Boyfriend dilemma
Replies
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It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too.
Well, that's already in "pretty ****ing weird" territory, to be honest. I don't know *anybody* in my life whose needs would be met in that kind of relationship.
Seems to me neither one of you is really all that into the other.
Which is cool.
But the first rule of relationship is...if you want more, you need to give more....(which applies to him, too, of course)...0 -
Is this an example of an askhole?0
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I don't think you are overreacting at all. Maybe you want something different then he can provide.0
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If you're unhappy with it, and he won't change, then you should probably end it. Don't stay together just because you've been together for four years.0
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What do you want???
To get married? To be someone's true partner? To just have a relationship which is just about hanging out a few days a week and no growth potential?
If what you have right now is what you want: Great!!! If not, then you really should just move on. You are not this man's love... you are easy easy companionship and sex (I presume).. for which he gets to keep his life exactly the way he wants it and put no effort into having those things.I wouldn't call him your boyfriend either. You are his friend with benefits.
I agree about the friends with benefits! Actually, I feel more like he's just a companion/buddy now.
I do not want to get married. I did that once and that was enough for me. IMO, being married or living with someone isn't necessarily what I need in a relationship. I like our weekends but I would like to be acknowledged during the week as well.
I am just reading through this thread and I am confused about what you truly want. So I think it's possible that even this GUY could be confused, and you sound confused yourself!
Maybe I view things too black/white but the situation you describe would drive me absolutely nuts for more than probably 6 months to a year. I am the type of woman who needs to define terms and put a name on things. I honestly can't even imagine spending more than a year with a guy without deciding to stay together long-term/permanently.
However, I will add that during the first year I was with my husband we were separated every single week Mon-Thurs. We did spend Fri-Sun together including overnight. He was caring for his terminally ill mother and working from home, and the distance was too great for us to go back and forth daily. I did encounter some friends and acquaintances with very different views on my situation. They thought it was "strange" that we didn't drive back and forth daily (to them, 45-60 min was not a big deal but to us it was impractical & unnecessary). Friends also found it strange that we did not talk on the phone or text on the nights we weren't together. We did chat on gmail for at least an hour (often 2 hrs) nightly. But other people still found it 'odd' so I understand that you probably face a lot of that from other people.
What is most important is that YOU are happy and fulfilled by your relationship though. And honestly it does not sound to me like you are.
What's stopping you from talking to him frankly about all of this and describing your wants/needs?
Maybe it's my age and my past relationships that I am content with our arrangement. I do want long-term but to me that doesn't necessarily mean living together. I can't even get the man to sleep over.
All I'm asking from him is to acknowledge me during the week. I don't even bring up spending the night much anymore.0 -
This looks like Newtonian Dating. This relationship seems to be based solely on inertia.0
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so... If I'm summing this up correctly...
he wants to buy a house together...
you want your distance...
he doesn't want to spend the night...
we've been together for 4 years...
no contact through the week...
he's 58 so he's not getting freak on...
You people are making me laugh here!
Here's an edited summary
he wants to buy a house together...
he doesn't want to spend the night...
I like my time during the week
you've been together for 4 years...
no contact through the week...
he's 58 and gets his freak on with me
Okay... either you are happy with this situation or not. I'm not going to speculate that he is seeing someone during the week or that he's married. Those are viable possibilities, but I prefer to avoid making assumptions. If you are happy with your space, then why are you worried about it? You refused to buy a house with him because you liked the space. You basically told him you were comfortable with the way things are.
I'm sorry, but there is two of you in this relationship. You have to compromise somewhere. At 58 yo, it's not very likely that he is technologically-oriented, therefore, he probably doesn't text anyone much. He wanted to buy a house with you so that you could spend time together during the week. You told him you didn't want that. But you are asking him to communicate with you electronically through the week, something he may not be very inclined to do.
It may not have anything to do with interest. Maybe you just need to step back and look at things from his perspective.0 -
This isn't a boyfriend. It's a booty call.
Yeah - for both of them.0 -
Doesn't seem like you actually have a boyfriend, you are just banging some dude over the weekend and then you "like your time during the week".
You have set the precedent of the no speaking during the week.....you have made your bed, and you have the option to:
A) lay in said bed, or
Move on to the next guy you only want to bang, I mean call your boyfriend over the weekend time period. 0 -
You people are making me laugh here!
Here's an edited summary
he wants to buy a house together...
he doesn't want to spend the night...
I like my time during the week
we've been together for 4 years...
no contact through the week...
he's 58 and gets his freak on with me
Know what, nevermind. You two are perfect together.
It takes all kinds.
Real nice. :huh:0 -
It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too. When you live alone for a long time, you kinda enjoy it.
However, I never hear from him during the week. Rarely will he give me a call at lunch, never in the evening. Sometimes we will email or IM but not often. I never get a good morning from him or good night ... even via text. Nothing. I think he would be just fine with not talking to me Monday through Thursday.
I don't contact him anymore either because I am tired of always making the first move.
We've discussed it but he thinks I overreact.
Am I over reacting?
Is he married? :huh:0 -
I don't think you are overreacting at all. Maybe you want something different then he can provide.
I agree. I just wish it didn't take so long to realize.0 -
What do you want???
To get married? To be someone's true partner? To just have a relationship which is just about hanging out a few days a week and no growth potential?
If what you have right now is what you want: Great!!! If not, then you really should just move on. You are not this man's love... you are easy easy companionship and sex (I presume).. for which he gets to keep his life exactly the way he wants it and put no effort into having those things.I wouldn't call him your boyfriend either. You are his friend with benefits.
I agree about the friends with benefits! Actually, I feel more like he's just a companion/buddy now.
I do not want to get married. I did that once and that was enough for me. IMO, being married or living with someone isn't necessarily what I need in a relationship. I like our weekends but I would like to be acknowledged during the week as well.
I am just reading through this thread and I am confused about what you truly want. So I think it's possible that even this GUY could be confused, and you sound confused yourself!
Maybe I view things too black/white but the situation you describe would drive me absolutely nuts for more than probably 6 months to a year. I am the type of woman who needs to define terms and put a name on things. I honestly can't even imagine spending more than a year with a guy without deciding to stay together long-term/permanently.
However, I will add that during the first year I was with my husband we were separated every single week Mon-Thurs. We did spend Fri-Sun together including overnight. He was caring for his terminally ill mother and working from home, and the distance was too great for us to go back and forth daily. I did encounter some friends and acquaintances with very different views on my situation. They thought it was "strange" that we didn't drive back and forth daily (to them, 45-60 min was not a big deal but to us it was impractical & unnecessary). Friends also found it strange that we did not talk on the phone or text on the nights we weren't together. We did chat on gmail for at least an hour (often 2 hrs) nightly. But other people still found it 'odd' so I understand that you probably face a lot of that from other people.
What is most important is that YOU are happy and fulfilled by your relationship though. And honestly it does not sound to me like you are.
What's stopping you from talking to him frankly about all of this and describing your wants/needs?
Maybe it's my age and my past relationships that I am content with our arrangement. I do want long-term but to me that doesn't necessarily mean living together. I can't even get the man to sleep over.
All I'm asking from him is to acknowledge me during the week. I don't even bring up spending the night much anymore.
You stated before that he asks you to spend time with him during the week, but you'd rather not. Other things that you have said lead me to believe that he is feeling pushed away by you. It's not all on him to make you happy. Relationships are give and take. No exceptions.0 -
I can only compare your relationship to my own and to me yours it not normal.
My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years November 6th. In the beginning not 1 day went by when we didn't speak on the phone and we saw each other every Saturday.
We have been living together 2 years this May. He is my best friend and I couldn't imagine not having him around.
Sounds to me like you don't have a relationship.0 -
so you all have been together since you were 8?
I don't get it. :huh:
I am not surprised.
Nice
Just sounds like a 12 year old relationship. No dates, no spending the night, been together 4 years and don't even talk during the week. Have you met his wife yet?0 -
It will be four years in June that we've been together. We see one another only on the weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday and we're both content with that. No sleep overs on the weekend either. I'm okay with that too.
Well, that's already in "pretty ****ing weird" territory, to be honest. I don't know *anybody* in my life whose needs would be met in that kind of relationship.
Seems to me neither one of you is really all that into the other.
Which is cool.
But the first rule of relationship is...if you want more, you need to give more....(which applies to him, too, of course)...
I agree with you Mr. Knight. I feel that it's more of a companion type thing. Maybe at 70 I'll want that but now now.
I don't think he is really "into" me and I am definitely losing interest in him.0 -
so you all have been together since you were 8?
I don't get it. :huh:
I am not surprised.
Nice
Just sounds like a 12 year old relationship. No dates, no spending the night, been together 4 years and don't even talk during the week. Have you met his wife yet?
Are you married?0 -
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so you all have been together since you were 8?
I don't get it. :huh:
I am not surprised.
Nice
Just sounds like a 12 year old relationship. No dates, no spending the night, been together 4 years and don't even talk during the week. Have you met his wife yet?
Are you married?
No. I've been with my fiance for almost 4 years though. We talk.0 -
It's actually me that wants the week days to myself. He has invited me to the movies during the week with him and his son but I usually decline because I think it would be nice for him and his son to spend time together.
And there goes the other shoe...you are pushing him away, not the other way 'round.
Time to be honest about what it is you actually want...as long as you do that, there is no wrong answer...relationships come in all kinds of shapes and forms.
Good luck!0 -
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It seems very suspicious to me. If you have been with him for four years, you should talk through the week. Seems he is hiding something. Like a prior person said, he could be married or has another lady he is seeing. I would say don't waste your time if he isn't willing to compromise because he should want to see you happy.0
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You people are making me laugh here!
Here's an edited summary
he wants to buy a house together...
he doesn't want to spend the night...
I like my time during the week
we've been together for 4 years...
no contact through the week...
he's 58 and gets his freak on with me
Know what, nevermind. You two are perfect together.
It takes all kinds.
Real nice. :huh:
What do you want???
You present internet strangers with this insane arrangement you have. You ignore everyone's advice. You say you're not happy with the way things are but you're unwilling to do anything to change. You're in a 4 year relationship with a dude who doesn't like talking to you and you're not sure what to do? Are you 14?
Just stay with him. (it's the new Just Break Up)
I have not ignored anyone's advice. I try to comment on all of them but they're coming in very quickly. I am very appreciative to everyone, well, almost everyone.0 -
if this continued for FOUR YEARS then why is this suddenly an issue to you now?0
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Have you ever considered that this man is just really old-school and doesn't feel proper sleeping over? If he is going to share a bed with you, maybe he just wants it to be "your" bed (meaning yours and his) rather than "your" bed (meaning belonging just to you).
And I really think the communication during the week is more about him not liking cell phone technology.
How old are you? Are you both of the same generation? Because I'm seeing the problems in this relationship being more about generational gaps than him lacking interest.0 -
It seems very suspicious to me. If you have been with him for four years, you should talk through the week. Seems he is hiding something. Like a prior person said, he could be married or has another lady he is seeing. I would say don't waste your time if he isn't willing to compromise because he should want to see you happy.
But this is what's so confusing!
He's inviting her out during the week to spend time with him AND his son. That doesn't sound married to me...
He asked her to live together, she said no.
He invited her to the movies, she said no.
She wants to talk during the week, he says no.
She wants him to stay over, he says no.
WTF?!0 -
so you all have been together since you were 8?
I don't get it. :huh:
I am not surprised.
Nice
Just sounds like a 12 year old relationship. No dates, no spending the night, been together 4 years and don't even talk during the week. Have you met his wife yet?
Are you married?
No. I've been with my fiance for almost 4 years though. We talk.
Well, in my experience of going back out in the dating world back in 2008, I couldn't believe the games and lies, not all men but many of them. I felt like I was 15 again not 43. So, when you say "it sounds like a 12 year old relationship" I don't disagree.
However, my original question was "am I overreacting". It's nice to get outside views and opinions.0 -
Have you ever considered that this man is just really old-school and doesn't feel proper sleeping over? If he is going to share a bed with you, maybe he just wants it to be "your" bed (meaning yours and his) rather than "your" bed (meaning belonging just to you).
And I really think the communication during the week is more about him not liking cell phone technology.
How old are you? Are you both of the same generation? Because I'm seeing the problems in this relationship being more about generational gaps than him lacking interest.
He's old school and will have sex with her but not sleep beside her? Cell phone technology? He can't call her once a week from a land line? LOL0 -
no you aren't.
Don't make someone a priority, when to them you are only an option.0 -
It seems very suspicious to me. If you have been with him for four years, you should talk through the week. Seems he is hiding something. Like a prior person said, he could be married or has another lady he is seeing. I would say don't waste your time if he isn't willing to compromise because he should want to see you happy.
But this is what's so confusing!
He's inviting her out during the week to spend time with him AND his son. That doesn't sound married to me...
He asked her to live together, she said no.
He invited her to the movies, she said no.
She wants to talk during the week, he says no.
She wants him to stay over, he says no.
WTF?!
When you put it that way, it is a WTF moment! He doesn't see his son very often and i feel like I am intruding. I go to the movies with him on the weekend. I have gone to the movies with him and his two sons at Christmas time.0
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