Failing Marriage

SerenaFisher

22 years is a long time, it's a long time to be unhappy. It sounds like your issues have been going on for a long time, perhaps he has learned how much of a jerk he was but honestly by the sounds of it he hasn't learned a thing. Given his reaction and excess drinking I would say get away and continue counseling. I will not say divorce is your only option because in all honesty I am not you, I do not know how much you two mean or care for each other, and I do not know the situation with your son. I do know however that you admitted yourself you feel better and more confident with out him. Perhaps time apart to work on "you" and him working on "him" and then "dating" (I know it's silly) you both can get perspective on if it's truly going to work. Either way I would continue seeing the counselor.

hbrittingham

Marriage isn't easy. It's even harder when you have been with that one person since you were a teenager. The changes a person goes through between 16 and 38 are HUGE. And that's where the work comes in. If you just live in the status quo during that time and neither of you evolve, then you are still emotionally 16 years old. The patterns in how you are going to interact are set and familiar, and changing them is really hard work. If you want this to work, then he needs to continue his counseling, you need to continue your counseling and you both need to go to counseling together. Learn how to break the old patterns and create new ones. You don't have to want to make this work, that's totally up to you, but if you do, then you both will have to put the effort into it and not let things continue they way they have been.

I've been married for 22 years, together 24 years to my best friend. He would NEVER lay a hand on me, and I would NEVER lay a hand on him. We've had our ups and downs, first at the beginning of our relationship, where he tried to fight the way he'd always fought with his girlfriend, dirty and nasty (he was 30 when we met). I told him I didn't fight that way, and if that's how he wanted it, he needed to find someone else because I wasn't going to do it (I was 24 at the time). Then life came along and time flew by. We had some major obstacles to overcome, but eventually we did. At the 20 year mark, I was ready to throw in the towel. Those obstacles had been overcome, but neither of us dealt with them, we just swept them under the rug and finally the resentments had built. We snapped at each other constantly and looked forward to when we could spend time apart from each other. We didn't really like each other and were just roommates, not partners anymore.

We got counseling and worked through the issues. We re-learned to communicate. We stopped falling into the same pattern of behavior. We showed love AND respect to each other. Now we are best friends again and love to spend as much time together as we can. We had a huge history together and we both wanted a future together. Now we have that.

Whatever you do isn't right or wrong. You have to do what makes you happy and only you can figure out what that is. Good luck!

Hell_Flower

Marriage isn't easy. It's even harder when you have been with that one person since you were a teenager. The changes a person goes through between 16 and 38 are HUGE. And that's where the work comes in. If you just live in the status quo during that time and neither of you evolve, then you are still emotionally 16 years old. The patterns in how you are going to interact are set and familiar, and changing them is really hard work. If you want this to work, then he needs to continue his counseling, you need to continue your counseling and you both need to go to counseling together. Learn how to break the old patterns and create new ones. You don't have to want to make this work, that's totally up to you, but if you do, then you both will have to put the effort into it and not let things continue they way they have been.

I've been married for 22 years, together 24 years to my best friend. He would NEVER lay a hand on me, and I would NEVER lay a hand on him. We've had our ups and downs, first at the beginning of our relationship, where he tried to fight the way he'd always fought with his girlfriend, dirty and nasty (he was 30 when we met). I told him I didn't fight that way, and if that's how he wanted it, he needed to find someone else because I wasn't going to do it (I was 24 at the time). Then life came along and time flew by. We had some major obstacles to overcome, but eventually we did. At the 20 year mark, I was ready to throw in the towel. Those obstacles had been overcome, but neither of us dealt with them, we just swept them under the rug and finally the resentments had built. We snapped at each other constantly and looked forward to when we could spend time apart from each other. We didn't really like each other and were just roommates, not partners anymore.

We got counseling and worked through the issues. We re-learned to communicate. We stopped falling into the same pattern of behavior. We showed love AND respect to each other. Now we are best friends again and love to spend as much time together as we can. We had a huge history together and we both wanted a future together. Now we have that.

Whatever you do isn't right or wrong. You have to do what makes you happy and only you can figure out what that is. Good luck!

I really hope my marriage is as successful as yours! We're working on it.

louisekerry86

Honestly I can't speak from experience in regards to marriage because I'm 24 and have never been married. I can only speak from the experience of being a child whose parents split when I was 13 and it being one of the best things ever to happen. My dad wasn't violent 99% of the time, but he was emotionally abusive to my mum for years, and eventually she kicked him out (after I at 13 said if she didn't I wanted to go and live with my Nan) and now, 11 years later she is with the most wonderful man who I consider as much my dad as my real one, if not more so. She's more relaxed and headstrong and I am so proud of her. My dad is an alcoholic, I don't have too much to do with him now, we talk on FB every so often but I'm nowhere near as close to him as I am to my mum and stepdad now.

So, for your son's sake, get out. If you're staying in it for him, don't, he'd much rather his mum be happy and free. What child wouldn't want that? Good luck xx

SwashBlogger

You do not need permission from anyone to move on. Once you get over the hump, you will feel most excellent. Do not rush into any other relationships, and continue the counseling after he's gone. Girl power!

hbrittingham

Marriage isn't easy. It's even harder when you have been with that one person since you were a teenager. The changes a person goes through between 16 and 38 are HUGE. And that's where the work comes in. If you just live in the status quo during that time and neither of you evolve, then you are still emotionally 16 years old. The patterns in how you are going to interact are set and familiar, and changing them is really hard work. If you want this to work, then he needs to continue his counseling, you need to continue your counseling and you both need to go to counseling together. Learn how to break the old patterns and create new ones. You don't have to want to make this work, that's totally up to you, but if you do, then you both will have to put the effort into it and not let things continue they way they have been.

I've been married for 22 years, together 24 years to my best friend. He would NEVER lay a hand on me, and I would NEVER lay a hand on him. We've had our ups and downs, first at the beginning of our relationship, where he tried to fight the way he'd always fought with his girlfriend, dirty and nasty (he was 30 when we met). I told him I didn't fight that way, and if that's how he wanted it, he needed to find someone else because I wasn't going to do it (I was 24 at the time). Then life came along and time flew by. We had some major obstacles to overcome, but eventually we did. At the 20 year mark, I was ready to throw in the towel. Those obstacles had been overcome, but neither of us dealt with them, we just swept them under the rug and finally the resentments had built. We snapped at each other constantly and looked forward to when we could spend time apart from each other. We didn't really like each other and were just roommates, not partners anymore.

We got counseling and worked through the issues. We re-learned to communicate. We stopped falling into the same pattern of behavior. We showed love AND respect to each other. Now we are best friends again and love to spend as much time together as we can. We had a huge history together and we both wanted a future together. Now we have that.

Whatever you do isn't right or wrong. You have to do what makes you happy and only you can figure out what that is. Good luck!

I really hope my marriage is as successful as yours! We're working on it.

I hope so, too. It wasn't easy and there were some very dark days, but once we made it through those, our life together became happier than it ever had been. Good luck!