Relationship advice please!

Elliesque

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

move on.

QFT

1dce

Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that word loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.

hahaha This lol

whitebalance

If I did finish this relationship and found another man, I'm not going to find everything I want. There's no perfect man out there. I'm not one to dream about the unattainable perfect guy.

Oh, for the love of...

"The unattainable perfect guy" is what you're in a relationship with now. He's "perfect" because when you see him, it's like a vacation; neither of you has to deal with the realities of an adult relationship, and you in particular are free to fill in the blanks with whatever fantasy suits your purpose. He's "unattainable" because he'd rather mooch off his parents for the rest of his life than live like an adult.

What future can you envision with this guy? There isn't one. You don't really have a relationship; you have a series of encounters. God forbid he should change his mind and agree to move in with you, and mooch off of you for the rest of his life instead of his parents. He needs to grow up. And from the romantic-fantasy tone of your posts here, a bit of that growing-up action might not hurt you either.

Or keep living the fantasy, and try to be satisfied with your little slice of a "dream guy." Lots of young women do that with married men.

/harsh

yanniejannie

Reading your original post and all the replies; I'd say you deserve better and need to figure out why you seem to feel you don't........you are bending over backwards to explain him to strangers and you are not happy.

I've read most every reply and have yet to see ANY in favor of this going on..........he's self-centered to the extreme; this "relationship" is all give on your part.............honestly, you'd get more genuine emotion from a dog............

annacolour

I'm with Links_slayer dump him. My sister and her boyfriend have a fantastic life 36 and 39 respectively no kids and no intention of marrying but he tells her he loves her, because that is what you do if you love some one and aren't completely self absorbed. They own a house together and have a great social life together. They are a happy modern couple! It should play on your mind as you are living like single people who see each other occasionally. If he won't even consider it YOU are worth more than that!!!!! I would suggest chatting to someone at somewhere like RELATE if you live in UK to try and establish why you are the only one compromising. You need to be able to tell the person you are with you are unhappy about a choice otherwise it is not healthy!! ... All I can say is can you imagine being 50 and when someone asked if you are married you will say no I have been with my boyfriend for 20 years but he still lives with his parents. He obviously has his own issues please don't make them yours. Live your live, there are plenty of Mr not quite perfects out there who given the chance will love you, tell you and live with you - when you both decide the time is right. Its harder as you get older but you need some commitment and to know someone loves you not just to assume! XXX

Snow3y

well if he's not in for even moving in with you, what's the point... TBH I think he's either VERY strange, or has some-things he's hiding from you and doesn't wish to expose.

People think that after 5 years you will know each other well.. But truth is, they might know your habits and some likes and dislikes, but doesn't fully KNOW you..

I don't like giving advice because I'm not in the relationship and I don't know how you 2 are with each other. My advice is, however, is do what YOU think is right, disregarding what anyone has said on this post. Why? Because he is dating you for who you are, therefore he should be able to be feasible with what you choose. If he doesn't, then I guess he's not really 'the one' or anything and feel free to find someone who is...

mortuseon

If you're unwilling to immediately break up: give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you're not comfortable remaining in your relationship the way it is. If he loves you (not sure about this part but you say he does if he isn't sure) enough to change for you, then he's worth staying with and things should be more comfortable. If not...maybe he's not worth it.

vtmoon

If you are from the US or UK, then the guy is using you as easy play. He has a very sweet setup for someone in his early twenties trying to save to start a family, but he isn't even trying for that. Is he a functioning gaming addict? Cause that is a perfect setup for him.

I don't know you or no him but if he hasn't tried to take a next step with you in 5 years then he never will. He is happy with the status quo, and might sound like he got burned by the last relationship. You are suffering from it by allowing it to continue.

Good luck!

annakow

I would leave but its up to you...

benefiting

Look, I understand it's hard to let go of someone you've been with for so long but he is nearly 40 for christ sakes. If he doesn't fulfil your needs than it's time to move on. Easier said than done, I know.

abickford82

Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that word loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.

hahaha This lol

Going to say the same thing. I know the economy is rough and all, but...5 years, almost 40 years old? Something ain't right.

amylouize2012

Sorry hun but I think you need to kick him to the kerb.

You say you don't want children? That's because you already have one! It sounds like dating when I was a teenager. If a guy still lives at home with his mammy after the age of 21/22 that is just a non-runner for me. I would expect him to own his own place by the age of 27/28 at the very latest or I wouldn't bother with him.

Maybe I'm being too hard but as someone who moved out of home at 17 and had bought my own place by the time I was 21 I couldn't even begin to comprehend the idea of putting up with a 38 yr old living with his momma.

It's a non-runner, end of...

The not saying I love you thing should be your answer. He sounds like the kind of guy who will lead someone on for years and then suddenly he will meet some chick in her mid 20's and be shacked up and married within 6 months.

If you were the one, he would know. And he does know by now, he must do. So if he he is not telling you he loves you it's because he doesn't. Stop wasting your time on him hun, he sounds like he is waiting on the next best thing. You are too good to be just someones fall back option.

Tell him to sling his hook. You could only do better. He on the other hand will spend his life looking but he is never gonna meet someone half as good as you again, who the heck would put up with him?

Sorry I know it's not what you want to hear and I know it will be hard. I dumped a guy I had been with for 10 years. We were 5 years engaged and the wedding was booked and paid for and was to be just under 3 months away from the day I broke up with him.

It was the hradest thing I ever did in my life. I loved him completely but he was making me miserable. It took me two whole years to get over him. Now I am happily married and have no regrets.

I wish you lots of luck. Drop me a line anytime xx

BlackStarlight

:flowerforyou:
hey sweetheart,
In my opinion it's already ruined your relationship it plays on your mind and you don't want to bring it up because you know what he'd say. He also won't tell you he loves you. End of for me. He's not willing to commit to the one thing you want from him afrer years of being with him?
Time to move on.
You can do so much better. I know it's hard relationships always are, especially when you've been with some one for years. but it's making you miserable and no one deserves that. But really in your heart you already know the answer. You knew the answer 18 months ago.
You deserve to be happy with the person you're with.
A friend of mine was with someone for 13 years they had a house together but she was miserable. She finally made the decision to break it off.
Now she's with some one insanely happy and engaged. Sometimes although the break is the hardest thing happier things come out of it.
Time to make a change. In the end though what you do is up to you and I wish you all the best in whatever decision you make. But make the one that's right for you.
Drop me a line any time I'll listen.
:flowerforyou:
xx

Dr_Gains

Y do women date these types of dingle berries?? I see it all the time. just blows my mind. Is it self confidence issues?? always leaves me shaking my head. Anyways insert foot into *kitten* and find a man worth a damn

TamTastic

Y do women date these types of dingle berries?? I see it all the time. just blows my mind. Is it self confidence issues?? always leaves me shaking my head. Anyways insert foot into *kitten* and find a man worth a damn

Agree with this. Though, show us the way to him Obi Wan! :laugh:

ekz13

Y do women date these types of dingle berries?? I see it all the time. just blows my mind. Is it self confidence issues?? always leaves me shaking my head. Anyways insert foot into *kitten* and find a man worth a damn

it's the "I can change him in the the man I want and make him better" syndrome. Some people (not all women), see that broken lost puppy and see it as a project they HAVE to make better and try to fix and then they think that they will have that piece of broken clay molded EXACTLY the way they want and it'll be perfect.. imo

but ... I agree... see it all the time.

Pookylou

I have friends in a very similar situation (similar ages he is about 40 and she is about 30), they did live together, for the whole six months of their rental contract, and then he moved about home, where he still lives........... They've been together for about 5 years now, and I honestly don't get why they stay together.

I get not wanting to have kids, or get married (though I do want to!), but to not even want to live together and share your lives...... It was a deal breaker in my last relationship and it should be in yours too.

judilockwood

Dump him, he's free loading from his parents and if anything happens to them then he would probs free load off you. get a man who'll love and respect you, he just isn't worth the heartbreak xx

donthesitate

Pretty sure this is a movie....failure to launch.

My older sister was in a similar situation and I told her shed be better off with a man and not a boy, they parted ways and shes doing so much better.

jenilla1

Yikes! If your relationship problems are "eating away" at you, it sounds like a bad deal to me. There's something not quite normal about this guy. It's one thing not to want to marry or have kids, but another to refuse to even live together. Most guys would jump at the chance to leave Mommy's house and move in with their long-time sweetie. You've been together for 5 years and he hasn't said he loves you yet? Don't count on it ever happening. He's broken. Man, I'd have been out of there long, long ago... You don't have to settle. I'm a big believer that if you are in a good relationship you should feel safe, secure and loved. Do you feel that way, OP?

skcardiog

' Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You ' -- Homer Simpson

38 year old ' boy ' needs to be set free, you need to move on.

Quick, clean and to the point .

Life is way too short, experience it .

PJ64

-38
- Lives with Mom & Dad
- Doesn't Pay Bills

NOT A MAN

joyfuljoy65

Ye Gods, this has made me remember 7 years of my life I tried to forget. After getting divorced I spent 7 years with a man who didn't want a relationship, didn't know what love was, didn't want marriage or kids - at first that was great as I was still hurting and the companionship was enough - it was safe. After 7 years - when I tried to move it on and he also said almost the same words as your man has said to you, I woke up and realised I wanted more.

today I am celebrating my 5th wedding anniversary to a man who I met two weeks after walking away from that safe companionship.

Your current companion is not the only man in the world, you are not going to be alone if you leave, you want more from a relationship and yes, compromise is good, but when it is just one person doing the compromising then it will eat away at your happiness until all you have is resentment.

My advice is to be honest with yourself and if you really do not want the compromises you are having to make, do not make them. Either insist that things change for the better for you both, and if he will not budge, walk away.

Corinne_Howland

This post has been going on and on with the same message. A "man" who still lives with his parents at age 38, is not a man. He wants his cake, wants to be able to eat it, when he wants, how he wants it. For free!!!

You have to wonder what parent still wants to have their children live with them at age 38. Our job as parents is to raise our children to the point they can be self sufficient, accepted in society, etc.

I remember all too well, when my son, at age 20 told him he wasn't coming home for his summer off from college. He had decided to get his own place. I had a melt down. I wasn't ready to have my "BABY" be grown and on his own. While sobbing into the phone, like a fool......I told him how I felt. His answer to me was so simple, it made me laugh. He said" Mom, do you want me to live in your basement until I'm 40? You and dad gave me the tools to make it on my own, it's the normal thing for me to do, I'll be fine"
And he is fine. And I'm a better mother for it.
Bottom line. This man been brought up by enablers. He's taking full advantage of his living conditions. You don't want this for the rest of your life. And he can't tell you he loves you? Honey, there is no age at which we have to settle for anything. You're better off being by yourself than you be with someone who will never grow up. Good luck.

rhoule76

I was in the same situation, spent 12 years with the guy (who at 32 still lived with his parents), he did move in with me but he put in the bare minimum (half the rent...that's it). I ended it with him and he was surprised by this. Anyway, long story short, I met a great guy 8 months later and we are now married. I'd ditch him.

artelyn

Are you kidding me? What is going on in your head to stay with a man that hasnt even told you he loves you? You deserve better then that and honestly if your that caught up on him not wanting to live with you OVER him not telling you he loves you i think your priorites are a bit out of whack. Why would you think someone who cant say he loves you would want to live with you? Babydoll move ON! He is NOT the one. :flowerforyou:

Thank you!!! I kept wondering how long it was going to take before someone got to this point of the whole question.

Something is wrong if you are more upset about him not living with you than him not saying he loves you. I also think that if moving in together is THAT important, you may want to revisit your ideas on marriage. If you are living together you are living as a "married" couple without the paperwork or the ceremony. There is still compromise, adjusting to each others habits, COMMUNITCATION, which you seem to have issues with, etc.. You need to be able to talk about anything and everything in a relationship whether married or not. Without open honest communication, it all is doomed to fail at some point.

You shouldn't have to live like you are living. I don't mean to sound harsh, but sweetie, you don't have a boyfriend. You have a friend with benefits. and he is the one reaping all the benefits. It's hard to move on, but you must. For your own good!

Good luck! :flowerforyou:

Monkey_Business

ok....couple of things here:

1. You have a friend with benefits
2. You saw all the 'red flags' way before this
3. He does not love you

You have 2 choices:
1. Deal with it and understand that this is the best it is going to get.
2. Chaulk it up to experience and move on.

Best of luck.......

LuLuChick78

It is obvious that you have never been in a great relationship before, or you would not be settling for this.

If you aren't willing to waste the rest of your life exactly the way you are now, then why waste another minute?

I am speaking from experience btw. My ex (insert lots of nasty adjectives) husband was unbearable (for way too many reasons to get into...) and after almost 10 years I left. It was a big decision as we had/have 2 small children, but I know it was the best decision for all of us. I now have an incredible boyfriend whom I cannot imagine being without. He is kind, considerate, loving, affectionate, mature, responsible, hilarious, sexy, has his own place and is just as naughty as I am (too far?...).

My point is that you should not settle for such an uneven relationship. You may be willing to compromise...but he is not (and most likely never will).

But who the hell are we to tell you what to do. As the Hodge Twins say, "Do whatever the f**k you wanna do" :flowerforyou:

ETA: the part about having his own place - bonus points to him after reading the OP's post.

tattygun

A 38 year old who lives with his mum? Sorry but ahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Get rid of the boy and find yourself a man.

randomtai

ok....couple of things here:

1. You have a friend with benefits
2. You saw all the 'red flags' way before this
3. He does not love you

You have 2 choices:
1. Deal with it and understand that this is the best it is going to get.
2. Chaulk it up to experience and move on.

Best of luck.......

This!!!!!!