What's the purpose of marriage?

UsedToBeHusky

Marriage Isn't for You


Having been married only a year and a half, I've recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn't for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for 10 years until... until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, "Seth, you're being totally selfish. So I'm going to make this really simple: marriage isn't for you. You don't marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn't for yourself, you're marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn't for you. It's not about you. Marriage is about the person you married."

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father's advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today's "Walmart philosophy", which is if it doesn't make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It's about the person you love--their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, "What's in it for me?" while Love asks, "What can I give?"

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful -- she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and anguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.

Marriage is about family.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad's advice. While Kim's side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article -- married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette -- I want you to know that marriage isn't for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn't for you. It's for others.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html

I've read this before. It was pretty good.

djxil

To have and to hold, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad...

These words do not ensure intimacy when trust is lost, they cannot stand up to poor self-perception no matter how many compliments are gifted. These words may mean the world when spoken during a ceremony but they can easily lose meaning when they are not nurtured and cared for.

Marriage is a commitment to sow and nurture a garden, one that constantly needs attention, one that requires a balance. It requires dedication to the little things and the big. But marriage is just a word, it's part of a ceremony, it's a contract, it's written into law and tax codes. It's what the word means that is important, it is what it elicits that is important.

doughnutwretch

Sorry, but I have to say if you are asking these questions you are not with or met the right person yet.

Maybe you're right. I haven't found someone I like more than half of all my possessions!

And this is the problem. Life isn't about what you own. You can't take any of it with you when you're dead, anyway

Marcia315

you're really vile.

i'm not even a "feminist" or a liberal and even i find your constant demeaning of women on thread after thread into mere carnival prizes to be offensive.

King Beta Male finally makes an appearance. Not demeaning women at all, just saying it like it is.

Um, yeah, you are.

mojohowitz

So you don't have to worry about trivial things like...

1. Looking nice
2. Maintaining a healthy weight.
3. Having sex with attractive strangers.
4. Attracting a mate who will give you children that don't look like goblins.
5. Dispensing of all that stupid money piling up everywhere.
6. Making goblin children hate you by arguing with their other parent.
7. Dying a peaceful death without adult goblin children arguing over the piles of money that don't exist any more.

mammamaurer

mojohowitz

Truly, love and marriage isn't for you. It's for others.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html

Let them have it.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

you're really vile.

i'm not even a "feminist" or a liberal and even i find your constant demeaning of women on thread after thread into mere carnival prizes to be offensive.

King Beta Male finally makes an appearance. Not demeaning women at all, just saying it like it is.

You may honestly think that this is true, but you are incorrect.

_chiaroscuro

Yeah yeah, I break the mold. Back to my question, seriously, why MFP? Trying to spark curiosity, or just feel like having an internet fight?

Genuinely curious. Also, just wanted a change of pace from the endless amount of "would you hug, kiss, spank the person above you" type of threads.

Hmmm...well, your pal DMZ isn't curious- he's completely resolute- and I'm not feeling like you're exactly agenda-free, but I'll go ahead and bite just because I like to hear myself go on.

The benefit of a good marriage is a partnership between two people who, finding they are of like mind, and in love, and trust each other, and in possession of integrity, a sense of humor, and courage, come together to defiantly reject the pile of festering offal this world can be, and set about creating their own world. Together. Equally accountable, equally free.

It's awesome but it's not for everyone. In fact I'd say it's not for most. So maybe just stay single and don't worry about it.:drinker:

MinMin97

For the life of me, I can't find any advantages of being married. I understand the religious aspect of it (even though I'm about as non-religious as they come), but that doesn't outweigh the cons.

My good friend recently got divorced from his wife of 4 years and he had to pay alimony. He agreed to pays $2,000/month for 1 year. Thankfully, they had no kids together. It always seems that a well educated man (or woman) who makes a decent amount of money always has a lot to lose if the marriage goes south.

So what's the real purpose of being married? Before the age of modern religion, men and women existed in harmony for tens of thousands of years. Can someone red pill me on the advantages, besides joint filing on your taxes?

And where did this silly idea of buying a woman a diamond ring ever come from?

It depends on your starting point (of your thinking) . If you think marriage is a contract, then, marriage for you will satisfy (or not) the terms of the contract. It's a legal contract in this case.
For me, marriage is not a contract. It's a blood covenant, a commitment made before the eyes of God, and cannot be broken. Divorce--not an option.
Marriage is a symbol of Christ and His bride, the church.

zombilishious

To be miserable....

Otterluv

you're really vile.

i'm not even a "feminist" or a liberal and even i find your constant demeaning of women on thread after thread into mere carnival prizes to be offensive.

King Beta Male finally makes an appearance. Not demeaning women at all, just saying it like it is.

You may honestly think that this is true, but you are incorrect.

And kind of makes it even worse.

WendyTerry420

I have no idea what this gif has to do with marriage...

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Yeah yeah, I break the mold. Back to my question, seriously, why MFP? Trying to spark curiosity, or just feel like having an internet fight?

Genuinely curious. Also, just wanted a change of pace from the endless amount of "would you hug, kiss, spank the person above you" type of threads.

Hmmm...well, your pal DMZ isn't curious- he's completely resolute- and I'm not feeling like you're exactly agenda-free, but I'll go ahead and bite just because I like to hear myself go on.

The benefit of a good marriage is a partnership between two people who, finding they are of like mind, and in love, and trust each other, and in possession of integrity, a sense of humor, and courage, come together to defiantly reject the pile of festering offal this world can be, and set about creating their own world. Together. Equally accountable, equally free.

It's awesome but it's not for everyone. In fact I'd say it's not for most. So maybe just stay single and don't worry about it.:drinker:

fannyfrost

I didn't read any replies, so I am just responding to the original.

Diamond ring is an expensive gift that if a woman needed to leave her husband she would have something to sell that was her own. If her husband died the ring was something she owned. So it actually comes from an outdated need and turned into a tradition. As a woman, I WANTED MY DIAMOND!!! Yes it is old fashioned, but I love diamonds

As for the advantages of marriage these are mostly about either social norm or taxes:

1- Society still looks at marriage differently than living together.
2- Medical benefits - My spouse can be covered under my benefits, trust me one partner loses a job and this is important
3- Taxes - there is an advantage in most cases to filing as a married couple
4- Dual income for loan applications
5- No issue on who is responsible for the child

Also as much as people don't think it, when you get married something changes. It is like you said this is forever and it changes how you act with each other.

I have been married 20 years to the love of my life. Would it have been different if we just lived together to me no, to his parents OMG yes. To many people in the world, yes. To my parents Yes. So we married for the social norm and the religious reasons.

However, Marriage is not something to be taken lightly. It is my belief that many women marry just because they want the big wedding. They think it is what they are supposed to do and how life is supposed to be. The reality though is marriage and being married is HARD work. Being with someone forever takes work and concessions and adjustments, you need to grow together, do things together, not just make the other person do what you want, do things they like even if you don't like them, etc.

miss_jessiejane

I just want to get married so I can have a trophy wife.

iamanadult

Because it's a lot harder for someone to leave you when you're married. Also, when you marry someone they become your possession so you can stop trying to impress them to make them yours.

MM_1982

Ultimately, I think you can still have someone to grow old with, spend time with, have a connection with, have kids with, etc, without getting married. Which is what I've stated a handful of times already.

The one poster made a good point that marriage serves as a deterrent from getting divorced if your marriage is up and down (though the divorce rate still hovers around 50%).

I also think people are less likely to call it quits early on and would try to work things out if they realize they have a lot to lose financially in a divorce.

janetay01

Honestly though like someone else said if you are asking then you haven't met the right person. My husband is my best friend. We get along extremely well and there is no one else that I would rather spend my time with. We never have had a fight in the 16 years we've been together. EVER. We disagree, we have our own opinions but that's what is so great about it and why we don't argue: Because we're our own person and we respect each others opinions and we are mature enough to say "Okay. That's cool," and that's the end of it. IMO arguing is NOT a part of marriage but the result of a serious lack of communication. We communicate with each other so there's nothing that grows and festers between us and then ultimately explodes into a screaming, name calling, hurt match.

I am so glad that we aren't the only 'weird' couple that doesn't fight. Seriously, if you can't disagree without resorting to yelling and saying hurtful things to each other, you aren't trying very hard.

16 years together here as well, and we have yet to have a real fight. It's about mutual respect. Most people can't believe that it can be done.

Totally agree - 11 years together (6 married) and we don't fight - yes, sometimes we have differing views but nothing is worth a screaming match about. - I value and respect my husbands opinion far too much for that (even if sometimes he is wrong ) People tell me my relationship is unhealthy if we don't fight. Having been brought up by parents who fought weekly I disagree.

Matt24442

I am never getting married