Dating someone 22 years older?

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Replies

  • Sharon_C
    Sharon_C Posts: 2,132 Member
    I have a 20 year old daughter and I would have some serious doubts and questions if she brought someone home my age. The thing is, like someone else said, you still have a lot of life to experience and a lot of growing to do. He's done it and been there.

    So I'll say to you what I would say to her.

    What does a 20 year old bring to the table in a relationship like that? Aside from the obvious. What is he getting out of this (again, aside from the obvious)? I love my daughter dearly, but she's not on the same emotional and philosophical plane as I am so I can't imagine how you can "connect" on all those levels with someone who is an entirely different generation than you.

    What happens when you're 40 and he's 62 and getting ready to retire?

    On the other hand, I don't know you and I don't know him so I can't make a good guess on this. But my gut reaction is hell no.
  • Spicysausage2
    Spicysausage2 Posts: 24
    Usually when you "fall in love" with someone you don't think about it like you would think about buying a house or a car
  • aurorareigns
    aurorareigns Posts: 167
    Usually when you "fall in love" with someone you don't think about it like you would think about buying a house or a car

    Are you only supposed to date people you fall in love with? (this is not sarcasm, I'm really wondering)
  • MyChocolateDiet
    MyChocolateDiet Posts: 22,281 Member
    I just NOTICED! I have a kid around your age and even I haven't had to sleep with 42 yr old yet, why should you?

    Gender equality level eleventy!!! Sexual revolution FTW!!

    #nocougar
  • rayfu75
    rayfu75 Posts: 209 Member
    #1 I'm 38 and there's only one reason I would "date" someone 20 years old.

    #2 As a father to a 15 year old daughter I wouldn't approve of her at your age "dating" someone 22 years older because of my #1 statement.
  • the__great__beyond
    the__great__beyond Posts: 55
    Honestly, do what you like. Keep expectations low. Make sure your reasons are healthy and the dynamic respectful and equitable. Forget the naysayers.
  • the__great__beyond
    the__great__beyond Posts: 55
    Also, that is good advice for ANY relationship.
  • horsewhisper91
    horsewhisper91 Posts: 456 Member
    You're the only one who can make that final decision on this topic. It does not matter what others say about the relationship. Your opinion over your life is all that matters, not others. They can't live it for you.
    My sister, when she was about your age was about to marry someone who was 20 yrs older than her. Sad story over why it did not work out. But she loved him and my family accepted that.
  • Spicysausage2
    Spicysausage2 Posts: 24
    Usually when you "fall in love" with someone you don't think about it like you would think about buying a house or a car

    Are you only supposed to date people you fall in love with? (this is not sarcasm, I'm really wondering)

    Sure date all you want but you have to ask yourself "what's the point"?
  • arnostbilej
    arnostbilej Posts: 56
    I know I'm an adult and I shouldn't care what the public thinks. I was honestly just asking since I don't have parents to ask and I didn't know who else to ask.

    I guess the question should have been more like 'if you had a 20 year old daughter would you approve of her dating a 42yo'

    I'd be tempted to take him hunting

    This, and without telling anyone about it.
  • nopotofgold
    nopotofgold Posts: 164 Member
    When I was 22 I dated someone who was 38. He was literally 2 years younger than my mom.

    We definitely had a lot of fun together in lots of ways, but in the long run, he had LOADS of baggage (although he had no kids or ex-wife). We just weren't on the same page and were never going to be.

    The biggest thing is -- you're still growing up and he's grown. That's where the difference lies. You change the most between the ages of 18-24 (at least I did and many of my peers did).

    If he has no kids or wife at 38, I think that screams problem.
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    If you feel like there is something to be worrying about, remember that there are tons of guys your age and at your level to be dating. I know some people that dated much older men when they were young and they felt sad when they got older that the guy kind of stole their youth. They were with him, instead of having fun the way a 20 year old should.

    Okay that is a really good point. This is prob the best advice I've heard all night. Really makes me consider because I could be spending time with kids my age on campus or with him

    You guys make some great substitute parents *thumbs up*

    Glad that we can help! :flowerforyou:
  • nopotofgold
    nopotofgold Posts: 164 Member
    Usually when you "fall in love" with someone you don't think about it like you would think about buying a house or a car

    Are you only supposed to date people you fall in love with? (this is not sarcasm, I'm really wondering)

    Sure date all you want but you have to ask yourself "what's the point"?
    So if you only date someone you already fell in love with. How do you get to that point with out being in a serious one on one relationship?
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Also, the fact that you don't have parents to turn to tells me you may be more vulnerable to this guy in a way that isn't really good for a dating relationship.
  • the__great__beyond
    the__great__beyond Posts: 55
    Also, the fact that you don't have parents to turn to tells me you may be more vulnerable to this guy in a way that isn't really good for a dating relationship.

    Thanks, Dr. Phil

    JK
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Also, the fact that you don't have parents to turn to tells me you may be more vulnerable to this guy in a way that isn't really good for a dating relationship.

    Thanks, Dr. Phil

    JK

    :laugh:

    I was young once
  • arnostbilej
    arnostbilej Posts: 56
    When I was 22 I dated someone who was 38. He was literally 2 years younger than my mom.

    We definitely had a lot of fun together in lots of ways, but in the long run, he had LOADS of baggage (although he had no kids or ex-wife). We just weren't on the same page and were never going to be.

    The biggest thing is -- you're still growing up and he's grown. That's where the difference lies. You change the most between the ages of 18-24 (at least I did and many of my peers did).

    If he has no kids or wife at 38, I think that screams problem.

    Wait, why does that scream problem? There could be a lot of reasons why someone in their late 30's/early 40's has never been married or had kids. I personally would prefer a partner without baggage.
  • skinnymini2552
    skinnymini2552 Posts: 37
    Haha nooooo way...but then again it's all about personal preference isn't it? I'm 20 and honestly wouldn't think of dating someone past 35, and even that's a little too old for me I think. However circumstances change and maybe age really doesn't end up mattering at all :)
  • the__great__beyond
    the__great__beyond Posts: 55
    Also, the fact that you don't have parents to turn to tells me you may be more vulnerable to this guy in a way that isn't really good for a dating relationship.

    Thanks, Dr. Phil

    JK

    :laugh:

    I was young once

    you look like you're still waiting for puberty ;p
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
    Also, the fact that you don't have parents to turn to tells me you may be more vulnerable to this guy in a way that isn't really good for a dating relationship.

    Thanks, Dr. Phil

    JK

    :laugh:

    I was young once

    you look like you're still waiting for puberty ;p

    Uuum, I like looking young, but not that young!!

    Also, I am thinking we have had this conversation before.
  • NaughtyNurse89
    NaughtyNurse89 Posts: 3 Member
    My dad (50) is marrying his gf of four years (27) in 12 days. They're fantastic together. It all just depends on the couple. If two people work together, age doesn't really matter.
  • jstavix
    jstavix Posts: 407 Member
    When I was 20, I dated and eventually married, someone older than me, flash forward to when I was in my 30's and wanting to live life, he was a stick in the mud who only wanted to watch t.v and we grew apart. He became an old man within a few years of being together. We were never on the same page and he just gave up trying after a while. Seriously think about what the future will hold with someone who is that much older than you.

    I have a 20 year old daughter and if she brought home a man that old I would probably kick his *kitten*........

    Just saying
  • writergeek313
    writergeek313 Posts: 390 Member
    The biggest thing is -- you're still growing up and he's grown. That's where the difference lies. You change the most between the ages of 18-24 (at least I did and many of my peers did).

    This is what I was going to bring up. My boyfriend is 15 years older than I am and we've been together for about two and a half years. We have a lot of shared interests and value a lot of the same things, and most of the time our age difference isn't really an issue. But I think of how much I've grown and changed since I was in my early 20s (I'm 35 now). I just don't think I could have handled being with someone with so much more life experience at that age.

    Everybody is different, and there's no one right answer here, but the fact that you're worrying what other people think makes me wonder if on some level you're doubting the relationship yourself. On the one hand, I want to tell you not to worry what other people thing, because I wasted too much time doing that when I was younger, but on the other hand, maybe those around you are seeing something you're not. It's a tough call.
  • ashesfromfire
    ashesfromfire Posts: 867 Member
    I know I already replied but I have a couple things to add. My dad lives my boyfriend (16 years my senior) even jokes that he's "too good for me". My step mom thinks he's extremely polite and well mannered. They both approve.

    And, on the topic of my dad and stepmother, they have a 22 year age difference between them, they've been together many years now, final married a couple years ago. They are the most in love couple I know. They work together excellently.
  • TheNoLeafClover
    TheNoLeafClover Posts: 335 Member
    My advice? Listen to your instincts. Your apprehension and your request for advice tells me this might not be a healthy choice for you. I believe consenting adults should be free to make their own choices and that age does not necessarily determine maturity. At the same time, people go through a lot of changes in their twenties. Your brain is still developing, and I think it's important to factor that into your decision. It took me ending an unhealthy online relationship with a man 20+ years older than me to realize I still had a lot of growing to do.

    While I don't think relationships with large age gaps are inherently unhealthy, I do think the difference in brain development increase that risk. If his language or behavior ever raises any red flags, do not ignore them. Whatever decision you make, think it through carefully. Good luck, OP.
  • aurorareigns
    aurorareigns Posts: 167
    My advice? Listen to your instincts. Your apprehension and your request for advice tells me this might not be a healthy choice for you. I believe consenting adults should be free to make their own choices and that age does not necessarily determine maturity. At the same time, people go through a lot of changes in their twenties. Your brain is still developing, and I think it's important to factor that into your decision. It took me ending an unhealthy online relationship with a man 20+ years older than me to realize I still had a lot of growing to do.

    While I don't think relationships with large age gaps are inherently unhealthy, I do think the difference in brain development increase that risk. If his language or behavior ever raises any red flags, do not ignore them. Whatever decision you make, think it through carefully. Good luck, OP.

    You're right. I think the fact that I'm still worried about whether or not I should date him after some time, most likely means that I shouldn't. At least right now.

    Thank you everyone for your advice.
  • cakebatter07
    cakebatter07 Posts: 814 Member
    Well how much money does he make?
  • loribethrice
    loribethrice Posts: 620 Member
    I've been with a man 19 years older than me for over 5 years. We've never had issues and we're very happy.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
    You do what you want. I personally wouldn't just because I wouldn't feel I had as much in common with a completely different generation. l love that my husband and I get each others pop culture references. We can reminisce about the same/similar things. We have a shared context.

    My in-laws, on the other had, are almost 20 years apart. They don't really share many interests. They roll their eyes at each others stories. Not sure why they are together since they have nothing in common and seem bored and irritated by one another. There is a constant power struggle.

    That's just my opinion, though. I'm sure inter-generational relationships work out just fine for lots of people.
  • RECowgill
    RECowgill Posts: 881 Member
    I think its cool. We should all be so lucky as to find someone that we like and are actually attracted to regardless of age or other particulars. And I'm a dad with 2 little girls, I realize one of them might make this decision for themselves one day (or something even more terrifying to us dads). As long as he's not a creep, I wouldn't have a problem with it. But you have to be careful, just make sure its the right decision for you.

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