FWB ignored me at bar ...

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  • MandaPaigeSparkles88
    MandaPaigeSparkles88 Posts: 1,289 Member
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    I know exactly what you are going through. I have been there myself a few times. That's why I try to stay away from having friends with benefits because I am not gonna lie I have attachment issues and when I see a guy I am FWB with with someone else a part of me gets jealous, mad, the whole nine yards. Maybe he honestly didn't see you there. I wouldn't jump to some big major conclusions. If you don't want him back just let it go. Just don't make the situation worse by getting mad. Like I stated maybe he really didn't see you there.
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
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    This may sound harsh, and perhaps old fashioned, but please understand there's absolutely no judgment here......But if you already disrespected yourself by sleeping with him only a couple weeks in to your "friends with benefits" relationship, what did you honestly think would happen? You forfeited any rights to his respect in return. I am truly sorry if this is painful, but you asked.

    Many people will try to argue this as "back in the days" times. But it is what it is, and no amount of arguing will change it. Intimacy is for married couples, it is Biblical, and the way God intended it to be saved for.

    Now having said that, you ended things with him, and rightly so, why would you let him get to you, and worse yet, let him know he got to you?

    You deserve to find someone whom shares your same values, someone whom will treat you right, and in turn, you treat him right as well. A relationship takes a lot of understanding, communication, and give and take. Hopefully you do things differently next time.

    Best Wishes to you.

    There is tons of judgment here. Saying there isn't doesn't make it true. Not everyone has your god or your beliefs, so approaching it from such a narrow, judgmental view really doesn't benefit much. Sleeping with someone does not mean you don't have a right to respect. It means you screwed someone. Big deal.

    And intimacy is for married couples only? ROFL. Right. Again, if that is YOUR belief, that is great...for YOU. You hold yourself to that standard, but don't judge the rest of us. I'm in a committed relationship and have been for over 11 years, but we're not legally married.

    We shouldn't guilt others for liking sex. Her fault in this isn't having sex. Her fault in this is in hoping for a relationship that wasn't desired or agreed upon. She went into it knowing that and then hoped it would change, for lots of reasons that have been discussed here, and that didn't happen. She continued to make her emotional situation worse by re-entering into this. For lots of us, this would not have been an issue - a FWB is a FWB, period, but for her, it was a 'hopeful' thing for something more, something not reciprocated. Yes, she should be strong and not put herself in this position, but let me be very clear - I'm not saying she shouldn't have sex or intimacy without marriage - I'm not putting those judgments on it like you are. Let's get rid of the guilt. Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should :)
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
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    The whole notion that a man won't respect a woman for having sex with him when he clearly wants her to have sex with him is asinine. What are we supposed to do? Make up some lame 5 date rule? Yeah, news flash, women like sex too! Amazing I know. Oh, wait we are supposed to wait until marriage so he'll respect us? What if I won't respect him unless he puts out immediately? Why is everything dictated by his preferences? Sex is fun. Sex is natural. Quit making it so taboo.

    But yes, the OP made a mistake in developing feelings for someone in-spite of the fact that he clearly expressed he did not share the same feelings. I does happen. The correct thing to do was, yes, discuss it when the feelings start, if the other person doesn't feel the same stop all activities. Communication. Open-ness. No games. Having adult relationships really isn't difficult.

    Or I suppose I could have saved all my typing and just quoted this one and said, yeah, this!
  • deksgrl
    deksgrl Posts: 7,237 Member
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    Oh, one more thought. To prevent making same mistakes in future. People's actions have to match up with their words. Just because he said or you said, "we're friends" doesn't actually make it so. People have to follow through with actions that match their words, or else, guess what, they are just words that don't mean anything.
  • ginchrst
    ginchrst Posts: 49
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    The whole notion that a man won't respect a woman for having sex with him when he clearly wants her to have sex with him is asinine. What are we supposed to do? Make up some lame 5 date rule? Yeah, news flash, women like sex too! Amazing I know. Oh, wait we are supposed to wait until marriage so he'll respect us? What if I won't respect him unless he puts out immediately? Why is everything dictated by his preferences? Sex is fun. Sex is natural. Quit making it so taboo.

    But yes, the OP made a mistake in developing feelings for someone in-spite of the fact that he clearly expressed he did not share the same feelings. I does happen. The correct thing to do was, yes, discuss it when the feelings start, if the other person doesn't feel the same stop all activities. Communication. Open-ness. No games. Having adult relationships really isn't difficult.

    Yes, I had needs and he fulfilled them immensely ... didn't have rules about it per say! It wasn't a one-night stand and when I did want more & he didn't I should've walked away & should've ignored his contact going fwd! I didn't cause I did develop those intense feelings ... not made for a fwb type relationship!
  • ginchrst
    ginchrst Posts: 49
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    Oh, one more thought. To prevent making same mistakes in future. People's actions have to match up with their words. Just because he said or you said, "we're friends" doesn't actually make it so. People have to follow through with actions that match their words, or else, guess what, they are just words that don't mean anything.

    I agree! I showed him that I was a real friend, was there for him and not just the physical aspect of what we had! I was his TRUE friend and in the end ... he wasn't mine.
  • admegamo
    admegamo Posts: 175 Member
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    I don't understand why you would want him to say hi to after all that happened. If he wanted you as his girlfriend he would have done so. You ended things because you lived with it too long. Since it was ended, he had no reason to talk to you.
  • LynzeNichole
    LynzeNichole Posts: 43
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    I don't understand why you would want him to say hi to after all that happened. If he wanted you as his girlfriend he would have done so. You ended things because you lived with it too long. Since it was ended, he had no reason to talk to you.

    ^^ Agreed, I proabably would have been pretty rude to him if he did come up to me thinking we were friends.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    Oh, one more thought. To prevent making same mistakes in future. People's actions have to match up with their words. Just because he said or you said, "we're friends" doesn't actually make it so. People have to follow through with actions that match their words, or else, guess what, they are just words that don't mean anything.

    I agree! I showed him that I was a real friend, was there for him and not just the physical aspect of what we had! I was his TRUE friend and in the end ... he wasn't mine.

    Beyond giving him sexual pleasure,which at least in part,had an ulterior motive how were you the true friend?
    I am not being mean but is it not possible upon discovering what you were doing he might not think the friendship was so honorable or honest?
  • Mizzhill
    Mizzhill Posts: 33 Member
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    This topic is a mistake most tender heart people make. Don't let people in who just wants to play games with your heart.:heart:

    However, the sub comments made this post very entertaining! :bigsmile:
  • ginchrst
    ginchrst Posts: 49
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    I didn't read the whole thread so probably repeating here. Sounds like he's mates with the OP's brother in law & probably doesn't want to make thing's complicated in his friendship with him. If you have to bring up the question of "are we in a relationship" after 2years chances are you already know you aren't in one. If after 2 years he's not involved in your life, friendships, met family members (if you are close to them), or spends any time outside the bedroom with you then it's not a relationship. Men/women might say they aren't in the market for being involved with someone, but unfortunately that actually translates to they aren't into a relationship with the person doing the asking.

    You said you cut off contact with him but then got offended when he didn't talk to you. He probably didn't want to cause a scene by coming over to talk to you. For all he knew he was going to end up with a pint dumped on his head.

    You know I honestly didn't think of that whole "he was actually following what i said" rule! Just walking right by me was like wow ... really??? he actually hasn't been in my bro-n-law's place since everything had come out, so him being there friday was weird and he said he was in there sunday as well!
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,026 Member
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    This topic is a mistake most tender heart people make. Don't let people in who just wants to play games with your heart.:heart:

    However, the sub comments made this post very entertaining! :bigsmile:

    He was never playing games.
  • ginchrst
    ginchrst Posts: 49
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    Oh, one more thought. To prevent making same mistakes in future. People's actions have to match up with their words. Just because he said or you said, "we're friends" doesn't actually make it so. People have to follow through with actions that match their words, or else, guess what, they are just words that don't mean anything.

    I agree! I showed him that I was a real friend, was there for him and not just the physical aspect of what we had! I was his TRUE friend and in the end ... he wasn't mine.


    Beyond giving him sexual pleasure,which at least in part,had an ulterior motive how were you the true friend?
    I am not being mean but is it not possible upon discovering what you were doing he might not think the friendship was so honorable or honest?

    So you think maybe he thought the depth of my friendship was only sexually motivated?
  • hookilau
    hookilau Posts: 3,134 Member
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    1. He is not into you.
    2. You need to put HIM on ignore.

    NEVER do friends with benefits if it's not what you really want.

    Amen. Let it alone. He's 'told' you with his actions how this was gonna go :ohwell:
    Take the hint and let it go.
  • ginchrst
    ginchrst Posts: 49
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    I don't understand why you would want him to say hi to after all that happened. If he wanted you as his girlfriend he would have done so. You ended things because you lived with it too long. Since it was ended, he had no reason to talk to you.

    It's not that I went out of my way to be where I knew he'd be, it was a mutual local place where we met and happened to be there at the same time. I didn't get in his face and tell him you better say hi to me, but having him walk right be w/out acknowledging was just a lil sad for me. I guess it made me realize what it's all come to in the end!
  • BusyRaeNOTBusty
    BusyRaeNOTBusty Posts: 7,166 Member
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    OP:

    This is what you need to do:

    1. Delete his phone number from your phone. If he ever calls or text, do not answer, delete immediately.

    2. If you see him in public and you happen to make eye contact. Smile, wave, nod or say "hi", like a normal adult. Then proceed to ignore him for the rest of the evening.

    3. Move on with your life. Realize that FWB is not an arrangement that works for you. Don't try it again. Realize that this rejection has nothing to do with your self worth.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    Oh, one more thought. To prevent making same mistakes in future. People's actions have to match up with their words. Just because he said or you said, "we're friends" doesn't actually make it so. People have to follow through with actions that match their words, or else, guess what, they are just words that don't mean anything.

    I agree! I showed him that I was a real friend, was there for him and not just the physical aspect of what we had! I was his TRUE friend and in the end ... he wasn't mine.


    Beyond giving him sexual pleasure,which at least in part,had an ulterior motive how were you the true friend?
    I am not being mean but is it not possible upon discovering what you were doing he might not think the friendship was so honorable or honest?

    So you think maybe he thought the depth of my friendship was only sexually motivated?

    No,I think you are continuing to operate from the assumption that all you wanted should have been clear to him when there is no real reason it should have been.
    in an attempt to give yourself solace you seek to stake out a higher "moral" position when in reality no such place likely exists.
    If he had legitimate reason to think it was completely nothing more then sexual contact between two people who were amiable acquaintances and nothing more then it is you who violated the trust for lack of a better word.

    It does not make you a terrible person,it is not for everyone but you aren`t going to get by it by trying to shift the fault of its failing if not legitimate to do so.
  • highervibes
    highervibes Posts: 2,219 Member
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    how did I miss this one?!
  • DamePiglet
    DamePiglet Posts: 3,730 Member
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    Oh, one more thought. To prevent making same mistakes in future. People's actions have to match up with their words. Just because he said or you said, "we're friends" doesn't actually make it so. People have to follow through with actions that match their words, or else, guess what, they are just words that don't mean anything.

    I agree! I showed him that I was a real friend, was there for him and not just the physical aspect of what we had! I was his TRUE friend and in the end ... he wasn't mine.


    Beyond giving him sexual pleasure,which at least in part,had an ulterior motive how were you the true friend?
    I am not being mean but is it not possible upon discovering what you were doing he might not think the friendship was so honorable or honest?

    So you think maybe he thought the depth of my friendship was only sexually motivated?

    NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
    It wasn't your FRIENDSHIP he contemplated the depth of. MOVE ON!!!
    I'm not trying to be mean but you're only going to hurt yourself more!!!
  • elenathegreat
    elenathegreat Posts: 3,988 Member
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    Let me give a little background here --
    -- we met Aug 2011 at my bro-n-law's bar, exchanged numbers, hit it off, and strarted talking immediately. We became physical a fews weeks into talking and it was immediate chemistry. Three months into it I brought up the "relationship" subj and he said he wasn't ready, blah-blah-blah. Instead of walking away like I should have we continued our casualness for another 9months and I brought it up again. He had same response, so I walked away and we said that we'd remain friends. After a few months of no contact, talking or physical he started to text casually again. Yes, I allowed him back in & I didn't bring up any relationship type talk b/c I didn't want to ... again!!! In my hopeless romantic mind I figured that he decided to come back, wanted to see me and it would progress naturally w/out harping on "the talk"!!! About 6months into us "reuniting" I heard that he brought a girl to my bro-n-law's & it was a physical date b/c the bartender working wanted to capture the moment to show us. I was lividhearing this b/c we just had a convo about honesty & if he's w/ someone in anyway let me know. I was shocked, hurt, and sad! I confronted him immediately, which is not my persoanlity type, but I had to w/ this situation. I felt so disrespected b/c what if I was there hanging out & I know he didn't owe me much w/out commitment, but basic human decensy is nice! Anyway, he acknowledged this girl saying it was an old friend he ran into, he's sorry for taking her there, didn't intend to hurt me, but doesn't mean we can't be friends. If I didn't confront him w/ what I found out he would've never told me and what, kept me on the backburner ... Def not!!! I told him that I have to end all knowing he can just push me aside after 2years, that I should've walked away first time I brought up "the talk" b/c I started developing feelings for him and it was hard. He was sad, said he was speechless and apologized yet again. I ended by saying this was something I shouldn't have allowed or settled for ... bye.

    That was over 6weeks ago ... he hasn't tried to contact me at all. Not even to say "hi, how are you?"

    Well, this past Friday I was in there w/ my sis and a couple of married male friends. My bro-n-law didn't tell me, bu t he was in there already and the way I found out was that he walked right past me. I was shocked cause I was looking straight ahead and I see his face, didn't expect that at all. I knew we would eventually be in that place at same time, but I never thought he'd outright disrespect me like that. I ended up sending him a text later saying "Thanks for not even saying Hi..." He replied next day saying "Hey sweetie! Honestly I did not see you! Sorry! Hi!!" I replied back "Hi! Hope you & girls have been well .. take care :)" I didn;t want to get into anything w/ him, just let him know he's not gonna get to me, change who I am as a true friend in the end.
    WTH did I ever do to him to be treated this way???

    Couple of questions:
    1. Why woudln't he come up & say hi to me???
    2. Do you think he's telling truth that he honestly didn't see me???

    Thanks for your time and no judgement please ... just honest advice!

    No judgement AND honest advice in the forums?!!? Really?!?

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