As a guy I wanted to know what it was like as a woman...

Unknown

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Slacker16

I'm just going to leave this right here. This will answer every question a man will have when it comes to online dating.

http://incelrage.com/

That butthurt guy with no avi really needs to check this out.

Bad link.

Chrome sent me to its cached copy. Not really worth your time. Salient points:
- women are more likely to respond to, and tolerate piggishness from, handsome men
- veiled racism and barely veiled sexism

DebbieLyn63

I found the OP's story disturbing. I figured a few weirdos, but I was surprised at the sheer "weirdo volume." Anyway, you may dismiss my following comment because "I'm out of the pool," but I'll say it anyway. I met my wife the old-fashioned way. She lived within a block a way at college and went to the same church and we've been married 15 years. So, I've thought about that and it turns out that factors influencing who you meet and who you become attracted to, romance, has an established scientific component, which is proximity. You fall in love with people who are nearest to you. See, e.g., http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction. I say maximize your chances by using the science. And use the situations that are part of your ordinary routine: neighbors, classmates, coworkers, workers at the company down the hall, people you see at the cafe, church, volunteer organization, hobby, yes, even the gym. why not? Ok, the old 37 year old married dude will shut up now.

With online dating you expand the pool so your options aren't limited to the girl down the street. That's using science. Glad things worked out for you. Congratulations. Not everyone is so lucky.

This is why I said the opinions of people who married their college sweetheart decades ago don't really carry a lot of water to people dating online in 2014. If anything it's condescending.

Why is it condescending? Do people not go to College anymore? Why do married people not have a right to express their opinion about dating? We actually dated at one time, and since we are married now, how we did it apparently worked for us.
If someone is looking for success in finding a mate for life, then talking to the people who HAVE been successful in doing that, would be a GOOD thing.

There are pros and cons to both dating IRL and dating online. There is no one right way. When you are in college, that is the easiest time to find someone you connect with. Nothing has changed with that today. In fact, with the internet added in, it makes dating in college even better. You have many more ways to connect with them than before.

Now for those who are older, divorced, have kids, full time jobs, etc, finding someone to date is much harder. Dating at work can be dangerous, and unless you go to church, or have friends to set you up, your options are limited. Finding someone online is certainly a viable option.You just have to be much more careful.

Unknown

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RoseGoldDinosaur

Gender role reversal exercise:

Imagine as a guy that you have an overflowing inbox from the most unattractive women you can imagine. Then imagine that the majority of them have dead-end jobs, emotion problems, physical limitations, lack motivation, live at home with their parents, and are generally not on your level physically, intellectually or emotionally. So you get messages every single day from women you would NEVER consider hitting on. Some of the women are harassing you and saying ugly things to you because you don't respond. And don't try politely telling them you aren't interested because they will demand a reason why not. If you actually give them a reason why you aren't interested, even if it's polite, you will receive sudden insults and threats. So you block them. You block all of them.

If by some miracle there is a remotely attractive girl who messages you something nice rather than some back-handed insult ("You're too pretty to play world of warcraft!" <-- INSULTING!), you have to decide if you trust them enough to risk your safety meeting them in person. Giving out your phone number can, and has, resulted in stalkers. You are physically more venerable so you have to make sure if you are meeting that it's a safe place and if you feel unsafe during the night that you can make a quick escape. And don't count on this date being free as A LOT of people are saying we're all equal now, even though there's a much bigger safety risk for you to meet a stranger than for them. If you do let them pay, be prepared for them to try to have sex with you. At the very least this person who has just paid for your meal will expect a kiss whether you like them or not or ever want to see them again or not. You will be called cold and heartless and a mooch if you don't offer them anything. Pressure's on.

So are you having a good time yet? Do you like all the attention you're getting- even though a large portion of it is negative? Is finding love worth risking your safety to meet strangers from the internet? Are you willing to pay to go on a date with someone you don't know if you'll like? Are you willing to trade a free night out for some form of physical affection even though you might not like the person AT ALL by the end of the night?

I'm not saying guys have it easy, but if you think women have it easy, you're sadly mistaken. Dating is difficult on both ends.

Unknown

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Amazonbella

This is why I only date when I meet a guy face to face FIRST! LMAO

rml_16

This is why I said the opinions of people who married their college sweetheart decades ago don't really carry a lot of water to people dating online in 2014. If anything it's condescending.

I do think people who married their high school or college sweetheart are a bit out of touch with the reality of dating AFTER college. It is a whole different world.

However, the idea of meeting someone somewhere other than online is not out of date. It still happens. It is still possible. People still have social lives that put them into contact with other people.

Like I said, I've done the online thing and the old-fashioned thing. The online thing (for me) never led to a second date, while the men I've met in person have nearly all turned into long-term relationships. I've met people at grocery stores and gas stations and book stores. I wasn't looking and in fact most of those occurred while I was seeing someone already, so while they were nice for the ego, obviously that was the end of it. But it does happen.

Heck, some guy in the parking lot of the grocery store last week started a conversation with me based solely on the fact that I had reusable shopping bags. I don't think he was hitting on me, but had that been his intention (and he hadn't been old enough to be my father ...) it probably would have worked. He wasn't creepy about it.

There's nothing wrong with online dating and I wish you all luck with it. But to insinuate that it is the only option is sad. We do leave our houses and there are real people out there.

jonnythan

This is why I said the opinions of people who married their college sweetheart decades ago don't really carry a lot of water to people dating online in 2014. If anything it's condescending.

I do think people who married their high school or college sweetheart are a bit out of touch with the reality of dating AFTER college. It is a whole different world.

However, the idea of meeting someone somewhere other than online is not out of date. It still happens. It is still possible. People still have social lives that put them into contact with other people.

Of course it still happens, and it's fine.

The issue is with people who married their college girlfriend 20 years ago, and have never actually tried meeting people online, telling us that online dating is dumb or worthless or not worth our time and we should just go meet people at "bars, concerts, and house parties" instead like it's infinitely better somehow.

DebbieLyn63

I found the OP's story disturbing. I figured a few weirdos, but I was surprised at the sheer "weirdo volume." Anyway, you may dismiss my following comment because "I'm out of the pool," but I'll say it anyway. I met my wife the old-fashioned way. She lived within a block a way at college and went to the same church and we've been married 15 years. So, I've thought about that and it turns out that factors influencing who you meet and who you become attracted to, romance, has an established scientific component, which is proximity. You fall in love with people who are nearest to you. See, e.g., http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_attraction. I say maximize your chances by using the science. And use the situations that are part of your ordinary routine: neighbors, classmates, coworkers, workers at the company down the hall, people you see at the cafe, church, volunteer organization, hobby, yes, even the gym. why not? Ok, the old 37 year old married dude will shut up now.

With online dating you expand the pool so your options aren't limited to the girl down the street. That's using science. Glad things worked out for you. Congratulations. Not everyone is so lucky.

This is why I said the opinions of people who married their college sweetheart decades ago don't really carry a lot of water to people dating online in 2014. If anything it's condescending.

Why is it condescending? Do people not go to College anymore? Why do married people not have a right to express their opinion about dating? We actually dated at one time, and since we are married now, how we did it apparently worked for us.
If someone is looking for success in finding a mate for life, then talking to the people who HAVE been successful in doing that, would be a GOOD thing.

There are pros and cons to both dating IRL and dating online. There is no one right way. When you are in college, that is the easiest time to find someone you connect with. Nothing has changed with that today. In fact, with the internet added in, it makes dating in college even better. You have many more ways to connect with them than before.

Now for those who are older, divorced, have kids, full time jobs, etc, finding someone to date is much harder. Dating at work can be dangerous, and unless you go to church, or have friends to set you up, your options are limited. Finding someone online is certainly a viable option.You just have to be much more careful.

The advice of "marry the girl down the street" is out of touch. Maybe I live in a bad part of town and the girl down the street is a tranny hooker. It worked for him, great. That doesn't mean it applies to anyone else.

It's basically the same as wealthy people saying "I don't understand why the poor just don't get well paying jobs?"

So you recommend finding someone to date and marry in college? Well damn, I already graduated. Guess I'll die alone.

Again, this is why I don't care to hear dating advice from people who've been married for years. You do not get it.

Did you miss my last paragraph?

BTW, as stated before, I DID meet my husband online. I have been thru dating at several times in my life. I never married the 'boy down the street', but some people have.
What exactly do I not GET?

This is like telling those who have reached goal weight on here that they don't GET what it is like being overweight, so their opinions and advice don't count.

wewon

Gender role reversal exercise:

Imagine as a guy that you have an overflowing inbox from the most unattractive women you can imagine. Then imagine that the majority of them have dead-end jobs, emotion problems, physical limitations, lack motivation, live at home with their parents, and are generally not on your level physically, intellectually or emotionally. So you get messages every single day from women you would NEVER consider hitting on. Some of the women are harassing you and saying ugly things to you because you don't respond. And don't try politely telling them you aren't interested because they will demand a reason why not. If you actually give them a reason why you aren't interested, even if it's polite, you will receive sudden insults and threats. So you block them. You block all of them.

If by some miracle there is a remotely attractive girl who messages you something nice rather than some back-handed insult ("You're too pretty to play world of warcraft!" <-- INSULTING!), you have to decide if you trust them enough to risk your safety meeting them in person. Giving out your phone number can, and has, resulted in stalkers. You are physically more venerable so you have to make sure if you are meeting that it's a safe place and if you feel unsafe during the night that you can make a quick escape. And don't count on this date being free as A LOT of people are saying we're all equal now, even though there's a much bigger safety risk for you to meet a stranger than for them. If you do let them pay, be prepared for them to try to have sex with you. At the very least this person who has just paid for your meal will expect a kiss whether you like them or not or ever want to see them again or not. You will be called cold and heartless and a mooch if you don't offer them anything. Pressure's on.

So are you having a good time yet? Do you like all the attention you're getting- even though a large portion of it is negative? Is finding love worth risking your safety to meet strangers from the internet? Are you willing to pay to go on a date with someone you don't know if you'll like? Are you willing to trade a free night for some form of physical affection even though you might not like the person AT ALL by the end of the night?

I'm not saying guys have it easy, but if you think women have it easy, you're sadly mistaken. Dating is difficult on both ends.

How would I react?

I would delete my online profile or simply become deft with the delete button. The scenario that you described would make me question why anyone would continue more than wonder why there are bad people out there.

I'm being sincere, not snarky, dismissive or trying to be a wise *kitten*, but I do wonder why anyone would continue to put themselves into an environment where they are being treated this way in real life or online.

Unknown

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IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

Why I only date when I meet a guy face to face! LMAO

that's why you meet for coffee or tea or whatever first, so you can sum each other up and if you like the person and the conversation, you make plans for a real date. You certainly don't have to get married just because you responded to a message online.

jonnythan

Gender role reversal exercise:

Imagine as a guy that you have an overflowing inbox from the most unattractive women you can imagine. Then imagine that the majority of them have dead-end jobs, emotion problems, physical limitations, lack motivation, live at home with their parents, and are generally not on your level physically, intellectually or emotionally. So you get messages every single day from women you would NEVER consider hitting on. Some of the women are harassing you and saying ugly things to you because you don't respond. And don't try politely telling them you aren't interested because they will demand a reason why not. If you actually give them a reason why you aren't interested, even if it's polite, you will receive sudden insults and threats. So you block them. You block all of them.

If by some miracle there is a remotely attractive girl who messages you something nice rather than some back-handed insult ("You're too pretty to play world of warcraft!" <-- INSULTING!), you have to decide if you trust them enough to risk your safety meeting them in person. Giving out your phone number can, and has, resulted in stalkers. You are physically more venerable so you have to make sure if you are meeting that it's a safe place and if you feel unsafe during the night that you can make a quick escape. And don't count on this date being free as A LOT of people are saying we're all equal now, even though there's a much bigger safety risk for you to meet a stranger than for them. If you do let them pay, be prepared for them to try to have sex with you. At the very least this person who has just paid for your meal will expect a kiss whether you like them or not or ever want to see them again or not. You will be called cold and heartless and a mooch if you don't offer them anything. Pressure's on.

So are you having a good time yet? Do you like all the attention you're getting- even though a large portion of it is negative? Is finding love worth risking your safety to meet strangers from the internet? Are you willing to pay to go on a date with someone you don't know if you'll like? Are you willing to trade a free night for some form of physical affection even though you might not like the person AT ALL by the end of the night?

I'm not saying guys have it easy, but if you think women have it easy, you're sadly mistaken. Dating is difficult on both ends.

How would I react?

I would delete my online profile or simply become deft with the delete button. The scenario that you described would make me question why anyone would continue more than wonder why there are bad people out there.

I'm being sincere, not snarky, dismissive or trying to be a wise *kitten*, but I do wonder why anyone would continue to put themselves into an environment where they are being treated this way in real life or online.

Now imagine that you deal with this every day of your life forever. Either people giving you benefits or smiles or promotions because you're attractive, or giving you sneers or attitude or not promoting you because you're not.

The trick is that you can't imagine this. You can't simply close your eyes and imagine what a lifetime of constantly being judged on your measurements or skin color or sexual orientation is like. You just can't.

Eleonora91

LOL!
We don't need to put much effort in finding perverts.
We unfortunately still need to put effort to find guys who want to meet us because they actually like us.

THIS ^

Yeah so look in your friend zone. That's where the guys that like you are.

I've been in the friend zone. And I'm a girl. Welcome to the real world.

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Mia_RagazzaTosta

Never said it was the only option. I of course meet women in public too.

Telling someone to forget online dating and meet a nice girl in church is from the 1950's Guide To Finding A Wife.

I go to the church down the street from you.

Hi.

WendyTerry420

This is why I said the opinions of people who married their college sweetheart decades ago don't really carry a lot of water to people dating online in 2014. If anything it's condescending.

I do think people who married their high school or college sweetheart are a bit out of touch with the reality of dating AFTER college. It is a whole different world.

However, the idea of meeting someone somewhere other than online is not out of date. It still happens. It is still possible. People still have social lives that put them into contact with other people.

Like I said, I've done the online thing and the old-fashioned thing. The online thing (for me) never led to a second date, while the men I've met in person have nearly all turned into long-term relationships. I've met people at grocery stores and gas stations and book stores. I wasn't looking and in fact most of those occurred while I was seeing someone already, so while they were nice for the ego, obviously that was the end of it. But it does happen.

Heck, some guy in the parking lot of the grocery store last week started a conversation with me based solely on the fact that I had reusable shopping bags. I don't think he was hitting on me, but had that been his intention (and he hadn't been old enough to be my father ...) it probably would have worked. He wasn't creepy about it.

There's nothing wrong with online dating and I wish you all luck with it. But to insinuate that it is the only option is sad. We do leave our houses and there are real people out there.

I don't doubt this. I was in college when I met my husband, and it was only recently that I found out that people who date don't even call each other on the phone anymore. I don't doubt that i am out-of-touch.

Single folks don't use phones, don't go to parties at their friends' houses...I'm just brushing the surface. I still can't believe that single people don't go to parties. That is sad to me.

Redheadllena

Online interaction/online dating is extra extra creepy, in my experience. Met a few good guys of course, but I remember one interaction where the guy insisted I have a threesome with his friend and him as that was something he "had to know I could comfortably do" before he would consider dating me. When I refused, he wrote a long, nasty tirade of how I should go see a mental health professional...yes, me, not him. BUT I will say, being a female in the real world can sometimes be equally creepy. I'm amazed and appalled by things perfect strangers think is ok to say to me. SMH.

jonnythan

Expectations for online dating should be less than in real life. That's all I'm saying. And that's all I will say since I'm an out of touch old married person.

You shouldn't even say that because you have no experience with either dating online or the actual alternatives for people out of college in the modern age.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

This is why I said the opinions of people who married their college sweetheart decades ago don't really carry a lot of water to people dating online in 2014. If anything it's condescending.

I do think people who married their high school or college sweetheart are a bit out of touch with the reality of dating AFTER college. It is a whole different world.

However, the idea of meeting someone somewhere other than online is not out of date. It still happens. It is still possible. People still have social lives that put them into contact with other people.

Of course it still happens, and it's fine.

The issue is with people who married their college girlfriend 20 years ago, and have never actually tried meeting people online, telling us that online dating is dumb or worthless or not worth our time and we should just go meet people at "bars, concerts, and house parties" instead like it's infinitely better somehow.

Never said it was dumb or worthless. Expectations for online dating should be less than in real life. That's all I'm saying. And that's all I will say since I'm an out of touch old married person.

great if you're old, so am I, since we're both 36. I'm destined to die alone!! Quick, someone point me in the direction of the cat store... :laugh:

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wewon

Of course it still happens, and it's fine.

The issue is with people who married their college girlfriend 20 years ago, and have never actually tried meeting people online, telling us that online dating is dumb or worthless or not worth our time and we should just go meet people at "bars, concerts, and house parties" instead like it's infinitely better somehow.

What I'm reading is people are portraying online dating is a pretty vile way and others are simply asking the rational question of "Why are you still participating?"

I also missed the suggestions in this thread that people should go to bars or concerts, actually its just the opposite. Its actually the people that are expressing all of the pitfalls of online that are setting up the false dichotomy of either go online or go to a bar.

I don't understand why bbq's, cookouts, hobby clubs, and continuing education is being lumped in with 'bars and concerts'.

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wewon

Now imagine that you deal with this every day of your life forever. Either people giving you benefits or smiles or promotions because you're attractive, or giving you sneers or attitude or not promoting you because you're not.

The trick is that you can't imagine this. You can't simply close your eyes and imagine what a lifetime of constantly being judged on your measurements or skin color or sexual orientation is like. You just can't.

Well, that wasn't what she was putting forward.

The fact is that noone, you, me or even women, truly know what life is like in another person's shoes.

I don't make the assumption that life is easy for either gender.

Rak0ribz

Why I only date when I meet a guy face to face! LMAO

that's why you meet for coffee or tea or whatever first, so you can sum each other up and if you like the person and the conversation, you make plans for a real date. You certainly don't have to get married just because you responded to a message online.

Actually, I'm pretty sure you have to get married once you respond to the message. It's like an Internet rule.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

Why I only date when I meet a guy face to face! LMAO

that's why you meet for coffee or tea or whatever first, so you can sum each other up and if you like the person and the conversation, you make plans for a real date. You certainly don't have to get married just because you responded to a message online.

Actually, no - you have to get married once you respond to the message. It's a rule.

so, what you're saying is we're getting married, because you responded to me??

Rak0ribz

Why I only date when I meet a guy face to face! LMAO

that's why you meet for coffee or tea or whatever first, so you can sum each other up and if you like the person and the conversation, you make plans for a real date. You certainly don't have to get married just because you responded to a message online.

Actually, no - you have to get married once you respond to the message. It's a rule.

so, what you're saying is we're getting married, because you responded to me??

Damn it. Half for my real wife, half for my MFP wife...

...I'm going to have nothing left for buying new tuxedos.

rml_16

Single folks don't use phones, don't go to parties at their friends' houses

Of course they do. At least in my circle, they do. I have friends from 22 years old to 60 years old. Many of them are single. My daughter and her group of friends are in college.

I have people over to my house all the time and my friends have people to their houses. Whether it's for the Super Bowl, Halloween or a random, "Hey, we haven't seen each other in a while!" Friday night.

Who are these people who never go to each other's houses?

rml_16

I don't understand why bbq's, cookouts, hobby clubs, and continuing education is being lumped in with 'bars and concerts'.

Because those are places where there are people.