Kids or no kids?

ostrichagain

I think I can understand where you're coming from on this. If the fear of gaining weight is holding you back, I think it is wise to wait.

One thing to keep in mind. You will never know real fear until you have children. If you think a fear of gaining weight and the anxiety that comes with it is bad, just wait until a piece of your heart is walking around in a dangerous world. You'll face fear that will gut you.

pastryari

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.

Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.

what are your reasons for completely disagreeing? also if someone isn't 100% sure and they accidently get pregnant should they have an abortion because they aren't sure? This isn't a perfect world and people accidently get pregnant all the time so that would be a lot of abortions if you have to be 100%.

I would agree with you but that would be in a perfect world. I wish it were that easy

Accidental pregnancy is completely different than purposely getting pregnant when unsure if a baby is even wanted.

okay I'll take that off the table for now and swing back around and pick it up after you tell me, what were your reasons for completely disagreeing? You skipped over that part.

I'm working, my answers will be short.

I believe that you should be 100% sure before deciding to purposefully bring a human being into this world. If something like getting fat (which is what OP is concerned about here) matters enough to make you unsure, then I don't believe that person should have children.

I do agree that the OP prob shouldn't have kids until she works that out, However I don't believe you have to be 100% sure you want to have kids before you do it. As long as you know that you want to have kids more than you don't, it's ok to be a little unsure it's a big decision and only natural to be apprehensive to an experience/huge responsibility you have never had before as long as you know what you have to do when you have them and are willing to make the commitment to do it, that you will be willing to love, take care of and raise them into contributing members of society. Just because someone isn't 100% sure because they are nervous or apprehensive doesn't mean they won't make a great parent. Besides that 100% can change to not 100% after you have them. There are no certainties in life.

We're talking about the OP and you keep bringing up other circustances that are not relevant throughout this thread.

I still disagree with you but you're most certainly allowed to have your opinion and I respect that.

dubble13

Adopt.

bubaluboo

If you "don't know" and aren't 100% sure, DON'T HAVE KIDS.

Seriously. The fact that you had to ask, just don't.

I have to say I don't agree, my mother didn't know if she wanted kids when she got pregnant, but said after she had us she definately wanted us and is an experience she would never change, she also is/was an excellent mother and I really wouldn't trade her for any other mother on the planet. How about if you don't have a job or means to support a child, are addicted to drugs, abuse anything, or only care about and take care of yourself DONT HAVE KIDS. Just because someone isn't sure if they want kids doesn't mean they don't want kids or wouldn't be an awesome parent. It's a hell of a lot of responsibility of course some people (ESPECIALLY responsible ones that would probably make great parents) would waiver back and forth in their thought process about it, at least it shows they care about the decision and it's important to them. Life's important decisions are not black and white, and there isn't always an easy answer that you're 100% sure about.

Glad that your mother says it worked out for her. I still stand by what I said and I completely disagree with you.

what are your reasons for completely disagreeing? also if someone isn't 100% sure and they accidently get pregnant should they have an abortion because they aren't sure? This isn't a perfect world and people accidently get pregnant all the time so that would be a lot of abortions if you have to be 100%.

I would agree with you but that would be in a perfect world. I wish it were that easy

Accidental pregnancy is completely different than purposely getting pregnant when unsure if a baby is even wanted.

okay I'll take that off the table for now and swing back around and pick it up after you tell me, what were your reasons for completely disagreeing? You skipped over that part.

I'm working, my answers will be short.

I believe that you should be 100% sure before deciding to purposefully bring a human being into this world. If something like getting fat (which is what OP is concerned about here) matters enough to make you unsure, then I don't believe that person should have children.

I do agree that the OP prob shouldn't have kids until she works that out, However I don't believe you have to be 100% sure you want to have kids before you do it. As long as you know that you want to have kids more than you don't, it's ok to be a little unsure it's a big decision and only natural to be apprehensive to an experience/huge responsibility you have never had before as long as you know what you have to do when you have them and are willing to make the commitment to do it, that you will be willing to love, take care of and raise them into contributing members of society. Just because someone isn't 100% sure because they are nervous or apprehensive doesn't mean they won't make a great parent. Besides that 100% can change to not 100% after you have them. There are no certainties in life.

We're talking about the OP and you keep bringing up other circustances that are not relevant throughout this thread.

I still disagree with you but you're most certainly allowed to have your opinion and I respect that.

The way I read the OP (and in her own words) 'I want to have kids' but past bullying has made her very wary of gaining weight again. Totally understandable and not just a vanity decision. So the not being 100% sure has nothing to do with not wanting a baby and everything to do with not wanting to feel despised by bullies and perhaps herself too if she ends up gaining weight.

Lobster1987

It absolutely pisses me off when people (ESPECIALLY the childless by choice people) say that they don't have kids for selfish reasons. It's NOT selfish to enjoy sleeping in or to not want added responsibilities. You had no obligation to change from the beginning so it's not selfish to begin with...once you do produce children and continue that behavior, THEN it would be considered selfish because you have others to think about. UGH!

I'm adamantly childless by choice. I have an awesome OB/GYN, who is supportive and gave me a tubal ligation at 25 (flame away, haters!). I like SOME children... I think my fiancé and I would make awesome parents, but we have absolutely no desire to parent. It's a tough job and it should only be for people who are dedicated, who are responsible and are willing to make sacrifices. It's a lot of work!

OP, change your thinking a little bit. I think you need some counseling to address some body image and self-worth issues. There is NO SHAME in that! Perhaps then you'll be ready to have children of your own.

If the idea of pregnancy still gives you the heebie jeebies, and you still want to be a parent, there are plenty of children in the world without parents and would love a safe and loving home.

Good luck!

gigglesinthesun

what does your husband or partner think? It takes two after all.

KANGOOJUMPS

kids are evil

brackenquilldancer

I dont want kids, for the reason that, well, I just dont to have children! Its your choice, just make sure its the right choice.

onandoff

Better to think about the whole children issue (to have or not to have) than to bring a baby into this world because it just HAPPENED... Just watch Idiocracy and will know what I mean.

LumpySpacePrincess1

If your body is more important to you than motherhood, don't have kids.
Obviously as witnessed time and time again you can still have an awesome body after giving birth, but if that's something you're not mentally prepared for then don't go there.
There's nothing selfish about not wanting kids, it's selfish to have kids you don't want just so you can tick it off your bucket list.
However you come off to me as seriously wanting children but you're stuck cause you're battling a long imbedded fat phobia.
I'd suggest seeing a therapist. It's not healthy to have your life paralysed by fat cells.

Hildy_J

If you want the kids, take the leap of faith and have the kids. And cut loose the people criticising you. The whole pregnancy/motherhood thing is a scary prospect and not just the weight gain...

I think the fact that you are working through your anxieties means that you are coming to terms with it. Preparing yourself. Which is far more realistic than thinking: 'It'll be fine, it'll be easy' and then having a HUGE shock when the baby rocks up and takes over.

SkinnyWannabeGal

OP, I understand where you are coming from. My family has tortured me about my weight my entire life. I am also 5'5 and they believe that someone our height should not weigh more than 90 lbs. They gave me hell when I was 115 lbs. I never thought I wanted kids, buy when I fell in love and had one, it truly was the greatest joy of all. I still miss my pre-baby body, but to me it was more than worth it. However, I was mentally prepared to have a child because I was with a man who made me feel comfortable in my own skin and he loved my body no matter what. I wouldn't trade my child in for anything.

Fozzi43

If you feel like that, then don't have them. I was never going to have kids or get married and I was 30 when I got married, so had a single life for a while.

FYI I look better now after having my son nearly 11 years ago and I'm now 44 than when I was in my 20s.

Kids are great..I just hope you don't regret your decision when you're too old to have them.

crb0077

I don't believe that 'because I'll get fat' is a valid reason for not having kids! Because I don't have the time/extra love to share/money may be valid reasons - even although all of that slots naturally into place when they do arrive, you do have more love and the money thing just works out!!

I've had two children 6 years apart and they've done nothing but wonders for my body.....I lost weight after each and they kept me in shape with the running around after them, carrying them etc, I was at my slimmest for the year after each baby was born. A lot of mums to be overeat because they're pregnant and it's an excuse to.... it isn't and neither is it an excuse to sit on your butt for 9 months. It's a big decision to make and one that shouldn't be taken with a pinch of salt...it's another life to look after. I find the whole thing rewarding and don't regret either of mine!

I know I was lucky to get back in my skinny jeans the day after I gave birth, I have friends who weren't so fortunate and are still carrying the babyweight 2 years on....they are the people who did tend to sit around and eat crap all day!

I hope you manage to sort out your worries! x

justanotherloser007

1) Now, you feel ready for kids.
2) You are sick of being bullied for your weight for your entire life, and now fear more bullying for weight reasons after baby.

These seem like two different issues since the bullying has been a constant. Will your family suddenly bully you worse after kids?

When you say you feel ready for kids, I hear that biological clock ticking! I felt ready for kids the day I married the man of my life. Life however had different plans. I have been barren with no discernable reason for infertility. My maternal instinct has been on hyperdrive since my wedding day. For us, adoption was pretty scary because of legal and monetary reasons. Fears that we would adopt a child, then have it taken away. I was down for foster kids, but my hubby just didn't think he could live with constantly losing children he would love with all his heart. Now that I am 40, my maternal instinct is only getting worse! How cruel is that? Oh, I have never conceived - but that doesn't stop the mothering I want to do and end up doing in inappropriate places. Some days I think I would freakin mother a rock!

You really can't argue with instincts either. I am hoping that now that we are older, maybe the hubby will be okay with adopting older kids. Usually by 7 yo children are non-contested AND rarely adopted. And since I am 40, it would seem like I had the children a while ago - no one would really know they weren't biologically mine. I just want you to know what it can be like to want and not have. I think I am the only one who has this problem on this thread, story of my life.

When you adopt, will the bully's still attack you - then decide to attack your kids too? Might be time to drop the bullys no matter what you do. A hostile environment for you, would be a hostile environment for your future children. If you don't drop the bullys for you, can you do it for them?

forjaneuk

I have never felt compelled to reply to any messages on here, but this topic struck a nerve and I just had to write. I have recently turned 50 - and all of my life all I ever wanted was to settle down and have children - I always had a good job etc - but would have happily given up work to support a husband's career and nurture our children. Sadly I never found a man worthy and wasn't in a position to have a child on my own - I wasn't prepared to rely on benefits. As the years go on, people would say "you never know what's around the corner", "there's someone for everyone" - those old cliches - but call me choosey, but he never came along - not even Mr Nearly - there were times during my late 20's, 30's and 40's when it seemed everyone was pregnant, getting engaged, married etc - my own nieces and nephews all settling down and having families - and I was always happy to see everyone's lives so happy and complete but just wished mine was too. Now at the age of 50 I know that I have now missed out on the biggest experience that a woman can ever have - I have never heard any woman say they regretted having their little ones. I am now a childminder - and am in a job I absolutely love - the children are lovely - and whilst they go some way to satisfying my nurturing and caring instinct, they will never, ever be able to fill that regret that I have. If I had my mine again (isn't hindsight wonderful) I would indeed have had a child - alone if ncessary, come what may. Mother Nature is incredibly cruel to give women such a limit regarding fertility - don't let those years go by if you want children ... you won't get a second chance.

Boogage

It's ok not to want kids. It's your body and your decision. You've got time to think about this properly and change your mind if you want to in the future. Personally my only real regret is having my first so young but I was told I'd never be able to have kids so when I fell pregnant it was a shock! As my pregnancy progressed I grew to love my baby but I can't say everyone would deal with the surprise so well. I do feel like my babies ruined my body but then I did choose to try and have a lot lol. One of the reasons I'm working so hard to lose the weight now is so that if I have another baby some day, I can have a perfect round bump rather than a fat lumpy bump

Athijade

I don't believe that 'because I'll get fat' is a valid reason for not having kids! Because I don't have the time/extra love to share/money may be valid reasons - even although all of that slots naturally into place when they do arrive, you do have more love and the money thing just works out!!
o fortunate and are still carrying the babyweight 2 years on....they are the people who did tend to sit around and eat crap all day!

ANY reason is a valid reason to not have kids.

And I am sorry, but the people who say "Oh, you are only XX age and will feel differently in 5 years" or "You just don't know what having a child is like so you should have them and then you will see" peeve me off like no one else. Sorry, I have known I have not wanted kids since I was in my teens. I am now 31. I like kids. I love my nieces and nephews. I would die for them. But HAVING kids of my own is not in my life plan. I am not going to change my mind in 5 years when I have felt the same way for 15 years.

Plus, the argument of "You don't have kids, you could never know" is old. And false. I don't need to have kids to know love. I don't need to have kids to know the changes that would happen in my life. I don't need to have kids to know the responsibility.

Kids are not for everyone. Anyone who seems to think otherwise is just wrong... and if they voice that to someone else then they are just rude jerks. Get out of my life and my reproductive wants.

Mamakatspokane

You should never have kids if your not sure. Kids are 110% commitment and I commend anyone who admits that they don't want kids. People have kids because it's "what they are supposed to do". I was born to be a Mom, it's all I ever wanted, I give my kids my everything BUT that's what I want, not what other people want. You know if you want kids or not. Don't take other's opinions on the matter, it is a personal choice between you and your SO. If you REALLY want kids and ONLY aren't having them for the "fat" reason then you might want to talk to a professional...but if fat is just one of lots of reasons then don't do it. It's rest of your life commitment so please be sure.

Minks_esposa

I never wanted kids and then SURPRISE, I'm PREGNANT! lol Now we have 3 kiddos. Zero regrets. My house would be boring without my kiddos running around, especially since my husband is always away (military) trying to save the world. Yes sometimes I can't stand them about 5% of the time but that's normal, heck sometimes I feel that way about my husband of 10 yrs. Now that I have kids I couldn't imagine my life without them. I also look forward to the day when they will have their own families and we can all have holiday dinners and gatherings. I grew up in a large family. Plus I love large historic houses and I couldn't imagine living in a 4000+ sqft house with 6 bdrms and no kids to occupy them, it would feel so empty. Of course we would have more money to spend on material things but IMO no material object can fill my heart like being a mom and seeing smiles on my kids faces every morning and knowing that me and my husband created them. I do realize that having kids isn't for everyone and I respect that. Most of the people that I know who were child free, they now have kid(s). My aunt waited until late 40s before deciding she wanted a child.