Couples who dont fight.

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  • oftheearth
    oftheearth Posts: 104 Member
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    The only somewhat proven prediction for the failure of success of a marriage is seen in John Gottman's research. He predicted divorce with 94% accuracy. I am not going to explain what he does in full, but he found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when the couple's interactions are at a MINIMUM 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative. Extremely happy marriages are close to 20 to 1.

    (Those were my own words from what I remember learning about his studies. Here is something from his site!):

    The most corrosive negative behavior patterns:

    Criticism: stating one’s complaints as a defect in one’s partner’s personality, i.e., giving the partner negative trait attributions. Example: “You always talk about yourself. You are so selfish.”

    Contempt: statements that come from a relative position of superiority. Contempt is the greatest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated. Example: “You’re an idiot.”

    Defensiveness: self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victim-hood. Defensiveness wards off a perceived attack. Example: “It’s not my fault that we’re always late; it’s your fault.”

    Stonewalling: emotional withdrawal from interaction. Example: The listener does not give the speaker the usual nonverbal signals that the listener is “tracking” the speaker.

    These predict early divorcing – an average of 5.6 years after the wedding. Emotional withdrawal and anger predict later divorcing – an average of 16.2 years after the wedding.
  • debussyschild
    debussyschild Posts: 804 Member
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    For a long time, my husband and I NEVER fought. I always thought, well, WOW, this is awesome! I hate fighting or arguing, but something about the fact that we rarely had arguments (meaningful ones, not ones about petty stuff) definitely concerned me. So, one day, I brought it up to my husband and we both pondered it for a while. We figured out that instead of arguing, we usually avoided having difficult conversations. Not to put all the blame on my husband, but out of the two of us, he is the non-confrontational one. So, with that said, it's been a challenge to not necessarily start arguments, but start conversations before the need for arguments arises. We work on it all the time and it gets better. I would definitely have to say that any couple who isn't talking or sharing in disagreements at least on occasion might benefit from talking about it with their partner.
  • auntdeedee87
    auntdeedee87 Posts: 706 Member
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    Just to clarify again, when I say fighting, I mean disagreeing on something, anything. Having a discussion. Getting irritated with one another. Maybe raising voices, but not something you can't work out, and certainly not something you go to bed angry about.

    I do not mean Jerry Springer style fighting, screaming and throwing things and hitting... That's not healthy for any relationship, period.

    He and I have an agreement that we never go to bed angry, or even frustrated, and if something is bothering us, we talk it out. Not much to it. But a clash in opinions happens from time to time.
  • debussyschild
    debussyschild Posts: 804 Member
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    Just to clarify again, when I say fighting, I mean disagreeing on something, anything. Having a discussion. Getting irritated with one another. Maybe raising voices, but not something you can't work out, and certainly not something you go to bed angry about.

    I do not mean Jerry Springer style fighting, screaming and throwing things and hitting... That's not healthy for any relationship, period.

    He and I have an agreement that we never go to bed angry, or even frustrated, and if something is bothering us, we talk it out. Not much to it. But a clash in opinions happens from time to time.

    Definitely agree with what you meant to say. I think disagreeing and butting heads (not literally, of course) is normal and healthy. However, I don't think that fighting that involves being deliberately mean and hurtful is ever healthy for any relationship.
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    I still think we're all going with different definitions of fighting. If you're talking about raising your voice then no, my husband and I have never fought. I came from an abusive relationship and I can't handle yelling. But we have had plenty of discussions in which we had to explain differing points of view calmly and come to a compromise. So I might say "we never fight" and it would be true if your definition of a fight is yelling etc. but it wouldn't be true if your definition is any kind of problem or disagreement. Maybe your friend is the same way; they may not be bottling up at all maybe they just have a different way of dealing with any issues that come up and they don't call that fighting.
  • Elizabeth_C34
    Elizabeth_C34 Posts: 6,376 Member
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    My husband and I don't fight. Our relationship is healthy and we talk a lot so we don't get all worked up over stuff.
  • sleepytexan
    sleepytexan Posts: 3,138 Member
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    12 years, 4 kids, no big fights. Disagreements, sure, but small ones without drama. We have a very easy relationship, and a natural camaraderie; we enjoy each other's company and we co-parent well. We're supportive of each other's interests, strengths and weaknesses without ever having to discuss it.

    Having had difficult relationships in the past, I know this is golden. We are blessed.
  • auntdeedee87
    auntdeedee87 Posts: 706 Member
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    12 years, 4 kids, no big fights. Disagreements, sure, but small ones without drama. We have a very easy relationship, and a natural camaraderie; we enjoy each other's company and we co-parent well. We're supportive of each other's interests, strengths and weaknesses without ever having to discuss it.

    Having had difficult relationships in the past, I know this is golden. We are blessed.

    :smile:
  • brittanyjeanxo
    brittanyjeanxo Posts: 1,831 Member
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    I have the occasional spat with my boyfriend. We used to be very good about just talking about things, so I said we never fought, because we honestly never got angry or annoyed with each other. Now that we live together and aren't 1200 miles apart, however, it's not as...necessary to do things that way, so we've gotten into some good ones. We're slowly working on being better about talking about things as soon as they start to bother us, though, rather than letting it stew and getting irritated.

    However, I think I know what you mean about it being a "red flag." If a couple doesn't "argue" because they actually talk and don't get annoyed/mad/irritated, that's one thing. But if they don't fight or argue because they never talk about things, that's very unhealthy.
  • Alison_84
    Alison_84 Posts: 86
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    We definitely don't fight or have major blowouts (been together for 2 and a bit years) but we do have little disagreements/arguments here and there.
  • bonkers5975
    bonkers5975 Posts: 1,015 Member
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    Nope, never have had a fight. Talk about everything. We've been married 10 years next month, and had a 2 week engagement.

    I've been around people that seem to thrive on it, but it would kill me to live like that. I love peace. My husband loves peace. And we are usually on the same page. If we're not, we talk about it, but we love each other, and the only time you fight is when something or someone else becomes more important than the person in front of you.
  • Xtina_Beba
    Xtina_Beba Posts: 218
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    I'm sure they have to have some disagreements, not necessarily fights. My husband & I had two major fights that led to separation and marriage counseling, however now we're better than before and yes we have little disagreements here and there.
  • FairyMiss
    FairyMiss Posts: 1,812 Member
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    my guy and i dont fight, he makes the rules, he is always right, it is what i signed up for, i can like it or leave (well ask to leave)
  • ILiftHeavyAcrylics
    ILiftHeavyAcrylics Posts: 27,732 Member
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    my guy and i dont fight, he makes the rules, he is always right, it is what i signed up for, i can like it or leave (well ask to leave)

    Wow I hope you're kidding-- that sounds like hell. Or my first marriage (he was a Marine).
  • oftheearth
    oftheearth Posts: 104 Member
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    my guy and i dont fight, he makes the rules, he is always right, it is what i signed up for, i can like it or leave (well ask to leave)

    Yeah I hope this is a joke, too, even though it wouldn't be a funny one...
    If it isn't a joke...
    You deserve more. (Put in the simplest of terms...)
  • LilMissFoodie
    LilMissFoodie Posts: 612 Member
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    However, I think I know what you mean about it being a "red flag." If a couple doesn't "argue" because they actually talk and don't get annoyed/mad/irritated, that's one thing. But if they don't fight or argue because they never talk about things, that's very unhealthy.

    Absolutely. I think some people have blanketly categorised all people that don't fight with their partners into the 'don't talk about anything' category and I think that is wrong. Also, I think it's worth mentioning that there are couples who do fight, who really don't talk about anything. A screaming match or even just a few angry words to each other does not necessarily equal a conversation later down the line, if you are having the angry words and forgiving each other without actually having a proper, calm conversation then surely that is much less healthy than just having the conversation in the first place.
  • FairyMiss
    FairyMiss Posts: 1,812 Member
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    my guy and i dont fight, he makes the rules, he is always right, it is what i signed up for, i can like it or leave (well ask to leave)

    Wow I hope you're kidding-- that sounds like hell. Or my first marriage (he was a Marine).

    no its not a joke , but its what i like. hey we are all different arent we. and it does tend to make alot of things easy

    and before you worry , no it is in no way abusive.
  • FairyMiss
    FairyMiss Posts: 1,812 Member
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    my guy and i dont fight, he makes the rules, he is always right, it is what i signed up for, i can like it or leave (well ask to leave)

    Yeah I hope this is a joke, too, even though it wouldn't be a funny one...
    If it isn't a joke...
    You deserve more. (Put in the simplest of terms...)


    LOL i getting everything i want. you can message me for any more explination
  • _Ben
    _Ben Posts: 1,608 Member
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    IMO, if you are not arguing, something is wrong in the relationship. One of you is supressing your emotions. You cannot agree with everyone every second of everyday. Its just not possible. I like how my gf put it, "You dont wake up to happy to be with yourself everyday, how are you expected to EVERYDAY wake up and be 100% happy with another person"
  • anna2709
    anna2709 Posts: 13
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    I wonder if they disagree, but don't necessarily fight. Know what I mean? I have a friend who has the most excellent communication with her husband, and they disagree, but they don't bicker or fight. Maybe your friend is more like that than a Stepford Wife.

    I was going to say this too. DH and I (married 20 years) rarely, if ever, FIGHT - and by fight I mean shouting, arguing, tears, etc (but never, ever anything physical). I would say maybe 3 times in 20 years, and not for years now. BUT we do disagree on some things, of course we do - we are still 2 separate people after all. So it all depends on your definition of what a fight actually is. Is it just a disagreement? Or a full scale argument?

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