A Letter, Add Yours!

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  • Meriller
    Meriller Posts: 55 Member
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    Long, perhaps, but LADIES - WELL WORTH THE READ!!!
    I can't take credit, it's not my letter - My name is Jill - but Wendi, well written!

    'Dear Mr. Thatcher,

    I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years
    and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core
    or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa
    dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in
    tight, white shorts.
    But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
    Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize ho w crucial it is
    that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel
    each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
    Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
    the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is
    starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
    surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust
    and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call 'an inbred
    hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

    As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt
    seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers
    monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the
    bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
    swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's
    a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my fri end Jennifer
    fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George
    Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was
    written by drunken chimps. Crazy!

    The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
    crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the
    reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so
    painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened
    an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these
    words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

    Are you {Friggin'} kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny
    middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing
    happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned
    above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless
    you're some kind of sick S&am p;M freak girl, there will never be anything
    'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and
    Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the
    local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your
    life in a blaze of glory.

    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
    a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
    something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
    'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

    Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
    immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen
    to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss
    your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
    bull ****. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

    Best,
    Wendi Aarons
    Austin , TX'

    Words enclosed in { } have been changed so not to offend anyone (you catch the drift) :laugh:
  • pam0206
    pam0206 Posts: 700 Member
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    OH MY GOSH! I'm with you Wendi. I'm gearing up. Wow the rollercoaster is soooooooo much fun. Always up or down, but rarely smooth sailing (hormonally speaking.)

    Your sister in solidarity,
    Pam
  • Sherona
    Sherona Posts: 55 Member
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    Dear Big Leather Recliner,

    I am so jealous of the power you have over my husband! For years you have made him so comfortable that no matter what time of day he sits with you, he will instantly fall asleep. The power you have over him and my unwillingness to share him anymore is a getting to be real problem!

    Please BLR, understand that I have dishes, laundry, children and meals to deal with, please do me a favor and if you see him falling asleep, can you give him a little tickle - (or full on electrical shock!)?

    You are a very nice Recliner and I would hate to see you go, but I am done sharing him with you, I need him back before I lose my sanity. Its either you or me, there is not room in this house for both us!

    The Wife


    FUNNY AS HELL!
  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
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    Dear Vendor,

    Thank you for the long, slow, rambling message. Repeating the same thing 5X really helps my poor little brain understand what you're saying.

    I also really appreciate how you suddenly become a auctioneer when you give your phone number at the very end forcing me to listen to your drivel a second time. :explode:

    I'll be sure to return your call sometime in June. :bigsmile:

    You're a creep,

    Shannon
  • GTOgirl1969
    GTOgirl1969 Posts: 2,527 Member
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    Dear newspaper delivery person,

    Next time I wake up at 5 am to the sound of a newspaper hitting my front window (which I have already replaced once because of your bad aim:grumble: ) I'm going to come out and kick your a*s. Why can't you leave it at the end of the driveway like you do to every other house on the block?

    Signed,

    A sleep-deprived mom
  • uwhuskygirl
    uwhuskygirl Posts: 320
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    Dear Co-worker,

    You DO NOT need to walk over to me EVERY time you send me an e-mail to see if i received it. I F'ING GOT YOUR E-MAIL. NO, I didn't read it yet because you F'ING sent it 2 SECONDS AGO! Why don't you go back to your desk and just wait for my response. I WILL respond to it in a timely manner.

    AURG!!!! :mad:

    Your annoyed co-worker

    Wow, that was pretty therapeutic
  • fatsis
    fatsis Posts: 1,117 Member
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    Dear Hollywood and the Modeling Industry,

    Thank you for showing that the only sexy woman are a size 0-3. I so appreciate how you
    make a stick woman with no leg shape or butt with after narket boobs sexy.

    Thank you for making my beautiful wife, who is not a size 5, feel inadequate with her weight no matter
    how much I tell her. Thank you for showing her that the weight gained from 13 years of infertlity procedures means nothing eventhough I see the beauty behind it. She gained in love for kids not for you.

    Thank you instead of smiling faces they are now in need of therapy and support groups. Thank you for creating all the eating disorders. Thank you for creating a health industry that sells millions of devices to help us lose weight but in the end is just a clothes hanger. Thank you for depressing us more so that we eat more. Thank you for all the sex lives you have ruined because we feel inferior to your standards therefore a lowered sex drive.
  • Shannon023
    Shannon023 Posts: 14,529 Member
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    Dear Hollywood and the Modeling Industry,

    Thank you for showing that the only sexy woman are a size 0-3. I so appreciate how you
    make a stick woman with no leg shape or butt with after narket boobs sexy.

    Thank you for making my beautiful wife, who is not a size 5, feel inadequate with her weight no matter
    how much I tell her. Thank you for showing her that the weight gained from 13 years of infertlity procedures means nothing eventhough I see the beauty behind it. She gained in love for kids not for you.

    Thank you instead of smiling faces they are now in need of therapy and support groups. Thank you for creating all the eating disorders. Thank you for creating a health industry that sells millions of devices to help us lose weight but in the end is just a clothes hanger. Thank you for depressing us more so that we eat more. Thank you for all the sex lives you have ruined because we feel inferior to your standards therefore a lowered sex drive.

    Awww...:heart:

    Your wife is a lucky woman. :smooched:
  • tracypaprocki
    tracypaprocki Posts: 49
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    Dear Mom,
    I am sure phones work when they are dialed out of Florida so don't complain you don't hear from me enough. When I do have an hour to kill and decide to call I would like to talk about something more than your health. I talk about peoples health all day and at least then I get paid. You can call me on my Birthday you had me. Stop with the quilt trips already if you really wanted to know your grandchildren you could have visited more than once in 17 years. Now if you want to talk I will be waiting for the phone to ring.
  • chriss1tt
    chriss1tt Posts: 365 Member
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    Dear MFPERS,

    Thanks for all the laughs. I do think I droped 5 pounds reading this today. Had to change my drawers also but sooooo worth it. Thanks Thanks Thanks.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • melathon
    melathon Posts: 246 Member
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    Dear Manboobs,
    ( . ) ( . )

    What in the hell are you doing on my male body. I swear I have never taken estrogen.
    And for gods sake make up your mind when I am jogging up or down not both ways constantly.

    Thank you for protruding outwardly for all my coworkers to notice. Thank you for earning me the nickname "boobs." The freaking least you could do is help me bench press more weight.

    Thank you manboobs for forcing me to wear a shirt when brushing my teeth. I swear if I brushed my teeth shirtless one time I was going to have to tuck dollar bills in my shorts.

    Manboobs, the only good thing I can say good about you is, with out you I would be shaped like a freaking bowling pin.

    I am not even go start with you "Big Butt," because if I did it would never....END. ( I )

    This. Is. SO. FUNNY. :laugh:
    Thank you, fatsis, for posting this.
    I hope the Manboobs go away. :flowerforyou:
  • wanderinglight
    wanderinglight Posts: 1,519 Member
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    Dear Booty Call,

    I initiated this little endeavour, and unless you get with the program, we are going to have to terminate our arrangement. Please don't make me do that. Seriously buddy, the sex is the best I've ever had! Can't you tell? I'm pretty vocal and appreciative in bed. I'm your biggest fan under the sheets and under the stars. We've got a good thing going here -- let's just ride the wave as long as we can.

    And, while we are at it, thank you for coming along at exactly the right time after a breakup to help me transition from sad to sultry sex kitten. You have done wonders for my self-esteem, my skin is glowing, and the aerobic sex is great for my exercise diary.

    So here's the thing. Despite what most guys think, it's not easy for a girl to walk out the door and find someone to have great sex with, and I'm not about to audition a bunch of people to find someone as good as you. I promised you I wouldn't sleep with anyone else, and I won't! But I want to reserve the right to date other people and I don't want to have to lie about this. Can't we initiate a don't ask/ don't tell policy?

    Every time I have plans, you ask me who they are with. And then you get mad and jealous. I've been nothing but up front with you since Day 1! I don't want a boyfriend, I want to have nice, dirty, safe-sex fun...I want to have dinner with other guys but my orgasms with you. Seriously, there is not a chance in Victoria's Secret Hell that you will find another deal as good as this one, so STOP messing it up!

    Your Skittish Sex Kitten
  • PrincessLaundry
    PrincessLaundry Posts: 2,758 Member
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    Dear Mom,

    The funky magic ball on your head in your myfitnesspal website looks ridiculous. All your funky home made costumes embarrass me...:wink:

    But I now appreciate how funny you are because without your goofy sense of humor, I wouldn't be the funny nut case I am, and my kids would grow up with no sense of humor. I love it! :laugh:

    Love,

    Your daughter who thinks you are wayyyy to silly and I love you for it!

    P.S. Just making sure you are reading these! LOL :love:
  • fatsis
    fatsis Posts: 1,117 Member
    Options
    Dear Booty Call,

    I initiated this little endeavour, and unless you get with the program, we are going to have to terminate our arrangement. Please don't make me do that. Seriously buddy, the sex is the best I've ever had! Can't you tell? I'm pretty vocal and appreciative in bed. I'm your biggest fan under the sheets and under the stars. We've got a good thing going here -- let's just ride the wave as long as we can.

    And, while we are at it, thank you for coming along at exactly the right time after a breakup to help me transition from sad to sultry sex kitten. You have done wonders for my self-esteem, my skin is glowing, and the aerobic sex is great for my exercise diary.

    So here's the thing. Despite what most guys think, it's not easy for a girl to walk out the door and find someone to have great sex with, and I'm not about to audition a bunch of people to find someone as good as you. I promised you I wouldn't sleep with anyone else, and I won't! But I want to reserve the right to date other people and I don't want to have to lie about this. Can't we initiate a don't ask/ don't tell policy?

    Every time I have plans, you ask me who they are with. And then you get mad and jealous. I've been nothing but up front with you since Day 1! I don't want a boyfriend, I want to have nice, dirty, safe-sex fun...I want to have dinner with other guys but my orgasms with you. Seriously, there is not a chance in Victoria's Secret Hell that you will find another deal as good as this one, so STOP messing it up!

    Your Skittish Sex Kitten

    This post reminds me of a question I had. Why doesn't the exercise calories burned have information for
    SEX. And could we break it down in quarters of a minute....um for the other people.
  • sindyb9
    sindyb9 Posts: 1,248 Member
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    For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap
    a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
    something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or
    'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?


    :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
  • 3bearsmom
    3bearsmom Posts: 34
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    Dear overhang,
    I know you came because of the 3 c-sections I had, but you have overstayed your welcome. Perhaps you think I should think of you as a badge of honor, and in some ways I suppose you are, but I am sick to death of looking in the mirror sideways, naked and seeing your nastiness. If you don't leave by the time I get rid of the 40 pounds I AM GOING to send packing, I am going to see about getting rid of you via a surgeon. I never though I'd see the day I'd consider a tummy tuck but your making me MAD!!!
    hatefully yours-c-section mom
  • jenbar
    jenbar Posts: 1,038 Member
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    Dear Big Stomach,
    You've been with me for so long that I really don't know how to say this to you. But, I'm sorry, but we are really going to have to part. I know you've helped me with holding my children while I was cooking them, and used as a "nice mushy pillow" for them to now rest their heads on. But I think I no longer need you. At least the vastness of you. My kids can use an actual pillow, and I'm done with having kids, so I'm really going to have to get you to the smallest you've ever been. Don't be sad, I'll still be here, as so will you, but we will not be seeing so much of each other. I'll instead will be looking down and enjoying my feet.
    I'm sorry.

    Dear Feet,
    Don't worry, I'm coming! It may take me awhile, but wait for me! Soon we will see each other again. In a few months, when the time is right, look up, and I will be there, staring down at you!
    (p.s., I'm sorry that there has been a ledge in between us, but he will soon be gone and it will just be me and you!)
  • Mireille
    Mireille Posts: 5,134 Member
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    this free therapy is awesome ....


    to the parents of the kids i do child care for,
    I KNOW i have told you this before my hours are from 7:30 to 5:30, please do not call me up at 5:25 and tell me your gonna be late because you want to stop at the bank and the grocery store.... believe it or not I might have things to do too!!! Do not send your kids to my house if they have a fever and ask if i will watch them while they stay home from school because they are sick.... you think i want to be sick??? Please stop nickle and dimeing me when it comes time to pay me.... If you are gonna complain about the snacks i serve because only one of your 2 kids is on a sugar free diet(which is crazy to begin with) then send your own damn snacks with her because i cant afford to serve 2 seperate snacks a day. If you are gonna buy me something from the dollar store for christmas i would prefer you just buy me nothing, that glass flower is just tacky. And can you stop saying to me "wow with four daycare kids you must just rake the money in" are you fricken kidding me? hello as*holes i have to feed them and you only pay me 10$ a day for before and after school x2 kids do the math stupid.....

    j~

    quote]/



    I'm so with you sister. I run into the same damn problem. This is not a flee market, so don't haggle us to try to lower our prices!!!

    Dear kids I babysit,
    Please do not complain every single day about the snacks I serve after school. You are not at home and you are certainly not at a restaurant. You will eat what I made or you can wait until you get home. Do not refuse to eat what I have made because you are bored of it. If you are that hungry, you will eat it.
    To my non-picky eaters, your parents pay me to provide a snack after school and not a full meal. My snacks are generous and more than enough to fill your belly.

    Thank you.

    Dear parents,
    When it is pay week, I would appreciate you paying me on the schedule pay day. I do not think it is funny when you laugh and say how forgetful you can be. If you continue to pay me three days late, I will call your employer and ask them to hold your pay 3 days and see if you like it.
    When you are child is sick, you must pay me anyway. We had made an agreement before starting that you continue to pay whether or not your child comes to my home. If you did not agree with my policy, then you should have found another child care provider.
    Also, your child is with me for 11 hours everyday at the low cost of $35 a day. Please do not expect me to teach your child to read and write by the age of 2. I provide a loving, safe and fun environment. If you want something more for your child, then buck up, spend the money and send them to Montessori school.

    Thank you.
  • sgtinvincible
    sgtinvincible Posts: 2,559
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    Dear Booty Call,

    I initiated this little endeavour, and unless you get with the program, we are going to have to terminate our arrangement. Please don't make me do that. Seriously buddy, the sex is the best I've ever had! Can't you tell? I'm pretty vocal and appreciative in bed. I'm your biggest fan under the sheets and under the stars. We've got a good thing going here -- let's just ride the wave as long as we can.

    And, while we are at it, thank you for coming along at exactly the right time after a breakup to help me transition from sad to sultry sex kitten. You have done wonders for my self-esteem, my skin is glowing, and the aerobic sex is great for my exercise diary.

    So here's the thing. Despite what most guys think, it's not easy for a girl to walk out the door and find someone to have great sex with, and I'm not about to audition a bunch of people to find someone as good as you. I promised you I wouldn't sleep with anyone else, and I won't! But I want to reserve the right to date other people and I don't want to have to lie about this. Can't we initiate a don't ask/ don't tell policy?

    Every time I have plans, you ask me who they are with. And then you get mad and jealous. I've been nothing but up front with you since Day 1! I don't want a boyfriend, I want to have nice, dirty, safe-sex fun...I want to have dinner with other guys but my orgasms with you. Seriously, there is not a chance in Victoria's Secret Hell that you will find another deal as good as this one, so STOP messing it up!

    Your Skittish Sex Kitten

    :love: :noway: For the love of GOD, where were you in my early 20's!?!?:noway: :love:

    I pretty much put people like this in the category of 'fanciful myths'. You know, like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and Christopher Walken. Wow, well you got my attention. (Haha, imagine that, huh?)
  • GemFB
    GemFB Posts: 104 Member
    Options
    Dear Booty Call,

    I initiated this little endeavour, and unless you get with the program, we are going to have to terminate our arrangement. Please don't make me do that. Seriously buddy, the sex is the best I've ever had! Can't you tell? I'm pretty vocal and appreciative in bed. I'm your biggest fan under the sheets and under the stars. We've got a good thing going here -- let's just ride the wave as long as we can.

    And, while we are at it, thank you for coming along at exactly the right time after a breakup to help me transition from sad to sultry sex kitten. You have done wonders for my self-esteem, my skin is glowing, and the aerobic sex is great for my exercise diary.

    So here's the thing. Despite what most guys think, it's not easy for a girl to walk out the door and find someone to have great sex with, and I'm not about to audition a bunch of people to find someone as good as you. I promised you I wouldn't sleep with anyone else, and I won't! But I want to reserve the right to date other people and I don't want to have to lie about this. Can't we initiate a don't ask/ don't tell policy?

    Every time I have plans, you ask me who they are with. And then you get mad and jealous. I've been nothing but up front with you since Day 1! I don't want a boyfriend, I want to have nice, dirty, safe-sex fun...I want to have dinner with other guys but my orgasms with you. Seriously, there is not a chance in Victoria's Secret Hell that you will find another deal as good as this one, so STOP messing it up!

    Your Skittish Sex Kitten

    This post reminds me of a question I had. Why doesn't the exercise calories burned have information for
    SEX. And could we break it down in quarters of a minute....um for the other people.

    Mine has the sex calories. I added it a few weeks ago... But...

    http://www.rd.com/advice-and-know-how/activity-and-exercise-calorie-calculator/article12680.html
    (Pick the sexual activity one on the scrtoll list)

    or...

    http://www.healthstatus.com/calculate/cbc

    :happy:

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