what is it with my wife?!
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how old is your baby ?
11 months0 -
We don't have kids, but my husband and I each have chores that we do. My husband does yard work, cleans the bathrooms, takes out the garbage, and does the dishes after I cook dinner. I do the grocery shopping, I cook, clean the floors, dust, and do the dishes anytime other than after dinner. We each do our own laundry. Most importantly, we do NOT nag each other about doing chores. If it's been a while since the bathroom's been cleaned, I either clean it myself or say nothing. If it's been a while since I've dusted, he either does it himself or keeps his mouth shut. It took us a long time to get to that point but it's one of the best things we've done and it's stopped a lot of the pointless bickering we used to do. I'd suggest dividing the labor in a way you both agree with, and then NOT nagging each other! If you know ahead of time what chores you're supposed to do, you can plan for them and still have time with your daughter. Good luck.
ETA: We both have full-time jobs, although I'm a teacher so I'm off during the summer and I pitch in more in the summer too.0 -
lol, I love the title of this thread. I absolutely see your point, but I do agree that this argument may not go well. Maybe wheird's designated cleaning time would work.
So far it seems like the most logical of the options provided, also @mamaomefo's suggestion too.
I'm going to see if I can work both of them into one plan and see how that goes... It's probably all in the approach...and I suck at soft approaches.
Sorry man, it isnt exactly an equal distribution of labor and responsibility, but the designated cleaning time may be the only way of making her think that you are both meeting halfway.
It's all good wheird, even if it's not "equal" I just don't want to being the guy busting my butt at work for our income, then doing 80% of the housework on top of it all.
I have seenthis argument many times before on different forums, usually with the SAHM crowd arguing that their job is 24/7/365 and the hardest job in the world, which I personally feel is vastly overstated.0 -
Yeah, hire a housekeeper. Arguing about who does what is a waste of time, seriously invest in a housekeeper and you can thank me for saving your marriage later
That's not an affordable option right now, otherwise we would have done that already...but thank you for the tip.
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Well this is certainly not fun or a game. Either create a chore chart you can both stick to, hire some help or get ye to a marriage counsellor. There is no magic formula. It's trial and error. My impending marriage was very much on the rocks simply because of domestic concerns. This sucks, but is fixable!0 -
I agree with this. My house would be SPOTLESS if I could stay home. I have the opposite problem. Hubs and I both work 8 hours a day yet he seems to think the majority of housework/childcare is My job (cause I'm a woman?). He doesn't say that exactly, but doesn't do much either. When he does the dishes (rarely) He says "I did the dishes for you" Really? For me? ThanksOkay, I'll probably get some feedback on this but I say, she's a stay at home mom. That's her job. Take care of the kids and clean. I'm not saying she should do ALL of the housework. You live there too so you should contribute. But I think she needs to do the majority since she stays home. Just my opinion. I've always worked outside of the home so maybe I haven't walked in her shoes.0 -
She's possibly just bored. Cleaning every day is hardly thrill inducing. People who are in at home all the time can easily get into a rut. Throw in day time tv & its game over.
Adding - what's her social circle like now? Does she have other SAHM's she socialises with?0 -
What specifically is she asking you to take on in addition to kitchen duty?0
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Whatever you do don't let resentment build. Discuss it with her. Give her the dignity and respect she deserves. A stay at home moms job is completely different than a 9-5 job but its still a job. Like any job its harder for some people than others for a lot of different reasons. When you discuss it with her try to see it from her perspective. I have an adult daughter now but When she was young I bought her a little vacuum and a little mop and we actually had a blast doing housework. Your wife may seem happy but maybe its her way of coping with her new life of being a housewife. Lets be honest if you knew what was going on in her head you would know why she is doing this and why you still thinks she is really happy. Sit down and discuss it with her. She is the mother of your children and she deserves it and so do you.0
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So what does she do during nap time?0
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Being a stay-at-home mom is 24/7/365. Been there, done that. HOWEVER - part of my 24/7/365 job was keeping house. It just makes sense. Was my house spotless? No. I needed to prioritize time with my children. But there was also plenty of time to get house cleaning done to an acceptable level. Then the weekends were a team effort to do a little deeper cleaning as needed.
Being a stay-at-home mom is hard - but housekeeping is part of that job. I had a much better time after I found www.flylady.net The general belief is that you can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes. I basically started by setting the timer for 15 minutes and cleaning the kitchen - when the timer went off - I stopped even if it wasn't done. I then spent time playing with the baby, etc. A little later, another 15 minutes. Then during nap time I would power through chores for half of that time - and then the other half of that time was for me.0 -
I am a stay at home mom with a part time job. I have 3 kids, one goes to school but I take care of a 4 month old and 3 year old during the day. I feed them and make 4 meals for myself throughout the morning/afternoon and prep cook my food so i can stay on track .I also find 30 minutes to workout then clean most of our house, then I go to work until 5-5:30 and get back to make dinner.. I understand about wanting free time -but- you both have to compromise.. she cannot expect you to do all of the housework just like I cannot expect my husband to do all of it. I get what I can done, then he takes care of the remainder..it is a team effort, divide and conquer. Having kids and a job is about learning to juggle while keeping your sanity
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I would just talk to her...0
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Being a stay-at-home mom is 24/7/365. Been there, done that. HOWEVER - part of my 24/7/365 job was keeping house. It just makes sense. Was my house spotless? No. I needed to prioritize time with my children. But there was also plenty of time to get house cleaning done to an acceptable level. Then the weekends were a team effort to do a little deeper cleaning as needed.
Being a stay-at-home mom is hard - but housekeeping is part of that job. I had a much better time after I found www.flylady.net The general belief is that you can do ANYTHING for 15 minutes. I basically started by setting the timer for 15 minutes and cleaning the kitchen - when the timer went off - I stopped even if it wasn't done. I then spent time playing with the baby, etc. A little later, another 15 minutes. Then during nap time I would power through chores for half of that time - and then the other half of that time was for me.
I love fly lady!0 -
Just tell her to clean the house or get a job. Plain and simple.
This. And from a hot chick. Awesome.0 -
Threaten to cut her off if she doesn't do more (it always worked on me) :laugh:0
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I was a SAHM for many years. I always had dinner ready and the house clean (but I am a neat freak). That was part of my job. However...he always did do things like taking out the trash, cleaning up dinner dishes some nights, etc. You two need to meet in the middle and find our what works for both of you.0
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I'm with you I guess...she's a "stay at home" mom. I have kids of my own and work full time, however, if my husband was working 10-12 hours a day I don't feel that chores should land on him (yes maybe bigger things most women can't do on their own) but she's at home with an 11 month old that takes naps while you provide for your family and are working with her staying at home to raise your daughter...I know ALOT of people who have 3-4 kids working full time and can manage to clean the house...its not that hard.0
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I went from a 9-5 to a stay at home mom of 1. I did most the house cleaning and cooking...except yard and laundry (I hate laundry). I always made sure there was a home cooked meal at least 5 days a week for my husband. I knew how exhausting it was to work all day then come home to chores. You say she only worked part time before the kid? If so, why?
Maybe your wife was so used to you doing everything before, that it hasn't occured to her to shoulder a bit more, being that she's the stay at home person.0 -
to be fair this is a job for DR Phil0
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Get a set
and have an adult conversation with your partner and tell her how you feel. Unless of course, she rules the roost.0 -
Try maybe talking to her... Seems like a radical idea I know.0
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I have seenthis argument many times before on different forums, usually with the SAHM crowd arguing that their job is 24/7/365 and the hardest job in the world, which I personally feel is vastly overstated.
They're lying (or grossly over-estimating the amount of work they really do). I'm a SAHM with three boys (2 are on the Autism spectrum). I will honestly admit I can get away with 3 solid hours daily (well, spread out) of sitting on my behind doing nothing (or, ahem, working out, cause that's ma thang now, lol). The other 8 hours are spent playing with kids, cooking, running errands, and -gasp- cleaning my house. There are more than enough hours during "9-5" to get my own chores done.
Husband busts his *kitten* to give us a home and nice things in the same time frame. If he doesn't get his work finished in an 8-hour shift, HE is the one to stay and complete it. I would NEVER dare to insist my husband complete MY daily work because I'm "off the clock." That's ridiculous.
But then, I've been called a misogynistic anti-feminist June Cleaver for my views. So, take this with a grain of salt, I guess.0 -
our daughter also naps right after lunch until around 4-4:30pm every day. She's got 4 hours where she can basically do light chores and stuff without causing a ruckus.
Yeah but she doesn't "get off work" at any real point in time and I'm not convinced she does nothing for those few hours anyway. I say work with her a bit and also learn to let stuff go until the baby gets older.0 -
"Honey lets sit down and see what we both can do to get the housework done more efficiently that maximizes both of our time."
Present it as something you BOTH need to do.
Maybe it's a reallocation of duties. Maybe you do the laundry and she does the dishes (whatever...)
Are there certain chores you can trade off with her?0 -
When my kids were still small and I was still a SAHM I spent most of naptime catching up on sleep and not cleaning (my kids were up once every two hours for three years). When I DID have time to get the housework done it was very helpful to me to know what hubby's priorities were. In our case, he'd happily ignore a giant pile of laundry (that my mobile kids would just unfold before I'd made a dent anyway) but he'd get really stressed out if there were dishes in the kitchen sink when he arrived home. So I started with his biggest pet peeves and would work down the list until life interrupted. Maybe you could let her know what your biggest prioirities are so that she'll know where to begin. Likewise she could do the same for you. Sometimes it's easy to look at a mess and feel so overwhelmed you don't even know where to start, but if she had a list of "bathrooms, then mopping, then laundry, THEN trash" or whatever that might help a little?0
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I'm a SAHM of three, and am responsible for all the inside chores plus 98% of the kid stuff. My husband takes on mowing the lawn (almost always) and making sure the trash gets to the curb (he's awful at this though - can never remember trash days). He's also our only income.
The nicest thing my husband does for me when I fall behind on housework is start it for me. I can see the stuff pile up. I can't always get myself motivated to dive in. So if he runs the dishwasher, I'll come along and wash the pots, wipe the counters, sweep, and mop. If he has the kids pick up the living room, I vacuum and dust. Sometimes I just need a little momentum.
We've been married for almost a dozen years. The division of labor has never been and will never be equal. Ever. Some days I work harder than he does, and some days he works harder than I do. He has more days off, and I have more flexible time. We don't fight about it because we don't try and assume we know what the other person has dealt with all day long.0 -
ughhh....hate how some feel they are so entitled just because they sprogged out a child. You are sacrificing so she can have the time to stay home and be able to afford to do it. The least she could do is step up and clean a bit more. I have had this issue with my guy...I make a lot more money and get more days off than he does, but I also work a 60hr/ 6 day work week as apposed to his 5 day week, go in and come home when you feel like it job. My job is also much more stressful than his. I do my share but also expect him to do his. No one should be stuck with everything! Sadly I have known too many women who are looking to be kept and will birth as many kids as it takes with whoever it takes to get that.0
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Surely you talked about this before she had the baby and became a stay at home mum?
It's hard to know what's going on here. I mean, does she sit on the lounge watching TV while she expects you to dust and vacuum, or is she cooking dinner and asks you to help with the washing up?
A little bit of communication now will help with many problems down the track.
Also, my girlfriends and I agree that a man who helps around the house is many many times more likely to get more action in the bedroom. So get that apron on and you will reap the rewards!!0 -
I'm a SAHM of three, and am responsible for all the inside chores plus 98% of the kid stuff. My husband takes on mowing the lawn (almost always) and making sure the trash gets to the curb (he's awful at this though - can never remember trash days). He's also our only income.
The nicest thing my husband does for me when I fall behind on housework is start it for me. I can see the stuff pile up. I can't always get myself motivated to dive in. So if he runs the dishwasher, I'll come along and wash the pots, wipe the counters, sweep, and mop. If he has the kids pick up the living room, I vacuum and dust. Sometimes I just need a little momentum.
We've been married for almost a dozen years. The division of labor has never been and will never be equal. Ever. Some days I work harder than he does, and some days he works harder than I do. He has more days off, and I have more flexible time. We don't fight about it because we don't try and assume we know what the other person has dealt with all day long.
This right here. :flowerforyou:0
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