School bullies picking on my son.....any advice??

TheRoadDog

Wait and see what comes of calling the school. They may take care of it. It's definitely a hot subject these days. I can give no advice otherwise.

I was in grammar school over 50 years ago. I had red hair, freckles and was smaller than the other children. When I got picked on, my father told me to fight back. I did. They stopped picking on me. Of course, that is not a recommended course of action 50 years later. It's politically incorrect.

Marmitegeoff

When it happened gto my son, I taught him to punch HARD. He only had to land 1 blow and the rest of the group backed off.

Miss_Meliss86

My kids will be in self defense classes as early as possible and I will have them trained into killing machines by the time they are 10.


I will also raise them to only use it as defense, calm yo selves!

Parenting WIN. Self-Defence classes (karate, judo, etc.) provides the kid with confidence more than anything.

MyChocolateDiet

My daughter had issues at her old school and I could never really put my finger on why. She was just very awkward socially and struggled so much with her school work. I spoke to her teacher so many times about my concerns only to be brushed off. I went has high up as the school board only to be told "the year is almost over. We'll see how she does next year" Ugh! REALLY? Well at the end of the year her class had a field trip to the zoo and suddenly it clicked. The other girls in her class were snooty. No better way of putting it. My daughter was being bullied with words more than with actions (no hitting or pushing). When it came time to break off into groups she was never chosen by the girls she thought were her friends. They told her it was because she her shoes were from Walmart. Later on they were telling her that they were glad she wasn't in their group because she would have slowed them down since she can't read very well.
My heart was just breaking into pieces! With only 2 weeks left in the year I stood by my daughters side and coached her through each scenario as best I could. The school wouldn't help and her teacher refused to believe that these girls were having an effect on my daughter. I have since transferred her to another school where she is thriving! Her grades are up, she has a ton of friends, and her teacher is absolutely outstanding.
I will say this though, had I not been able to transfer I would have gone to the news paper and TV stations, whatever I had to do to draw attention to the fact that their whole anti-bully campaign was a fail. I would have also waited at the school like a stalker waiting to find the parents and confront them. We are told not to do this, but I would have if my daughter ended up having to endure another year of it. Thankfully, her life is getting much easier. Good luck to you! I hope it stops for your son.

You mean speak to them rationally and bring up your concerns right?

MyChocolateDiet

My kids will be in self defense classes as early as possible and I will have them trained into killing machines by the time they are 10.


I will also raise them to only use it as defense, calm yo selves!

Parenting WIN. Self-Defence classes (karate, judo, etc.) provides the kid with confidence more than anything.

IDK. My friend said her boss tried this with her two boys and they did not really get the point. I think it's a case by case thing. Apparently these two boys who were close in age were pulled out of those classes because they were just learning new tricks and were not understanding the discipline, and use only when necessary parts.

MyChocolateDiet

I wouldn't even bother with the school. They're probably useless.

I'd go straight to the parents.

Listen if you honestly beleive your school is "useless" it's time to change schools.

ldrosophila

I'm lucky my kids is still in a nice bully free warm environment, but I agree Mama bear. It would be very hard not to contemplate a bag of lime and a good desert summer with the parents of those bullies.

escloflowneCHANGED

My kids will be in self defense classes as early as possible and I will have them trained into killing machines by the time they are 10.


I will also raise them to only use it as defense, calm yo selves!

Parenting WIN. Self-Defence classes (karate, judo, etc.) provides the kid with confidence more than anything.

IDK. My friend said her boss tried this with her two boys and they did not really get the point. I think it's a case by case thing. Apparently these two boys who were close in age were pulled out of those classes because they were just learning new tricks and were not understanding the discipline, and use only when necessary parts.

That's where the parenting is important

MyChocolateDiet

My son had a similar issue around that age. I told him to stand up for himself. Make a fist and as hard as you can, punch him right in the nose. He wont mess with you and neither will anyone else if they know you will do something about it. Bullies pick on kids that they can. Of coarse he was young and scared and said he couldn't do that. I called his teacher, explained it to her and said you take care of it or with my blessing, my son will. She took care of it.

I have said this to both my daughter(10) and son(8). I also explained that they would not be in trouble at home as long as they told the other person to stop and/or a teacher about the problem & I would take care of any issues the school had with it.

Is there any chance the teacher would have taken care of it simply by your bringing it to her attention and not adding the extra threat of your son reacting with condoned violence back?

BillyC96

I was bullied by a neighbour when I was about 6. My dad said 'Next time he knocks you down, get up and keep fighting. If he does it again, get back up. Sooner or later, you'll beat him.' It sounds stupid now, but it worked. He knocked me down, and I got up. He knocked me down again and I got back up. Then I knocked him down. He never picked on me again.

MizTerry

Yes yes yes...

My oldest girl who was 7 at the time had a boy that kept throwing her. I put her and her sister in Taekwondo. One day he rushed her and on impulse she nailed him right in the stomach. He never messed with her again.

My middle child, due to having high functioning autism (I didn't know this at the time) began to get picked on in middle school. I worked with the school a LOT on this, but no matter what the school does, kids are sneaky and will find other means of messing with those who are weaker. Even with Taekwondo, she is a gentle spirit and wouldn't do anything. I put her in counseling which helped a LOT.

My youngest is in fourth grade now and is beginning to get picked on. I told her that until she gets angry and decides enough is enough, they will continue. I told her that where she lacks in friends, she should apply herself in school. BTW, all three of my girls are black belts in Taekwondo so they know what to do if ever cornered, but they've been taught to use it as a last resort.

Work on building up your child. Teach him that it doesn't matter WHAT other people think, what matters is what you think and how he views himself.

TattooedNici

When it happened gto my son, I taught him to punch HARD. He only had to land 1 blow and the rest of the group backed off.

I completely agree with this and feel that you did the right thing by teaching your child to defend himself. Everyone, including children, have the right to defend themselves. Period.

michelleLynette

I wouldn't even bother with the school. They're probably useless.

I'd go straight to the parents.

NO.

NO and NO..where do you think they learned this behavior? The parents will do nothing but shift the blame back to the other child..I have seen this done over and over and over again ..Bully kids usually have Bully parents..

rileamoyer

My kids will be in self defense classes as early as possible and I will have them trained into killing machines by the time they are 10.


I will also raise them to only use it as defense, calm yo selves!

Parenting WIN. Self-Defence classes (karate, judo, etc.) provides the kid with confidence more than anything.

Work with the school, and the other kids' parents. Also, work closely with you child, and heck yeah, self defense classes are a great idea. AND I still believe it is ok to tell your kid to fight back if he feels he must. We are wussifying our kids with political correctness, sometimes you just have to make a stand. I believe it is ok to teach your child that.

MyChocolateDiet

When my daughter was being bullied by another child in her class, I spoke to the teacher and then to the principal. I explained (very calmly but very firmly) that this was unacceptable and it was going to stop. I kept a record of each and every time it happened and exactly what happened. I quoted their own anti-bullying rules and pointed out that if they didn't make it stop, I would go to the media and that I was prepared to make as much noise as necessary to ensure it stopped. When they suggested peer mediation, I said that was unacceptable. My daughter did not need to make friends with this child. My daughter did not need to have anything to do with this child. They actually dealt with it fairly quickly after that and the children basically had a no-contact rule going at school. At the end of the year, I wrote a letter to the school and told them I would not stand for my daughter being placed in the same class as this child the following year.

Our situation resolved very well but either way, because I listened to my daughter and advocated for her, it gave her much more confidence and assurance in handling the situation during the time it was being settled and several years on, I think she's a much stronger kid because she knows she has someone who will stand in her corner and fight for her.

For the people advocating your kid learn to fight and stand up for themselves, I was bullied as a kid and told this by my father. I fought back like he said and beat the stuffing out of my bully. *******The only thing that happened as a result was that everyone else wanted to fight me and see if I could beat them. It truly resolved nothing. ********Now that was just my experience but it's not something I would advise for my own child (although she is currently taking a self-defence course and I see nothing wrong with a child learning to defend themselves as a very last resort).

This is what I have observed with a childhood friend's experience as well. She stepped in to help another girl on day one of freshman year. She was tiny but feisty and ruthless and "won". That set her cast for the next 4 years. She was a much sought after opponent and picked on to the end of physical violence pretty regularly after that. I only became her friend in year 3 of high school as it took that long plus a personal introduction by a mutual guy friend for me to understand that she was NOT really a fighter per se but all this was set in motion that fateful first freshman day in gym class. She confided in me she always wished she could go back and change that day once on a ditch day over Strawberry Hill and boy talk.

tedrickp

I know no women will agree but you also have to teach your kids to fight their own battles. The bullies obviously have to be addressed but kids aren't going to be able to run home to mommy every time they get their feelings hurts. Like Rocky said, "nothing hits harder than life".

LOL Multiple women in this very thread suggested it.

rduhlir

I dont' have any children, but I have seen my sister-in-law (she is in high school now) end up having to go through some bullying. My mother-in-law documented and photographed everything (what happened to her was web-based so she printed out all the stuff both in word document and by screen shots) and basically said that if the school wouldnt' do anything then she would be taking it to the police and pressing charges. She was willing to go as far as to the press for help if it came down to that. Luckily it was nipped in the butt, and a lot of other kids came out and were talking about what had happened to them. Needless to say, the child who was doing the bullying was dealt with accordingly.

Just stand your ground on this and be willing to go as far you need to to ensure the safety of your child.

dossha

It's amazing what children are up against now. My advice, build your childs confidence. Get him involved in self defense classes with good instructors that are not teaching just self-defense, but disciplines that will equip him with knowlege of when to defend and when to walk away.

Request a conference with the parents, working together to find out the root cause of the bullying this can create a win, win for everybody. For children to be bullying other children there is something going wrong in the home. Work together, all the children need help.

tedrickp

Caught up on thread and noticed people mention the negative repercussions of fighting back.

I agree with that - it can lead to things spiralling out of control.

However, getting your child into a martial art is actually not about fighting back IMO. It is a community for your child first off. A potential safe haven. Somewhere he can go and be surrounded by a "team". It is also about confidence - learning to defend yourself isn't just about winning a fight - it is so you can carry yourself with confidence. As corny as it may seem - that matters. (may be more helpful to an older child than OPs tho)

PRMinx

Record it on video. You will need proof.

From there I'd tell the school and if they were complacent about it, I'd go to the parents. I'd record everything. Since the parents probably suck as well, this would really just be a warning shot for me. If I didn't get the results I wanted from the school or the parents, I'd take the video to the cops and the nearest news station. They are just itching for a bully story.

And I get your son enrolled in self defense, karate, martial arts, kickboxing or a similar type of activity. It will help him build confidence, make new friends and defend himself.

PurpleBeauty02

Teach him not to let other kids walk all over him. Of course speak with the Adminstration at the school but also let him know he needs to start hitting these kids back.

MyChocolateDiet

As others have said previously. The schools aren't always ready to step up to the plate on action. I can remember in my daughters junior school a bullying issue stemming from one particular girl. It turned out her mum was a school governor so that made them pretty reluctant to do anything. Plus talking to the parents can sometimes be a total waste of time. They either don't give a toss, or think their little darling would never bully.

At my childs former school I was invited to many meetings that did not particularly pertain to me for a reason I won't go into detail here. At one of those meetings the sudden and unrelated topic of bullying came up spontaneously. One of the mothers after hearing about 5 parents go on at length about the bullying their children were enduring and listening intently spoke up..... " I have listened to see if any of you were talking about my child. It seems as though none of you are since you all mentioned your child's bully specifically." She went on to say that she sadly considered her child a bully and the steps she took to correct her child. It was very sad to see someone admit that. It took every fiber in my being not to crawl across the table and take her in my arms and hug her. I felt very sad that when I asked if she beleived it was learned behavior she misunderstood that to mean that I was inferring from her household. I corrected myself to make it clear i meant did she beleive he learned it from other children. After her talk many mothers in that room seem releived. One or two of them resolved to talk to the school and not feel so alienated or adversarial with the parents in their cases. They also seemed to develop an understanding of the child doing the bad things. Finally, this meeting was facilitated by a counselor who was supposed to be doing another topic for these ladies but on this topic instructed as follows. Now that she knew there was a perceived problem by multiple parents she would bring up to admin she can have time alloted for that. In the interim she provided all of us in that room with a tool where she claimed that studies show that the simple act of standing alongside a bullied child, (not even saying or doing anything, just standing) is usually enough to get the bully to back off. I have since tried this technique with my child as he tends to go off too far sometimes and I can't tell you how many times it has appeared from a distance something was "up" and when I stand near and it's obvious we are together they leave. His true friends never run off when I step up. New friends with no ill intent either. Only the ones up to no good do it. Make sense?

ETA: I had already known the mother who admitted that previously as a very sweet, generous, kind, humble, and classy lady. It was a shocker! After that we became closer and some commiserating on other topics helped inform my decision to ultimately leave the school.

fannyfrost

OK schools have a no tolerance to bullying. you can't let it be known though that you reported it. Your son can't be known as the one it is happening to. Most schools have ways of dealing with it these days. Bullying in dangerous and must be reported.

Read up on the internet, look up information on how to handle it going forward, what to do if it escalates or continues. Once you report if the school does nothing they can get in a lot of trouble. You can escalate all the way to the school board if needed. Try not to, but Bullying is serious. the thing is that if your kid is known to have told, he will get picked on more. So do your best to be discreet.

I did not read the entire thread to see if anything happened since you first wrote, but know that it is NOT OK.

Tropicalfirestorm

The teacher's aren't going to do squat. As a kid who was bullied I can promise you this.


The best thing to do is ACT NICE AND NOT MAD. As the principle, nicely, (don't sound like a raving lunatic who will hurt children or who is deeply upset or try to blame the school, that will just offend them. And no offense sweetie but what you described isn't a big deal for the average kid to deal with. Source: I went to three different schools. and I'm female.) if you can request a meeting with the children who were bullying your son (get specific names) and their parents.


During that meeting talk to the parents and make them aware of what happened (don't sound accusing. sound like the nice, hurt and confused, party that is defending your son, but who is not pointing fingers but just wants this resolved), and ask what can be done to resolve this situation.

After the meeting take the principle aside where you won't be heard and ask if disciplinary action such as short term suspension will happen if these actions continue. Don't do it in front of the parents. THEY ARE ALREADY AWARE OF THIS.

This is your best bet for getting physical violence resolved.

Name calling will still happen. It's part of socialization.

edit: spitting counts as physical harm.

edit: to be honest I am surprised you are so shocked at this. Bullying is a part of life. Focus on teaching your kid not to care about it and to believe in himself and not get down on the haters. Don't make him feel bad for coming to you- that was good and right... but give him the tools he needs so that if something light happens like name calling he can ignore it and stand up for himself rather than coming to his mom. You don't want him to become one of those kids who is incapable of standing up for themselves and is all angsty and claims they will commit suicide if anyone is ever mean to them. People are mean in life- teach HIM how to react to that.

mariahk35

I work for a school district so I see it the best advise I can give you is this. Get involved talk to the principal, recess ladies, teacher etc.. Make them all aware of what is happening. Have your son go to them as soon as something happens. Many times the teachers, bus driver etc have no idea what is going on. But if you make them aware they can watch for it, or punish the kids if it happens again. But be firm and keep going in if you have to, remember the squeaky wheel gets the grease!

fbmandy55

I feel your pain. My son is in kindergarten and has been having accidents recently. NEVER in his life has he had an accident before starting school. We were talking to him and trying to find out that cause. I did learn that the accidents are just due to his bad aim when peeing but I also learned that there is a group of kids that knock him down constantly at recess. It's daily.

I never would have expected my son to get picked on, he is the most outgoing kid in the world, but these bullies look at him like they are too cool and he is a weirdo for being outgoing and friendly. When he told me about the recess issue, I cried and I wanted to find those kids and string them up by their toes.

I talked to his teacher and she assured me she would let the recess monitor know so she could keep an eye on them. I can't believe this is a problem in kindergarten!

MyChocolateDiet

I dont' have any children, but I have seen my sister-in-law (she is in high school now) end up having to go through some bullying. My mother-in-law documented and photographed everything (what happened to her was web-based so she printed out all the stuff both in word document and by screen shots) and basically said that if the school wouldnt' do anything then she would be taking it to the police and pressing charges. She was willing to go as far as to the press for help if it came down to that. Luckily it was nipped in the butt, and a lot of other kids came out and were talking about what had happened to them. Needless to say, the child who was doing the bullying was dealt with accordingly.

Just stand your ground on this and be willing to go as far you need to to ensure the safety of your child.

Hey guys I don't want to come of as mean or a bully but y'all are driving me crazy. It's "nipped it in the bud" as in not allowing the budding flower to blossom. I tried to ignore it but it's continuing and seeming like some of you might be learning it in this thread. It's gonna make my eye twitch if it continues so yeah.

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/nip+in+the+bud

Tropicalfirestorm

I work for a school district so I see it the best advise I can give you is this. Get involved talk to the principal, recess ladies, teacher etc.. Make them all aware of what is happening. Have your son go to them as soon as something happens. Many times the teachers, bus driver etc have no idea what is going on. But if you make them aware they can watch for it, or punish the kids if it happens again. But be firm and keep going in if you have to, remember the squeaky wheel gets the grease!

If you talk to all those people the kid will be known as a pansy and be picked on harder than ever.

He doesn't need his mommy to protect him from everyone, just to stop the physical violence.

MyChocolateDiet

I feel your pain. My son is in kindergarten and has been having accidents recently. NEVER in his life has he had an accident before starting school. We were talking to him and trying to find out that cause. I did learn that the accidents are just due to his bad aim when peeing but I also learned that there is a group of kids that knock him down constantly at recess. It's daily.

I never would have expected my son to get picked on, he is the most outgoing kid in the world, but these bullies look at him like they are too cool and he is a weirdo for being outgoing and friendly. When he told me about the recess issue, I cried and I wanted to find those kids and string them up by their toes.

I talked to his teacher and she assured me she would let the recess monitor know so she could keep an eye on them. I can't believe this is a problem in kindergarten!

you mean you wanted to find them and have a nice long talk with them and show them other ways to deal with their feelings, right?

and sadly yes it is a problem in kindergarten. so so so sad. I'm sorry you went through this, just know you aren't the only one. :flowerforyou:

fbmandy55

I feel your pain. My son is in kindergarten and has been having accidents recently. NEVER in his life has he had an accident before starting school. We were talking to him and trying to find out that cause. I did learn that the accidents are just due to his bad aim when peeing but I also learned that there is a group of kids that knock him down constantly at recess. It's daily.

I never would have expected my son to get picked on, he is the most outgoing kid in the world, but these bullies look at him like they are too cool and he is a weirdo for being outgoing and friendly. When he told me about the recess issue, I cried and I wanted to find those kids and string them up by their toes.

I talked to his teacher and she assured me she would let the recess monitor know so she could keep an eye on them. I can't believe this is a problem in kindergarten!

you mean you wanted to find them and have a nice long talk with them and show them other ways to deal with their feelings, right?

and sadly yes it is a problem in kindergarten. so so so sad. I'm sorry you went through this, just know you aren't the only one. :flowerforyou:

God forbid we have to get the parents of the kids involved too, they are just about worthless. The school principle actually had to send out a newsletter on appropriate parental behavior at school and home. Parents were cussing, smoking, fighting on school property and it's clear many do not supervise their kids at home, as inappropriate movies/tv, language are a problem there as well. Then again, that;s the city schools for you. You don't see many parents walking around school in the country, which is where we intended to start our son in school...