'Tis the season to be insulted by family members?
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Anyway, OP I am sorry she hurt your feelings. But just consider the source and try to let it go.0
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IMHO, it doesn't matter the age of the person saying it. that being said, this child should be corrected and told it is not polite to say those kinds of things, regardless of being true or not. my mother made those fat/poorly dressed comments all my life, and still does some times (i am in my 40's now). so, i know that it had an effect on my self and body images. still does. my husband loves me at any size, just wants me to take care of myself and be healthy. i agree with the fact that i have to learn not to let those comments hurt me, but i still believe a person shouldn't be making those comments to another.0
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People say hurtful things all the time. If it's not about weight, it will be about hair, clothing, style, etc. It probably just hurt more because it was a family member.
People who are successful have thick skin. It may take time to "grow" it, but it gets thicker when one doesn't let outside negative influence deter them from reaching whatever goal they are trying to achieve.
I like being like a rhino.
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You like being a rhino, I like being a duck. You see ducks shake the rain and water off of themselves. Well, that's what I do. I just let the negative roll right down my back to my tail feathers, then shake it all off with a sassy little shake of my tail.0 -
Thank you for the thoughtful post. I agree with you - insults are insults, whether or not they are true. Like you say, some people are unattractive. Is it ever okay to tell someone they are ugly? I don't think so. Such words are said with ill intent...I do not think it is okay to sell these things as "truths", especially not to young children trying to figure out what is and isn't okay.
why is it an insult????
and yes there are times to let people know they aren't attractive. Like when one of those people can't figure out why they can't get into modelling....
there is a time for truth no matter who you are or what that truth is....
As a parent I raised my son to be tactful but truthful...he is an awful hockey player I didn't raise him telling him he was gonna be the next gretzky...please.
Not all truths aka insults are said with ill intent...such as the one Im saying now.
That's correct! There is a time and a place for hurtful, true comments. A 10 year old calling her aunt fat and her grandmother ugly and old is definitely not one of those situations.
but again ...why was it an insult? was it her tone? was it a mean tone? taunting tone? or tormenting tone?
and no truth has to be hurtful....it's all in how you take it...0 -
It may not have been an insult but it was an inappropriate comment which should have been addressed by her mother. At the age of 11 you are plenty old enough to learn there are things you just don't comment on unless asked, and even then you find a tactful way to express your opinion.Thank you for the thoughtful post. I agree with you - insults are insults, whether or not they are true. Like you say, some people are unattractive. Is it ever okay to tell someone they are ugly? I don't think so. Such words are said with ill intent...I do not think it is okay to sell these things as "truths", especially not to young children trying to figure out what is and isn't okay.
why is it an insult????
and yes there are times to let people know they aren't attractive. Like when one of those people can't figure out why they can't get into modelling....
there is a time for truth no matter who you are or what that truth is....
As a parent I raised my son to be tactful but truthful...he is an awful hockey player I didn't raise him telling him he was gonna be the next gretzky...please.
Not all truths aka insults are said with ill intent...such as the one Im saying now.
That's correct! There is a time and a place for hurtful, true comments. A 10 year old calling her aunt fat and her grandmother ugly and old is definitely not one of those situations.
but again ...why was it an insult? was it her tone? was it a mean tone? taunting tone? or tormenting tone?
and no truth has to be hurtful....it's all in how you take it...0 -
"physical violence"?? Ok. A quick smack on her mouth is a simple sting that she deserves. This country kills me. If at 11 she doesn't have empathy, she either hasn't been parented right (and by the mother's lack of caring I can guess she hasn't been) or she won't learn by sweet little talks.
Yes physical voilence...smackin a child in the mouth is physical violence...and teaches them it's okay to do it.
What are you gonna do give a quick smack to my mouth when I say something you don't like???? I don't friggen think so.
At 11 (I have kids of my own and neices and nephews) empathy should already be developing...it's not a sweet talk it's one that goes like this..
Aunt: Yes I am too big and I need to lose some weight but it's very hard sometimes, but pointing out the fact that I am fat is not very nice and is hurtful to say (if you feel that way)
Trust me that said to a child at that age will feel bad unless they are devoid of emotion.0 -
It may not have been an insult but it was an inappropriate comment which should have been addressed by her mother. At the age of 11 you are plenty old enough to learn there are things you just don't comment on unless asked, and even then you find a tactful way to express your opinion.
Why the mother? If my neices or nephews are being little jerks I deal with it...the OP needed to address the situation, she was the one hurt and trust me 10-11 year olds are more inclinded to listen to an aunt or an uncle faster then a mom or dad..
Esp a beloved aunt etc.0 -
I don't know about the OP and I do see what you are saying but IMO, it is hurtful because being fat is socially unacceptable/synonymous to ugly pretty much. Even if it is true, it isn't like they are pointing out something nice about you (such as you have pretty eyes).
I am only saying this because a lot of people, esp. girls (at least in middle/high school and on cheap reality shows) will say "she's fat" to insult someone they don't like. Children really do pick up what they hear I believe, so it is also hurtful that your relatives are talking behind your back and or maybe judge people who are fat.
It makes you feel uncomfortable mainly, at least in my case. As if that is all they think of when they are talking to you. I agree with you though, it is all how you project yourself in your mind and it is up to you to care or not in the end.0 -
It may not have been an insult but it was an inappropriate comment which should have been addressed by her mother. At the age of 11 you are plenty old enough to learn there are things you just don't comment on unless asked, and even then you find a tactful way to express your opinion.
Why the mother? If my neices or nephews are being little jerks I deal with it...the OP needed to address the situation, she was the one hurt and trust me 10-11 year olds are more inclinded to listen to an aunt or an uncle faster then a mom or dad..
Esp a beloved aunt etc.
The mother, because she is the mother! That is her job. I do understand and agree that kids will listen to aunts and cousins - I would have talked to her if we had that kind of relationship. I only see her once every two months, and did not want to be "that person" disciplining other people's children.
I just wanted to have fun and bond with her...no serious conversations about why insulting people is bad. That is not my role in her life at this point. 0 -
"physical violence"?? Ok. A quick smack on her mouth is a simple sting that she deserves. This country kills me. If at 11 she doesn't have empathy, she either hasn't been parented right (and by the mother's lack of caring I can guess she hasn't been) or she won't learn by sweet little talks.
Yes physical voilence...smackin a child in the mouth is physical violence...and teaches them it's okay to do it.
What are you gonna do give a quick smack to my mouth when I say something you don't like???? I don't friggen think so.
At 11 (I have kids of my own and neices and nephews) empathy should already be developing...it's not a sweet talk it's one that goes like this..
Aunt: Yes I am too big and I need to lose some weight but it's very hard sometimes, but pointing out the fact that I am fat is not very nice and is hurtful to say (if you feel that way)
Trust me that said to a child at that age will feel bad unless they are devoid of emotion.
im so interested/confused when i see other peoples response to spanking/smacks etc with kids. In the Caribbean community, as a child you are going to get your *kitten* BEAT if you disrespect your elders. Jamaicans, Trinis, Hatians etc. etc. etc do NOT play that foolishness whatsoever. yes, if you are out of line you are going to get smacked in the face. And yet, the kids I grew up with and the kids in my family including myself know that it's not appropriate to engage in physical violence.... we also know to respect our elders or there will be trouble. My mother alway said that even at her age (50) my grandmother would STILL smack her if she said someting disrespectful. From what I see in other families and the shocking disrespect that the kids show I never understood how that is tolerated but spankings are completely out of the question.
OP I can understand how you felt the comment more deeply because of your social anxiety issue. My family is very blunt and never keeps things quiet so when I gained weight i heard a WHOLE LOT about it. It was their way of showing they care but I get how it can make you feel. In the end, I hope you use it as motivation. :flowerforyou:0 -
It may not have been an insult but it was an inappropriate comment which should have been addressed by her mother. At the age of 11 you are plenty old enough to learn there are things you just don't comment on unless asked, and even then you find a tactful way to express your opinion.
Why the mother? If my neices or nephews are being little jerks I deal with it...the OP needed to address the situation, she was the one hurt and trust me 10-11 year olds are more inclinded to listen to an aunt or an uncle faster then a mom or dad..
Esp a beloved aunt etc.
The mother, because she is the mother! That is her job. I do understand and agree that kids will listen to aunts and cousins - I would have talked to her if we had that kind of relationship. I only see her once every two months, and did not want to be "that person" disciplining other people's children.
I just wanted to have fun and bond with her...no serious conversations about why insulting people is bad. That is not my role in her life at this point.
Exactly. It is not my role nor my right to try to parent any child other than my own unless I am hired to do so. (I was a nanny once)Too bad her parents don't seem to be succeeding at parenting, but it's not OP's place to try to parent her in a social setting without the parents being involved.0 -
Bingo!It may not have been an insult but it was an inappropriate comment which should have been addressed by her mother. At the age of 11 you are plenty old enough to learn there are things you just don't comment on unless asked, and even then you find a tactful way to express your opinion.
Why the mother? If my neices or nephews are being little jerks I deal with it...the OP needed to address the situation, she was the one hurt and trust me 10-11 year olds are more inclinded to listen to an aunt or an uncle faster then a mom or dad..
Esp a beloved aunt etc.
The mother, because she is the mother! That is her job. I do understand and agree that kids will listen to aunts and cousins - I would have talked to her if we had that kind of relationship. I only see her once every two months, and did not want to be "that person" disciplining other people's children.
I just wanted to have fun and bond with her...no serious conversations about why insulting people is bad. That is not my role in her life at this point.
Mother and father are the parents it is their job to address these issues! It is the aunts job to spoil and hav fun with the children and give them back hyper.
I'll be damned if I let slide an oppertunity to teach and raise my children. I take pride in their maners, it directly reflects my skills as a parent, not the aunts skills as an aunt.0 -
Bingo!It may not have been an insult but it was an inappropriate comment which should have been addressed by her mother. At the age of 11 you are plenty old enough to learn there are things you just don't comment on unless asked, and even then you find a tactful way to express your opinion.
Why the mother? If my neices or nephews are being little jerks I deal with it...the OP needed to address the situation, she was the one hurt and trust me 10-11 year olds are more inclinded to listen to an aunt or an uncle faster then a mom or dad..
Esp a beloved aunt etc.
The mother, because she is the mother! That is her job. I do understand and agree that kids will listen to aunts and cousins - I would have talked to her if we had that kind of relationship. I only see her once every two months, and did not want to be "that person" disciplining other people's children.
I just wanted to have fun and bond with her...no serious conversations about why insulting people is bad. That is not my role in her life at this point.
Mother and father are the parents it is their job to address these issues! It is the aunts job to spoil and hav fun with the children and give them back hyper.
I'll be damned if I let slide an oppertunity to teach and raise my children. I take pride in their maners, it directly reflects my skills as a parent, not the aunts skills as an aunt.
*stands and claps*0 -
And imo that is where this world is failing.
"It's not my job" prevails in the workplace and in family dynamics.
If everyone in this world runs around saying it's not my job nothing is gonna get done.
You have the issue wth the kid you deal with it...oh wait...it's not your job...
but you will continue to be hurt by the words of a 10 year old and blame her mother for not putting your rules into effect.
btw I didn't say discipline..I said speak to the child, which is not discipline. You are not putting her in a time out or taking away her DS you are expressing your displeasure at her words.0 -
bump for later0
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Does anyone else here struggle with putting on a happy face during the holidays, due to judgments about weight or food intake?
Thank you!
Nope. If my family members regularly insulted me or made me feel bad, I would just stop going. Just because they are family does not mean I have to spend time with them.
My grandmother did used to love to gossip about other peoples' weight - "hefty" being her favorite adjective. I told her she was being rude. She was embarrassed that I called her out on it and hasn't done it since (around me anyway).0 -
And imo that is where this world is failing.
"It's not my job" prevails in the workplace and in family dynamics.
If everyone in this world runs around saying it's not my job nothing is gonna get done.
You have the issue wth the kid you deal with it...oh wait...it's not your job...
but you will continue to be hurt by the words of a 10 year old and blame her mother for not putting your rules into effect.
btw I didn't say discipline..I said speak to the child, which is not discipline. You are not putting her in a time out or taking away her DS you are expressing your displeasure at her words.
It is not my job. She is not my child. I love her, and want to spend fun time with her.
I've got another niece, she is 12. We have spent so much time together, I have bathed her and fed her over the years...tucked her in, had serious talks with her. There is a difference there - we have that kind of relationship, we see each other every couple of days.
This other niece, I do not get to see very often. Why would I taint her idea of me with preachy talks about proper behavior? That really, and truly, is not my place. I am quite motherly when it is called for...but I also know when to keep my trap shut. Why make a scene? That is not my style.
I came here for support and similar stories, and I do appreciate your different views.0 -
And imo that is where this world is failing.
"It's not my job" prevails in the workplace and in family dynamics.
If everyone in this world runs around saying it's not my job nothing is gonna get done.
You have the issue wth the kid you deal with it...oh wait...it's not your job...
but you will continue to be hurt by the words of a 10 year old and blame her mother for not putting your rules into effect.
btw I didn't say discipline..I said speak to the child, which is not discipline. You are not putting her in a time out or taking away her DS you are expressing your displeasure at her words.
I agree that hiding is not a good way to deal with it. It will keep happening if you don't explain to her how it makes you feel.0 -
How about "it's not my role"? I for one would be pretty upset if someone chose to have a talk about my kid's behavior in private without my knowledge. I spend a lot of time and energy instilling values into my kids and I would hate for someone to talk to them and try teaching something the way they they feel is right when I may not find it the right way for my children.0
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and this is why we differ in this..Bingo!
Mother and father are the parents it is their job to address these issues! It is the aunts job to spoil and hav fun with the children and give them back hyper.
I'll be damned if I let slide an oppertunity to teach and raise my children. I take pride in their maners, it directly reflects my skills as a parent, not the aunts skills as an aunt.
*stands and claps*
I take pride in my son, as does his aunts and uncles. He spends time with them and always has.
Mine is a grown man now (20 years old) and due to all of our input he has learned different views and different methods in dealing with life, as will all the children in my family. I always said..I am not raising a child I am raising a man and I want him to be the best man he can be an I can't teach him everything he needs to know as I am not an all knowing all seeing perfect person.
IMO it's not the job of an Aunt to let kids run wild and be brats, if you love a child it doesn't matter how they are related you want them to be the best they can be and in order for that to happen they have to learn from all the adults in their life.0
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