Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
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Back in 1990, I married a man just like the one your talking about. I had red flags warning much like this but didn't heed them. Within two years, the mental (controlling and isolating) abuse turned physical and I became another statistic for domestic abuse. Please heed the warning signs.. run don't walk as far far away from this man as you can.0
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Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...
...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.
Add me to the list.
If it's like this NOW, how is it going to be when you're pregnant, or when the two of you are going through a rough patch? Nopenopenope. Cut your losses while there's time.
Yep. I was in a relationship like this in my 20's. It does not change...trust me. In my case, I lost the weight & he just found something else to be dissatisfied over. People like this do not change.
^^^^Yes! I've had this sort of relationship (not the same ultimatum but the dissatisfaction) and it doesn't get better. I am so happy that my husband married me when I was my max weight because I am confident that he won't be unhappy with me in the future--it only gets better from there! You are young and when we're young we don't realize how much better we can hope for. Take it from someone who's been there and now is in a much better place--there is better out there! And, being alone is better than being with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.
My vote: lose weight AND no wedding. Good luck!0 -
I'd say kick him to the curb as he has a controlling personality from the sounds of it. Worrying about your other's weight for health reasons is one thing but this is more like a control issue. Get out while the getting is good. Keep on losing but for yourself not because he's holding the wedding hostage.0
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red flag!0
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To me the question is: Does he love You or an image in his head? Praying for you.0
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The way I see it, if you stress out about getting into a body shape he wants, that will pretty much set the tone for your marriage. Your entire marriage will involve you bending backwards to please him. That is not love and that would not be a happy marriage. You are still young, explore, find yourself, and by no means feel like any one person other than you holds the key to your happiness. Sorry about your losses. If you need to be home with your family for a while, go on home and do that. But whatever you decide to do, you need to focus on loving yourself first and healing your soul.0
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I'm at a cross-road in my life right now. I'm 23 years old and I've always been overweight, as far back as I can remember! I have been in my current relationship for 5 years going on 6 in Sept, I'm engaged, and since being in this relationship I've lost over 40 pounds, and have gone through some major cosmetic surgery( NOTE: I'm not condoning it, but it worked for me since most of my weight was loose skin accumulated over the years), that actually took of an extra 15 pounds, totaling 55 pounds lost.
I should be happy right?..., well I'm not because the man that I'm engaged to doesn't want to marry me until I reach my ideal weight of 130.
I'm at 209 right now, and since the surgery 2 years ago, I've actually put back on the pounds and then some. Most of that weight put on the last couple of months grieving 2 individuals I've lost in my life, losing my job, all in the last 4 months! I feel like I failed myself! Defeated even! And my relationship as taken a HUGE hit because my weight just will not come off. I work out regularly, eat healthy and my weight doesn't get past 175-180.
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!
***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
Love is UNCONDITIONAL. Find a new BF0 -
Get rid of him...he is not worth it !
The other thing that perplexes me is the fact that you had cosmetic surgery to get rid of exess skin at that stage in weight loss. Are you planning to have it again ? Because if you chose to get to goal or close ( of course by your own choice and not through blackmail by your fiancé ) you would lose another 75 pounds ( one and a half time of what you lost ). But maybe and sadly that was a decision you had to make because of the man in your life.
Please, reconsider marrying such a controlling person....you deserve to be happy !
Good Luck !0 -
Is he saying that to encourage you because he knows how bad you want to reach your target weight ?0
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I have been married for 36 years and all I can say is that, as a general rule, as one gets to my age, most of us lose our beauty, figure etc. Child bearing, child rearing etc etc all take their toll - if you're fiance doesn't think you're beautiful enough to want to marry you now, today, then he will not think you beautiful enough to stay with when you're both knocking on the door of 60!!! Support and encouragement are one thing - wanting you to lose weight for yourself and your health is a good thing - wanting a slim bride or nothing is something else. Only you can decide whether he is doing this cos he thinks that will motivate you to be happier or whether he's just a selfish pr--k!
Good luck - lose weight, if that's what you want, for you and no-one else:flowerforyou:0 -
Sing it with me........to the left..to the left......
^^This!!!!
Clearly, this is NOT love; Love has no "conditions"0 -
too upset to comment...praying for you to have the courage to kick his *kitten* out!, for you to have confidence that you deserve to be happy...because you are amazing...just the way you are:):flowerforyou:0
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I did not read all the replies... all I have to say is H E L L no... no way I would marry this man. :explode:0
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I don't know anything about your relationship, so I won't comment on that - only you can decide what's best in that department.
What I DO know is that if you aren't losing weight for YOU, then it won't happen. It just won't. It doesn't matter what the consequences are to not lose weight. I'm speaking from experience. It doesn't matter how much you want it or how terrible life will be if you don't reach your goals, if you aren't doing it for YOU then you simply won't do it.
So just relax, assess what you want and what you care about. Try to learn to love the body you're in, regardless if you end up wanting to change it. If you don't start from a positive place mentally, then you're setting yourself up for failure.
Good luck0 -
Yeah, I'd be kicking his *kitten* to the curb. If you love someone it shouldn't be conditional on what they weigh. It's a whole package.0
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My first gut reaction is that he seems to care more about how you look that who you are. In that case, I'd question if he's the one that I really want to commit to for my life.
But then I also wonder if he's trying to say that he's concerned about your health and wishes that you'd get to healthier weight because he's worried about you. And maybe he's just not able to express that in a way that makes sense, and it comes out as him saying that he only wants you at a lighter weight. In that case, I'd want to talk to him about both of our health goals and both of our fears and dreams for the future.
I'm wondering about this, too. I know that when I'm upset and emotional, I sometimes respond to things more negatively than I would normally. If someone says to me, "I'm worried about your health" and I'm having a bad day, I sometimes just hear "you're fat and gross."
Like many people here have said, only YOU know what your fiance is trying to tell you. If he's truly telling you that he won't marry you until you are a certain weight and look a certain way, I think that you know what you need to do. But is he really saying that? If you've always been overweight and he's been with you for 5 years, I have to wonder whether he's just concerned about your physical and mental well-being. Maybe he sees how hurt you are right now and he doesn't want to start a marriage until you are in a better place (physically AND emotionally - we all know how the two can play off each other).
It sounds like you are in a really rough spot and need more help than just losing weight. I'd recommend having an open an honest conversation with him about what he wants and what you need, and maybe consider seeing a professional to talk things over with.
Good luck
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Agreed. Sounds like he's setting you up for failure. That is a HUGE amount he wants to lose, and even with steady weight loss (at a healthy rate), would probably take a couple years to achieve. Sounds like he's looking for a way out so it's "your fault" instead of his for calling things off.
And even if you go through with it, what happens if you regain some weight? Would he threaten to divorce you if you don't lose it pronto?
Drop him.0 -
I didn't read the whole thread so I apologize if I am repeating...
Sounds to me like he doesn't actually want to marry you and has found a way to make the failed engagement your fault. He is building his out.
Someone who puts that kind of condition on your marriage doesn't sound very committed to me and I would never trust that he wouldn't run for cover at the first sign of "for worse"
But only you can make the final call0 -
I'll echo a lot of the comments here...none of us know the details of your relationship.
That being said, I'll give you the same advice I gave a friend who was in a similar situation to you. Don't ever marry someone for who you would like them be (thinner, blonder, less vulgar, more educated, etc.). You marry someone who you accept AS THEY ARE. This goes both ways. Of course he might want you to be more careful with yourself and your health, but then he needs to find a much better way of saying it. What he is doing is manipulating you and do you really want to spend the rest of your married life under threat of him leaving you because you're having a hard time shaking the baby weight or you've put on a few pounds for any number of other reasons? It's unfair of him to dangle the wedding like it's a treat if you're a good girl and lose weight for him.
Trust me, beauty is in every body type and you deserve someone who gets that and makes you feel like the sexy, beautiful woman that you are.0 -
drop him like a hot rock and kick him to the curb. anyone who loves YOU wouldn't put conditions like that on you.0
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If he's this bad now, how controlling will he get when you're living together? Will he decide what you wear or your hair style? If he really loves you he should be more than happy to marry you, no matter if you're 800lbs or 88.
And I'm not a feminazi, but it's YOUR body and you don't OWE him a 130 pound bride. And I agree with kethry70. He wants to play the victim. You have every right to move on.0 -
How can he make the promise "for better, or for worse" if he can't marry you at your worst?0
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How can he make the promise "for better, or for worse" if he can't marry you at your worst?
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HOLD THE PHONES EVERYONE
Someone just posted this thread and OP needs to see it. It's too perfect.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1228719-need-to-change-lose-to-keep-marry-be-loved-by-spouse0 -
I am sad that you have to even consider this in your mind. This situation with this person will never get any better. This can be analyzed for months and years with "what ifs" .....but you really need to have a talk with yourself ! Love yourself ! I am surprised you have been on the relationship so long ! I am also surprised that you had skin removal surgery after losing only 40 pounds ! Did I read that correctly?0
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Why the hell did he decide, after 5 years, that you need to be smaller in order for your relationship to work? If my boyfriend ever chalked up our relationship to my weight, I would dump him. A lot.0
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just here to echo the consensus.
it reminds me of something on read on someones profile yesterday that made me sad.
under inspirations she had:
- my BF of 11 years says if i lose 50lbs we can get engaged! lol
(yes, the "lol" was part of the text).
that's the carrot at the end of the stick!? winding up with someone who only accepts you when you represent THEIR ideal?!
there are plenty of dudes out there who would be thrilled to be with you however you are.
good luck OP :flowerforyou:0 -
Dump him, Be single, and do what makes YOU happy. You will not be successful if you try to lose the weight for someone else.
Also, he's an *kitten* and doesn't deserve you.0 -
The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.
We're both saying things we'd normally never say tonight.
That's how you know the situation is well and truly screwed up.
Yup. Where are all the crazy people that usually say things like "you need to just kick that bum to the curb and move on"? 'Cause I'd agree with them here . . .
Where are all the Just Break Up chanters? You'd think they'd be all over this like flies on...rice. Finally a thread where the spouse is actually doing some screwed up and yet...only two pages? But when someone's husband is bringing home cookies things blow up.
IKR? Not even one person saying she needs to punch him in the junk.
OP, next time you see this guy, punch him in the junk.*
He doesn't want to get married and is looking for a way out. He's a coward and an *kitten*. Run.
*not someone who normally condones violent junk punches
I just love this so much.0 -
everything that everyone has said is what I would say. it isn't build your freaking ideal woman when it comes to a healthy relationship. you have to do this for you or it is never going to work. losing weight takes a full commitment and is hard work. if your heart isn't in it because you want it then you wont be able to do it. stress causes weight gain too. you have to ask yourself that even if you lose the weight how do you know if he wont start making demands like grow your hair this way, wear this don't wear that. This is sign to me that says run, run now. A marriage needs to be based on friendship and respect for each other. You need to love each other for the person they are and not for the one you hope they could be. Marriage goes way beyond the day of the wedding and the big dress, party etc. It is a working relationship with give and take. He should not be putting any stipulations on the date of your wedding based on a physical attribute. I am sure you would look and feel tons better once you lose the weight. But we are talking one year at the very least. Can you stand to be unhappy for that long? I know I couldn't. I know I wouldn't. IF he gets this one over on you in the very beginning I am worried that I am right. I have seen it too many times when the spouse is that controlling and this is how it starts. Honey you know what to do. Go home. Home is where your heart is. You are so young. WHen you do lose it, it will be easy for you but it cnly comes off one lb at atime. I have a dreaded feeling that if you stay and continue on in your journey with him around you, then it wont be fun at all. Everytime you lose one lb he will be saying things or hinting like it should be more. IT wont be good or fast enough for him. There shouldn't be anyone factored into your weight loss journey. IF they aren't your supporters then you wont want them around. That is what I would tell my neice anyways. Hugs girlie. Sometimes the hardest things to do are the things that you know deep down you just have to do. There are many men out there that love the crap out of some curves. My husband says almost every day to me: are you don't yet? I don't want a skeleton. He likes curvy girls but so does risk of stroke of diabetes so its not what he wants that he is going to get. He loves me no matter what. You deserve someone who wants you now, not later or skinnier.:flowerforyou:
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