Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
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We don't know him, or your relationship together. It could be his way of showing concern for your health and wanting what is best for you, albeit in an inadvertently rude, controlling way. Possibly he doesn't realise how hurtful his ultimatum is, and just thinks its a great way to motivate you to lose weight and be healthy. In other words, his approach is wrong but his heart is in the right place.
OR, he could be a controlling , superficial man. I second the concerns mentioned by others - is he going to be like this for the rest of your marriage? Telling you how much you can gain if you get pregnant, how fast you have to lose the weight after? If this is how you think he will be, then you have to decide if that is the kind of energy you want coming from a partner you are saying you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I hope things work out for you, whatever way that may be. Feel better.0 -
Sing it with me........to the left..to the left......0
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Doesn't sound like love. But only you know that.
^this.0 -
If she'd said that he called her fat or asked her to lose weight, then I could buy the "concerned for health but horribly awkward" angle. It's the "must be x weight" that makes me not buy that explanation. You can be healthy without being 130 lbs.0
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So what happens when you decide to get pregnant? Will he allow you to gain weight?0
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The title of your post says it all. You already KNOW its not right. Listen to your gut instinct, its trying to tell you something!0
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Tell him you'll lose the weight for the wedding but that you expect him to grow a couple of extra inches or it's off. And I don't mean in height.0
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The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
Where are all the Just Break Up chanters? You'd think they'd be all over this like flies on...rice. Finally a thread where the spouse is actually doing some screwed up and yet...only two pages? But when someone's husband is bringing home cookies things blow up.0 -
I'm the same age as you, OP. You're too young to be married !0
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The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
Where are all the Just Break Up chanters? You'd think they'd be all over this like flies on...rice. Finally a thread where the spouse is actually doing some screwed up and yet...only two pages? But when someone's husband is bringing home cookies things blow up.
IKR? Not even one person saying she needs to punch him in the junk.0 -
That's really depressing that your going through that I know that it's hard to move on but that is what I think u need to do that is wrong of him to do that to you and after leaving him trust me the weight will start falling off u well that's what happened to me when I went from being with my partner for 12 years to single but I lost my appetite and running around with the 3 kids on my own I lost around 15 kg (33 pounds) in 2 months so kick him to the kerb lose that weight on your terms and then rub it in his face when u have that sexy body and a real man that loves you for you and would marry u at what ever size good luck0
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Tell him you'll lose the weight for the wedding but that you expect him to grow a couple of extra inches or it's off. And I don't mean in height.
Best advice ever!!!!0 -
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
Where are all the Just Break Up chanters? You'd think they'd be all over this like flies on...rice. Finally a thread where the spouse is actually doing some screwed up and yet...only two pages? But when someone's husband is bringing home cookies things blow up.
IKR? Not even one person saying she needs to punch him in the junk.
OP, next time you see this guy, punch him in the junk.*
He doesn't want to get married and is looking for a way out. He's a coward and an *kitten*. Run.
*not someone who normally condones violent junk punches0 -
But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.
This is what I was thinking. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you don't have both sides of the story. If my partner was gaining weight rapidly, I would be concerned.0 -
'cause "being concerned" = i wont marry you unless you weigh X
But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.
This is what I was thinking. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you don't have both sides of the story. If my partner was gaining weight rapidly, I would be concerned.0 -
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
Where are all the Just Break Up chanters? You'd think they'd be all over this like flies on...rice. Finally a thread where the spouse is actually doing some screwed up and yet...only two pages? But when someone's husband is bringing home cookies things blow up.
IKR? Not even one person saying she needs to punch him in the junk.
She needs to punch him in the junk. There I said it :happy:0 -
Long time ago I would say what everyone else is saying. It's not love, etc. But I've been married before and it was all wrong. I went in to the marriage "hoping" that some things would change down the line that was important to me....and it didn't and I was miserable. I have a close cousin that is really overweight and her hubby wants her to lose weigh (he wanted her to before their wedding last year) ...this bothers her b/c it hurts her feelings....but I feel like he has a right to want a healthy, good looking wife. So I believe that your future husband deserves to have a healthy wife that he is attracted to. Now I do have a concern that he wants you to get down to a certain number....that is a bit over the top to me. And is he supporting you? I think it is a big difference when your mate really cares about you and supports you in anyway possible to help you vs. just sitting back and saying, "you need to lose weight and I'm not marrying you until you get to 130".
I think ultimately you know what type of guy he is. Is he coming from a loving place, or is he being an *kitten*? If he is a good man, he means you no harm (but being completely honest with you and his feelings) then I think you might want to see it from his perspective. I'm hoping if you had some things that were high on your list you would want to see some great effort from him before you married him....i.e. bad credit, or poor money management.
Nonetheless, I hear the pain, and you need a big hug! Get your mojo back, and take on a different attitude, like, I deserve to be the best me and my husband deserves a healthy, hot, wife! But I WILL ADD...DO NOT LOSE WEIGHT "ONLY" FOR HIM. THIS HAS TO BE A LIFESTYLE CHANGE AND SOMETHING THAT YOU FINALLY WANT TO DO! I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE IT IN YOU......
GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!0 -
I'm sorry that you are in this situation *hugs*
I feel for you because I think that if I had stayed with my ex then I would also be in a similar situation.
He used to make me feel inferior and I knew that if I got back to my fit body then he would treat me better; but I broke up with him because I couldn't be with someone whose love for me was based on my physical appearance. I want to be with someone who will take me as is, no matter what the situation.
Ask yourself this : If you were to reach his " ideal " weight for you, then what guarantees do you have that he won't be calling these kinds of ultimatums later?
Our body goes through changes, especially if you get pregnant or ill, and you deserve to be with someone that is going to love you no matter what those changes are.
I understand if you want your partner to be healthy and active but I don't think that he should be threatening the relationship.0 -
But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.
This is what I was thinking. It's easy to jump to conclusions when you don't have both sides of the story. If my partner was gaining weight rapidly, I would be concerned.
Wut?
1) She's lost 40 pounds in the time they've been together. She's put some back on but still that means she's smaller than when they met. Why is he concerned now but not 5 almost 6 years ago?
2) Being concerned = Won't marry you until your X weight?! Because that doesn't sound like concern, it sound like blackmail.
3) OH my gosh, who am I and what are these words I'm typing.0 -
I Think He Has Good Intentions, Probably trying to motivate you.. however, sometimes it has the reverse effect. he should want to marry you for YOU, not how you look.0
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