Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?

knittnponder

My daughter is just a couple of years younger than you and I can tell you if she were in that situation I would tell her to lose some weight quickly by dumping him. I've been married to the same man for almost 22 years. I've been fat, thin and everywhere in between and he's never been anything but loving and supportive. Never, ever demanded that I change for him because he loves me as is. Even if you lose the weight, are you really willing to spend the rest of your life worrying that if you gain a pound he's going to leave you?

Murf2014

drop him like a hot potato. A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time.

The first response nailed it for me! :drinker:

RevWirth

Run. And I don't mean exercise. This is a recipe for disaster and emotional turmoil. Run. Get out. I mean it.

animatorswearbras

Tell him to gain 3 inches on his d*ck and see how he responds to that, then regardless dump him because he sounds like a total *kitten*-weasel

DrKhaotica

A good quote from Charlie Chaplin:

"Your naked body should belong only to those that fall in love with your naked soul."

chasetwins

First I am so sorry you are going through this. People suck sometimes!! With that said - first you are not going to be committed to losing weight all stressed out! You need a calm level head to be successful in this journey. As far as he is concerned...please tell me it is not as bad as it sounds and that he really said it differently than you posted it?!?!?! Because if he point blank said that...Peace out buddy!! If someone dictates your weight - it is not TRUE love! And my guess would be he is going to be harsh through your marriage about your diet beginning with that bite of wedding cake!!
I have been with my husband since 1999 and have weighed anywhere from 150 to 225 and my husband has NOT once said anything about my size...our sex life has not changed...his personality did not change nadda!! That is love!!!
This boy is materialistic! You have to lose the weight for YOU and no one and nothing else!!! Move home where you will have the real support you need and deserve!! Then lose the weight for YOU - when you feel all sexy take a pic and mail it to him LOL

Best of luck!!!

blueraffi

Kick him to the street.

kmclamb13

I don't understand why he has hung around for 5 years if he doesn't like your weight.You said you have never reached goal .Why is he sticking around?If there are ultimatums I would just be alone for a while until i got my life straight.Its about you being happy; and living in stress doesn't sound like a happy life.

lauriej143

Your worth is more than just the size of your wedding dress. A husband should want to be by your side through thick and thin or fat and slim!!

bcattoes

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's easy for us to tell you what to do but only you know the details of your relationship and can make the final decision. That said, I'd drop him like a hot potato. A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time. Just my opinion.

All of this ^^

If this man is not wanting to marry you because he can't stand the thought of living without you, he's not the right man to marry.

jadejames

I'm not going to mince my words - that man is an a**hole

Lose weight for you - not for him.

Carriemomof3boys

I've been with my husband for 10 years. and LET ME TELL you, if a man TRULY loves you, Yes he will want you to be healthy. But He won't tell you "lose weight or no wedding!" that is insanity to me, My husband has loved me at my biggest which was +325lbs (not sure I was scared to weigh myself that big) i got a pic i think on my page, and my smallest was 249lbs (size 22) and He honestly never saw a difference in my size. Nobody can tell you what to do, but, I say, You deserve someone who LOVES you with such a radical love he won't care what you looked like, Yes we all want our spouses to be healthy, but it isn't a reason to not get married. You deserve so much better. Love yourself first.

Magenta15

Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...

...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.

Add me to the list.


If it's like this NOW, how is it going to be when you're pregnant, or when the two of you are going through a rough patch? Nopenopenope. Cut your losses while there's time.

add me to the list as well, I never comment on these threads but WHOA! just whoa... who does he think he is, and why do you put up with that? I recently got married, at my heaviest, he loves me for who I am, and is oblivious to the fact that I've put on some weight since we got together.... "did you lose weight honey?" "nope, i've gained some are you blind?" lol.... so if he had said we can't get married until you lose this many lbs or are this weight i would have said great... i just lost 205lbs (his weight) see ya!!! I am losing weight for me, and he supports that as he wants me to be happy but doesn't think i NEED to. that's love right there lol. good luck with whatever you do, but I think you need to reevaluate your relationship and how you see this playing out through the years

lbetancourt

lose the weight then dump him.

good luck & hope you make the right decision.

Magenta15

Just saw this on fb, thought it was fitting... a la Erin Brown, she's always got such inspiring things to say:

I just received an email I wanted to share with you. The reader wrote to me about an email she had received from a bootcamp instructor promoting his business with a story.

The story went like this: "Mary's" husband started cheating on her when she gained weight. Instead of doing something about it "Mary" ate chocolate causing more weight gain which stressed the relationship. "Mary" should have joined bootcamp to "show him" what he was missing, to gain sex appeal and confidence from all of the compliments she'd receive instead of failing her marriage with chocolate.

*crickets*

WRONG. These are what will become the sad, antiquated days when the fitness industry perpetuated ideas about women's worth in relationships and in the world hinging on an ability to be small or sexually attractive in a specific and narrow way. This is the sad use of that terrible, aging, ridiculous idea to sell worth to women in a workout. This, is sad.

Here's the deal with Mary... she is having a life. She is married to a guy who is not honoring the commitment they made to each other and she will be faced with difficult decisions as the secrets become knowings. Mary's relationship is likely complex and full of nuances and issues only truly known to her and her husband. Her weight is not what she brings to the relationship. If Mary was my friend I would offer to take her on walks. Not because cheating-husband-Mary needs to shape up so her husband will "see how hot she is" but so that she can find some autonomy, peace, clarity, connection so often found on a beautiful walk. My hope for Mary would be that she find strength in her voice to say what needs to be said, and the conviction to do what is best for her own peace. And as I do with anyone, going through rough times or not, I would wish her the wisdom to make time for herself- everyday -to take care of herself in a way that feels good to her. Because life is hard, and it's made much easier with our own deserved nurturing.

The fitness industry will catch up one of these days. In the mean time know this:

We are not here to gain approval of our bodies from others.
Our worth does not lie between our thighs nor in the shape of them.
If you have to "prove" yourself to someone by shrinking for them, the only race I'd be training for would be the one running far from that individual.
When you know you deserve better, you get it. Even if that means giving it to yourself.

To the Mary's of the world; don't find some *kitten* hole personal trainer who believes he can "rescue you" by selling you a hot body plan. Your worth lies squarely within you. Let your self care be a celebration. Let it be about peace. Let it be about you. Not about approval. The approval you need is your own, and you already deserve it.

xo, Erin



Is he honoring the commitment and life you two have created together (marriage or not)???? Will he in the future?

Jillian130

You're not even married yet and he's already putting demands on you. Thats a warning sign. He should love you for the person you are on the inside, not your physical attributes. So what happens when you lose the weight? What if he asks you to change the color of your hair because now he prefers blonde/red/brunette, whatever. If you give in, it will always be something else he will want to change and then one day you will not even recognize yourself. You won't even know who you are. Been there done that. Kicked him to the curb and instantly lost 175lbs. (referring to the ex)

Sharon5913

OMG, run like hell in the other direction. If he's this controlling now, I cannot imagine what will happen later on down the road. The voice of experience says don't do it. Just my opinion of course. :flowerforyou: :

Sharon

Miss_james1990

Yes I don't know you and I don't need to know you to know that you deserve better than some guy who thinks it's ok to put forward such a ultimatum. After all isn't marriage about true love?

lesteidel

That is most likely an ABUSIVE relationship. Controlling that much is a big big warning sign.

Please get out now?

He is issuing your insecurity about your weight to control you and keep you in fear of him leaving. That's abuse.

PleAae seek help

madhatter2013

Wow!!! If he puts that kind of condition on you just to get married, can you imagine what kind of conditions he may put on your kids, should you have any? Let's take you out of the equation just for a minute here. Let's just assume you have children with him and, god forbid, something happens to you that you are no longer able to be there for them. Would you want your children having to spend the rest of their lives up to adulthood with a man like that? Even if you were still in the picture, imagine what kind of adults they would turn out to be. If you have sons, would you want them putting restrictions on their SO's? Would you want your daughters to think it's ok for a man to love them conditionally? I know without having anyone else but yourself to think about, 5 years is a long time invested and you probably dson't want to give that up, but what happens when you're not the only other one to be thinking of?

Francl27

I'm with everyone... show him the door. You need to want to lose weight for yourself, not some random dude. What happens after the wedding if you gain weight back again? (which you really might if you're losing weight for someone else). Will he divorce you?

WTH.

CipherZero

he does not get to dictate to you what you weigh.

But he does get to dictate what he's willing to compromise on, and this clearly isn't it.

What you do with this is up to you, though.

craftergin

I'm sorry you're so miserable. He's an *kitten* and it's better to find out BEFORE you marry him. Kick him to the curb. He's toxic.

nicolescallion

Marriage is for 2 people who love each other threw THICK AND THIN! You deserve understanding! Not judgement:)

HW_6

Lots of other people have already said this, but I totally agree - don't marry him! If he doesn't love you for who you are, he's not the right one for you. You shouldn't marry someone who wants you to weigh a certain amount when you get married. You can find someone better, I'm sure of it!

srslybritt

On second thought, probably best to sort out your own stuff before throwing marriage into the kerfuffle.

fat2skinny50

I am a mother, and if my daughter said her boyfriend would not marry her unless she changes something about herself I would tell her to RUN and run as fast as she could away from him. You do not deserve to be in a abusive relationship, and yes you are in an mentally abusive relationship which is just as dangerous as a physical abuser. You should lose the weight for you, for your health and no one else. Become happy with you and you will find a man that truly deserves you and loves you. As I seriously do not think your current boyfriend truly loves you unconditionally or he would not tell you to change, by losing weight, or he will not marry you. Good luck to you and feel free to friend me.

bonkers1224

THIS!
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.

andreyadonna

I have a different perspective here.

Maybe.

Have we considered that this might be a legitimately emotionally abusive relationship? Alot of things change if that's the case. For instance, if this is an abusive relationship she is here asking that question because she's been manipulated into a position where she believes she has no power and the idea of dropping him becomes an overwhelmingly tall order. She won't be able to see the red flags either. abusive relationships are notorious for seeing what's going on around you. Everyone outside the relationship is screaming for you to run but you think "he loves me, it's not -that- bad" or any number of other excuses.
Also, if this is an abusive relationship, distancing herself from the person for even a little while and leaving contact is the most likely thing to break the cycle. My suggestion is something like this, test these waters tentatively. Tell him you are thinking of leaving for a year to go home and spend time with your family. If the immediate response from him is to tell you that's a stupid idea or to insinuate that doing so is saying that you don't love him. Go home. Don't talk to him more than once a week and spend a year focusing on you. If his response is something more supportive and less accusatory, try branching a little farther and tell him you are thinking of going because you feel stuck and it feels like you are only wanted on the off chance that you'll get thin and you feel like you are worth more than that.
If he responds to that with a tirade about you not loving him enough to commit to losing weight. Go Home.
If he is more reasonable, this could all be a misunderstanding.
We don't know your life and couldn't say for certain what is happening. If you are in an abusive relationship it will be very hard to see it until you leave it. But don't assume anything because the internet told you so. None of us know more than you do. Sometimes you just have to change the angle.

AmazonRDH

drop that stupid SOB.