School bullies picking on my son.....any advice??
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The school SHOULD have adopted a zero tolerance policy as was mentioned in an above post. Speak with the principal and the assistant principal. If you don't make any headway with them (which you should, but just in case) tell them that you will have to complain to the authorities. Even though these are children, it is still considered harrassment which needs to be dealt with right away.
Good luck.
Zero tolerence policies are BS, they don't stop bullying they encourage it. A bully thrives on the inaction of others. Before zero tollerence the bully had to keep other kids afraid of him/her. Now he has the weight of zero taollerence backing him up. A lot of kids would step in and defend the weaker party but now they are afraid of getting introuble themselves.
I taught my kids to Step up and Step in. They all have, two of them recieved suspensions for fighting. My youngest daughter sat in the principles office laughing because the bully was crying because he was afraid of getting in trouble. My son stopped a weaker child from being hung over a second floor stair railing.. When he got suspended, he told the principle,"No problem. I'd do it again." I'm proud of both of them.0 -
It is AMAZING how Bullies thrive in today's culture. HUMMM, wonder why? Because of the Adults, they emulate ADULT behavior, IRL or on the Internet. ALWAYS first look to Adults when you see a BAD kid! Do what you can to protect your child; I am NOT a big fan of teachers in general because they 'encourage' bullying by looking the other way AND also by 'choosing' favorites or out-casting 'different' kids. Unfortunately, with Kids, it IS dog eat dog...
When I was a kid, you always saw big brothers or big sisters 'handle' these kinds of things until the younger one could fin for themself. Kinda kid on kid action. I guess you will have to intervene with the ADULTS...I would NOT suggest that you deal with the other kids...then YOU will come off as a Bully; and as you know, Parents do not like that.0 -
Let me start off with.. I was bullied and hazing was ended once my grade became upper classmen. It really has to do with the types of people you're dealing with. Some people are discouraged by being reprimanded, but sometimes that makes it worse. There should be groups of friends, teachers, adults, that your son feels safe with and if you take the proper steps like having a parent conference and the problem still doesn't work out then you can go onto more extreme solutions.
There is some truth to the fact that if your son doesn't learn how to stick up for himself he will always need someone to stand up for him. It's a difficult line to dance, but I think if you come across this like...
"I know you're getting bullied and it sucks. I can ****ing rip their faces if you want me to, but that's only if you want that."0 -
I'm a mother bear taking care of her cubs....no one messes with my kids
My 3yo is going to what is called 'occasional care' so it is at a kindy for 3 hrs on a Friday - they get mixed with the kindergarten kids - well it has come to light that 1 of the boys hit her in the face. I've got 2 minds to slap the kid in the face myself, as he has been seen doing this before. No good talking to his mother because they don't speak a scrap of English. Helps! So now my daughter doesn't want to go to something that she used to enjoy.
It has been mentioned to the people who run the place who seem to brush it off.
I hope you find a solution to your situation. Bullies aren't fun, especially when you are a child
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For me I became the bully to the bullies..............................I donned an orange reflective vest and became a yard duty monitor that volunteers for the school. No kids ever talk back to me. They're skeered if whistle them down!
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
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Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
I got picked on in 6th grade pretty badly. I solved the problem by hitting the bully with a baseball bat in the back, and smashing his face into the asphalt a few times. I never got picked on again after that
He had it coming. If you keep pushing someone they will break and hit you with a baseball bat. Anyway . . .
Most of us here are adults I imagine. Did you get picked on? I sure as hell did. When I was 5-12 your Mom and or Dad talking to the teacher about the bullying pretty much meant it would continue and get a whole lot worse. Is it still like that in our gluten free lets all hug it out society?
There were times when I'd outsmart them. This wasn't too hard since they were the kind of people who peaked in high school and now cry at home. Once I figured out how to lock them out of the building. That pissed them off. One of my favorites was when these two big guys who used to play keep-away with my hat tried to take it I threw it on the ground and stepped on it, then put it back on. Then never bothered me after that since they thought I was nuts.
When I was very young I cried and wanted to stay home because other kids told me I was fat and ugly or would hit me because I was quiet and then too "skinny". I started hitting them back. I didn't always win but I gave a couple of black eyes and made a couple of them cry too.
It's all a part of growing up. We all have to learn to stand up for ourselves. That's the one productive thing bullies do, force us to cowboy up. Because those *kitten* grow up too and you have to deal with them in your job and stand up to them in a different way.0 -
No one will protect your child like you will. I would do what your doing by going through the school...but i would report to the police and file assult charges (wouldn't hurt to see where it gets you, it could at least scare the bullies). With all that is in news these days....Bullies are out of control and law enforcement should be notified.
This is usually the beginning of bad behavior when it starts so young.
Good luck!
Go get'em mom! ( i was exactly the same when my children were small)0 -
My daughter had issues at her old school and I could never really put my finger on why. She was just very awkward socially and struggled so much with her school work. I spoke to her teacher so many times about my concerns only to be brushed off. I went has high up as the school board only to be told "the year is almost over. We'll see how she does next year" Ugh! REALLY? Well at the end of the year her class had a field trip to the zoo and suddenly it clicked. The other girls in her class were snooty. No better way of putting it. My daughter was being bullied with words more than with actions (no hitting or pushing). When it came time to break off into groups she was never chosen by the girls she thought were her friends. They told her it was because she her shoes were from Walmart. Later on they were telling her that they were glad she wasn't in their group because she would have slowed them down since she can't read very well.
My heart was just breaking into pieces! With only 2 weeks left in the year I stood by my daughters side and coached her through each scenario as best I could. The school wouldn't help and her teacher refused to believe that these girls were having an effect on my daughter. I have since transferred her to another school where she is thriving! Her grades are up, she has a ton of friends, and her teacher is absolutely outstanding.
I will say this though, had I not been able to transfer I would have gone to the news paper and TV stations, whatever I had to do to draw attention to the fact that their whole anti-bully campaign was a fail. I would have also waited at the school like a stalker waiting to find the parents and confront them. We are told not to do this, but I would have if my daughter ended up having to endure another year of it. Thankfully, her life is getting much easier. Good luck to you! I hope it stops for your son.
you did the right thing and I'm really glad your daughter's doing much better in the new school. I had to deal with a lot of this kind of bullying for many years in school, starting when I was too young to realise that it wasn't right for me to be treated this way, so it had a huge and very negative impact on my self-esteem, self-image and mental health that stayed with me for years.
Also, and this is important for all those saying "do martial arts" or "punch the kid in the face" - that does NOT work for this kind of bullying. I've always been strong, physically confident and able to fight, and used to fight with the boys (and win) and would spend most of my time at school playing with the boys because the girls all hated me. But the boys didn't fully accept me either as I was a girl, so I was still a social outcast. This kind of subtle, insidious bullying, i.e. by exclusion and constant subtle verbal slights, fighting back does not work. If you fight back (verbally or physically) then you make the bully cry, and all her friends rally around her, comfort her, and they all hate you even more, treat you even worse and you're painted as the evil one no matter what you do. These days, with more emphasis on stamping out bullying in schools, kids facing this kind of bullying who try to fight back, especially if physically, are more likely to end up being accused of being the bully, first by the same kids who are bullying them, and then by the teacher, because there are several of the very good kids in the class who are accusing your child (and it's usually the well behaved kids who engage in this kind of bullying) and just your child saying that she's the one being bullied, but there's no evidence for it, and it's hard for her to even describe what they're doing, because it's all based on social exclusion and extremely subtle slights, and as you put it, snobbery.
The best way to deal with this kind of bullying is to get away from the people who are doing it, which means leaving the social group where it's going on. Adults can find a new job if their co-workers are doing stuff like this to them.... but kids simply do not have that option to be asked to be transferred to another class or school, and teachers almost never spot this kind of bullying. It can be dealt with in a classroom situation if a teacher who is totally aware of what's going on is very insistent, and refuses to listen to the pleas, excuses and cover-up tactics of the bullies, but as I said, it's usually the well behaved kids in the class who do that, the ones the teachers consider trustworthy. If the teacher can get the message to them that a) I know what you have been doing and it's totally wrong, b) make them understand just how much pain and suffering they're causing by their behaviour and c) get all the kids involved discussing WHY they are doing it, then it may stop. However it's often the case that they'll stop doing this to the one child and turn to another child. It generally happens when there's one child in the class who is the ringleader, very manipulative and vindictive, and who has a psychological need to rally the other kids around her/him to pick on a victim. the mentality is very similar to that of other bullies, what's different is the tactics they're using. Generally in cases like this the bully knows that they would be in very big trouble for direct acts of physical or verbal violence, so they find other, much more subtle ways to attack their victim, and social exclusion is a very big part of this because it's so hard for a teacher to tell if a child is working alone out of choice, or because everyone else is refusing to work with them, and giving them evil looks, talking about them behind their back, only talking to them to make cleverly veiled insults, and generally treating them like *kitten* on their shoe. And usually the child won't tell the teacher what's going on, because it's all too subtle, they have no evidence, they know the others will all back each other up, the teacher will probably dismiss it as nothing serious or them being over-sensitive because it's like death by 1000000 small cuts rather than any one serious injury, and a teacher will dismiss someone complaining about any small thing, without understanding that this is a constant, ongoing thing that no adult would put up with for any length of time (but then adults are able to just leave the situation....)
Getting out of the situation is the best option for the child who's being victimised like this, because frequently if this kind of bullying stops, it's because it's moved on to another child, so the child feels compelled to move from victim to accomplice, out of fear of being the victim all over again. Either way it's pernicious. And many of the children who join in with this kind of bullying do so out of fear of becoming the next victim. So even if you manage to stop your child being the target, you're probably putting them in a situation where they're learning that they need to hurt others to avoid being hurt themselves, which is not what you want.
Anyway, basically some people are highly toxic, and everyone can do without toxic people in their lives... especially kids, who often don't have the emotional maturity and life experience to fully reaslise what's going on in situations like this.0 -
My eldest got bullied (verbally) intermittently throughout his junior school. When he went to secondary school, that turned physical. School wouldnt do anything about it. I enrolled all 4 of my kids into a jujitsu class where they learned how to defend themselves. I then informed the school that IF my son hit anyone, it was only self defense, and he would not be sitting any detention. They knew my son well enough by then to know he would not pick a fight. He never had to use it at school. Whether that was because his confidence grew because he knew he could take them down, I dont know.
Now roll forward 2 years, the same kids that used to bully my eldest, on the first week my twins started the secondary school, tried it on with one of them. The bully did not stay standing. He was taken down so quickly, without a punch being hit. He was so humiliated, he never said a word to anyone, nor did he try it again with anyone around my family.
My kids are grown, only my daughter left for her final year at school. 3 of them still train at jujitsu (all 3 are black belts and above) and all 3 now teach it to the younger kids that are having issues that they had.0 -
Had and solved this problem last year...
jujitsu trained to junior blackbelt, fortunately my 11 year old listened to his master and didnt use it at school bar defence the odd time or two and there s no way we were going to leave him going to school with that on his mind every day ...
We knew other parents who had moved their kids to other schools after failing to solve the problem and having listened to what they had to say it became obvious why and we took a different approach...Turning up to school angry and demanding results certainly wasnt the way foreward !
We did our research, learned new anti bullying guidelines were soon to be put in place in schools and having been in sales, learned body language and how to close I made an appointment with the head so I could sell her the idea of wanting to help us and preparing herself for the new guidelines in advance by successfully working this problem out and having a strategy to do so in the future. We parted with her thanking me for bringing things to her attention and her agreeing it would be nice for us to cross paths at a later date with the problem resolved and I actually felt she wanted to solve the problem as we left - sold to that head teacher !
My son came home from school the next day saying the whole school had had a talking to at assembly, all the bullies had been rounded up and spoken to by the head and letters sent to their parents... and he had had no problems.
He s never been bullied since, now a year on and the worst bit for us as parents was when two weeks after it was sorted the worst bully called at our house to play with him and we had to let him in whilst both of us wanting to cuff him around the earhole !
we made a point of thanking the head and know since four kids left last year no other parents have had to do so this year.0 -
Put him in Taekwondo0
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I know this is a fitness site but I really need some opinions. My 6-year-old son was pushed, tripped, sworn at and had his hood from his winter coat thrown away by a couple of 8-year-olds from the same school. They also punched other little kids and caused another boy from his class to bleed. This happened over the three recess breaks they have during the school. From what I could gather from my son...it has happened before and will continue. I am of course livid and I called the school and left a message on their voicemail as the school was closed by the time I got home and found out what had happened. The kids don't have school tomorrow but I will be going to the school first thing Monday morning. I would love nothing more than to confront these kids and give them a piece of my mind. I will be speaking to the school Principal and with my son's teacher as well as these kids' teacher.
Have you ever had to deal with bullies picking on your children at school? What did you do and what was the outcome? I want this solved now and I do not want my son to be scared to go to school because of them. You hear so many tragic stories of bullies making their victim's life hell to the point where they have to change schools to escape.....or something a lot worse. I do not want it to get to that point.
Thanks in advance for listening and any advice you can give me as I have never had a problem like this before.
When I was at primary school, I was being beaten up by 2 kids everyday. I went to my Dad and told him about it (through floods of tears, I might add). His response: "It'll keep happening until you stand up to them".
I didn't stand up to them. It kept happening. One day (months later) I snapped. I told the meanest one "I'll meet you after school" the implication was clear: fight! fight! fight! The whole school turned out. In an unlikely turn of events I windmilled my arms and caught the boy in the eye. He went down. Everyone saw. A teacher came out and shooed everyone away. The next day he came in with a black eye (which he claimed his dog did by jumping up and catching him). Long story short: no one believed him, no one bothered me again. I've never let anyone walk over me since that day.
At the time I begged and pleaded with my Dad to go to the school and do something. But, he understood what needed to happen. I just needed to take the problem into my own two hands and solve it. If he would have tried to sort it out for me, he wouldn't have really solved it.0 -
Have him get audio, or of course video is better. If that's at all possible, do it. Pursuing it with the school is great, but calmly and firmly let them know that you will pursue it if it continues. That you mean business.
I had to fend for myself because my dad told me the only solution was to punch the bully. I actually didn't appreciate that, because I knew the bully's parents and they would have straightened the kid out if my parents had made waves with them.
I did punch him, eventually. He was a big kid, and another older boy was holding my arms! But that one punch completely freaked him out and that really was the end of it. I grew up with only boys in my neighborhood, and I spent every afternoon wrestling and fighting for fun, lol. But I still don't think it was the best solution. No need for a little, polite kid to HAVE to come to real blows, imho.0 -
I don't have children but wished I learnt a martial art when I was being bullied. would have helped with not only physically but mentally as well.
Bullies only pick on people weaker than them so ensure your kids can stand up for them selves. It would help with confidence as well.0 -
I don't know what the rules are these days, but my mother always told me never to start something but to always finish it. So if anyone ever picked on me as a kid, I would beat the living s**t out of that kid, and if I got in trouble for it, my parents just backed me up because I was being hit first. Of course, I was pretty scrappy and scary and had quite a bit of rage. Not everyone is like that. I am so sorry your son is going through this.0
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What you need to do is put your son into some type of martial arts so he can defend himself.
This! I teach martial arts and one of our biggest things is what to do about bullies.
#1. Make sure he knows to go right to a teacher or staff member and tell them what happened EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS.
#2. He needs to tell you as soon as he gets home EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS.
#3. He AND the school administration need to know that if at some point after trying to avoid the kids and telling on the kids he feels like he needs to hit back (and at our school if we have a kid that is being bullied come talk to us, we will show them exactly what to do in their case) in order to defend himself, YOU SUPPORT HIM. At least here in the US everybody has the right to defend them self legally. A lot of schools have a zero tolerance policy but what ends up happening is bullies get away with it until the bullied kid hits back and then the bullied kid gets suspended for fighting. We actually praise kids that we teach if that ends up happening to them because most bullies back down if you fight back and they might even leave other kids alone after that. Also, if there are other bullies at school a lot of times, if a kid ends up hitting (or whatever) one of them, the others leave said kid alone too. Even if it is against policy, he has the RIGHT to defend himself!0 -
Oh, and it doesn't matter what style of martial art you put him in. As long as it is a good school, they will have something helpful to offer.0
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I don't have children but wished I learnt a martial art when I was being bullied. would have helped with not only physically but mentally as well.
Bullies only pick on people weaker than them so ensure your kids can stand up for them selves. It would help with confidence as well.
There are different kinds of bullying, and hitting back can make things much worse in some cases. I learned martial arts as a kid, and was still bullied, i.e. the kind of insidious exclusion/sly verbal insults kind of bullying where if you hit the bullies back, they cry, then treat the one you hit like the victim and gang up against you even more. Ditto fighting back verbally. They still side with each other against you, paint you as the mean one, and carry on bullying you. And in some cases like this nowadays, with more awareness of bullying in schools, bullies like this can use your child's attempts to stand up for themselves to go to the teachers and accuse your child of being the bully, and the teachers are more likely to believe the group, than one lone individual who it's know actually hit/said nasty things to others in front of witnesses (the teacher doesn't know all the witnesses are the bullies).
Also, in one case I (and several others) were bullied by one girl in one martial arts team. Why? she was better at it than the rest of us so attempts to fight back failed..... until we got together as a group and beat the s*** out of her as a group and then she left us alone after that. But in any case, some bullies are really good a fighting and will fight back if confronted, and a lone bullied individual can't get a gang together to beat up the bully. In my case this worked, because she had several victims and would rotate between us. But it doesn't work like that in every case.
Anyway, I wanted to say that because there are a lot of responses on this thread from people who seem to think that studying martial arts is the ultimate answer to bullying. It's not. It's just one approach that can work in some situations. You need to take a much more pro-active approach which takes into account the kind of bullying that's going on. And in some cases, leaving the group is the best option. Some people are toxic, and adults know that and have the option of leaving a toxic social group. Kids should be allowed to take that option too, if that's what the situation warrants.0 -
quoted instead of editing ooops0
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I just went thru this, I had to pull my daughter out of that school, and into a new one, she came home crying at the old school every day,i had to walk her to school and pick her up, not only did they bully, they came out to beat her up,i know how you feel0
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I just went thru this, I had to pull my daughter out of that school, and into a new one, she came home crying at the old school every day,i had to walk her to school and pick her up, not only did they bully, they came out to beat her up,i know how you feel
Hope she s ok now...
out of interest did this workout as when i spoke to parents who changed schools a similar patern developed which is why i chose to sort the problem keeping him in the same school.0 -
So sorry for your son. I think you are definitely starting in the right direction. Hopefully the school helps you out.
I support the martial arts suggestions. My son took karate during grade school and middle school. Not only was he taught physical moves, his instructor also taught safety and character building. He even had the kids do play acting. He would role play potentially dangerous situations and see how the kids would react. Martial arts also teaches self defense.
I think is it right to go through the school first. Hopefully the bully's parents are decent people that will put a stop to it once notified. I also believe that if the proper channels do not work, your son needs to be able to defend himself. I still believe if the bully won't stop, give it back in spades~!
Good luck.0 -
What you need to do is put your son into some type of martial arts so he can defend himself.
i agree. the school can only do so much, report it to the school , see the other kids parents about it if your comfortable with that but most of all send him to a martial arts club so he learns how to deal with bullies and it keeps his confidence up x
I ended up home schooling my son after his second year in highschool, the teachers and students were bullying him (small clique towns that dont like 'outsiders') there was no alternative school to move him to. so thats 2 more options for you.0 -
I know no women will agree but you also have to teach your kids to fight their own battles. The bullies obviously have to be addressed but kids aren't going to be able to run home to mommy every time they get their feelings hurts. Like Rocky said, "nothing hits harder than life".0
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Zero tolerence policies are BS, they don't stop bullying they encourage it. A bully thrives on the inaction of others. Before zero tollerence the bully had to keep other kids afraid of him/her. Now he has the weight of zero taollerence backing him up. A lot of kids would step in and defend the weaker party but now they are afraid of getting introuble themselves.
I taught my kids to Step up and Step in. They all have, two of them recieved suspensions for fighting. My youngest daughter sat in the principles office laughing because the bully was crying because he was afraid of getting in trouble. My son stopped a weaker child from being hung over a second floor stair railing.. When he got suspended, he told the principle,"No problem. I'd do it again." I'm proud of both of them.
Thank you for teaching your children to help those in need. So true about bullies losing their power when all the kids start taking action.0 -
I wouldn't even bother with the school. They're probably useless.
I'd go straight to the parents.0 -
Does the school that your son goes to have a SRO (School Resource Officer) if so, please bring it to their attention. That is one of the reasons they are there, to protect the welfare of the students. If not- go to the principle. I was bullied in high school so I am well aware of what can happen. D not let this go!. Good Luck0
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I work in suicide prevention and bullying is obviously a HUGE deal. You have the right plan in place. Get to the school and talk to the principal and his teacher. There is no excuse for a school to allow this kind of behavior and my hope for you is that your school is one of the good ones that will actually do something about it. I would also encourage you to attend any kind of PTA meetings your school might have so that this can be discussed in a larger forum. Other parents might be dealing with some of the same things or might even be completely unaware that this is going on.
A loud parent is a good parent. Never worry about making waves. Protect your child. While I understand the inclincation to confront the kids who are actually bullying your son, addressing the issue with the school and even requesting that they get the parents to come in to talk together would be your best move.
Lastly, talk to your son. Ask questions. Some kids have incredible resiliency and can shake this kind of stuff off. Others are affected greatly by bullying. Be sure he knows he can talk to you at any time about anything. Do some research about child resiliency and see if there is anything you can learn to help him build his up.
I wish you the best and I sincerely hope the school reacts appropriately to this news.
^^^^ This guy right here is awesome....great advice and is probably what I would do in this case.
If it was still 1983....it would be a different story, but its not.
) Good Luck! 0 -
NO.I wouldn't even bother with the school. They're probably useless.
I'd go straight to the parents.0 -
My kids will be in self defense classes as early as possible and I will have them trained into killing machines by the time they are 10.
I will also raise them to only use it as defense, calm yo selves!0
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