Boyfriend dilemma
Replies
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My bf and I have been dating a few years as well. We saw each other a bit more frequently when I was just working but now that I'm in grad school as well we might see each other 1x or not at all during weekdays and then hang out on weekends. We don't generally text or call each other during the week either. If I felt I had something I needed to talk to him about I would certainly contact him (and I think he'd do the same) but I've never been a "contact your significant other every day" kind of person.
I assure you, neither of us are married and I think we're both fairly content with this arrangement although I admit I could do with less school work and more time with him during the week. I feel no less loved without a general update every weekday and, in fact, that would probably drive me nuts.
Just wanted to bring to light that this issue could have to do with personality (introversion vs. extroversion) and schedule conflicts too! I wouldn't just automatically assume he's a cheater. Not everyone talks to their SO every day.
However, in this case the OP sounds like she might like more updates/contact from him and if she voiced that concern and he was dismissive - the fact that he ignored it is the problem. To the OP: I'd say bring up the fact that you'd like a little bit more contact during the week, that this issue is very important to you, and maybe throw out something specific to help him (like maybe a phone call or text on Wednesday.) If he ignores your request, it may be time to move on.0 -
In for the exciting conclusion0
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I think It's time to call it quits, dear.0
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In for the exciting conclusion
You must be new.
Either 1.) OP will disappear and there will be no conclusion or 2.) She hasn't mentioned some huge elephant in the room ...yet.
Or, she'll come back and continue the same see-sawing
Or, she'll update us in three years.0 -
Have you ever considered that this man is just really old-school and doesn't feel proper sleeping over? If he is going to share a bed with you, maybe he just wants it to be "your" bed (meaning yours and his) rather than "your" bed (meaning belonging just to you).
And I really think the communication during the week is more about him not liking cell phone technology.
How old are you? Are you both of the same generation? Because I'm seeing the problems in this relationship being more about generational gaps than him lacking interest.
I'm 49, he will be 59 (this week). He is very techno savvy, more than some youngsters I know. But I'm not even asking for a phone call. I know he's busy, I'm busy too. Just a text or an email. If I don't send one, I don't get one.
As for his and my bed, we are both comfortable in our own house, that is why I don't give him a hard time about not spending the night.
You're 49 years old? Is this more your 1st or 2nd long-term relationship you've been?
Married for 6 years, in a 3 year relationship immediately following my divorce then a year later in a 10 year relationship. I have lived alone since 1995, after my marriage I vowed never to live with a man again and I haven't. I would consider it now but I don't believe the right one has come along since then. Either that or I really like living alone.
And there it is. You just answered your own question. You don't think he is the right one.0 -
Sing some Whitney Houston for him:
"A few stolen moments is all that we share..
You've got your family, and they need you there..."
So much real life.0 -
I have lived alone since 1995, after my marriage I vowed never to live with a man again and I haven't. I would consider it now but I don't believe the right one has come along since then. Either that or I really like living alone.
You've answered your own questions.
You're really just not that into him.0 -
In for the exciting conclusion
You must be new.
Either 1.) OP will disappear and there will be no conclusion or 2.) She hasn't mentioned some huge elephant in the room ...yet.
Or, she'll come back and continue the same see-sawing
Or, she'll update us in three years.
Don't forget the good ol' "you're so mean!!!!!1111oneone, you're all bullies/haters" #ragequit0 -
so you all have been together since you were 8?
I don't get it. :huh:
IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THIS IS A PROBLEM TWELVE YEAR OLDS HAVE0 -
I am not sure that classifies as a boyfriend.
if you'd like more from someone then you need to move on sweetie.0 -
In for the exciting conclusion
You must be new.
Either 1.) OP will disappear and there will be no conclusion or 2.) She hasn't mentioned some huge elephant in the room ...yet.
Or, she'll come back and continue the same see-sawing
Or, she'll update us in three years.
Don't forget the good ol' "you're so mean!!!!!1111oneone, you're all bullies/haters" #ragequit
I don't think so. She doesn't seem to take offense. There has been quite a bit of brutal honesty here.
Personally, I think she's a 49 YO woman who is perfectly capable of handling this but she had a slow day at work and was looking for a little entertainment. Always good fun to post a relationship question on MFP.0 -
Those of you who gave great advice and support, thank you
Those of you thinks he may be cheating, I assure you, he's not.
Those of you who thinks this is a problem 12 year old's have..... more like an18 year old. I didn't date when I was 12 (or 8).
We need to both figure out what we want and make it work or move on. I think we're hanging on because it's easier than dating.
Thank you again.
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We need to both figure out what we want and make it work or move on. I think we're hanging on because it's easier than dating.
Thank you again.
Sag, no offense intended, but it sounds like you are back at square one. From what you describe, he's not much of a participant in this relationship so how do you expect him to just tell you what he wants? It seems to me he has been showing you what he wants through his behavior.
When I started reading your original post, I truly thought you were a teenager. I don't get the impression that you really know what you want.
I advise you to figure out what you want and then take action appropriately, whether you choose to stay or leave.
Even though I've been with a wonderful man for years now, if he was as closed off as this beau of yours is (from what you describe), I would have left a long time ago. In my book, it's better being alone than being with someone who does not pull their weight.
And, by the way, I've read through this thread and I think everyone gave fine advice. You did come here asking a question, and just because some people answered in a way you did not like does not mean the advice was bad.
The best of luck to you.0 -
Thank you SLLRunner. I do appreciate your input and you're right, I don't know what I want, I don't think I have since my divorce and I don't think my SO knows what he wants either. I do know that I like to be acknowledged by my SO.
When I went back out in the dating world in 2008, I felt like a teenager, it really isn't much different from when I was 18 except men and women are much more independent.
Thank you again 0 -
I spoke with him and I got my answer.....
He wants to know why he has to contact me every day. Kinda hurts but whatever.0 -
I spoke with him and I got my answer.....
He wants to know why he has to contact me every day. Kinda hurts but whatever.
Answering a question with a question is never a good sign.0 -
I spoke with him and I got my answer.....
He wants to know why he has to contact me every day. Kinda hurts but whatever.
His wife is going to be so pissed.0 -
I'm pretty sure you're not the only girl in his life. (and I'm not talking momma/sister/female cousin)0
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Sounds like he has the best of both worlds....time to move on to a real relationship and not just a part time???0
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Just my observations....if he has a child from a previous relationship and he has asked you to spend time with him and his son, he most definitely wants you to be a part of his life. If you have declined repeatedly, then he has gotten the message that you want no part of his child, nor do you want to get to know him. Please understand that if he is a committed father, part of a relationship with him, will include developing a relationship of some kind with his child. If you don't want that, then he has to "compartmentalize" his relationship with you to the time he does not have his son. It seems to me that you have already drawn a line around blocks of your time that are off limits to him, yet you want him to respond to your texts during that time and are unhappy if he does not. My sense is that if you are not already in counseling, that you get to a counselor as soon as possible. I think the current state of the relationship is a result of your boundaries, not his and the fact that you are trying to manipulate his behavior when he is not with you, is a sign that you have some issues that need to be worked out in counseling. I sincerely hope that you do this if you want to continue this relationship especially since a child is involved.0
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I spoke with him and I got my answer.....
He wants to know why he has to contact me every day. Kinda hurts but whatever.
I would tell him that he doesn't have to, but you wish he wanted to. I would tell him you have plans for this weekend that don't include him and would really take the time to figure out if dating is really harder than being in a relationship with somebody who doesn't full fill your needs and appears to have little desire to try.0 -
Just my observations....if he has a child from a previous relationship and he has asked you to spend time with him and his son, he most definitely wants you to be a part of his life. If you have declined repeatedly, then he has gotten the message that you want no part of his child, nor do you want to get to know him. Please understand that if he is a committed father, part of a relationship with him, will include developing a relationship of some kind with his child. If you don't want that, then he has to "compartmentalize" his relationship with you to the time he does not have his son. It seems to me that you have already drawn a line around blocks of your time that are off limits to him, yet you want him to respond to your texts during that time and are unhappy if he does not. My sense is that if you are not already in counseling, that you get to a counselor as soon as possible. I think the current state of the relationship is a result of your boundaries, not his and the fact that you are trying to manipulate his behavior when he is not with you, is a sign that you have some issues that need to be worked out in counseling. I sincerely hope that you do this if you want to continue this relationship especially since a child is involved.
His "child" is 27 years old, great guy, we're even FB friends. Has nothing to do with him or wanting to spend time with him. I've gone over it a million times in this thread. I know it's a pain to read the whole thread.
In short.... It's not going to work between us.0 -
I spoke with him and I got my answer.....
He wants to know why he has to contact me every day. Kinda hurts but whatever.
I would tell him that he doesn't have to, but you wish he wanted to. I would tell him you have plans for this weekend that don't include him and would really take the time to figure out if dating is really harder than being in a relationship with somebody who doesn't full fill your needs and appears to have little desire to try.
That's a great response. Thank you.0 -
My first thought, too -- he's married.0
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Just my observations....if he has a child from a previous relationship and he has asked you to spend time with him and his son, he most definitely wants you to be a part of his life. If you have declined repeatedly, then he has gotten the message that you want no part of his child, nor do you want to get to know him. Please understand that if he is a committed father, part of a relationship with him, will include developing a relationship of some kind with his child. If you don't want that, then he has to "compartmentalize" his relationship with you to the time he does not have his son. It seems to me that you have already drawn a line around blocks of your time that are off limits to him, yet you want him to respond to your texts during that time and are unhappy if he does not. My sense is that if you are not already in counseling, that you get to a counselor as soon as possible. I think the current state of the relationship is a result of your boundaries, not his and the fact that you are trying to manipulate his behavior when he is not with you, is a sign that you have some issues that need to be worked out in counseling. I sincerely hope that you do this if you want to continue this relationship especially since a child is involved.
His "child" is 27 years old, great guy, we're even FB friends. Has nothing to do with him or wanting to spend time with him. I've gone over it a million times in this thread. I know it's a pain to read the whole thread.
In short.... It's not going to work between us.
GOOD. Glad we were of help.
Now, make that statement stick ^^0 -
This isn't a boyfriend. It's a booty call.
...he always comes to my house because he works out of his house and likes to get out.
:huh:
I would be concerned.
This.0 -
He's married.
^ This x 1000 -
4 years and that's all you get? The weekends? Sounds like a pretty lousy deal. You deserve better than that!
And overreacting? Sweetheart.. you are UNDERreacting.0 -
He's married.
100% honest, that was my first thought.
I was thinking the same thing.0 -
The paranoia in this thread is hilarious. The guy is probably busy and shouldn't be committed to a relationship. Break up with him or accept that you are not his priority. It all depends on what you want with your life.0
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