means saying what he did was right or acceptable, but should this go to court, you are slinging quite a bit of mud here, publicly. I am sorry those things happened to you.

Alex_is_Hawks

I will also inform them that I have spent the last x amount of years protecting them and doing what I saw was best. It is not healthy for them to be around drug users and drinkers. Their biological father was almost stabbed to death at a party he was at. What if my children had been their? I don't know who is there or what they are doing. I have felt like I have been able to keep them from a life of abuse, negligence, possible rape, introductions to who knows what kinds of drugs up to this point.

I will also explain that I almost lost my youngest because he beat me pretty badly because he showed up at my house stoned out of his mind and angry because a different car was in my drive way. (I had just got a new car.)

You can't do that.

I'm sorry but you can't. You have no right to color your childs mind with your experiences with that man. I'm not saying he's good or great or even decent. But frankly those experiences are YOURS and not theirs. You can't give them those "memories" and tell them they should form opinions about a man that may never show them that side.

Most court orders and custody agreements have it specifically detailed that you are not allowed to speak badly of the other parent, you are not allowed to detrimentally affect their relationship with the children.

You choose to tell your kids this and help them formulate an opinion on a man they have never met and you will find yourself in more trouble with the court than you want.

I don't like my daughters biological dad, he is not a great dad. He hurts her feelings, he fails at things, he upsets her. But I NEVER EVER speak ill of him or tell her about times he treated me ill or did things I did not like or approve of. I DO however console her when he's less than ideal and help her talk through HER experiences with me.

Don't do this. I understand you are angry, upset and bitter...and you are if you feel you need to color your children's mind on this matter...you just are....but the moral and responsible adult just lets their children know that it didn't work between you two and that there were reasons that only adults need to know for why it didn't work. This isn't protecting them, this is blackballing him.

That's all.

That conversation was for a later date if they ever asked what happened and why we weren't together. My oldest daughter was also 3 years old and witnessed the whole beating scene. She also saw my face that was bruised and swollen and she understood that it hurt. Those are her experiences with him.

That still never makes it right to tell them everything about his dark past.

You seem to be missing your whole entire part of the responsibility here. You chose him and allowed this all to happen. You are now playing the martyr. If you can change and learn (you were stupid, right???) perhaps others can too... such as their father.

And once they're "much older" they can figure out what they want and how they feel about him on their own.

Just food for thought.

I did not allow him to come to my house stoned out of his mind. To prevent that I had already filed a protective order against him because he was stalking me on campus and later had ripped a necklace off my neck and broke my glasses. That is how he ended up with a violation of a protective order. The police couldn't do anything about the beating he gave me because he took off and in order to get charged with violation the person has to be seen and caught. He was later charged with domestic abuse for beating his girlfriend up and breaking her jaw. These "experiences" of mine are not something I want my children to have to endure themselves. Because what happens if he were to beat them and they hold it against me for letting them go? Or even worse and he takes them to a party and they get raped? Both domestic abuse AND rape charges have been brought against him. The judge that ordered the visitation won't have to live with it...I will.

again, you really may want to rethink airing all of his past. I am by no means saying what he did was right or acceptable, but should this go to court, you are slinging quite a bit of mud here, publicly. I am sorry those things happened to you.

This. Everything you post is now public. You've posted partials of his incarceration records, you posted your side of the story very publically in an effort to determine and obtain a "yes of course you are right" response from us. All of this should it be accessed and discovered will work against you in court.

and again, you are deliberately missing the point in order to "prove" you are right.

NO ONE said you can't do everything in your legal power to protect those kids, however you can not and should not speak badly of him to them. They need to determine their relationship with him themselves, without your opinion and feelings coloring the situation.

Talk to your lawyer, they will help you navigate this. But do NOT speak ill of him to them, do not color their opinions of him.

Protect them through the law and court orders and visitation orders sure. But don't malign him.

You're making yourself look quite questionable through all of this.

Case in point: My daughters father has had some questionable behaviour in the past, I have had to work with the courts and various agencies to ensure her protection. I do not tell her why, I just tell her that her father, myself and the authorities made these decisions for her well being and she should trust that. She does. She trusts implicitly that we all work to keep her safe.

I do not tell her what he's done, I do not tell her what I feel about what he's done, I highly doubt HE will ever tell her what he's done. And the authorites have made it clear that in order to ensure my maximum primary custody potential, that I have to follow the law to the letter, which I do. That includes supporting his right to access while still protecting her. It's a fine line, but it has to be walked.

It's that simple and no matter how many "examples" of his past behaviour that you air, it doesn't change your role and job in this. You are to support his right to a relationship while at the same time protecting them. AKA talk to lawyer and take control of your end of the situation and quit this public display.

Simple.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

again, you really may want to rethink airing all of his past. I am by no means saying what he did was right or acceptable, but should this go to court, you are slinging quite a bit of mud here, publicly. I am sorry those things happened to you.

This. Everything you post is now public. You've posted partials of his incarceration records, you posted your side of the story very publically in an effort to determine and obtain a "yes of course you are right" response from us. All of this should it be accessed and discovered will work against you in court.

and again, you are deliberately missing the point in order to "prove" you are right.

NO ONE said you can't do everything in your legal power to protect those kids, however you can not and should not speak badly of him to them. They need to determine their relationship with him themselves, without your opinion and feelings coloring the situation.

Talk to your lawyer, they will help you navigate this. But do NOT speak ill of him to them, do not color their opinions of him.

Protect them through the law and court orders and visitation orders sure. But don't malign him.

You're making yourself look quite questionable through all of this.

Case in point: My daughters father has had some questionable behaviour in the past, I have had to work with the courts and various agencies to ensure her protection. I do not tell her why, I just tell her that her father, myself and the authorities made these decisions for her well being and she should trust that. She does. She trusts implicitly that we all work to keep her safe.

I do not tell her what he's done, I do not tell her what I feel about what he's done, I highly doubt HE will ever tell her what he's done. And the authorites have made it clear that in order to ensure my maximum primary custody potential, that I have to follow the law to the letter, which I do. That includes supporting his right to access while still protecting her. It's a fine line, but it has to be walked.

It's that simple and no matter how many "examples" of his past behaviour that you air, it doesn't change your role and job in this. You are to support his right to a relationship while at the same time protecting them. AKA talk to lawyer and take control of your end of the situation and quit this public display.

Simple.

So agree! My ex beat me, but that does not mean he would ever lay a hand on our daughter, nor does she need to know. She also doesn't need to know what his incarceration records entail or the drugs he's done in the past, unless he decides to tell her one day. Thankfully, my ex grew up and there is a chance yours did, too, OP. Just remember, we ALL have a past and chances are much of it, we aren't proud of.

Hexahedra

I am no lawyer, but I have never heard of any court forcing children to visit their parents in prison. It's one thing for him to request visitation, it's another thing entirely to bring the children to jail.

While it's not a good idea to completely isolate your children from their biological father and withhold all information about him, it's not a good idea either to reveal all his dirt this time. Wait until they're adults before you reveal all the facts about him. You need to make them aware that they have a biological father in prison, and that they will someday need to deal with him. However, you have no obligation to take them to prison, especially if you suspect that he wants the children to show up just to garner sympathy from the parole board.

When he's all free he can file through the court for visitation, but until then you don't need to let him come over. If he truly wants to visit, he will get an honest job, retain a lawyer to go to court, and pay child support. If he has proven that he can take care of himself, then his children deserves the chance to know him.

corn63

In my state at least you cannot interfere with a parent's right to see their children, even if they do not pay child support. You need to see a lawyer to help you set up the bare minimum of visitation if or when it becomes necessary.

1. Do your kids know that the man who is raising them is not their biological father? If not, you need to break it to them soon.
2. Do not take your kids to meet this man in prison. I'm sure any judge would see that is not in the best interest of the children nor would it be a good way to foster a relationship with a dad they never knew.
3. If he gets out on parole, there are programs that will help with supervised visitation, which is where any contact with their bio dad should start.

1. Yes, they know he isn't their biological father.
2. I don't want them to meet him at all.

What your saying is I should let him back into their lives after 10 and 7 years of not caring enough to make a phone call?

Honestly, it's not your call. You chose him as their father. If you didn't want him to continue being their father, you should have his rights terminated. The things that he did, have no bearing on him as a parent. Especially now being incarcerated. I would simply ask them, "Would you like to go and see your dad? He's in prison and that's kind of a scary place, but if you want to see him, I'll take you." They should at least have the opportunity to say yes or no. Regardless of what your feelings are. You chose him as their father. You need to allow your children to form their own opinion of their Dad. Kids are smart. Allow your kids to be smart. And ABSOLUTELY DO NOT tell them any of the bad things he's done/been done to him. It's NONE of their business. Some day, they might ask, then you'll have that bridge to cross, but don't offer up that information. Once again, you chose him.

pseudomuffin

He has a parole hearing coming up? And "suddenly" wants to see his kids? Sounds like he's using you and the kids to make sure he gives a good impression so he gets parole.

You have done an amazing job with your kids! You should be so proud! You have a lovely family unit now - please don't let him blow it apart. He will never change. Ever. :flowerforyou:

This.

A lot of people in this thread are pulling the Devil's advocate card but from everything OP has said (he beat her severely once because she had a different car in the driveway and almost lost her youngest?? Did anyone read that??) I don't think any court would make you share your kids' time with him, biological father or no, especially because he's a felon. It might even give the girls abandonment issues they wouldn't have had before if he shows up for a while, plays "good dad" for a few months, and then ignores them again because it no longer suits his selfish needs.

odusgolp

I sincerely think your children would benefit from having a completely unbiased therapist to talk to.


I also think you would greatly benefit from seeking counseling.


Best of luck to you all...

UsedToBeHusky

He has a parole hearing coming up? And "suddenly" wants to see his kids? Sounds like he's using you and the kids to make sure he gives a good impression so he gets parole.

You have done an amazing job with your kids! You should be so proud! You have a lovely family unit now - please don't let him blow it apart. He will never change. Ever. :flowerforyou:

This.

A lot of people in this thread are pulling the Devil's advocate card but from everything OP has said (he beat her severely once because she had a different car in the driveway and almost lost her youngest?? Did anyone read that??) I don't think any court would make you share your kids' time with him, biological father or no, especially because he's a felon. It might even give the girls abandonment issues they wouldn't have had before if he shows up for a while, plays "good dad" for a few months, and then ignores them again because it no longer suits his selfish needs.

Oh, so this! ^^^

CarmenSRT

At some point the girls are likely to become curious about their heritage on their biological father's side. If he has changed the only way to find out is to see what he has to say. If he hasn't changed he'll just disappear again, and the problem will be solved. As others have pointed out, unless he has abused the kids (and sometimes even then) the courts will side with his right to visitation. Don't be one of THOSE custodial parents. It never ends up being good for the kids.

Pixi_Rex

My husband is hurt as well. Him and the girls have an amazing bond and he doesn't find it beneficial for the girls to meet and get to know someone so unstable and who knows what else.

I did not read the responses because what I did read I found there is a lot of crazy in here and I didn't want to get lost in the crazy underground garage.

This statement though, your new husband can be hurt all he wants to be, he has a relationship with the girls which is awesome and trust me it wont get lost but this man is their father and just because he made some piss poor decisions and choices in his life which landed him in jail does not take away from the fact that he is their father. Have you talked to your children about the situation (are they old enough to understand the situation?) Maybe they do want to know who their father is and have never brought it up because they don't know how. Just because you do not want them to meet him does not give you any right to keep that from them.

He may not be a model citizen (obviously) but look at you airing all of this on the internet. you do know it is searchable and if he peruses any kind of legal action to get visitation rights to his kids any lawyer will be able to find this and see just how wonderful you can be as well, and it can and probably will be used against you.

Have you sought out therapy? I mean seriously it can be beneficial in this case.

mariposa224

I guess I just always assumed that since there was no legal visitation in order I could control when and if he ever saw them. I had a police officer tell me once that I could file kidnapping charges against him for taking my children without my consent since he didn't have a court order to see them and they didn't know who he was.

He was likely very wrong. When my ex husband left me and took our infant son, there was nothing I could do about it. There were no papers wither way and until we went to court, I couldn't see him. I was told that, even in regards to children, possession is nine-tenths of the law, basically. You need to talk to an attorney.

RBXChas

I guess I just always assumed that since there was no legal visitation in order I could control when and if he ever saw them. I had a police officer tell me once that I could file kidnapping charges against him for taking my children without my consent since he didn't have a court order to see them and they didn't know who he was.

He was likely very wrong. When my ex husband left me and took our infant son, there was nothing I could do about it. There were no papers wither way and until we went to court, I couldn't see him. I was told that, even in regards to children, possession is nine-tenths of the law, basically. You need to talk to an attorney.

Where I practice, both parents have an equal right to physical custody in the absence of a court order dictating otherwise. So my husband could disappear with our kids tomorrow (or vice versa), and there's nothing I could do about it until I had an order in hand requiring him to return them.

The police officer was, I'm sure, trying to be helpful. S/he may have been under the impression that you had a court order. I see it a lot with my clients, that a cop tells them something about the law and they assume it (or their interpretation of what the cop actually said) is true. It's unfortunate because the law dictates their job, but it's hard for them to judge what laws apply (and how) based on what they see and are told at that particular moment. It's a hard job that they do.

As has been said many times, your best bet is to talk to an attorney licensed to practice in your state.

ldrosophila

I think those who say make sure you talk to an attorney and then let him pursue this have given you a good direction.

CorvusCorax77

You need to do two things ASAP:

(1) Speak to an attorney; and,

(2) get counseling for your family, including the children and you, to help you work this stuff out. You shouldn't be posting all of this on MFP with pics of your kids in your profile. TMI on the internets, searchable by Google.