BOYFRIEND HELP!!!!! THINKS ABOUT HIS EX

Escloflowne · September 2014

yopeeps025 · September 2014

Yeah but never say never.

funchords · September 2014

Here are some safe assumptions:

1. You remind him of his ex. He picked her. He picked you. You are likely to have attributes in common.

2. He left her. He picked you. You are likely to have some of her strengths, and you are likely to have some of your own strengths where she had weaknesses.

3. You are both human and will have mistakes, incompatibilities, and mixed up feelings. If you're both mature, you can work through these or overlook at least some of these.

4. He will always think of his ex. He was with her for 7 years. They covered a lot of ground together, their relationship went through things that your relationship hasn't started to go through yet.

So, my advice... calm down. Don't be a perfectionist. Don't be over-dramatic. This is real life, not a reality show.

What you've done is made it so that he can't even talk to you about his ex. He can't talk to you about what he liked about her. He can't tell you what struggles they had together. Do you see the damage you have caused to the open communication in your own relationship by your flipping out?

I talk about my spouse's ex, as it is the source of some insecurity for my spouse -- stuff that gets reflected back on me. I talk about my exes., because one of them is the mother of my two children and the grandmother of my four grandchildren. The other one and I broke some new ground politically and we had some great adventures.

You can't ask him to erase 7 years of his life.

Asherah29 · September 2014

We should be friends! Ha!

Gordon_L · September 2014

You should first be thankful that your boyfriend is honest. Secondly, it's totally normal that he thinks of her if they were together for 7 years and she was his first real love. Eventually his memories will fade and he will seldom have any thoughts of her at all.

Should you find him masturbating with and 8x10 glossy of her in front of him - THEN you have cause for concern. I know that sounds silly - but I'm trying to make a point. Don't lose someone that you seem to care about as much as you do for something as harmless as a thought.

Romyarts2014 · September 2014

I sat with him today and apologized for acting so fierce when he came to talk to me. I told him I want to be able to talk to me and after over reacting I dont want him to not think he can come to me. I put myself in his shoes. I told him I understand, that there will always be something there.

Yes living with each other after 2 months is fast and we arent offically living together we just havent left each others side since. we met each others family and friends. It just feels good and right.
So am I moving to fast maybe... but Ive had alot of douche boyfriends, and now i finally have the guy that treats my like a queen . I enjoy making him happy. and if we are happy together isint that what counts?

RonnieLodge · September 2014

If you don't want to get heartbroken then don't fall in love would be the simplest answer. :huh:

But you might want to rethink whether or not YOU are in the mindset to be in a relationship. To really love someone else, you really do have to love yourself first and freaking out because you are not the only person they think about sounds terribly insecure.

2 months in, you living together, you are so in "love", spending every day together and at the first hint of something you don't like you are packing bags? :noway:

Of course he thinks about someone he spent 7 years with.

He says he doesn't love her. He says he loves you. I suggest you believe him.

If you can't stay with a man who thinks about his ex, you are limiting your dating pool to men who have never, ever, ever dated anyone before you.

But if you think there is a chance you really want to marry this guy, I would suggest moving out but keep dating until he puts a ring on your finger.

That way you both can have the space to think about what you want, work on any issues you have and you can feel sure that he wants to be with you because of you, not because you are a rebound.

Weeelll, to start off with, yes - being happy together does count.

But 5years, 10 years down the line, being able to stay & support each other when times are tough (sickness, stress, boredom set in) is what really counts. Having separate interests is also very important.

My partner does photography as a hobby and still takes photographs of many women - some of whom are his exes - naked on a regular basis.

I happily invite them to our home because I trust him, I know it makes them feel wonderful and it is a harmless hobby. :laugh:

tquill · September 2014

Sounds like an immature relationship to me... not leaving eachother's side, expecting to be treated like a queen, "packing things up" after the first fight, ect...

Best of luck.

hortensehildegarde · September 2014

If you are happy together with the actual long term sustainable reality of what you each are then sure. If you are happy with an idealized version of either of you that you are not going to keep up for the rest of your life, then not so much.

I had an ex of 7 years and another of slightly shorter duration. Not only do I think about them, I love them both dearly, speak to them often and they are 2 of my best friends. I wouldn't want them out of my life, I obviously was with them for reasons we just weren't compatible in that way so now we are friends instead. My husband isn't jealous in the least and it would really bother me if he was.

I think it's a little normal to cherish people that you shared such a huge chunk of your time with and not a big deal at all, and just thinking of someone is way less invovled.

asciident · September 2014

There are a bunch of red flags that people have already discussed, but I'm just putting another voice out there that it's totally normal to think about your exes sometimes, especially if it's a recent break up. I still once in a while think about my old boyfriends. I don't think of them in a romantic or sexual way anymore; I no longer have those feelings about them. But they were people who were once important in my life, so I wonder how they're doing, etc. It's pretty normal. I'm happily married, btw. Wouldn't be offended/upset if my husband said he still thought about his exes unless he explicitly said he thought of them romantically/sexually still.

yopeeps025 · September 2014

Interesting

rml_16 · September 2014

She said he treats her like a queen, not that she expects it. She also said she enjoys making him happy.

And I think it's pretty normal in a brand-new relationship to spend a lot of time together. It's called the honeymoon phase. I don't read anything in this post that makes me think there's anything wrong. Getting so angry about him thinking about his ex is a bit much, but she got over it, apologized and if she learns from it then what's the big deal?

OP, only you know for sure if things are moving too fast and maybe they will continue on this path or maybe you will find in the end you aren't meant to be. Time will tell. If you're happy, it's your life. As i said earlier, I moved very fast in my relationship. We had a lot of rough patches, but nine years later we're together and better than ever. I have known people who got married weeks after meeting and have been married for decades and are happy. Every relationship is different.

Phildog47 · September 2014

SLOW DOWN... you're young enough to not rush into things. Give him some space, some time. I did the same thing 25 years ago after my ex gf and I broke up, and ruined a few first dates. It wasn't until I found the love of my life that I let go.

UsedToBeHusky · September 2014

OP, all I am saying is this. You don't want to be so attached and emotionally dependent on this man this early in your relationship because it evolves from a functioning relationship into codependency rather easily. You should never feel threatened by the thought of another woman, and if you do feel threatened, then I fear that you are slipping into the relationship death-trap of codependency. You might love each other very much, but if it gets to the point that one of you needs the other more than the first one, then one of you is likely to feel smothered or burdened by the relationship.

Moving fast is fine. Just be sure that both of you are on the same page and comfortable and secure in this relationship. Your OP did not sound like you felt very secure, and that is my only concern.

JojoW8183 · September 2014

People have their own ideas of what's "appropriate" when it comes to relationships. Personally I say...go with whatever works for you. My husband and I were long distance FRIENDS. When we decided to date, we still lived in 4000 miles apart. He moved in with me about a month after we started dating, since he had to cross an ocean. We eloped a month later. We had a little beach wedding a year later. We are best friends, partners, lovers. We didn't care about what's right, too fast, too slow. If it works for the couple, then go for it. All of the rules placed on relationships now a days were decided on by a bunch of people that don't have relationships (priests and stuff)!!! Do what feels right for you.

However, definitely work through your insecurities and jealousy issues, that's a relationship killer regardless of its speed.

TrainingToBePerfect · September 2014

Ohhhhh god...

So they were in a relationship for 7 years, not 7 days.. You have been together for 2 months.

.......................................

Love is a Strong Strong word.. Clearly I don't believe that after 2 months you love each other that much. You guys are just starting to understand what you guys like. I mean I've been with my Fiance for 7 years almost and I still learn new things about him everyday. A relationship takes plenty of time. I'm not saying HE ISN"T in love with you. But I mean people are going to wonder. Maybe he still wonders somethings but why shouldn't he, people may disagree, but I guess 7 years hold plently of memories and maybe somethings bring him back.. Not meaning he would ever leave you but for sure hes going to have thoughts.

Spnneil06 · September 2014

We all think about our ex's. I find it good that he felt comfortable expressing his feelings to you about his past. You guys have been together for a short period of time and are still in the honeymoon stage. He say's he loves you, believe him. Don't let jealousy ruin something that probably doesn't even matter!

JeriAnne84 · September 2014

I agree with this 1000%. You do what feels right for YOU, not for what everyone on here tells you is right. My boyfriend and I met, talked for a week, went on two dates, I became his "offical" girlfriend and 2 weeks later he moved in with me. So I knew him about a month before we lived together and we have been together ever since. You guys do what feels right for your relationship now. I'm glad you apologized to him. Jealousy and insecurities will destroy your relationship so work on that, especially if you have a good guy now. I've been through the dating the douche bag parade and it's an amazing feeling when you finally find someone that treats you with respect and loves you and isn't a dumbass.

theatregirl83 · September 2014

I was with a man (ha) who was exactly the same as your bf. He told me the same thing about his ex gf, she's apparantly treated him like bull crap - but I didnt pack my things because I loved him and he said he cared for me as well.

He ended up getting me pregnant and then walked away from me (read: dumped me) when I needed him most - I ended up having a termination.

I say get the **** out of this.
I was single for 2 years after all that happened and then I met my current partner who has given me all the support and love I need.

jasonmh630 · September 2014

That's the thing, though. Every relationship starts out that way... and even after two months, you're still in the beginning stage of the relationship. That stage where you're trying to be all romantic and trying to impress the other one. It takes much longer to know without a shadow of a doubt that he will keep being that guy for you. A fully trusting and loving relationship takes much longer to develop. That's just my view on it, so take that with a grain of salt lol.

BOYFRIEND HELP!!!!! THINKS ABOUT HIS EX

Replies

Categories