Rudeness of a total stranger!
Replies
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I am sure that you felt embarrassed. People have said a lot to me over the years about my eating habits, never once has anyone ever offered to work out with me.
I never really thought about how I looked like to the outside world as I overate, but I recall the lengths I went to make sure I couldn't be seen while I ate.
The reality of the matter is anytime we eat people are going to think we are overeating if it's not salad.
Anyway, he could have had good intentions maybe he had a relative die of obesity.0 -
What is wrong with people on MFP who seem to think that being overweight gives strangers the okay to make assumptions and comments on another person's body?? It doesn't matter if the OP is "sensitive" or not. What this man did was inappropriate - PERIOD.
It doesn't matter if the stranger was once overweight or thinks he can make a difference in the obesity epidemic. He does NOT know the OP, he does NOT know whether or not she has any medical issues that have resulted in her being overweight, he does NOT know if this is currently her highest weight or if she's losing weight or if she goes to the gym. He just sees her BODY. And no one's body, no matter how large, small, abled, etc., gives a perfect stranger license to approach that person to make comments about his or her body.
This is the best post here. Rule for life: Not your body? Not your *expletive* business!0 -
A lot of people consider themselves to have a food addiction. Whether they do or not, I think it's safe to say that people generally over eat and gain weight due to emotional issues, right? I know I do. I basically engage in self destructive behaviour to cover up a emotional problems.
I did the same with cigarettes years ago. I believe that alcoholics and junkies do the same with alcohol and drugs. The underlying cause in all these cases is emotional.
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
So, why would reaching out to someone who over eats not be perceived in the same way? It's still a self-destructive habit, with emotional reasons at it's core, is it not? What's the difference.
I know that, in this case, the OP has already made changes and that, yes, it was wrong of this guy to make the assumption that she hadn't. But, speaking generally, why is OK to reach out to people with engaging in one type of self destructive behaviour and not another?0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
Not in Merrica.... Thank goodness I live in Merrica.0 -
https://nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/advice/planning/jobprofiles/Pages/substancemisuseoutreachworker.aspx
Part of the job involves:
- building relationships with community organisations such as tenants' groups
- giving talks to increase understanding and gain support
- going with police patrols around pubs and clubs
- helping with needle exchange services
- running workshops in schools and youth centres.0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.
First of all, not everyone who is obese has a food addiction.
Second of all, again, I would just love someone who thinks this is ok to answer my question:
IF this was a visible personal care issue BESIDES obesity (say, acne), would this still be acceptable to you?0 -
IMO, this person has balls ! How RUDE..... he doesn't know you, he doesn't have the right to speak to you about something personal and I think it's wrong!
Sorry you had to deal with this and keep on keeping on - you are doing GREAT....slow and steady wins the race, remember!0 -
OK. So seeing someone smoking on the street you know that person is a smoker. And I guess if someone is snorting cocaine or shooting up in public (is this happening??) you know that person is a drug addict. But how do you know someone (who you have never seen before) is an alcoholic?It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.
And, seriously, not knowing anything about a person, you approach her in front of her colleagues at the mall and offer to take her to the gym.
This is rude. It is not OK. And if I were a smoker and some stranger approached me to tell me to quit or offer to help, I would tell that person to bugger off. Smokers know smoking is bad. If they want to quit, they will reach out for that help if they need it. Leave people alone.0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.
First of all, not everyone who is obese has a food addiction.
Second of all, again, I would just love someone who thinks this is ok to answer my question:
IF this was a visible personal care issue BESIDES obesity (say, acne), would this still be acceptable to you?
That's why I said an underlying emotional issue, not just a food addiction. I don't think anyone overeats just because they can. IME, there is always an underlying issue.
I'm not sure what you mean by your question. Do you mean to say that, if someone was approached purely because they had acne, and were offered help for treating said acne, would that be OK? Is that your question?0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.
First of all, not everyone who is obese has a food addiction.
Second of all, again, I would just love someone who thinks this is ok to answer my question:
IF this was a visible personal care issue BESIDES obesity (say, acne), would this still be acceptable to you?
That's why I said an underlying emotional issue, not just a food addiction. I don't think anyone overeats just because they can. IME, there is always an underlying issue.
I'm not sure what you mean by your question. Do you mean to say that, if someone was approached purely because they had acne, and were offered help for treating said acne, would that be OK? Is that your question?
Obesity is a personal care issue. It's a very personal and very sensitive topic.
Acne is also a personal care issue. It, too, is a very personal and sensitive topic.
If it's ok to walk up to a stranger and discuss their obesity, do you also think it's ok to dicuss their acne? Or, is it only ok for obesity?0 -
This guy did point to her and shout "fatty!".......and in front of her friends.
If he had at least spoken to her when she was alone, it would have been a bit presumptous, but at least well meaning.
This approach was totally "holier than thou".0 -
OK. So seeing someone smoking on the street you know that person is a smoker. And I guess if someone is snorting cocaine or shooting up in public (is this happening??) you know that person is a drug addict. But how do you know someone (who you have never seen before) is an alcoholic?It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.
And, seriously, not knowing anything about a person, you approach her in front of her colleagues at the mall and offer to take her to the gym.
This is rude. It is not OK. And if I were a smoker and some stranger approached me to tell me to quit or offer to help, I would tell that person to bugger off. Smokers know smoking is bad. If they want to quit, they will reach out for that help if they need it. Leave people alone.
Yes people take drugs in public. Some try to be subtle about it, others less so. Have you never seen this? In major cities, on a Friday and Saturday night, it can sometimes be hard to miss.
Granted, some alcoholics are harder to spot than others. The ones stumbling around town, in filthy clothes, at 8am on a Monday morning are usually easy to spot though.
I've already agreed that what he did was rude. He made assumptions about her. He shouldn't have. He humiliated her in front of her workmates, and that's not on.
But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the more general principle behind wanting to offer someone help. Why it's deemed as OK for one problem, and not another?
I was approached by someone on the street as a smoker. I wasn't offended. I didn't think it was rude. Smoking was slowly killing me. I found some help and support that day, and quit soon after.
Just because you are offended by something, doesn't mean I will be, or vice versa. I'm playing devil's advocate here.0 -
And lets not equate smoking with being fat.
Being a smoker is not really embarrassing, many consider it 'cool'.
Telling someone that they're fat is NOT cool.....0 -
That's why I said an underlying emotional issue, not just a food addiction. I don't think anyone overeats just because they can. IME, there is always an underlying issue.
I have never been obese. But the first time I got fat it was because 1.) My metabolism slowed down due to age and 2.) Food tastes good. Period.
I didn't have an addiction. I didn't even eat large amounts of food. I just ate high-calorie food because it tasted good and I had never had to watch what I ate before. I educated myself and lost the weight.
Round two is because of a thyroid issue. I barely eat 1,500 calories most days and I exercise regularly and I've gained 10 pounds since February (on top of the weight I gained the four years leading up to that while my idiot doctors ignored me). All the dieting and exercising in the world isn't helping. Some random person off the street doesn't know that and it's none of that person's business. This guy knew nothing about this woman. He was rude. There is no way around it. Stop trying to justify people's rude behavior.0 -
My initial reaction: F%*K THAT GUY.0
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But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the more general principle behind wanting to offer someone help. Why it's deemed as OK for one problem, and not another?
I don't think it's OK in any of those cases, honestly. But when one is in immediate danger (stumbling around on the street drunk), taking action is different than just seeing someone sitting at the mall and being overweight. STRANGERS HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING THIS.
It's one thing to talk to someone you love and know about these things and quite another as a stranger to approach a person. It isn't OK. Stop it.0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.
First of all, not everyone who is obese has a food addiction.
Second of all, again, I would just love someone who thinks this is ok to answer my question:
IF this was a visible personal care issue BESIDES obesity (say, acne), would this still be acceptable to you?
That's why I said an underlying emotional issue, not just a food addiction. I don't think anyone overeats just because they can. IME, there is always an underlying issue.
I'm not sure what you mean by your question. Do you mean to say that, if someone was approached purely because they had acne, and were offered help for treating said acne, would that be OK? Is that your question?
Obesity is a personal care issue. It's a very personal and very sensitive topic.
Acne is also a personal care issue. It, too, is a very personal and sensitive topic.
If it's ok to walk up to a stranger and discuss their obesity, do you also think it's ok to dicuss their acne? Or, is it only ok for obesity?
I don't think that the two are comparable, because I don't think that obesity is ONLY a personal care issue. I think it is far more than that, and that emotions play a much bigger role in it than you seem to do.
FWIW, I don't think it's OK to walk up to a complete stranger and discuss their obesity. Especially not in front of friends, and in such an inappropriate setting. If she was in the gym, and struggling to use the machines etc, I could understand the offer of help. He also made a lot of assumptions. With smoking, you can easily tell if someone is a smoker and that they obviously haven't quit. You can't easily tell if someone is addressing their weight or not.0 -
But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the more general principle behind wanting to offer someone help. Why it's deemed as OK for one problem, and not another?
I don't think it's OK in any of those cases, honestly. But when one is in immediate danger (stumbling around on the street drunk), taking action is different than just seeing someone sitting at the mall and being overweight. STRANGERS HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING THIS.
It's one thing to talk to someone you love and know about these things and quite another as a stranger to approach a person. It isn't OK. Stop it.
Stop what? I haven't approached anyone about their weight. I'm just voicing a different angle to the issue, that's all.
We don't all have to agree on everything.0 -
But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the more general principle behind wanting to offer someone help. Why it's deemed as OK for one problem, and not another?
I don't think it's OK in any of those cases, honestly. But when one is in immediate danger (stumbling around on the street drunk), taking action is different than just seeing someone sitting at the mall and being overweight. STRANGERS HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING THIS.
It's one thing to talk to someone you love and know about these things and quite another as a stranger to approach a person. It isn't OK. Stop it.
Exactly, it's not ok in ANY situation. And that's why no one is answering my question. Because they know it's wrong to go up to someone and call them out on a personal care issue...
For whatever reason, it seems people think that this rule (manners, if you will) don't apply when it comes to obesity. I wonder why that is...0 -
It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
Complete strangers in food courts approach smokers, alcoholics and junkies who are just sitting there eating lunch and offer to help them?
Where is this happening?
It certainly happens in my town, in the UK. Obviously this doesn't tend to happen in a food court, as you can't smoke in such places in the UK, but it does happen in public places. And in all other towns I've lived in. I imagine it must happen everywhere.
No smoking campaigns have seen scores of people out on the street approaching passing smokers, and offering them help to quit. And there are plenty of outreach programmes for alcoholics and junkies that have people reaching out to strangers to try and help them.
First of all, not everyone who is obese has a food addiction.
Second of all, again, I would just love someone who thinks this is ok to answer my question:
IF this was a visible personal care issue BESIDES obesity (say, acne), would this still be acceptable to you?
That's why I said an underlying emotional issue, not just a food addiction. I don't think anyone overeats just because they can. IME, there is always an underlying issue.
I'm not sure what you mean by your question. Do you mean to say that, if someone was approached purely because they had acne, and were offered help for treating said acne, would that be OK? Is that your question?
Obesity is a personal care issue. It's a very personal and very sensitive topic.
Acne is also a personal care issue. It, too, is a very personal and sensitive topic.
If it's ok to walk up to a stranger and discuss their obesity, do you also think it's ok to dicuss their acne? Or, is it only ok for obesity?
I don't think that the two are comparable, because I don't think that obesity is ONLY a personal care issue. I think it is far more than that, and that emotions play a much bigger role in it than you seem to do.
FWIW, I don't think it's OK to walk up to a complete stranger and discuss their obesity. Especially not in front of friends, and in such an inappropriate setting. If she was in the gym, and struggling to use the machines etc, I could understand the offer of help. He also made a lot of assumptions. With smoking, you can easily tell if someone is a smoker and that they obviously haven't quit. You can't easily tell if someone is addressing their weight or not.
They are absolutely comparable. They are both embarrassing personal care issues that are visible. And, the fact that you recognize that obesity has an extreme emotional component to it makes it EVEN WORSE that a stranger would confront it in public.0 -
OP, I haven't read through it all, but use that total *kitten* to motivate you beyond belief!! You need to choose the path and rate that you can stick to for a long term change, and good for you to be making it!! 8kg is still 8kg lighter than you were! Keep it up!!!0
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But you're defending the action.But that is not what I am talking about. I am talking about the more general principle behind wanting to offer someone help. Why it's deemed as OK for one problem, and not another?
I don't think it's OK in any of those cases, honestly. But when one is in immediate danger (stumbling around on the street drunk), taking action is different than just seeing someone sitting at the mall and being overweight. STRANGERS HAVE NO BUSINESS DOING THIS.
It's one thing to talk to someone you love and know about these things and quite another as a stranger to approach a person. It isn't OK. Stop it.
Stop what? I haven't approached anyone about their weight. I'm just voicing a different angle to the issue, that's all.
We don't all have to agree on everything.
Your different angle doesn't make it OK. What you describe for the drugs, drinking, smoking -- not OK.0 -
That's why I said an underlying emotional issue, not just a food addiction. I don't think anyone overeats just because they can. IME, there is always an underlying issue.
I have never been obese. But the first time I got fat it was because 1.) My metabolism slowed down due to age and 2.) Food tastes good. Period.
I didn't have an addiction. I didn't even eat large amounts of food. I just ate high-calorie food because it tasted good and I had never had to watch what I ate before. I educated myself and lost the weight.
Round two is because of a thyroid issue. I barely eat 1,500 calories most days and I exercise regularly and I've gained 10 pounds since February (on top of the weight I gained the four years leading up to that while my idiot doctors ignored me). All the dieting and exercising in the world isn't helping. Some random person off the street doesn't know that and it's none of that person's business. This guy knew nothing about this woman. He was rude. There is no way around it. Stop trying to justify people's rude behavior.
The problem is...as we are finding out here in this thread...many people do not see it as "rude". The call it..."brutal honesty". Somehow they think it is their right to say what ever comes to their mind with no regard to someone elses feelings.
If someone asks me for my opinion then I will be honest with them. However I try to use a little tact. You don't have to be "brutal" to be honest.
I think that the term "brutally honest" is just another way of saying "a-hole"...0 -
I would have been mortified. And if I was a friend at your table, I would have been mortified for you. Sorry, but no matter how well meaning, it was out of line. It would be different if they were close friends and were talking in private. A complete stranger? That's weird, and socially unacceptable.0
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You don't worry about that idiot!! You're doing awesome, and you know it, and that is what matters. One day at a time - and you can do it!! Please friend me if you'd like - I can use all the encouragement I can get.0
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It's socially acceptable to reach out to smokers, alcoholics and junkies to try and help them to kick the habit and improve their lives. In fact, it's actively commended the majority of the time. It isn't always welcomed by those with the addiciton, but that is not usually seen as a reason not to reach out.
You do NOT want to try that in Texas!
And some random man in a food court cannot possibly know if a total stranger has "a food addiction."
This is the same problem I have with religious proselytizing. Don't presume that you know better- because chances are, you don't.0 -
This person doesn't know her situation and she has been losing weight. He maybe had a weight issue in the past and thought he could help her but you never approach a complete stranger (woman) and make a comment like that !
I agree this was rude and he was out of lined to approach her.0 -
I'm flabbergasted about how many people think this is OK behavior.That's why I said an underlying emotional issue, not just a food addiction. I don't think anyone overeats just because they can. IME, there is always an underlying issue.
I have never been obese. But the first time I got fat it was because 1.) My metabolism slowed down due to age and 2.) Food tastes good. Period.
I didn't have an addiction. I didn't even eat large amounts of food. I just ate high-calorie food because it tasted good and I had never had to watch what I ate before. I educated myself and lost the weight.
Round two is because of a thyroid issue. I barely eat 1,500 calories most days and I exercise regularly and I've gained 10 pounds since February (on top of the weight I gained the four years leading up to that while my idiot doctors ignored me). All the dieting and exercising in the world isn't helping. Some random person off the street doesn't know that and it's none of that person's business. This guy knew nothing about this woman. He was rude. There is no way around it. Stop trying to justify people's rude behavior.
The problem is...as we are finding out here in this thread...many people do not see it as "rude". The call it..."brutal honesty". Somehow they think it is their right to say what ever comes to their mind with no regard to someone elses feelings.
If someone asks me for my opinion then I will be honest with them. However I try to use a little tact. You don't have to be "brutal" to be honest.
I think that the term "brutally honest" is just another way of saying "a-hole"...
And of course if someone asks my opinion, I'll be honest. But really, unless I see imminent danger, I don't even do this to close friends. People know they're overweight. They know what to do about it. It is their choice, not mine. If an overweight friend expresses an interest in exercise or asks me for tips on dieting, I am more than happy to invite that person on a walk and offer my knowledge on dealing with a sweet tooth.
But until the person reaches out, I leave it alone. I do nag my fiance a bit about smoking, but he has also expressed interest in quitting. Or if the behavior (alcoholism, drug abuse, whatever) is in someone close enough to me that it affects my own quality of life, I will say something. NEVER, EVER to a stranger.0
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