Relationship advice please!

margarethumphreys58

I agree with some of the other replies that there some red flags. But the bigger picture is that you each have different visions of a future together. Five years is a long time, and you love him. I get why that's hard. But it's only going to eat away at you more and more because you aren't getting what you need.

If you decide to part ways, know that heartache heals. You have others in your support system, right? Family and friends? He's not supporting you financially and you don't have children, so you're with him by choice. You don't really NEED him to live; obviously you are a capable and independant woman. Is this relationship really, honestly making you happy? It's not about finding someone else (though you will) but it's about a relationship making your life better. It sounds like he confuses and frustrates you, and he shows no signs of compromise. Is this situation really good enough for you, for the whole rest of your life?

Exactly this. Read that last line and if the answe isn't automatically yes, then you need to move on.
Nobody wants to be maybe happy for the rest of their life.

Madame_Goldbricker

Has he previously been divorced, or did he live with someone & it ended really badly? Does he have financial problems that you don't know about? Is he depressed? Has he ever moved out of his parents before? Or has he always lived in their house.

links_slayer

You know the answer in your heart of hearts. Men=simple creatures of action

orly?

TheSlorax

Five years and he hasn't told you "I love you"?!?!


This really makes me sad. It takes me a long time if ever to say that but if it's been five years and you haven't heard those words it's really time to move on. And no, he actually does not do anything to show you love instead of saying it. He won't even move in with you (read: commit to any type of permanency) which is clearly something that's important to you. I won't even get into the living with the parents because the he is not even meeting your basic emotional needs.

_EndGame_

He sounds like a teenage boy.

Doesn't know what love means/is? Lol.

Explain to him what you just explained to us, take note of how he responds, then re-evaluate your circumstances from there.

If he doesn't pay bills or make any kind of contribution to the household, then one assumes he would have the same approach if you moved in with him, or vice versa.

sunfirelynn

Wow.. I would think about moving on.. you seem like a nice lady and this guy still is a mommy's boy I'm taking it. Just look around I'm sure you can find a better man out there.

whatkatydidnext

Has he previously been divorced, or did he live with someone & it ended really badly? Does he have financial problems that you don't know about? Is he depressed? Has he ever moved out of his parents before? Or has he always lived in their house.

He lived with a girlfriend in his early 20s. She had severe depression and he says he felt obligated to live with her. The relationship ended and he moved out. He did live away from home for a long time and returned about 9 years ago. He's obviously stayed ever since. His dad's even asked him if he's waiting for them to die so he can have the house! I do think they are making it too easy for him though and should ask for rent and bills from him.

He doesn't have any financial issues. He earns more than me and has good savings. He spends his money on gadgets and recently bought a sports car. I know...

MANDallasTX

You deserve a MAN that can return your love and treat you like the precious one you are.

TheSlorax

Trust me OP... I just ended a 2 year relationship with someone who I really cared about but he was such an emotional midget that I had to be his entire support system and I couldn't do it anymore. It sounds like you have to take care of this guy (or if you don't it's because his parents do it instead). You deserve better from someone who is going to love you unconditionally.

JennInTx

If you are afraid to have a serious conversation with your "boyfriend", what does that say about you? Relationships are all about communication. Good and bad. You should never be afraid to say anything to someone you love. He wants to live alone, yet he lives with his parents means he is comfortable with the way things are and doesn't want them to change.

You need to make a decision about what is important to you. You compromise, make excuses for his behavior and actions. You have been with him for 5 years and even though you don't want to get married or have children, it's obvious that companionship is important to you. Do you want to live alone for the rest of your life? It's scary making a decision about your future, but if he is not willing to compromise, I think you should either prepare yourself for his constant self-centered behavior or move on.

And frankly, if I'm with someone for 5 years and have never heard the words "I Love You", the decision would not be that difficult.

I'd rather be lonely than miserable in a relationship.

Dunkirk

Imagine it was someone else who wrote your post, what would you advise that person to do?

Ed98043

If I did finish this relationship and found another man, I'm not going to find everything I want. There's no perfect man out there. I'm not one to dream about the unattainable perfect guy.

A feeble justification for continuing to spin your wheels in a dead-end relationship. Yes, there are no perfect guys out there, but having a man tell you in no uncertain terms that he will never live with you and doesn't love you...?! Those aren't minor details that can be worked out or overlooked. I can only assume that you're clinging to the hope that he'll realize that he's loved you all along and will change his mind about living together (and that's quite a rich fantasy world you live in) but it's not going to happen. He might feel that way about someone, someday...but after 5 years if you're not that girl, then you never will be.

Have you ever thought about therapy or counseling? There's some reason that you allow yourself to be treated this way and continue to go back for more.

charliex2202

I think deep down you already know what you have to do, or you wouldn't be asking the questions in the 1st place, trust me sometimes it is best to just start again, I was with my ex for 13 yrs and now i'm back to been single and starting again as he just wouldn't make the changes that I needed, no matter what they say they will never change..
the top and bottom line is your boyfriend is living the easy life no bills, no hassles just a room in his parents house, watch the film failure to launch its a common problem but it doesn't sound to me like your guy will be growing up any time too soon, do yourself a favour walk away and find someone that will commit to you on all levels, he has to be out there somewhere we just have to look harder right.

webbeyes

I don't like to look at it as years down the drain, when that's simply not true. It makes me sad when friends' relationships break up and they bemoan the wasted years. There's plenty of good memories to be taken that people forget when they've been hurt.

If I did finish this relationship and found another man, I'm not going to find everything I want. There's no perfect man out there. I'm not one to dream about the unattainable perfect guy.

Well, the guy you're with is also unattainable ...

You're not looking for perfect - just some reasonable facsimile of a stable, loving, caring, communicating adult male.

kgreenRDLDN

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

If you are constantly thinking about this, and its eating you up then you already know the answer. It sounds like you are having doubts about him, and I would agree. As others have said many red flags there. Not wanting to compromise with you at all, you seem to be doing the compromising. Coming up with a lame answer to the question "do you love me?" There is no I don't know what love is-its yes or no. If you don't know then its a no.

I've had a boyfriend like this before. I did all the changing, made the sacrifices for him and in the end it was not worth it. We still talk, but as a couple it never would have worked. Had I stayed with it because I loved him and we had a good relationship I would be miserable by now-no offense to him, just wasn't meant to be. Step back and take a good look at what you want out of life. Not what you want for you and him, or what you want for him....but what you yourself want out of your life. think about what you hope to accomplish (do so without including him in the picture) and then see if his lifestyle that he is so adamant on not changing will fit with what you desire. Most likely it will be a no, but you probably already know this and are doing the same thing I did with my ex like this. Find excuses or reasons to stick it out longer.

The other possibility to consider is, are you his only girlfriend? and are you sure of this? That can be another reason for not wanting to live with you, he has his own place so that when your at work he can have someone else over. I'm not saying this is true by any means, but it is a possibility too.

whatkatydidnext

Imagine it was someone else who wrote your post, what would you advise that person to do?

Good question. I'm often the advice giver, but it's easy to give it out. Honestly, I wouldn't say to give it all up before having a good talk about the way things are. It seems a waste ending an otherwise good relationship. We're very well suited (apart from in future plans, it seems...). I just wish I didn't find it so hard to talk about important things. I guess I could write it down instead. I'm much more eloquent in print.

Briko3

First of all, it sounds like he's comfortable and that's it.

Second, you're on your 4th page of responses and there's not one person that said they would stay with him. I guess you have the answer as to what others think. What do your family and friends think?

endoftheside

He has told you where he stands (doesn't want to move in, does not love you and/or anyone), and you need to believe him. If you are not OK with this situation lasting until he ditches you, you need to move on before you waste another five years hoping he will change, then give him an ultimatum and watch him toss you to the curb. You need to take him at his word.

I watched a friend of a friend go through this (from the male perspective) and it just...ended, very calmly, methodically, and rationally (for the guy), when it no longer suited his needs. If he doesn't love you, it is all about him and what he wants and one day you will see this bite you.

whatkatydidnext

The other possibility to consider is, are you his only girlfriend? and are you sure of this? That can be another reason for not wanting to live with you, he has his own place so that when your at work he can have someone else over. I'm not saying this is true by any means, but it is a possibility too.

No, I'm certain there's no one else. We work the same hours and he would have to take someone back to his parents if he was seeing them. He's generally either here or at home.

whatkatydidnext

First of all, it sounds like he's comfortable and that's it.

Second, you're on your 4th page of responses and there's not one person that said they would stay with him. I guess you have the answer as to what others think. What do your family and friends think?

I've not spoken to my family about it. My friends who know him well, reassure me that he loves me, from witnessing how he acts towards me.

kawookie

Okay, you are enabling him. It is not healthy for him to be in a long-term relationship and still be living like a teenager (at parents with no real bills, job for spending money). He might have needed time to get over his bad relationship, but now he has the perfect life -- free rent, sports car, a job he likes, no real bills and you on his terms.

If he loves you and doesn't realize it or isn't sure, the only way you will ever know is if you remove yourself from the equation. If he loves you he will seek you out and want you back. If he doesn't love you, there is nothing you can do to make him love you and ripping a bandage off is easier than doing it cautiously.

If he loves you - he will figure it out. If he doesn't, you cannot love him enough for two. Relationships can either grow or die - there really isn't another option. I wouldn't have such an issue if he told you he wasn't ready to move in with you but he was planning on building his own house, purchasing a condo or looking for a rental unit. Or if he claimed to love you. No one changes when life is going awesome.

Do you think that any other woman would date a 38 year old living with his parents that didn't want to leave? I think the simple answer is HELL NO.

Tough love is hard. But I think for your own sanity sake, and for his sake you need to walk away and see what happens.

whatkatydidnext

Thanks for your replies everyone. I've certainly got a lot to think about. I think a good start would be to have a serious talk about things, sooner rather than later.

I'm off to bed. Goodnight.

BurningAway

Are you kidding me? What is going on in your head to stay with a man that hasnt even told you he loves you? You deserve better then that and honestly if your that caught up on him not wanting to live with you OVER him not telling you he loves you i think your priorites are a bit out of whack. Why would you think someone who cant say he loves you would want to live with you? Babydoll move ON! He is NOT the one. :flowerforyou:

WisiPls

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

move on.

tonydreger2013

Hi is a man that has had everything done for him all his life. I presume your relationship is intimate. He has the best of evrything, no committment, no housework, no worries + benifits. He is a very lucyk man, you are a fool to stay. Sorry.

PhoenixStrikes

Aside from all the glaringly obvious reasons this relationship is going no where the biggest red flag is he won't tell you he loves you. Every one deserves to hear those words, and him being unable to express himself (let along take care of himself) is not something you should have to deal with.

jamiem1102

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

move on.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

AlongCame_Molly

Oh dear God, I guess you've been in the monkey house so long that you don't even notice the stench anymore. Please believe all of us - it stinks to high heaven.

I know it's hard to flush 5 years down the drain but this guy is a Peter Pan of the highest order. Even if you could shoehorn him out of his parent's house and into yours, what do you think would change? Do you think he would suddenly become a responsible adult and contribute equally toward the household? No, he wouldn't. He would just expect you to take over the role of caretaker. He is lacking some of the main characteristics of a functioning adult: ambition, independence, pride in one's self, and apparently the ability to love. Start disengaging yourself from this guy immediately before you wake up and find another 5 years gone and your stock in the dating world has dropped along with it.

This was put so perfectly. A million times this!

Nicolee_2014

Move on & find someone else......

Just because you work the same hours doesn't mean anything! Daily I have a couple that meet at the end of my no-thru street...The lady gets out of her car & jumps into his. Appears they are on a lunch break & meeting up. Who's to say he's not seeing someone from his work, or during his lunch break?

Good luck with it all.

simplycorey

If you're not happy after 5 years of the same behavior, what makes you think you're going to be happy in 5 more? You need to think about why you love him and decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Are you content living separately? Are you okay with never hearing 'I love you'? Are you comfortable with him being a freeloader? Are you happy that you'll always be the one to compromise everything that comes up in your relationship? I think you know the answer already and I know it's not an easy decision but I could never, ever be in a one-sided relationship with a grown "man" who acts like that.