What's the purpose of marriage?
Replies
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Yes, there are way too many issues that come up. Interesting that you chose the phone as an example. It seems like you've been off the scene for a while. Phone calls are so infrequent now in the early stages of dating, which I think is detrimental because a phone call is a better way of transmitting meaning than a text message. It is taught that only 7% of communication is words. In any text based form of communication (text messages, email, forum posts, written articles), the message originator has to be extremely precise with wording to get the right message across. Even still, there is room for interpretation. With a phone call, there are vocal cues to go along with the words, enhancing meaning. When two people are still generally unfamiliar with each other, the more enhancements to the communication process, the better relationship formation will be. I'm a big believer in only having text messages for arranging logistics of in person get togethers in early stages, not carrying out conversations that have even a modicum of depth. Over reliance on the text message is a big downfall that I think anyone who has dated since the mid to late 2000s has had to deal with.
I've been with my husband over 20 years. I'm like the other poster that chimed in. If something happened to my husband, I would not date anyone. In my day, you called someone or knocked on their front door (if you knew them well) to ask them out. There's no way I could deal with the idiots out there now. It pissed me off enough back in the 80s. :laugh:0 -
There's a lot of posturing in the early stages of dating. Both sexes are guilty of this. As people age, the posturing does not go down in my experience, but in a marriage there's still a need to exhibit behaviors in a way that enhances attraction. A lot of couples talk about growing apart over time, and I think an extreme deviation from behaviors that initially brought about the attraction is a part of this.
My husband and I have both changed (matured...ok, gotten old), but we have grown together rather than apart. Neither of us consciously exhibit behaviors to enhance attraction -- there's no need for that. Now, there might be a "need" to let the partner know, "Hey, I'm 'in the mood,' " but for us it's a nod to the bedroom and a wink. I do avoid saying things that will lead to an argument if the kids are around, but if they're not around it's open season with, "Stop doing/saying this. It's annoying." We are both very open and honest with each other.0 -
I've been with my girlfriend for 6 years, we both share the view that we don't see the point in marriage. A lot of people posted positive things about relationships and marriage, but you don't need a ceremony to take your relationship to the next level.
True, but that piece of paper leads to $$$$$ that otherwise would not be there.0 -
Yes, there are way too many issues that come up. Interesting that you chose the phone as an example. It seems like you've been off the scene for a while. Phone calls are so infrequent now in the early stages of dating, which I think is detrimental because a phone call is a better way of transmitting meaning than a text message. It is taught that only 7% of communication is words. In any text based form of communication (text messages, email, forum posts, written articles), the message originator has to be extremely precise with wording to get the right message across. Even still, there is room for interpretation. With a phone call, there are vocal cues to go along with the words, enhancing meaning. When two people are still generally unfamiliar with each other, the more enhancements to the communication process, the better relationship formation will be. I'm a big believer in only having text messages for arranging logistics of in person get togethers in early stages, not carrying out conversations that have even a modicum of depth. Over reliance on the text message is a big downfall that I think anyone who has dated since the mid to late 2000s has had to deal with.
I've been with my husband over 20 years. I'm like the other poster that chimed in. If something happened to my husband, I would not date anyone. In my day, you called someone or knocked on their front door (if you knew them well) to ask them out. There's no way I could deal with the idiots out there now. It pissed me off enough back in the 80s. :laugh:
Did you come from a small town and marry someone you met in high school? There's a certain value in marrying early provided that you find the right person. The end of that sentence is the big caveat and happens to doom a lot of early in life marrieds.
I think it is preferable to meet someone through an in person activity (heck, even the bar scene) over using an online dating site or an app like Tinder. At least in person, there's no BS texting game. You meet in person, you make a snap judgment whether you want to get a drink later with that person. Much harder to qualify someone over text. I think a lot of people go on dates from online/apps that have no business going on dates together and just a 5-10 min interaction in person would be sufficient to save time. Online dating/apps put a lot of kinks (not good kinks! lol) in the process, causing massive frustration. I feel that dates sourced through something in person have a propensity to be higher quality dates that might lead to something more meaningful or more positive outcomes.0 -
There's a lot of posturing in the early stages of dating. Both sexes are guilty of this. As people age, the posturing does not go down in my experience, but in a marriage there's still a need to exhibit behaviors in a way that enhances attraction. A lot of couples talk about growing apart over time, and I think an extreme deviation from behaviors that initially brought about the attraction is a part of this.
My husband and I have both changed (matured...ok, gotten old), but we have grown together rather than apart. Neither of us consciously exhibit behaviors to enhance attraction -- there's no need for that. Now, there might be a "need" to let the partner know, "Hey, I'm 'in the mood,' " but for us it's a nod to the bedroom and a wink. I do avoid saying things that will lead to an argument if the kids are around, but if they're not around it's open season with, "Stop doing/saying this. It's annoying." We are both very open and honest with each other.
I see why you said what you said. I phrased one sentence in a way that lacked full clarity. When I said "As people age, the posturing does not go down in my experience", I was referring to early stage dating game playing. It's quite common to see women in their mid 20s playing high school type games. I have heard stories from reliable sources in my in person social circle about women in their 30s and even 40s playing high school-esque games. Always surprises me though I should know better. And before I get verbally lashed out at, men are guilty of playing immature games as well. In a way, those who sequence in and out of short to medium term relationships and never marry (I'm talking daters who typically don't stay in relationships beyond 2-3 years max), operate in somewhat of a state of suspended emotional reality. You might see someone for instance in a 35 year old's body but who acts 22-25 because they've been doing the whole singles/short to medium term relationship thing a little too long.0 -
This is what I suppose. The marriage commitment, provided that you mean what you say and don't get divorced, brings stability to children, families, and, by extension, the community. Many dont see the point because they have a personal view marriage, as in, what's in it for me? If you extend the question beyond yourself, you see that kids benefit from mom and dad in the home. No matter how good a single parent might be, two good parents are better. We have limits on how much energy we can give in a day. Two parents mean double for the kids. Also, there is division of labor, so you get more done with less effort and less expense. Also, you have a higher chance of regular sex, which is important. Also, if one person falls - gets sick, depressed, or is otherwise unable to meet the demands of life, the other is there to help pick them up. And also, you don't have to stomach the idea of your child being cared for by a wicked stepmom/stepdad/girlfriend/boyfriend. If you think you can achieve these benefits without marriage, remember that every relationship will go through rough times. If you are unmarried, it is much easier to leave during a rough spell, which undermines the stability of the family.0
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Yes, there are way too many issues that come up. Interesting that you chose the phone as an example. It seems like you've been off the scene for a while. Phone calls are so infrequent now in the early stages of dating, which I think is detrimental because a phone call is a better way of transmitting meaning than a text message. It is taught that only 7% of communication is words. In any text based form of communication (text messages, email, forum posts, written articles), the message originator has to be extremely precise with wording to get the right message across. Even still, there is room for interpretation. With a phone call, there are vocal cues to go along with the words, enhancing meaning. When two people are still generally unfamiliar with each other, the more enhancements to the communication process, the better relationship formation will be. I'm a big believer in only having text messages for arranging logistics of in person get togethers in early stages, not carrying out conversations that have even a modicum of depth. Over reliance on the text message is a big downfall that I think anyone who has dated since the mid to late 2000s has had to deal with.
I've been with my husband over 20 years. I'm like the other poster that chimed in. If something happened to my husband, I would not date anyone. In my day, you called someone or knocked on their front door (if you knew them well) to ask them out. There's no way I could deal with the idiots out there now. It pissed me off enough back in the 80s. :laugh:
Did you come from a small town and marry someone you met in high school? There's a certain value in marrying early provided that you find the right person. The end of that sentence is the big caveat and happens to doom a lot of early in life marrieds.
I think it is preferable to meet someone through an in person activity (heck, even the bar scene) over using an online dating site or an app like Tinder. At least in person, there's no BS texting game. You meet in person, you make a snap judgment whether you want to get a drink later with that person. Much harder to qualify someone over text. I think a lot of people go on dates from online/apps that have no business going on dates together and just a 5-10 min interaction in person would be sufficient to save time. Online dating/apps put a lot of kinks (not good kinks! lol) in the process, causing massive frustration. I feel that dates sourced through something in person have a propensity to be higher quality dates that might lead to something more meaningful or more positive outcomes.
Not actually. I came from a rather large suburb (approx 150k people). However, my ex-boyfriend from HS was the one that introduced me to my husband though. He immediately recognized that we were perfect for each other. I was young though, only 19 when we met, then 20 when we got married, then 23 when we had our first kiddo.
I can't imagine getting fixed up by a computer algorithm either. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.
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There's a lot of posturing in the early stages of dating. Both sexes are guilty of this. As people age, the posturing does not go down in my experience, but in a marriage there's still a need to exhibit behaviors in a way that enhances attraction. A lot of couples talk about growing apart over time, and I think an extreme deviation from behaviors that initially brought about the attraction is a part of this.
My husband and I have both changed (matured...ok, gotten old), but we have grown together rather than apart. Neither of us consciously exhibit behaviors to enhance attraction -- there's no need for that. Now, there might be a "need" to let the partner know, "Hey, I'm 'in the mood,' " but for us it's a nod to the bedroom and a wink. I do avoid saying things that will lead to an argument if the kids are around, but if they're not around it's open season with, "Stop doing/saying this. It's annoying." We are both very open and honest with each other.
I see why you said what you said. I phrased one sentence in a way that lacked full clarity. When I said "As people age, the posturing does not go down in my experience", I was referring to early stage dating game playing. It's quite common to see women in their mid 20s playing high school type games. I have heard stories from reliable sources in my in person social circle about women in their 30s and even 40s playing high school-esque games. Always surprises me though I should know better. And before I get verbally lashed out at, men are guilty of playing immature games as well. In a way, those who sequence in and out of short to medium term relationships and never marry (I'm talking daters who typically don't stay in relationships beyond 2-3 years max), operate in somewhat of a state of suspended emotional reality. You might see someone for instance in a 35 year old's body but who acts 22-25 because they've been doing the whole singles/short to medium term relationship thing a little too long.
Oh, I don't doubt that women can be a bunch of players. Many women who work at the same company as me are total you-know-whats that act like they are still 15 and in high school. :grumble:0 -
I'm curious, how many of you who are negative about marriage, or afraid of it, came from divorced homes? I believe that parents set an example for their children. If you come from a loving, solid, caring family, are you more likely to do the same? Or not? What is your experience in this area?0
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I can't imagine getting fixed up by a computer algorithm either. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.
Not sure what your familiarity level is with dating sites/apps. Every site/app is run slightly differently. Some sites let you search other members by a long list of criteria.
There is upside to some of it in the sense that you can screen out people. But screening out is a different mindset than having the mentality of relational development.0 -
I understand your viewpoints as I felt the same way after my first marriage ended in divorce. And, yes, if you have not found someone you would gladly give or share your possessions with, you have not found the right person. I have now been married over 25 years to my second husband and don't want to think about what my life would have been without him.
It isn't really "sharing" when they leave and take over half of it. No?0 -
I can't imagine getting fixed up by a computer algorithm either. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.
Not sure what your familiarity level is with dating sites/apps. Every site/app is run slightly differently. Some sites let you search other members by a long list of criteria.
There is upside to some of it in the sense that you can screen out people. But screening out is a different mindset than having the mentality of relational development.
All I know is you are supposed to answer questions and the computer finds a match.0 -
I was never the girl who imagined her wedding day or planned on getting married. I met my husband and marriage meant more to him than being unmarried meant to me. I knew, deep in my heart, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and didnt feel I needed the validation of marriage. I never thought being married would change our dynamic but it did (for the better). When two people come together and get married and both honor being married, it's amazing. For most people being married is the end all be all and they stop trying while failing to realize that's when the real work begins. Marriage is losing it's strength and meaning because so many people marry for trivial reasons and divorce for trivial reasons. We live in a society now, where love has become disposable and so marriage seems pointless. I can't convince anyone for supporting marriage, but to me it's a very beautiful thing that we need to learn to value again.
This is well said. I feel the same, I see people around who hop from one marriage to another and most of the time its over stupid things. They are looking for perfection that doesn't exist. I'm very happy to be married and it does feel like the marriage made our relationship mean more. Its taking a person on to be more than just a boyfriend, the person becomes family which comes with a greater bond.0 -
I can't imagine getting fixed up by a computer algorithm either. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.
Not sure what your familiarity level is with dating sites/apps. Every site/app is run slightly differently. Some sites let you search other members by a long list of criteria.
There is upside to some of it in the sense that you can screen out people. But screening out is a different mindset than having the mentality of relational development.
All I know is you are supposed to answer questions and the computer finds a match.
That is eHarmony's method. Plenty of other sites besides eHarmony. I wouldn't feel comfortable just with the algorithm. I'd want to search others.Tinder feeds matches too.
With the big sites, women usually have their inboxes flooded and can get very discouraged. Sometimes hard for a good guy to break through the clutter. The inbox flooding can really raise expectations, as you can see very average to slightly above average women (5-7 rating) adopting a mindset that would be more associated with Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, or any other gorgeous, highly in demand woman. Leads to a lot of negative repercussions and frustrations for both sexes.
Best thing is to meet people in person first.0 -
Because we all need someone to have makeup sex with.0
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Purpose of marraige in my opinion...well it's SUPPOSED to be in my opinion, being able to molest and have sex with someone as you please without getting arrested or worrying about an std (again, supposed to be, since marraige is supposed just be two people but we all know there are some people who can't keep it in their pants) :-)0
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I've known my husband for 18 years, half of my life. We have been in relationship for 16 years, and this year is 14 years married. We are very happy. I'm an atheist. We have two children. If we were not married, my husband would not have the same rights as a father. Being married allows us to visit one another in the hospital as close family members if/when needed. And we just wanted to get married and have a ceremony to celebrate our love and relationship and companionship. We both love each other, and would always treat one another with respect, and neither of us are cold-hearted people. It does make paperwork and things of that nature easier and more logical in our lives as well. We also live in another country and I was only allowed to move here with our children because we are married. It was also helpful when he was in grad school.0
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You have not met the right person yet---I know this personally because I waited until I was in my 40's to get married and have never been happier in my life that I am now. I love having someone that not only has my back but accepts me with all my flaws. I am so glad I did not marry earlier--would have been huge mistake and I would most likely would have wound up paying for it!!!!(him)hahhahah I always said I was not interested in marriage til I met my husband--I have a whole different outlook now!! :happy:
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I can't imagine getting fixed up by a computer algorithm either. Call me old-fashioned, I guess.
Not sure what your familiarity level is with dating sites/apps. Every site/app is run slightly differently. Some sites let you search other members by a long list of criteria.
There is upside to some of it in the sense that you can screen out people. But screening out is a different mindset than having the mentality of relational development.
All I know is you are supposed to answer questions and the computer finds a match.
That is eHarmony's method. Plenty of other sites besides eHarmony. I wouldn't feel comfortable just with the algorithm. I'd want to search others.Tinder feeds matches too.
With the big sites, women usually have their inboxes flooded and can get very discouraged. Sometimes hard for a good guy to break through the clutter. The inbox flooding can really raise expectations, as you can see very average to slightly above average women (5-7 rating) adopting a mindset that would be more associated with Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, or any other gorgeous, highly in demand woman. Leads to a lot of negative repercussions and frustrations for both sexes.
Best thing is to meet people in person first.
Face to face is the only way to get to know someone.0 -
That is eHarmony's method. Plenty of other sites besides eHarmony. I wouldn't feel comfortable just with the algorithm. I'd want to search others.Tinder feeds matches too.
With the big sites, women usually have their inboxes flooded and can get very discouraged. Sometimes hard for a good guy to break through the clutter. The inbox flooding can really raise expectations, as you can see very average to slightly above average women (5-7 rating) adopting a mindset that would be more associated with Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, or any other gorgeous, highly in demand woman. Leads to a lot of negative repercussions and frustrations for both sexes.
Best thing is to meet people in person first.
Some women (and men!) use online dating and social media (Facebook, Instagram) for validation. I have a very good friend who admits to doing this on a semi regular basis. She's attractive, has self esteem issues, and craves attention. She created a PoF profile and posted some pictures. A week later (and a hundred e-mails later), she happily closed down her account. She got the attention she desperately craved and went back to her normal life.
I went on Facebook this morning and saw another friend post semi- provocative "duck lip" pictures that she took on New Years Eve. Needless to say, many orbiting betas commented and liked the photos, reassuring her fragile ego. Another person posted body positive images and got a bunch of likes from her female friends, again reassuring her fragile ego.
When I see this, I realize Facebook needs a 'dislike' button.0 -
That is eHarmony's method. Plenty of other sites besides eHarmony. I wouldn't feel comfortable just with the algorithm. I'd want to search others.Tinder feeds matches too.
With the big sites, women usually have their inboxes flooded and can get very discouraged. Sometimes hard for a good guy to break through the clutter. The inbox flooding can really raise expectations, as you can see very average to slightly above average women (5-7 rating) adopting a mindset that would be more associated with Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, or any other gorgeous, highly in demand woman. Leads to a lot of negative repercussions and frustrations for both sexes.
Best thing is to meet people in person first.
Some women (and men!) use online dating and social media (Facebook, Instagram) for validation. I have a very good friend who admits to doing this on a semi regular basis. She's attractive, has self esteem issues, and craves attention. She created a PoF profile and posted some pictures. A week later (and a hundred e-mails later), she happily closed down her account. She got the attention she desperately craved and went back to her normal life.
I went on Facebook this morning and saw another friend post semi- provocative "duck lip" pictures that she took on New Years Eve. Needless to say, many orbiting betas commented and liked the photos, reassuring her fragile ego. Another person posted body positive images and got a bunch of likes from her female friends, again reassuring her fragile ego.
When I see this, I realize Facebook needs a 'dislike' button.
Women who need social media sites for validation from beta males do not belong in a marriage. I do not wish to be in a long term relationship with a woman like that. Seems like a bad bet.0 -
What I find most amusing in this thread are men categorizing other males as either 'alphas' or 'betas'. You don't just hate women OP, you hate men too! :laugh:0
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Totally ignored post, but I guess that what happens when you actually make a real point.This is what I suppose. The marriage commitment, provided that you mean what you say and don't get divorced, brings stability to children, families, and, by extension, the community. Many dont see the point because they have a personal view marriage, as in, what's in it for me? If you extend the question beyond yourself, you see that kids benefit from mom and dad in the home. No matter how good a single parent might be, two good parents are better. We have limits on how much energy we can give in a day. Two parents mean double for the kids. Also, there is division of labor, so you get more done with less effort and less expense. Also, you have a higher chance of regular sex, which is important. Also, if one person falls - gets sick, depressed, or is otherwise unable to meet the demands of life, the other is there to help pick them up. And also, you don't have to stomach the idea of your child being cared for by a wicked stepmom/stepdad/girlfriend/boyfriend. If you think you can achieve these benefits without marriage, remember that every relationship will go through rough times. If you are unmarried, it is much easier to leave during a rough spell, which undermines the stability of the family.0
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Well put. Dating is an exercise in divorce, not preparation for marriage.Meh. Dating is effed up. Marriage is pretty awesome.
Why is dating effed up? I really do agree, just want to see your logic. How does the script get flipped?
I don't know about the other poster but for me modern dating is the antithesis of marriage.
Marriage, as I view it, is about authenticity and intimacy. You and your partner working together with shared goals, supporting and loving each other to become better people and succeed in life. It is about co-operation, mutual respect and caring.
Dating it seems is altogether different. You have to play the game. It is more about putting on an artificial front, exerting power and manipulating a situation. If marriage is about honesty, dating is about lies.
Personally, if I ever found myself to be single again there is no way in god's green earth that I would "date."
What's even better? Married date nights. We have date nights weekly. It can be something as extravagant as a weekend getaway to wine country or as low key as ordering pizza and watching a movie or playing video games at home...Plus there's no drama about calling afterward or if you should/should not sleep over. It's freaking...awesome.0 -
For the life of me, I can't find any advantages of being married. I understand the religious aspect of it (even though I'm about as non-religious as they come), but that doesn't outweigh the cons.
change "being married" for "being _____ (anything at all)" and you will find yourself confused as well. You might as well ask your self why "being alive" at all.... if you weighs the "pros" and "cons" ..... believe it or not, not everything is a business transaction.0 -
I am 36 and have been with the same woman since I was 14. We married when I was 21 and I wouldn't change it for the world. We have wonderful children and a very happy home. I can't imagine just bouncing from woman to woman. Relationships are more than just sex. You come to depend on your spouse as well as build relationship with their family. I am not one to judge others. To each their own but I believe in marriage. My opinion is that people who just bounce from person to person are seeking lust not love. Nothing wrong with that, just not for me.0
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..... believe it or not, not everything is a business transaction.
This0 -
Exactly! Date AFTER you get married! It is soooooo wonderful, I agree totally!!
Well put. Dating is an exercise in divorce, not preparation for marriage.Meh. Dating is effed up. Marriage is pretty awesome.
Why is dating effed up? I really do agree, just want to see your logic. How does the script get flipped?
I don't know about the other poster but for me modern dating is the antithesis of marriage.
Marriage, as I view it, is about authenticity and intimacy. You and your partner working together with shared goals, supporting and loving each other to become better people and succeed in life. It is about co-operation, mutual respect and caring.
Dating it seems is altogether different. You have to play the game. It is more about putting on an artificial front, exerting power and manipulating a situation. If marriage is about honesty, dating is about lies.
Personally, if I ever found myself to be single again there is no way in god's green earth that I would "date."
What's even better? Married date nights. We have date nights weekly. It can be something as extravagant as a weekend getaway to wine country or as low key as ordering pizza and watching a movie or playing video games at home...Plus there's no drama about calling afterward or if you should/should not sleep over. It's freaking...awesome.0 -
I really enjoyed reading that! How nice!I am 36 and have been with the same woman since I was 14. We married when I was 21 and I wouldn't change it for the world. We have wonderful children and a very happy home. I can't imagine just bouncing from woman to woman. Relationships are more than just sex. You come to depend on your spouse as well as build relationship with their family. I am not one to judge others. To each their own but I believe in marriage. My opinion is that people who just bounce from person to person are seeking lust not love. Nothing wrong with that, just not for me.0 -
Totally ignored post, but I guess that what happens when you actually make a real point.This is what I suppose. The marriage commitment, provided that you mean what you say and don't get divorced, brings stability to children, families, and, by extension, the community. Many dont see the point because they have a personal view marriage, as in, what's in it for me? If you extend the question beyond yourself, you see that kids benefit from mom and dad in the home. No matter how good a single parent might be, two good parents are better. We have limits on how much energy we can give in a day. Two parents mean double for the kids. Also, there is division of labor, so you get more done with less effort and less expense. Also, you have a higher chance of regular sex, which is important. Also, if one person falls - gets sick, depressed, or is otherwise unable to meet the demands of life, the other is there to help pick them up. And also, you don't have to stomach the idea of your child being cared for by a wicked stepmom/stepdad/girlfriend/boyfriend. If you think you can achieve these benefits without marriage, remember that every relationship will go through rough times. If you are unmarried, it is much easier to leave during a rough spell, which undermines the stability of the family.
I'm glad this post was brought up again.
Two points on it...
1. Division of Labor: Huge advantage. Running a household of one, I often struggle to keep up with all the household maintenance tasks. I know a lot of unmarried men struggle with household maintenance, even in apartments. I tend to be more vocal in mentioning my struggles with this than most men.
2. Readily available statistics seem to back up what was said about higher chance of regular sex, but it is not automatic. Many sexless marriages are happening, which defeats the purpose of marriage. Beta males probably reduce sex frequency for unmarrieds. But there is a segment of unmarrieds than get more sex than marrieds, though it can often be hard to compare apples to apples.0
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