Relationship advice please!

kawookie

Okay, you are enabling him. It is not healthy for him to be in a long-term relationship and still be living like a teenager (at parents with no real bills, job for spending money). He might have needed time to get over his bad relationship, but now he has the perfect life -- free rent, sports car, a job he likes, no real bills and you on his terms.

If he loves you and doesn't realize it or isn't sure, the only way you will ever know is if you remove yourself from the equation. If he loves you he will seek you out and want you back. If he doesn't love you, there is nothing you can do to make him love you and ripping a bandage off is easier than doing it cautiously.

If he loves you - he will figure it out. If he doesn't, you cannot love him enough for two. Relationships can either grow or die - there really isn't another option. I wouldn't have such an issue if he told you he wasn't ready to move in with you but he was planning on building his own house, purchasing a condo or looking for a rental unit. Or if he claimed to love you. No one changes when life is going awesome.

Do you think that any other woman would date a 38 year old living with his parents that didn't want to leave? I think the simple answer is HELL NO.

Tough love is hard. But I think for your own sanity sake, and for his sake you need to walk away and see what happens.

whatkatydidnext

Thanks for your replies everyone. I've certainly got a lot to think about. I think a good start would be to have a serious talk about things, sooner rather than later.

I'm off to bed. Goodnight.

BurningAway

Are you kidding me? What is going on in your head to stay with a man that hasnt even told you he loves you? You deserve better then that and honestly if your that caught up on him not wanting to live with you OVER him not telling you he loves you i think your priorites are a bit out of whack. Why would you think someone who cant say he loves you would want to live with you? Babydoll move ON! He is NOT the one. :flowerforyou:

WisiPls

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

move on.

tonydreger2013

Hi is a man that has had everything done for him all his life. I presume your relationship is intimate. He has the best of evrything, no committment, no housework, no worries + benifits. He is a very lucyk man, you are a fool to stay. Sorry.

PhoenixStrikes

Aside from all the glaringly obvious reasons this relationship is going no where the biggest red flag is he won't tell you he loves you. Every one deserves to hear those words, and him being unable to express himself (let along take care of himself) is not something you should have to deal with.

jamiem1102

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

move on.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

AlongCame_Molly

Oh dear God, I guess you've been in the monkey house so long that you don't even notice the stench anymore. Please believe all of us - it stinks to high heaven.

I know it's hard to flush 5 years down the drain but this guy is a Peter Pan of the highest order. Even if you could shoehorn him out of his parent's house and into yours, what do you think would change? Do you think he would suddenly become a responsible adult and contribute equally toward the household? No, he wouldn't. He would just expect you to take over the role of caretaker. He is lacking some of the main characteristics of a functioning adult: ambition, independence, pride in one's self, and apparently the ability to love. Start disengaging yourself from this guy immediately before you wake up and find another 5 years gone and your stock in the dating world has dropped along with it.

This was put so perfectly. A million times this!

Nicolee_2014

Move on & find someone else......

Just because you work the same hours doesn't mean anything! Daily I have a couple that meet at the end of my no-thru street...The lady gets out of her car & jumps into his. Appears they are on a lunch break & meeting up. Who's to say he's not seeing someone from his work, or during his lunch break?

Good luck with it all.

simplycorey

If you're not happy after 5 years of the same behavior, what makes you think you're going to be happy in 5 more? You need to think about why you love him and decide if this is how you want to live the rest of your life. Are you content living separately? Are you okay with never hearing 'I love you'? Are you comfortable with him being a freeloader? Are you happy that you'll always be the one to compromise everything that comes up in your relationship? I think you know the answer already and I know it's not an easy decision but I could never, ever be in a one-sided relationship with a grown "man" who acts like that.

Elliesque

Hi guys. I'm looking for some relationship advice, so thought I'd try here. I'm a fairly regular poster, so for anonymity, I've opened a new account.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 5 years. I'm 35 and he's 38 and we've no plans to ever have kids or get married (this is a mutual agreement). 18 months ago, I asked if he would consider moving in with me in the future. Big mistake. Without hesitating, he said he would never live with me. I was gobsmacked and was pretty upset by his reply. I asked him why and he said he loves living on his own. Now, this would make sense, but he doesn't live on his own - he lives with his parents (his bedroom is tiny and I hate going round there as there's only room to sit on the bed, making me feel like I'm in a teenage boy's room)! I questioned him about this statement and he said he never saw them. They never leave the house! He also pays no contribution towards the bills and never does any housework. I do wonder if this has something to do with him not leaving...

I've since tried to explain to him how much this upsets me, as this is as far as our relationship will progress. As I said before, I don't want kids or marriage, so this was the next and final step for me. He was adamant this was his stance, so in order not to ruin our relationship, I've never brought it up again. Unfortunately, it plays on my mind all the time. I wish I could ignore it, but it's always there in the back of my mind, torturing me. We have a good relationship and he's really kind to me and has recently helped me through an long illness, so I'm not willing to give it all up for this, but it eats away at me.

Has anyone got any advice for me? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Sorry it's so long...


Edit: He also won't tell me he loves me. I'm pretty certain he does, in the way he acts towards me, but recently, when I asked him if he did, he just told me that he doesn't know what love means. Sigh.

move on.

QFT

1dce

Um...you are dating a 38 year old man (I use that word loosely) that lives with mommy and daddy. If this doesn't tell you everything you need to know about the relationship, you are beyond help. Have fun with that.

hahaha This lol

whitebalance

If I did finish this relationship and found another man, I'm not going to find everything I want. There's no perfect man out there. I'm not one to dream about the unattainable perfect guy.

Oh, for the love of...

"The unattainable perfect guy" is what you're in a relationship with now. He's "perfect" because when you see him, it's like a vacation; neither of you has to deal with the realities of an adult relationship, and you in particular are free to fill in the blanks with whatever fantasy suits your purpose. He's "unattainable" because he'd rather mooch off his parents for the rest of his life than live like an adult.

What future can you envision with this guy? There isn't one. You don't really have a relationship; you have a series of encounters. God forbid he should change his mind and agree to move in with you, and mooch off of you for the rest of his life instead of his parents. He needs to grow up. And from the romantic-fantasy tone of your posts here, a bit of that growing-up action might not hurt you either.

Or keep living the fantasy, and try to be satisfied with your little slice of a "dream guy." Lots of young women do that with married men.

/harsh

yanniejannie

Reading your original post and all the replies; I'd say you deserve better and need to figure out why you seem to feel you don't........you are bending over backwards to explain him to strangers and you are not happy.

I've read most every reply and have yet to see ANY in favor of this going on..........he's self-centered to the extreme; this "relationship" is all give on your part.............honestly, you'd get more genuine emotion from a dog............

annacolour

I'm with Links_slayer dump him. My sister and her boyfriend have a fantastic life 36 and 39 respectively no kids and no intention of marrying but he tells her he loves her, because that is what you do if you love some one and aren't completely self absorbed. They own a house together and have a great social life together. They are a happy modern couple! It should play on your mind as you are living like single people who see each other occasionally. If he won't even consider it YOU are worth more than that!!!!! I would suggest chatting to someone at somewhere like RELATE if you live in UK to try and establish why you are the only one compromising. You need to be able to tell the person you are with you are unhappy about a choice otherwise it is not healthy!! ... All I can say is can you imagine being 50 and when someone asked if you are married you will say no I have been with my boyfriend for 20 years but he still lives with his parents. He obviously has his own issues please don't make them yours. Live your live, there are plenty of Mr not quite perfects out there who given the chance will love you, tell you and live with you - when you both decide the time is right. Its harder as you get older but you need some commitment and to know someone loves you not just to assume! XXX

Snow3y

well if he's not in for even moving in with you, what's the point... TBH I think he's either VERY strange, or has some-things he's hiding from you and doesn't wish to expose.

People think that after 5 years you will know each other well.. But truth is, they might know your habits and some likes and dislikes, but doesn't fully KNOW you..

I don't like giving advice because I'm not in the relationship and I don't know how you 2 are with each other. My advice is, however, is do what YOU think is right, disregarding what anyone has said on this post. Why? Because he is dating you for who you are, therefore he should be able to be feasible with what you choose. If he doesn't, then I guess he's not really 'the one' or anything and feel free to find someone who is...

mortuseon

If you're unwilling to immediately break up: give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you're not comfortable remaining in your relationship the way it is. If he loves you (not sure about this part but you say he does if he isn't sure) enough to change for you, then he's worth staying with and things should be more comfortable. If not...maybe he's not worth it.

vtmoon

If you are from the US or UK, then the guy is using you as easy play. He has a very sweet setup for someone in his early twenties trying to save to start a family, but he isn't even trying for that. Is he a functioning gaming addict? Cause that is a perfect setup for him.

I don't know you or no him but if he hasn't tried to take a next step with you in 5 years then he never will. He is happy with the status quo, and might sound like he got burned by the last relationship. You are suffering from it by allowing it to continue.

Good luck!

annakow

I would leave but its up to you...

benefiting

Look, I understand it's hard to let go of someone you've been with for so long but he is nearly 40 for christ sakes. If he doesn't fulfil your needs than it's time to move on. Easier said than done, I know.