Lose weight or no wedding--- is this right?
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Break it off now. And do not take him back when you drop weight.
This will be hard and it will hurt. I am glad to know you are not living together. That will make it a bit easier. But you need to be rid of this guy now. He will not make you happy and you will never really make him happy. He is controlling and manipulative.
I have a sneaking suspicion that 175-180 might be a safety zone for you. Safety from him, I mean. If you got down to HIS GOAL weight, you might actually marry him. Men who only love you when you are thin will leave you when you gain weight. My marriage of 22 years is over for this very reason. Idiot.
You deserve much better than this. He will only hold your weight over your head and with hold love, affection, attention, etc if you do not comply. Do not worry about being "alone" while you are on this journey There's about 10 pages of people on this post who will happily be friends with you. Learning to be happy and content on my own has critical to experiencing joy.
Run!0 -
I'm sorry you are in this situation. It's easy for us to tell you what to do but only you know the details of your relationship and can make the final decision. That said, I'd drop him like a hot potato. A man who refuses to commit to you until you reach his established goal of the right weight for you isn't worth your time. Just my opinion.
If I knew how to bold, I would do that to the words, "Drop him like a hot potato." Because those are the exact words that crossed my mind as I was reading the op. First response said it all for me!
Honey, find yourself a man who feels you are worthy of his love no matter your size! Because you are worth loving and there really are men out there who would never put a condition on their love for you.0 -
Hopefully he is just trying to motivate you or it could be he really doesn't want to get married. The second option would be my guess. Sorry. Someone's weight isn't a determining factor to get married or not in my mind. That's what it sounds like from what I read.0
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Normally I don't comment in relationship threads, or I say to talk to your partner instead of strangers on the internet...
...but man, that's messed up. There's "I love you and want you to be healthy", and then there's whatever this is.
Add me to the list.
If it's like this NOW, how is it going to be when you're pregnant, or when the two of you are going through a rough patch? Nopenopenope. Cut your losses while there's time.
Yep, I totally agree. If he's this controlling now, it'll only get worse if you get married. Like many other people have said, he should want you for you, regardless of your size, and putting it on you to basically change yourself in order to be "worthy" of being married to him is bullcrap.0 -
Ok, this "man" has been in this relationship with you for YEARS, knowing how much you weigh but he doesn't want to marry you until you lose a lot of weight? Makes NO sense. He sounds like a control freak. What will he do if you lose the weight, but after the wedding put on 20lbs? Is he going to divorce you? DROP HIS *kitten* NOW. You deserve someone who accepts you for YOU. Sure, you need to lose some weight, but he's been with you all this time and NOW he wants to say something? If it bothered him so bad, then WHY did he even go out with you in the first place? Yeah, he needs to be GONE. Best wishes to you!0
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He wants to put off the wedding indefinitely. Period. He will keep finding reasons even if you lose the weight.0
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I have never heard a weaker reason to postpone a wedding. He doesn't want to get married, period. It's time for you to move on, sweetie. Best wishes to you! :flowerforyou:0
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Oh my God leave him. Leave him fast and don't look back.0
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So, say you make it to your goal weight and get married...will your entire marriage consist of him monitoring your weight? Imagine him telling you you've had enough pasta, or you can't have ice cream, or asking you if you've exercised today. Is that how you want to live? He needs to find a thin person, and you need to find someone who loves you for YOU.
^^ This. Warning bells are going off in my head. "I won't marry you until you are this arbitrary number on a scale." Really? Really? Either he's a controlling sorry sonofagun or he's dragging his feet. Want to lose more weigh? Lose HIM.0 -
Looks fade over time, you deserve better!
Punch him in the junk and run the other direction.0 -
Run as fast as you can, sweetie. It will only get worse.0
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From not knowing the OP and her situation personally, my answer would be that gut reaction of "NO, it's not right!"
I care more about losing weight for my wedding than my fiancé does and that's what a healthy relationship feels/seems like to me. I wanted the wedding to be this October and then pushed it to May next year because I'm really wanting to enter the marriage as a healthier, happier version of myself & my fiancé still thinks I should have the fall wedding I've always wanted because he doesn't care about my dress size. I'm about 209 pounds right now and want to be 125-130 for my wedding. This is purely about my own insecurities in my body--my fiancé would marry me today in the clothes I'm wearing.
This is someone I've been with for over two years & OP, you've been with yours for about three times as long. He has seen the best and worst of you. He knows your struggles, dreams, triumphs. And yet he is holding a marriage license over your head until you meet a standard he set for you, using your desires and struggles with weight loss against you. There is no room for manipulation in love. It would be one thing if he knew your goal weight and said "we can put off the wedding until you feel you've reached a comfortable weight for YOU, but I love you and I'd marry you as-is right now, so don't think you need to reach a certain number before we can set the date," but he did the exact opposite!
What will he do if you get pregnant? If you get old and sedentary and put some weight on? If you have an accident or need surgery and gain weight in recovery?
Whatever happened to in sickness and in health? Those aren't vows he seems to be willing to make. His vows would be more like "As long as you're always a healthy weight."
With the weight fluctuations during the course of the relationship, I wonder if he's remained completely faithful to you. I wouldn't trust someone so focused on my physical appearance to never stray when he decided I'd gotten "too fat" for him.
For me, this would be the end of the relationship.0 -
I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at one point, and my partner was talking about marriage. He didn't actually propose, but he made it clear that I would need to lose weight for marriage to happen. It escalated quickly into him controlling/wanting to control many other aspects of my life. Ending the relationship was hard, but I am a much, much happier person now and am engaged to a very wonderful man who thinks I am beautiful no matter what I weigh.
The thing that helped me?
I wrote out a list of what was bad in my abusive relationship. Everything. Then I wrote out a list of what was good. There was only one thing on the second list, and even then, it wasn't great. I'd recommend you do so too. Because you are beautiful, even if you aren't 130 pounds. And the man you are going to marry should tell you that on a daily basis.0 -
Emotionally I'm shot, and the extra stress from my relationship is not helping at all. I feel that my plateau is emotional and I'm not sure if I should leave him and move back home or if I should set aside my emotions and just keep trying to lose the weight for the sake of my relationship. Someone please give me some advice... I don't know who to ask anymore!
***An extra foot note: home is Puerto Rico and I live in Florida on my own, my boyfriend does not live with me.***
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Maybe not a good time for you to be making BIG decisions when you are "Emotionally shot." Step back and re-think. Maybe find a counselor to help you manage your feelings, losses and help you make some sound decisions. You're life needs to get straightened out before you add another person to it. Marriage is not to be taken lightly. Maybe your man in your relationship can not deal with all the issues right now either. An honest man will always get a bad rap. It gets very messy if you decide to separate/divorce. VERY messy! Take care of YOU first. A happy you makes a happy life and a happy wife, no matter who your marry.0 -
So, say you make it to your goal weight and get married...will your entire marriage consist of him monitoring your weight? Imagine him telling you you've had enough pasta, or you can't have ice cream, or asking you if you've exercised today. Is that how you want to live? He needs to find a thin person, and you need to find someone who loves you for YOU.
^^ This. Warning bells are going off in my head. "I won't marry you until you are this arbitrary number on a scale." Really? Really? Either he's a controlling sorry sonofagun or he's dragging his feet. Want to lose more weigh? Lose HIM.
This, too. What will happen if you DO reach your goal weight and get married to him? Hint: he'll want to KEEP YOU AT THAT WEIGHT.
Is there going to be a prenup banning you from going over 140 pounds at any point for the rest of your married life, except maybe when he "lets" you get to 150ish for a pregnancy and then gives you a deadline to drop the baby weight?0 -
Girl, you are worth more than a man who doesn't love you for the way you are. Period. If he wants a skinny mini girl who weighs 130, then that's who he should be with. What, is he going to divorce you when you gain weight after reaching that goal and getting married. It just doesn't sound like a good relationship in the first place.
Don't mean to sound judgy or mean. I spent way too much of my life not valuing the person I am or letting myself have the things I deserved. I married a stupid man because I thought "no one else will ever love me" and that was a huge mistake. I figured out that I deserve more than that and divorced him a year later. I am now in a relationship with a new guy who is amazing.
Live your life for you and the right man will come along eventually and walk beside you. Good luck.
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I say the only weight you need to drop is the dead weight. Him.0
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I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at one point, and my partner was talking about marriage. He didn't actually propose, but he made it clear that I would need to lose weight for marriage to happen. It escalated quickly into him controlling/wanting to control many other aspects of my life. Ending the relationship was hard, but I am a much, much happier person now and am engaged to a very wonderful man who thinks I am beautiful no matter what I weigh.
The thing that helped me?
I wrote out a list of what was bad in my abusive relationship. Everything. Then I wrote out a list of what was good. There was only one thing on the second list, and even then, it wasn't great. I'd recommend you do so too. Because you are beautiful, even if you aren't 130 pounds. And the man you are going to marry should tell you that on a daily basis.
Bless you and congrats on your happiness. You are totally right. OP, please do not hang all of your happiness on this man; find the real man that loves you for all of you. Trust me, they exist and they're fabulous. 0 -
Tell him you'll lose the weight for the wedding but that you expect him to grow a couple of extra inches or it's off. And I don't mean in height.
Most succinctly put and best version of the run like hell comments on here. Hope you have enough validation from all of us to see how this is not a good thing.0 -
There is so much to consider here. By what you wrote here, if you were my daughter I would tell you to dump him like a rock in the deep blue sea. Never to be seen again. One thing you have to consider is this his way of truly trying to help you even though the approach is still all wrong. You know your relationship, so be honest with yourself. you know the man he is. You are the one wanting to marry him. Marriage is truly about an unconditional comittment. there is no way of knowing what the future may bring. It truly is for better or worst. Now as for as your wieght gain, I do believe its about something emotional. You need to find a way to figure out what it is and address the issue. Be willing to speak with those who can truly be honest with you and not just tell you what they feel you want to hear. Also maybe speaking with a professional would be good. there is no shame in asking for help. It's you taking control of your life and being responsible to yourself. Best of luck to you and may God bless you and look over you at this time.0
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You've been with the same person since you were seventeen, and he now ahs a problem with your weight and weighing so much to marry him, even though you are engaged? DUMP HIS *kitten*!!!!! You are way to young to have someone starting to control your actions emotionally the way he is doing. He doesn't want to get married or loved you enough to accept you as the way you are. There are many fish in the sea and your only 23, enjoy life!!!!0
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I'm sorry you're being treated in this way and no one deserves this "demand". Once you reach the magic number, I have a feeling there will be some other new demand. Start your weight loss by returning the ring (if there is one) and move on. Not easy, I know, but the added stress to lose like this can hold you back and this most likely isn't a healthy relationship. Decide why YOU want to lose weight and put your energy into that and I have a feeling good things will happen in time. Good luck to you. You are not defined by someone else's opinion of you...but by your own self-worth. Work toward that.0
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Drop him. I am sorry but any man who wants you to change is not worth your time. Sounds like he is more attracted to your looks than anything else and where will you be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years? I am sorry but this guy sounds like a jerk. Maybe you should find a few faults in him and give him the same ultimatum. GRRRRRR.0
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this..get rid of him,fix yourself for YOU,and the right guy will come along,,who knows,it may be someone you already know and they are just waiting for you to get your head on straight and dump the jerk!The dude put a number on your weight as a condition for him to marry you? And you agreed to this? I don't usually say this in relationship threads, but just break up and move on. Fix you for you and then find someone who loves you for being you and you love for being them.0 -
nope nope nope. get out. i can't wait to hear about when you find a newer/better less douchey model.0
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He doesn't want to get married. Cut your losses and move on. When you find the man you are to marry, he will do anything possible to marry you. Look for THAT guy. This one you have has been stringing you along long enough.
^^^^ THIS!! ^^^^0 -
The fact that you came on a forum asking strangers should you leave him tells me you already know what to do, only asking for a confirmation. You should lose your weight/get healthy/change anything about you for yourself in the first place, not to make someone love you. Ultimatums and emotional blackmails are not a good way to begin your until death do us part.
I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do, and remember, think of yourself first. :flowerforyou:0 -
I have a feeling this was already said but I think both of you need to go to a counselor. Then you can get an outside persons opinion who is qualified and has experience in this type of thing. If he outright refuses to do that then I would say cut your losses and get on with your life. No one should make you feel bad about how you feel. He should also not mandate that you be a certain weight before you get married. That is no kind of relationship. What about your future when you get pregnant or anything else? He doesn't seem to respect you or at least that is my opinion for what little you have told. I am not a qualified professional just another female who is offering her opinion. Best of luck!0
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He doesn't want to get married. Cut your losses and move on. When you find the man you are to marry, he will do anything possible to marry you. Look for THAT guy. This one you have has been stringing you along long enough.
^^^^ THIS!! ^^^^
Yep, that's my take. If you get to that weight he will come up with another excuse. He doesn't want to get married and doesn't have the balls to just say so.0 -
If someone truly loved you, they wouldn't insist you have to lose weight before they marry you.0
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