Relationship advice please!

elleloch

What in the name of gravy ever possessed you to even date a 38 year old that lives with his parents? SMH.

He wasn't 38 when we got together and I wasn't aware of his living situation at first.

But still.

Five years just seems like a hell of a lot of time to waste on someone like this. He sounds like a loser.

Sorry. I know the joke answer to these threads is always "just break up" but seriously... for real... BREAK UP

elainecroft

Him saying he doesn't love you is the biggest problem of all.

I know and weirdly, it's the living together thing that gets to me more. I genuinely believe that he does love me though, but he's just to emotionally stunted to realise that's how he feels. He is incredibly loving towards me. I'm sure I'll get slated for saying that though.

He can be 'loving' towards you and still be a selfish uncompromiser. Seems like everything is on his terms, so you need to decide if you are ok with how he is, because it sounds like he isn't going to change.

Ed98043

Oh dear God, I guess you've been in the monkey house so long that you don't even notice the stench anymore. Please believe all of us - it stinks to high heaven.

I know it's hard to flush 5 years down the drain but this guy is a Peter Pan of the highest order. Even if you could shoehorn him out of his parent's house and into yours, what do you think would change? Do you think he would suddenly become a responsible adult and contribute equally toward the household? No, he wouldn't. He would just expect you to take over the role of caretaker. He is lacking some of the main characteristics of a functioning adult: ambition, independence, pride in one's self, and apparently the ability to love. Start disengaging yourself from this guy immediately before you wake up and find another 5 years gone and your stock in the dating world has dropped along with it.

chunkydunk714

You need to figure out your self worth and realize you're better than dealing with a child trapped in a mans body.

heylookitsval

Dump him, find a real man!

JingleMuffin

There are some hellava good men out there.
I would know - I got lucky enough to marry one.
I would have hated to have been unhappy in a changeless situation and missed out on my life right now.
It could have happend - and im so glad it didn't
I hope happiness happens to you. whether it comes your way or you just make it happen.

BeachIron

you're dating a 38 year old child. You don't have a relationship, just play time

deksgrl

What was the question?

Really?

He doesn't want what you want, move on.

KnitSewSpin

And if he tells you he doesn't love you. He doesn't. Stop trying to convince yourself he does. That is so enabling.

Derpes

Lives with his parents....bad at relationships....sounds like George Costanza!

In all seriousness, it's time to move on - the relationship has run it's course.

odusgolp

Lives with his parents....bad at relationships....sounds like George Costanza!

In all seriousness, it's time to move on - the relationship has run it's course.

Wait... IS it George Costanza, OP? It's OK... You can tell us...

FrauHaas2013

I think you know the answer - you're just seeking validation that you will be making the right decision. (I don't mean that in a nasty way - I'm sorry if that comes across as harsh.)

He likes things the way they are and you want to move forward. Obvious incongruency, there. Are you going to hold yourself back because that's where he's comfortable, or are you going to free yourself from this situation and move on?

You can only control YOU - you can't "make" him do anything; you can only control how you respond to what he does/says. You don't need a significant other to validate you as a person - do what's best for you. Might be painful, but in the long run you'll probably be better off.

Naomi0504

you're dating a 38 year old child. You don't have a relationship, just play time

This pretty much sums it up

whatkatydidnext

I suppose I'm scared to finish things as I am so in love with him. I can't imagine ending a relationship when I feel that way. I did go through a '**** him' phase a few weeks after the talk and distanced myself for a bit and even applied for a couple of jobs miles away from home (I would have had to have relocated if successful). Things are just as they were again now though.

I'm terrible at having serious talks. It took me 4 months to build up the courage to ask him about moving in.

Bahet

Oh dear God, I guess you've been in the monkey house so long that you don't even notice the stench anymore. Please believe all of us - it stinks to high heaven.

I know it's hard to flush 5 years down the drain but this guy is a Peter Pan of the highest order. Even if you could shoehorn him out of his parent's house and into yours, what do you think would change? Do you think he would suddenly become a responsible adult and contribute equally toward the household? No, he wouldn't. He would just expect you to take over the role of caretaker. He is lacking some of the main characteristics of a functioning adult: ambition, independence, pride in one's self, and apparently the ability to love. Start disengaging yourself from this guy immediately before you wake up and find another 5 years gone and your stock in the dating world has dropped along with it.

Just thought that bore repeating.

The only time anyone should date a man over 25 who lives with his parents is if they are elderly and in poor health and he is taking care of them or if it is a very short term "My new house is not quite done but I already sold my other house so I'm living here for the next 6 weeks" sort of thing.

ldrosophila

You know the answer in your heart of hearts. Men=simple creatures of action

Hope your situation improves

that's a highly generalised and misandrist statement.

it's kind of offensive and not true.

You're probably right it is offensive, but in my experience men express their emotions by what they "DO" it's black and white. So if he hasnt taken the steps to do A or B then he probably isnt interested.

BeachIron

I suppose I'm scared to finish things as I am so in love with him. I can't imagine ending a relationship when I feel that way. I did go through a '**** him' phase a few weeks after the talk and distanced myself for a bit and even applied for a couple of jobs miles away from home (I would have had to have relocated if successful). Things are just as they were again now though.

I'm terrible at having serious talks. It took me 4 months to build up the courage to ask him about moving in.

This isn't a relationship. It is completely one sided. I hate these relationship threads because the viewpoints are always so one sided, but I think this one is pretty damn clear. You need to move on.

elleloch

I suppose I'm scared to finish things as I am so in love with him. I can't imagine ending a relationship when I feel that way. I did go through a '**** him' phase a few weeks after the talk and distanced myself for a bit and even applied for a couple of jobs miles away from home (I would have had to have relocated if successful). Things are just as they were again now though.

I'm terrible at having serious talks. It took me 4 months to build up the courage to ask him about moving in.

Listen I was with the wrong guy for six years. There is life after a dead end relationship. I promise. I know the courage is hard to find, but you gotta. You owe it to yourself and you deserve better. Believe that please because it's true.

Unknown

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whatkatydidnext

Lives with his parents....bad at relationships....sounds like George Costanza!

In all seriousness, it's time to move on - the relationship has run it's course.

Wait... IS it George Costanza, OP? It's OK... You can tell us...

Nah, I'm a Kramer girl.

iplayoutside19

making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I

You are. He maybe 38, but he's a boy mentally and emotionally.

whatkatydidnext

Listen I was with the wrong guy for six years. There is life after a dead end relationship. I promise. I know the courage is hard to find, but you gotta. You owe it to yourself and you deserve better. Believe that please because it's true.

I do understand that. I was with someone for 9 years and for half of that was unhappy and I didn't love him any more, but carried on as things 'weren't that bad'. This time though, my feelings are very different, which is why I'm so confused.

Shampres

I agree with some of the other replies that there some red flags. But the bigger picture is that you each have different visions of a future together. Five years is a long time, and you love him. I get why that's hard. But it's only going to eat away at you more and more because you aren't getting what you need.

If you decide to part ways, know that heartache heals. You have others in your support system, right? Family and friends? He's not supporting you financially and you don't have children, so you're with him by choice. You don't really NEED him to live; obviously you are a capable and independant woman. Is this relationship really, honestly making you happy? It's not about finding someone else (though you will) but it's about a relationship making your life better. It sounds like he confuses and frustrates you, and he shows no signs of compromise. Is this situation really good enough for you, for the whole rest of your life?

sevfam

run....

SemperAnticus1643

Listen I was with the wrong guy for six years. There is life after a dead end relationship. I promise. I know the courage is hard to find, but you gotta. You owe it to yourself and you deserve better. Believe that please because it's true.

I do understand that. I was with someone for 9 years and for half of that was unhappy and I didn't love him any more, but carried on as things 'weren't that bad'. This time though, my feelings are very different, which is why I'm so confused.

Sounds like the problem isn't the men you choose then. That's 14 years of bs down the drain and for what? Don't mean to be harsh but maybe you should start evaluating what you want in a "MAN" and don't accept anything less than that. Unless what you want is highly unrealistic (e.g. Edward from Twilight or some soap opera perfect guy).

elleloch

Listen I was with the wrong guy for six years. There is life after a dead end relationship. I promise. I know the courage is hard to find, but you gotta. You owe it to yourself and you deserve better. Believe that please because it's true.

I do understand that. I was with someone for 9 years and for half of that was unhappy and I didn't love him any more, but carried on as things 'weren't that bad'. This time though, my feelings are very different, which is why I'm so confused.

And are you sensing a pattern here? Because I sure as hell am.

Not trying to be a d!ck but land sakes, woman. This dude is a massive tool. Why waste your life?

whatkatydidnext

Listen I was with the wrong guy for six years. There is life after a dead end relationship. I promise. I know the courage is hard to find, but you gotta. You owe it to yourself and you deserve better. Believe that please because it's true.

I do understand that. I was with someone for 9 years and for half of that was unhappy and I didn't love him any more, but carried on as things 'weren't that bad'. This time though, my feelings are very different, which is why I'm so confused.

And are you sensing a pattern here? Because I sure as hell am.

Not trying to be a d!ck but land sakes, woman. This dude is a massive tool. Why waste your life?

They were two completely different issues though. It was my fault that I stayed in the other relationship for so long - he didn't want to break up and I broke his heart when I finished it.

deksgrl

Listen I was with the wrong guy for six years. There is life after a dead end relationship. I promise. I know the courage is hard to find, but you gotta. You owe it to yourself and you deserve better. Believe that please because it's true.

I do understand that. I was with someone for 9 years and for half of that was unhappy and I didn't love him any more, but carried on as things 'weren't that bad'. This time though, my feelings are very different, which is why I'm so confused.

Your feelings are not reciprocated, so what is the confusion? Just because you have these feelings for him does not mean he has them for you. Do you want to be in a one sided relationship?

HollisGrant

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

I can't tell you what to do, if if I were in this situation, I would end the relationship. I am an adult woman and want loving relationships with other adults -- that means a man who acts like an adult, doesn't live in a little room with mom and dad (unless they are really ill and he takes care of them), contributes to bills, is trustworthy, and wants the same things I want -- to be happy and share our lives. I would give the boot to a guy who couldn't tell me if he loved me. Just not worth it. There are other people in the world.

This is an entitled guy who has been taken care of by mom and dad all his life and doesn't have good values.

whatkatydidnext

Sounds like the problem isn't the men you choose then. That's 14 years of bs down the drain and for what? Don't mean to be harsh but maybe you should start evaluating what you want in a "MAN" and don't accept anything less than that. Unless what you want is highly unrealistic (e.g. Edward from Twilight or some soap opera perfect guy).

I don't like to look at it as years down the drain, when that's simply not true. It makes me sad when friends' relationships break up and they bemoan the wasted years. There's plenty of good memories to be taken that people forget when they've been hurt.

If I did finish this relationship and found another man, I'm not going to find everything I want. There's no perfect man out there. I'm not one to dream about the unattainable perfect guy.