Men, how do you feel about SAHM?

maillemaker

I work and my wife stays at home. We have an 8-year old daughter and a 5-year-old son.

There are really some basic things here that are not being mentioned.

If you want to have children, someone has to raise them. Unless you are independently wealthy, at least one of parents has to work to support the family.

If the other person is not making a lot of money, it's probably not financially worth it for that person to work outside the home.

Daycare in most places is not cheap. It runs from $350 per month in rural areas to $600 in urban areas to over $1000 a month in major metro areas. That's $4200 - $12,000 a year.

Then there is the "who is raising my kids" issue. If you are paying someone else to raise your children, then they are going to spend the bulk of their formative time with someone else. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Day care can be a great social and educational experience for children and give them a head-start on learning before school age.

acpgranberg

I'm not a parent and never will be but I know two SAHMs. Their children are amazing and well adjusted. I consider their career as working to raise a new generation of kids that are not screwed up. A lofty goal and worth congratulating them on.

LishieFruit89

i just can't stomach a child saying "I want to be a stay at home parent when I grow up". If it happens for the right reasons of nurturing and behavioural development concerns, then awesome. But having it as a goal. Can't stop facepalming.

Then don't have kids. The world doesn't need more stage moms.

This.

I was very fortunate as a child.
My parents split and my mother got full custody.
She was my age (24) when they separated. And my grandparents took us in and helped out. She was able to work and my grandparents raised me.

I know I won't be so fortunate and have that opportunity when I have children (she's made it perfectly clear). And as much as I like my job, I have a very strong feeling that I will become a stay at home mom and teach them all the things my gram taught me. And there is nothing wrong with it.

quiltlovinlisa

I work and my wife stays at home. We have an 8-year old daughter and a 5-year-old son.

There are really some basic things here that are not being mentioned.

If you want to have children, someone has to raise them. Unless you are independently wealthy, at least one of parents has to work to support the family.

If the other person is not making a lot of money, it's probably not financially worth it for that person to work outside the home.

Daycare in most places is not cheap. It runs from $350 per month in rural areas to $600 in urban areas to over $1000 a month in major metro areas. That's $4200 - $12,000 a year.

Then there is the "who is raising my kids" issue. If you are paying someone else to raise your children, then they are going to spend the bulk of their formative time with someone else. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Day care can be a great social and educational experience for children and give them a head-start on learning before school age.

yes, yes and yes on the daycare issue. I had twins 19 months after my middle child was born. It would have cost more for daycare and aftercare then I would have ever made.

sjohnny

OP, I see in your profile that you work in the "mental health sector". I don't know where you live but I have been involved on a professional level with the "mental health sector" in Texas and the pay is not very high. You are fortunate to live in a state where that is such a financially lucrative field.

It's also good to see that mental health professionals are more understanding and open minded, and less judgmental than they were 30 years ago . . .

How true. How true.


I know I feel better about ..... well, everything, after reading these pearls from the OP.

sjohnny

LOL All I know is that I absolutely hate everyone in the world who doesn't make the same life decisions I do. Where do you *kitten* get off making decisions about things that make you happy that don't negatively affect others? I fully believe that there should be a guide that instructs all of us on the proper way to think, feel, and desire. It should be written by me. And you should read it, because if you don't, *facepalm* ZOMG! Clearly you won't get it. Why do I bother?

OMG that book would make it SO much easier!! but I should be the one to write it.

I'm sorry but Mother Superior already called dibs.




Plus I've already ordered his book.

nilbogger

i just can't stomach a child saying "I want to be a stay at home parent when I grow up". If it happens for the right reasons of nurturing and behavioural development concerns, then awesome. But having it as a goal. Can't stop facepalming.

I can understand that. It's somewhat of a strange goal because it's one that's more dependent on someone else's earning potential rahter than your own hard work.

It also makes me sad that as women we put so much of our identity into motherhood. You see all these corny memes that are like "Kids ask mom where's this, where's that, blah blah blah. Kids asks dad where's mom?" I would like to see moms let go a little and let dads take the reins.

LiftAllThePizzas

Maybe it is just me, but I feel that life is about aspirations and having skills and growing.

Tthere has been some super derp on the forums since Jan 1st including people wanting to starve themselves, do detoxes, magical supplements, troll threads, etc. But, for the record, the above takes the cake as the single stupidest statement I've read on MFP in 2014.

Mother_Superior

LOL All I know is that I absolutely hate everyone in the world who doesn't make the same life decisions I do. Where do you *kitten* get off making decisions about things that make you happy that don't negatively affect others? I fully believe that there should be a guide that instructs all of us on the proper way to think, feel, and desire. It should be written by me. And you should read it, because if you don't, *facepalm* ZOMG! Clearly you won't get it. Why do I bother?

OMG that book would make it SO much easier!! but I should be the one to write it.

I'm sorry but Mother Superior already called dibs.




Plus I've already ordered his book.

The book, along with a framed, 8x10 photo and a strict 8 time a day prayer schedule has been shipped. As for the usurper up there...

SunofaBeach14

Maybe it is just me, but I feel that life is about aspirations and having skills and growing.

Tthere has been some super derp on the forums since Jan 1st including people wanting to starve themselves, do detoxes, magical supplements, troll threads, etc. But, for the record, the above takes the cake as the single stupidest statement I've read on MFP in 2014.

+1

sjohnny

LOL All I know is that I absolutely hate everyone in the world who doesn't make the same life decisions I do. Where do you *kitten* get off making decisions about things that make you happy that don't negatively affect others? I fully believe that there should be a guide that instructs all of us on the proper way to think, feel, and desire. It should be written by me. And you should read it, because if you don't, *facepalm* ZOMG! Clearly you won't get it. Why do I bother?

OMG that book would make it SO much easier!! but I should be the one to write it.

I'm sorry but Mother Superior already called dibs.




Plus I've already ordered his book.

The book, along with a framed, 8x10 photo and a strict 8 time a day prayer schedule has been shipped. As for the usurper up there...

Lisa1971

Clearly you just want an argument. And it is clear that you are extremely judgmental. I borrowed (and just finished paying back) almost $100,000 for my education, and I am *just* a SAHM. For eight years I owned my own business and worked out of our home, but when we moved to Singapore I turned the business over to a relative and do nothing but care for my children and home. And I am perfectly happy and content. Which contributes to a very happy family!

Next week I am the lucky lady who gets to help out in my 3rd grader's class, attend two daytime choral concerts an awards assembly and two basketball games, all things I would likely miss if I worked a "regular" job. I get to be the first person every day to hear about how great their days are, and occasionally get to be the first one to console them if they had a bad day.

I'm here to help with homework before the nighttime post-dinner rush. I get to experiment with cooking whenever I want, without throwing something together or in a crockpot while trying to unwind from a busy day at the office (just made a great Thai chicken curry the other night!).

My children are at the top of their classes. One wants to be a video game designer, the other a scientist. But if they wanted to be ME, I'd be pretty happy knowing that - because I have a pretty fabulous life and wouldn't change a thing.

There is nothing wrong with working or staying at home. No need to insult either one here.

Thank you so much for this! Perfectly said. OP just wants to cause trouble anyway. I was a vet tech pre kids and now I'm a SAHM. Being a vet tech was much, much easier! These days my kids are more than a full time job. No wonder I'm ready to collapse into bed at 9 every night!

RaspberryKeytoneBoondoggle

Maybe it is just me, but I feel that life is about aspirations and having skills and growing.

Tthere has been some super derp on the forums since Jan 1st including people wanting to starve themselves, do detoxes, magical supplements, troll threads, etc. But, for the record, the above takes the cake as the single stupidest statement I've read on MFP in 2014.

^^. This. And this is a discriminatory, unkind, and very very ignorant statement also. I would even go further to say that such statements and attitudes have potential to influence the decisions and self-worth of parents which could be harmful to children. Really, we should moofb and support individual decisions. I couldn't believe some of the comments that I heard and that hit home when my kids were little, thank goodness I had the fortitude to follow my heart. If I have any regrets, it would only be wishing that I could do more fore my children.

craftywitch_63

I love my wife, whatever she chooses to do. The end.*








*well, not totally. I want someone home with the kids, but I'm okay if that person is me. Actually, I'd be thrilled if it were me. :bigsmile: I believe very strongly in having that immediate and constantly available influence during the early years if it is financially feasible.

It's a great feeling. I get to take my DD to school and pick her up and do homework with her and play and hang out. I think a father/daughter connection is important because from my understanding females tend to gravitate towards men who usually have some of the same traits/behaviors as their fathers.

A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

I'm not a Chris Rock fan but he once said something with which I agree. I can't quote it but the gist was that his job as a father was to keep his daughter off of the stripper pole. The relationship between a father and his daughter is the first relationship (hopefully) she has with a male and defines how she sees herself and how she allows other males in her life treat her. I saw that with my ex-husband and my daughter. He respected her growing up, so she respected herself. She married a man who respects her. I know I had something to do with that, too, but I think her relationship with her dad probably had the most influence.

maab_connor

LOL All I know is that I absolutely hate everyone in the world who doesn't make the same life decisions I do. Where do you *kitten* get off making decisions about things that make you happy that don't negatively affect others? I fully believe that there should be a guide that instructs all of us on the proper way to think, feel, and desire. It should be written by me. And you should read it, because if you don't, *facepalm* ZOMG! Clearly you won't get it. Why do I bother?

OMG that book would make it SO much easier!! but I should be the one to write it.

I'm sorry but Mother Superior already called dibs.




Plus I've already ordered his book.

The book, along with a framed, 8x10 photo and a strict 8 time a day prayer schedule has been shipped. As for the usurper up there...

*shakes fist* I cannot argue against His Gal Friday.

seltzermint555

Eh, I am sure it is rough in the beginning, but once the children are of school age, then I can't see how it is hard. You have 8-9 hours to do whatever you please

Pretty much this.

Usually I do not hate on SAHMs. I really don't give this topic much of my time & energy, as I am never having children (by my choice)...but I DO have to say that I agree with the people saying how in the world is SAHM a "career goal"??. Even if you stay at home with your kids from the moment you get pregnant until the moment they go to college, that's less than 20 years. Last time I checked, from age 16-65+ (typical American working ages) is at least 49 years. So what are you gonna do for those other THIRTY YEARS? Yeah, you might have more kids, staggered ages which prolongs the SAHM years...but still...

While I'm being frank - I also think it is definitely NOT the hardest job in the world. If you're a SAHM and truly do find it that difficult then you maybe should not have had children!

I know a lot of SAHMs. It's none of my business what they do with their time and that is up to their families. But I will say I know some who seriously do just nap, watch TV, and update their facebook every 10 minutes, and pick up takeout more often than not. I also know SAHMs who are like supermom and truly very busy even when their child/children are attending school. Including my best friend who has 3 kids, 2 with health concerns/special needs so she TRULY can't get a job because she would be asking off three times a week for essential appointments. It varies, just like with anyone else.

kshadows

I'm not cut out for it personally, but my DH is a SAHD all summer and over all of this college breaks and does amazingly well.

Roadie2000

I'm not a Chris Rock fan but he once said something with which I agree. I can't quote it but the gist was that his job as a father was to keep his daughter off of the stripper pole. The relationship between a father and his daughter is the first relationship (hopefully) she has with a male and defines how she sees herself and how she allows other males in her life treat her. I saw that with my ex-husband and my daughter. He respected her growing up, so she respected herself. She married a man who respects her. I know I had something to do with that, too, but I think her relationship with her dad probably had the most influence.

Ah yes, girls with daddy issues are always the most fun.

jensage13

My husband and I both decided it was important to be a SAHM. If we were going to have children and we are lucky enough to be able to afford it, then shouldn't we be the ones to raise them? I have been home for fifteen years and believe me it's not an easy job. I have many friends who've been a SAHM and gone back to work and really see the value of having been home and been there for their children and I have some who worked in the early years and have recently decided to stay home. They realize that being home with kids is not watching TV and eating bonbons (if done right) In addition to being there for my kids, I've helped those moms who have had to work for financial or even just for their own self-fulfillment. Instead of criticizing anyone's decision or wish to be a SAHM or a mom that works for pay, it's my belief that as women we should support one another in whatever decision works best for their family. Bottom line, as a mom, no matter what my kids want to do when they grow up I would never be disappointed as long as they were happy. So, if they want to be a SAH parent, or a garbage collector or a physicist I want them to follow their passions and love their lives. Many children don't get that opportunity and first and foremost as a parent I feel it's my job to help them follow their dreams whatever they may be.

dianasalentine

i just can't stomach a child saying "I want to be a stay at home parent when I grow up". If it happens for the right reasons of nurturing and behavioural development concerns, then awesome. But having it as a goal. Can't stop facepalming.

The thing that irritated me the most when I chose to stay home with my kids was the people saying "but it's such a waste … you're so smart (etc) that you could be <fill in the blank here>" I am successful just as I am. I don't need a career to make me successful (but I have several somethings to fall back on, if the need arises). And I would never discourage a child from having SAHP as a career goal … but again would remind them to have several options.



ETA: It's ironic, OP, that you bemoaned "I forgot I was asking on an internet forum" but you're the only one really trying to stir the pot.

I honestly just don't get it. Clearly I am alone. And that's ok. More power to you guys I guess. But I really don't get it. I especially don't get you saying 'SAHM as a career goal', that sentence makes zero sense to me. Because then saying 'a mom who has a career' would no longer make sense. It messes with my brain. lol.

The only thing you don't seem to get is that there are people out there with different values than your own. Being a mom is admirable, more admirable to many than being an accountant or a nurse or whatever. They want to succeed at being a mom like you want to succeed in your chosen field. it's not so hard to grasp.

I know many moms who chose to be a mom first, but also pick up a couple of shifts as a nurse around their moon duties. They verbally chose mom first, but also are at times "just" staying at home.

Personally I find a stay at home mom to be one of the hardest job in the world. And I don't consider that light responsibility. And to be a stay at home mom for a spouse that's a member of the armed forces is extremely tough. Hardest job in the army as they say I find it to be true. Tip my hat to stay at home moms.

^^Agreed^^ I was a SAHM while my husband was deployed and it was hard. Now I'm still a stay at home mom because our income allows me to have that luxury. I do miss working and I've actually have gotten job offers but paying for daycare out of pocket would literally mean I was working just to keep my kids in daycare. My DH and I have decided that it would be best to wait until they are in school. Everyone and their situation is different.