not married

foxyforce

we are both 25. and if marriage isn't important to him then he needs to verbalize it as I have explicitly said to him "If you don't want to get married, or if it isn't something you want, then you need to tell me, because I want to get married". I don't even want to have the conversation with him again, I am not about to tell someone to propose to me. I am passionate and romantic, and it is all being drained of me.

im in the same situation..been with my bf for 10 years!!! he knows i want to marry him..he keeps saying hes not ready..we have 2 kids together..at times i feel like im good enough to have kids with but not marry?? every time i bring it up he gets so defensive and mad...i try not to bring it up much..but i love him we have a good relationship and i refuse to give him an ultimatium..of marry me or we are over...cause i dont want us to be over...so for the poeple saying just move on..after 6 years with your guy is that what you really want???

you deserve to be married. my bf gets defensive too, like i'm attacking him when really i am just saying "dude, I (emphasis on the capital I!) want to get married"

i can't believe he had kids with you and won't marry you. what a ****bag. i'm not saying the relationship isn't good, but isn't it just so selfish?

foxyforce

I really don't see the big deal with marriage if you are not religious, are you really saying that before you get married you would cheat and generally act disrespectfully to a long term partner? Is being married somehow going to make you a better person? You should be treating your partner with respect the moment you become exclusive.

Divorce means I can just walk away from you at any time for any reason and no longer have that commitment. Marriage doesn't stop you from cheating, being abusive or lazy, nor does it preclude you from not being a douche if you aren't married.

With the ease of divorce the only real life time commitment is kids, it takes a real scum bag to completely walk away from their kids and have no contact ever, no matter how bad their partner is.

Try living together for a period of time, if he isn't ready to grow up then you will find out real quick.

i'm totally not religious. but i do believe in living and seizing everything this life has to offer. i want to do it with him. i want mutual goals, not singular goals like we currently have. i wanna be on a team with him forever...and i don't want to be married by a priest. and he definitely knows all of this.

foxyforce

So, unless he became distant after that conversation, I wouldn't cut him loose just yet.

i'm not planning on cutting him loose. and he hasn't become distant.

but i have done a lot of thinking.

i think i am just going to focus on me and move out on my own. if he wants to partner up and be on my team, then he will need to approach me about it.


p.s. everyone has literally been so helpful. this past few days have been emotional hell for me thinking of what i should or shouldn't do. thank you so much!!

nicolerah

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

foxyforce

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

nicolerah

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

Thanks I sure do!! (haven't found the "better" yet and at 36 I think I'm really running out of time! But anyways... you deserve better too!!

Tankplanker

I'm totally not religious. but i do believe in living and seizing everything this life has to offer. i want to do it with him. i want mutual goals, not singular goals like we currently have. i wanna be on a team with him forever...and i don't want to be married by a priest. and he definitely knows all of this.

I have all that with my partner of the last 18 years and we aren't married. We've lived together for 17 years in our own house, had kids for 10 years and always worked to a shared purpose. Marriage wouldn't change that or make it any different. Likewise marriage won't add commitment or a shared purpose that isn't already there, it's like getting pregnant by accident or "accident" and expecting the boy to become a responsible man overnight. There is just as much chance he'll bale as he'll step up.

TS65

Hey.. .I just came across this thread and it caught my eye cause I had a similar story! Many years ago I dated a guy whom I really wanted to get married to. We only dated for three years but I believe that after that time, a person should at least know IF they want to get married or not... at least. He didnt know! He never knew!! So eventually I figured that he simply didnt conceive the idea of getting married to me... and we parted ways. A couple years later, he was married to a girl. I was upset and really disappointed but I never let him know it. About two weeks ago, I'm chatting with him on facebook and he tells me him and his wife are splitting cause she's cheating on him.

I dont like to revel in other people's misery but serves him right! I would've made a much better wife and definitely wouldnt have cheated.

The moral of my story is that you can never tell what a person's life would turn out to be... and EVERYTHING happens for a reason. Who knows, maybe there's someone totally better out there for you!

see that always happens. guys seem to grow up so much when they get dumped. it like catalyses change because they can't be comfortable anymore. this is my theory. he probably didn't want to get ditched again so he settled down.

you desreved better!

Thanks I sure do!! (haven't found the "better" yet and at 36 I think I'm really running out of time! But anyways... you deserve better too!!

You're not running out of time. I didn't get married until I was 37. You got time yet!

One of my favorite sayings goes perfectly with this thread:

"If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans!"

justsummie

I really don't see the big deal with marriage if you are not religious, are you really saying that before you get married you would cheat and generally act disrespectfully to a long term partner? Is being married somehow going to make you a better person? You should be treating your partner with respect the moment you become exclusive.

Divorce means I can just walk away from you at any time for any reason and no longer have that commitment. Marriage doesn't stop you from cheating, being abusive or lazy, nor does it preclude you from not being a douche if you aren't married.

With the ease of divorce the only real life time commitment is kids, it takes a real scum bag to completely walk away from their kids and have no contact ever, no matter how bad their partner is.

Try living together for a period of time, if he isn't ready to grow up then you will find out real quick.

Totally agree.

ItsCasey

If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.

For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?

foxyforce

If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.

For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?

.

suzycreamcheese

costs a lot, its a faff to organise, cant please both sides of the family, got other things that money could be spent on, just not that bothered about doing it, dont see it as a priority, happy with the way things are.


i *would* get married to my partner, and he *would* be happy to marry me, but neither of us feel particularly bothered or rushed about it
. In my circle of family in friends its just as common to have very happy healthy long term live in relationships as it is to get married.

foxyforce

costs a lot, its a faff to organise, cant please both sides of the family, got other things that money could be spent on, just not that bothered about doing it, dont see it as a priority, happy with the way things are.


i *would* get married to my partner, and he *would* be happy to marry me, but neither of us feel particularly bothered or rushed about it
. In my circle of family in friends its just as common to have very happy healthy long term live in relationships as it is to get married.

you're describing a wedding

not a marriage

i even said i could get eloped. i'm not particular about the thousand dollar dress or shoes, the hundreds of guests, the overpriced catering.

party in my backyard with a cute dress and the man i love. that would be a fantastic wedding.

suzycreamcheese

well yeah i guess, but then what ive already got is a marriage then. I just never had the weddingy party bit.

Actually i do often refer to him as my husband

foxyforce

well yeah i guess, but then what ive already got is a marriage then. I just never had the weddingy party bit.

Actually i do often refer to him as my husband

not really, a marriage is a contract and declaration of vows to yourself, your partner and others. its official.

That_Girl

My husband and I never wanted to get married. We'd seen enough bad marriages in our families and friends.

But, over coffee one morning, we decided to get married and 2 months later we were. We had lived together for over 2 years and just decided it would be good for us to get married.

It did change things. I can't explain it. Was I committed to him then? Yes. But taking those vows with him in front of our closest 20 people was simply amazing. It was the best day of my life and we live our vows daily.

justsummie

If you have children with someone, live with them, and claim to love them and be committed to them but you won't marry them, you are a douche. It's the most selfish thing I've ever heard in my life, and anyone who stays with a person who refuses to marry them deserves whatever they get.

For all the "why get married when it won't change anything?" talk, I've never heard anyone answer the question of why NOT to get married. If you've got kids and you swear you love this person and want to be with them forever, what is your problem?

I think that's a bit harsh. Marriage isn't for everyone. I'm a firm believer that you can be a loving and commited life-partner WITHOUT be married as long as both individuals are happy with it.

The problem here is that one person understandably wants to get married and the other is on the fence.

lizzybethclaire

Marriage is not a goal, it is you saying to God and the world that you will love, honor, and keep your partner until death do you part. It is not a goal to be accomplished like losing weight or getting your degree. You cannot put marriage and kids as goals on the timeline of your life. Each is ongoing and forever. Marriage has to be worked at because getting married does not make all your problems magically go away.

eeeekie

I was in the same situation 3 years ago. I was with my now ex for 6 years, we were talking Marriage and he said after the Holidays we would start planning for the following November. The holidays were nearly on the horizon and like any other girl I was bursting with excitement to start planning. His feet started to drag and it occurred to me that if he WANTED to marry me he wouldn't need to wait until after the Holidays, he wouldn't be dragging his feet, he wouldn't have waited 6 years. I realized that it was just better to end it. To be honest, right after the breakup for about 6 months I was fine, mostly because I knew he wanted me back and I was just living my life. Then I realized, that I still loved him and wanted him back. Only to have him turn it around on me and have him tell me he was no longer wanting to be with me. About 6 months later he got with someone else, within 3 months of that he knocked her up and within a few months after that baby was born he knocked her up again. I hadn't seen him since a month before our breakup (long distance) and I finally saw him last September after his father passed away and just broke down. I really thought seeing him wouldn't have an effect on me but it did. I miss him terribly and think of him daily and still have a great amount of love for him. I wish things were different...that's the hard part about breaking up with nothing BAD happening. If we ended on bad terms I probably wouldn't feel so much for him but we didn't, in fact I'm friends with him on Facebook and extremely close to his family. It is what it is...

Sometimes I wish I had waited and given him time but then I think...he was fine with the way our relationship was and probably wouldn't have changed it so I still would have been miserable.

Good luck with your decision whatever it may be.

previn84

First of all I haven't read every page of posts on this topic so forgive me if I give you a similar answer as someone else.
I, too, have been in a long term relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together on and off, mostly on for nearly 6 years. We actually got engaged about a year and half in, then we hit a really rough off time for about 6 months and once we got back together we still haven't gotten engaged again. During the previous engagment no date was ever set and no real plans were ever made. In the last year we have had a baby together, which was completely unexpected. At the time we had just gotten back together and were really trying to figure out if it was actually going to work out this time. The pregnancy brought us closer than we'd ever been before. But once my son came, it seemed to go downhill up until this last few weeks. He personally is a recovering alcoholic and has been into some legal trouble in his past. Again this is all behind us. But he still carried around a lot of baggage, which he realized and he blamed for his lack of commitment. He claimed that once he finally got his life back on track fully that he wouldn't feel guilty about me marrying into such a mess. To me though I just love him. I've been with him through some of the thickest of messes he's gotten himself into, and he's miraculously brought himself out of. I respect the man he is because of his work ethic, his humor, and now for his fatherhood. He's amazing to be around, and I couldn't imagine myself with anyone else. I finally sat him down and told him that it was obvious that he didn't want any part of me and that it was pathetic of him to not even recognize my need for a marital commitment. He said he'd lost some interest, but never fell out of love. I told him straight up that it was his own fault because he'd become distant. I said that if he hadn't been investing into me and into the relationship why the hell would he want or expect anything out of it. He also has claimed for years now that we have so little in common, in which I point out to him all our similarities, and he proceeds to point out our differences. I finally told him he needed to realize how he's never going to find a duplicate of himself and that he either needed to find an appreciation for our differences and try to see how they help each of us be more complete people or he needed to stop dragging me along for this rollercoaster ride. There was a lot more discussion regarding some more personal issues involving our son as well, but obviously that woudn't really apply to you. But thing is, it took really pointing out to him how he was wasting everyone's time and energy before he actually decided to straighten up. Thing is, it took this long, and honestly I'm still not sure if his change in attitude will last. I still don't have a ring on my finger, so I'm not sure I'm the best person to be giving advice on the subject. But really I wanted to share how I do know where you're coming from in a way, and from me I don't think you're being irrational. But at this point and in your personal situation, you haven't got much to lose by ending the relationship except the last 6 and half years... but if you do choose to stick around, you have to determine too if you're willing to forfeit any more time for this guy. I think right now you're looking for reason to justify staying and you're having trouble yourself finding that much less getting it from anyone else. I do wish you luck. I know you have to love the guy, and I've been there, I am there. Hang in there and I hope all works out for YOUR best interest.