Relationship advice please!

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whatkatydidnext
whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
in Chit-Chat
Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me. :(

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.
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Replies

  • walleyclan1
    walleyclan1 Posts: 2,784 Member
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    No advice but lots of red flags. If he is not willing to do things the way you want, are you willing to do things his way the rest of your life? If not, may need to move on.
  • links_slayer
    links_slayer Posts: 1,151 Member
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    just break up
  • djeffreys10
    djeffreys10 Posts: 2,312 Member
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    Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that word loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.
  • teresamwhite
    teresamwhite Posts: 947 Member
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    Sounds like a man-child...he's got it pretty good from his point of view: No bills, no real obligations to hearth, home, kids or wife...gets to be with you on his own terms, but otherwise total freedom. It's apparently working for him, too.

    Some guys 9and gals) do live at home for extended periods of time...pay down debt, get an education, help their aging parents, etc...but for it to be the ideal living situation indefinitely? Not for me or my guy. But, other guys may have a different opinion -I don't claim to be an expert on the male mind!
  • honeysprinkles
    honeysprinkles Posts: 1,757 Member
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    I would move on. I'm much younger than you and even for me living at home forever would be a big deal breaker. Find someone else that loves you and is sure about their feelings for you. There are a lot of people in this world, no reason to settle and no reason to stay with someone hoping they'll change things about themselves or their situation that they probably won't!
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
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    No advice but lots of red flags. If he is not willing to do things the way you want, are you willing to do things his way the rest of your life? If not, may need to move on.

    I don't necessarily want everything done my way. I'm a big believer in compromise. It would also be nice if he moved out of home and got his own place, as I'd quite like to not be the host sometimes. He can certainly afford it, not having paid bills for the past god knows how many years!
  • 1PatientBear
    1PatientBear Posts: 2,089 Member
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    Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that work loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.

    Bingo. Time to ditch him and find someone who doesn't have a curfew, an allowance and his laundry done for him.
  • DainaLC
    DainaLC Posts: 18,937 Member
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    he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.
    [/quote]
    This is the part that would worry me!
  • yelliezx
    yelliezx Posts: 633 Member
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    Don't settle for mediocre! If he isn't making you happy then hold out for the one who will!
  • MyPureSteez
    MyPureSteez Posts: 265 Member
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    LOL you need advise?
  • webbeyes
    webbeyes Posts: 105 Member
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    In a word: yikes.

    Don't take me the wrong way when I say "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"

    I mean this in a few ways:
    - he pays no rent
    - he doesn't lift a finger
    - he's got a great girlfriend
    - he's never going to have kids (which are a lot of work too)

    He has the perfect life ... why would he spoil it by having to:
    - start paying some rent
    - maybe have to do some housework
    - not have a place to disappear to when his girlfriend asks him to do housework

    That's majorly greedy ... and downright wrong.
  • MikeGayner
    MikeGayner Posts: 2
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    Living with mum and dad at 38? Oh god this is too awesome.
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
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    Bingo. Time to ditch him and find someone who doesn't have a curfew, an allowance and his laundry done for him.

    Ha, in fairness to him, he gets none of those things.

    I hope.
  • Pixi_Rex
    Pixi_Rex Posts: 1,676 Member
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    wont tell you he loves you... wont move out of his parents house... is in his later 30's... uh... are you sure he is an adult and not an 18 year old boy?

    My only advice is break up, seriously.

    This whole situation is a big no thanks, time to move on.
  • odusgolp
    odusgolp Posts: 10,477 Member
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    What in the name of gravy ever possessed you to even date a 38 year old that lives with his parents? SMH.
  • asimmons221
    asimmons221 Posts: 294 Member
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    Him saying he doesn't love you is the biggest problem of all.
  • 1PatientBear
    1PatientBear Posts: 2,089 Member
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    Bingo. Time to ditch him and find someone who doesn't have a curfew, an allowance and his laundry done for him.

    Ha, in fairness to him, he gets none of those things.

    I hope.

    I would hope not. I was being a smart aleck to make a point. Need it spelled out a little better? Ok.....ahem....GET THE F*** OUT OF THAT "RELATIONSHIP" BEFORE YOU WIND UP WITH SOMEONE YELLING AT YOU TO PUT HIS POODLE IN THE BASKET!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
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    You know the answer in your heart of hearts. Men=simple creatures of action

    Hope your situation improves
  • sevsmom
    sevsmom Posts: 1,172 Member
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    a 38 year old man who is content to live in his parent's home (who has no known disabilities or illnesses that require constant care by a parent).....ummmmm.....ya.....NO.

    Huge Huge Huge red flags. At 35 you have time to find someone who will commit to you...at whatever level you feel comfortable. This fella....not so much.
  • whatkatydidnext
    whatkatydidnext Posts: 17
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    What in the name of gravy ever possessed you to even date a 38 year old that lives with his parents? SMH.

    He wasn't 38 when we got together and I wasn't aware of his living situation at first.

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