Posting Before & After Pics... Husband is NOT supportive

ItsMeRebekah

when i go to the beach in a tiny bikini all sorts of "random" men see me tanning.. I dont see a difference! but i typically only take shots that dont show my head.. the only reason is because i just exercised and look like craaaap hahaha

my husband trust me enough to not care what i do "online"
IMO it kinda feels like thats what this matter boils down to.. trust.

Sackit

Instead of posting them print them and hang them on your bathroom mirror. Give yourself that motivation and let him be your cheerleader. I am finding everyone on here is very supportive without pictures.

quara

I haven't read through all the posts here, but I understand where your husband is coming from - mine is the same way. He doesn't want me posting half naked pics of myself online, and I can understand and accept that! I don't think he has any problem with me posting regular pictures in clothes, though - those could just be regular Facebook pics, side by side, nothing wrong with that.

In my personal opinion, if your husband has a problem with it (and I mean a problem with half-naked pics on the Internet, not an all-around control problem), then I wouldn't do it.

andiechick

I agree with some of the posts that if he's not comfortable with you posting pics of yourself half naked then its not worth fighting about, I'd maybe compromise and do some tight fitting gym wear or something where I'm sure you'll be able to see the difference

What does worry me though was the comment about him not being happy about you wearing a bikini on the beach. We go to the beach to catch some sun and wear our swimsuits/bikinis.

Marriage is all about compromise, but this does seem a little freakish to me. I've been with my hubby for 13 years and he's probably prouder of my body than I am (I'm a woman so I have issues with it!). When I was worried about showing off my body in my bikini on last year's holiday he told me to show it with pride, as although I may have a 'mummy tummy', that tummy has produced our 2 beautiful babies.

good luck with your journey xx

raevynn

It is weird Believe me, there's a really big part of me that wants to scream: WHAT??? I'll do what I want. Period. Who are you to tell me I can't?? And then there's another part of me that laughs and snickers as I hear myself say: My HUSBAND doesn't want me to... LOL. I can't believe I'm THAT girl. But... it's not so bad. He's a great person and he's really bringing out the best in me. I think I got away with WAY too much nonsense as a single person...

This disturbs me more than anything else.

You got away with too much as a single person? Who is telling you this?

There are so many different ways that controlling people accomplish their goal of control... one of which is the constant, subtle put-down of how "bad" someone was before they arrived to "bring out the best" in them.

Pay attention to how your friends are reacting - not his friends, not your new "couple" friends, but your friends from before. Listen to them. They will be the first ones to notice personality changes.

and, for the record, yes, I am married - 12 years - and this is my second marriage, as my first marriage was to a control freak who was incredibly abusive. It took years to get through the healing from that, and I'm still recovering.

NavyIT85

I only read the first page, but this is desperate for man's perspective.

I am imagining you haven't been married more than a couple years or less. I am also thinking it is not him try to be in control of what she does, but more so that he wants her all to himself. Let's face it, if I looked like Brad Pitt, my wife would probably try to keep me from posting pics with my shirt off ...

Either way, your best bet is to talk to him about it, and explain that people here aren't facebook stalkers, but just people that need a little extra motivation. and your progress could really help other people, as well as give you an idea of how un-biased people see your progress.

blessmy5

He is your husband not your owner! Do what YOU need to do, if posting pics will help your journey then post it. (Cut your head out if you want)

I've been married 27 years and this is EXCELLANT advise!

honeysprinkles

My wife was interviewed, and is appearing on a "48 Hours Mystery" two hour show. The subject, was the murder of Her ex-boyfriend. Her co-workers asked "and your husband is letting you do it"? Excuse me? I don't forbid, or let me wife do anything. I worry about how they will portray her; but the decision was all hers, and I believe it was therapeutic for her. The word insecure comes to mind, in your situation.

I like your answer!

Helenatrandom

Does your husband compliment you on the progress you have made? Can YOU see the progress you have made? If the answer to these questions is yes, why isn't that enough? You could post that you lost __ inches around your waist ( hips, chest, whatever), and we would all say "GREAT job!". So why is it so important that WE see the pictures?
If you want pictures for your own comparative purposes, take them in the mirror as others have done and keep a private scrapbook.

dia77

My husband does NOT want me posting any body pics NONE whatsoever.

I took "before" bikini pics back in the summer. We were dating then, not even married. Even then he complained about the pics and begged me not to post them, so I took them down after a few days. I've since lost a few lbs and inches and was thinking about taking updates, but he absolutely refuses to take them for me... !!??!!

I told him "everyone's doing it"... LOL. He hates the idea of me "sharing" myself on the internet. I told him it's for a good reason but he won't budge. The only thing I could do is go behind his back

I am a bit upset about this. What would YOU do? Any opinions, advice, suggestions?

I don't think is such a big deal. I will respect his opinion. After all , if I don't respect his opinion, how can I expect him to respect mine? It is not going to change anything if you don't post them . If he cannot support you in this because he is to private......you should respect that . You kknew this before you got married , right? This is just my opinion , you should do what your hart tells you , not your ego:) This is all about respecting each other and respecting yourself.

honeysprinkles

Your guy must be super religious (Moslem) or has some sexual problems. And excuse me, he doesn't like you beeing in a bikini in a public swimmplace? You are in the US, right? Not in Iran.

I think Christianity and most other religions are just as "extreme", the only difference is how strictly it's followed by most people.

Myunginc

I think what your spouse thinks is MUCH more important than what all of us think.

YassSpartan

My husband does NOT want me posting any body pics NONE whatsoever.

I took "before" bikini pics back in the summer. We were dating then, not even married. Even then he complained about the pics and begged me not to post them, so I took them down after a few days. I've since lost a few lbs and inches and was thinking about taking updates, but he absolutely refuses to take them for me... !!??!!

I told him "everyone's doing it"... LOL. He hates the idea of me "sharing" myself on the internet. I told him it's for a good reason but he won't budge. The only thing I could do is go behind his back

I am a bit upset about this. What would YOU do? Any opinions, advice, suggestions?

As a man, I can see and understand both points of views. I understand the protective side of the story by not wanting you to post pictures online, but depending on how it is said, it can go beyond protective reason and fall into lack of confidence, insecurity and jealousy. If that's the case, then there is a problem. I understand you said he doesn't control you and you do whatever you want, but in this kind of scenario where you would be sharing pictures of your body, whether you're wearing swimsuit or you're fully clothed, you need to be aware of what his reasoning is for disagreeing and if it is really what he is saying. I don't know the guy, I haven't heard him talking, so I can't really say what's going on in his head.

To me respect, as well as honesty are key factors in a relationship and talking, not imposing an opinion or point of view, is a major factor for a long lasting relationship. Unfortunately there will be those times were one or the other won't understand the reasoning of the other person, but that's where support and understanding come into play. If what's being discussed is not harming anyone in any way, there shouldn't be a problem at all.

With that said, I'm asking you this. Is he part of MFP or does he workout with you? If he does, he should understand why you want to post the Before & After pictures, but if he doesn't, maybe that's why he doesn't understand it and see a positive side to such thing. Maybe trying to get him involved in your fitness goals will make him be more open to what you want.

In any case, and as many have suggested, maybe a photo without including your face (since you'll be showing your body) will be more appropriate, even if you're fully clothed. And just so you know, if his problem is "not wanting to share you" with others (then I might be right about him being insecure), the truth is, people (or guys for the most part) wil check you out no matter what wherever you are, even if he is standing right by your side.

That's just my opinion.

And for those who say to do whatever you want and don't listen to your husband, don't pay attention to them, they're not the ones who are married to your husband or will take care of your problems when it comes about your personal life and marriage.

honeysprinkles

Your guy must be super religious (Moslem) or has some sexual problems. And excuse me, he doesn't like you beeing in a bikini in a public swimmplace? You are in the US, right? Not in Iran.

There is so much wrong with the entire tone of this reply that I won't even start, for risk of combusting.

ANYWAY, back on topic.

I think if you love your hubby - which you clearly do or you wouldn't even care about his wishes - it would be a great idea to sit down and talk to him about this if you haven't already. Marriage and indeed, any serious relationship involves comprimise and respect - but he needs to respect your wishes too!

Why does he feel uncomfortable? Is it the idea of other men ogling you that angers him? Is he worried about your online "security?"
Is it possible he is worried that you are changing a lot - maybe he's insecure and worried that you will find somebody that he deems better than him?
Maybe talk to him and explain how it means a lot to you to be able to show your progress - maybe he'll let up once he realises that it's simply you being proud of your achievements, and it's nothing more than that. Alternatively, pose in something less revealing - a cute swimsuit or gym outfit! You can see progress in clothes as well as without - although I don't blame you for wanting to show off your weight loss in a bikini, especially if you've not been able to wear one before / in a long time.

The important thing is that your hubby recognises and is proud of your accomplishments and isn't controlling or disrespectful of your wishes.

Good luck!

Glad I'm not the only one who thought that didn't sound right...

whtlatina1214

hmm well why doesnt he want you to post them is it trust
or is it he is worried about you and someone stealing them or what is his reason behind it that makes a difference ..

JustLena75

Find someone else to take the pictures, and post them if you want to. He is your husband, not your boss/parent/owner.

rebeccap13

Do you really need to post them online to see the progress that you've made and have everyone else justify it?

Didn't read the whole thread so sorry if this has been addressed.

A bikini isn't the only article of clothing that will show progress, wear your workout clothes.

Angellore

Does he allow you to go swimming or to the beach?
Even though it makes me a little nauseous to say "allow".

I don't get the difference?
What about if he takes them and you just do a side by side comparison for yourself?

Ummm, yeah I go to the beach and I did wear my bikini. He didn't like it but he dealt with it. He isn't controlling or anything, he just doesn't think it's necessary for me to post pics on here. I guess I feel left out and I really wanted to share my progress pics

You say he isn't controlling... however, he didn't like you wearing a bikini at THE BEACH??? Hmmmm... sounds pretty controlling and possessive to me.

Absolutely this. If he didn't like you wearing your bikini on the beach I think there is some serious issues right there. That is a much bigger issue than the pics on the net.

JustLena75

After reading this entire thread, it begs the question....everyone else keeps talking about HER respecting HIS wishes...what HIM respecting what SHE wants to do? Yes, I'm married. We are a team. Mutual decisions are made all the time, when it affects our unit. Honestly, I fail to see why this is something even being discussed between two married people. He married her, he should trust her judgement.

savage22hp

After reading this entire thread, it begs the question....everyone else keeps talking about HER respecting HIS wishes...what HIM respecting what SHE wants to do? Yes, I'm married. We are a team. Mutual decisions are made all the time, when it affects our unit. Honestly, I fail to see why this is something even being discussed between two married people. He married her, he should trust her judgement.

i'm afraid that if he is that adamant about this , it does effect the marriage unit and her wants do count as much as his but is this the battle to fall on your sword over ? In your face ,I'll do it anyway will not a happy marriage make . In your face , don't do it or else isn't any better . This has to be mutual as every decision with differing opinions must be , for there to be "us together " vs. " you do your thing and I'll do mine ".

jcstanton

I say, just don't do it. Keep yourself a photo album of your progress - you don't really need to show the world your pictures just to motivate yourself. If you want the public recognition, do like the previous poster said and find a more creative way to share it.

Really. If it's that important to him, respect him. No, he definitely doesn't "own" you, but marriage is about mutual respect, love, partnership... if he's asked you not to do something, especially something as unimportant as this, and you go do it behind his back knowing it will hurt him when he finds out, how will that help you in your weight loss journey OR your marriage?

May I suggest instead that you find a way you can work together to support your journey and give you motivation? Maybe you could do your progress photos together for a private album, for example... wink, wink...

)

^^Great advice. I agree you should definitely pick your battles. It doesn't sound like he's being unsupportive of your weightloss to me. He just doesn't want you "flaunting" your body for all the world to see. Try to get him to open up about the exact reason he doesn't want you posting the pics. No one has ever said that being married to someone means you have to agree with them on everything, but it's important that you respect the other person's feelings. And whether you agree with him or not, going behind his back and doing it anyway certainly isn't right, either. Maybe after losing a little more weight (not sure how much you're trying to lose), you could do some before and afters fully clothed. Whatever you decide to do, try to make the decision based on the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." BTW, that doesn't mean "Treat others the way they treat you." It means "Treat others the way you want to be treated, REGARDLESS of how they may treat you." Not saying that's always easy, but you'd be surprised how people respond when you're kind and understanding toward them even though they have not been so much to you.

doenitin52

I was with a man for 17 yrs married almost 12 and he would die if I ever posted pics of any sort. I am proud now of what I am doing and you should be as well. If I ever mentioned the words diet or weight loss in came the cookies,pies, cakes u name it. This is some thing you are doing for yourself not him. He doesn't understand how much of an inspiration you could be to even just 1 person. That 1 person could see your pics and say wow if she can do it so can I. If you want to post pics do it, I do agree that bikini pics may be a little much because you are married but in normal clothing or shorts and a tank top I say go for it. If he gets mad say well you know what I feel amazing and maybe I can help 1 person feel amazing too. He will get over it and move on. I am sure there are things he does that you don't approve of. Do what you feel is good for you. Good luck and best wishes on your weight loss journey :flowerforyou:

Biggipooh

Your guy must be super religious (Moslem) or has some sexual problems. And excuse me, he doesn't like you beeing in a bikini in a public swimmplace? You are in the US, right? Not in Iran.

There is so much wrong with the entire tone of this reply that I won't even start, for risk of combusting.

ANYWAY, back on topic.

I think if you love your hubby - which you clearly do or you wouldn't even care about his wishes - it would be a great idea to sit down and talk to him about this if you haven't already. Marriage and indeed, any serious relationship involves comprimise and respect - but he needs to respect your wishes too!

Why does he feel uncomfortable? Is it the idea of other men ogling you that angers him? Is he worried about your online "security?"
Is it possible he is worried that you are changing a lot - maybe he's insecure and worried that you will find somebody that he deems better than him?
Maybe talk to him and explain how it means a lot to you to be able to show your progress - maybe he'll let up once he realises that it's simply you being proud of your achievements, and it's nothing more than that. Alternatively, pose in something less revealing - a cute swimsuit or gym outfit! You can see progress in clothes as well as without - although I don't blame you for wanting to show off your weight loss in a bikini, especially if you've not been able to wear one before / in a long time.

The important thing is that your hubby recognises and is proud of your accomplishments and isn't controlling or disrespectful of your wishes.

Good luck!

Glad I'm not the only one who thought that didn't sound right...

Why doesn't this sound right? It could be a religious reason, why he doesn't agree with these things. Then it would be totally explainable.

Kelly_1981

He is your husband not your owner! Do what YOU need to do, if posting pics will help your journey then post it. (Cut your head out if you want)

^^This!
Amen sister!

Girl, if it's going to help you on your journey, do it. It's your journey, not his.

thats such crap!

Women who post stuff like this are most likely either:
A) Single
Divorced
C) Going to be divorced eventually.

I was one of those 'do what you want who cares about what your husband says' type girls for too long. Guess what? I didn't get married until I was over 30...and I saw all those like minded gals I hung out with go through nasty divorces because they were "empowered" women. (Including my mother, after 25 years of marriage my father just couldn't take her "single minded" mentality anymore.) OP never said her husband stated she absolutely COULDN'T post pics, she said he DOESN'T WANT her to. There is a difference between being a "slave", or a "doormat", and just having the common courtesy to compromise with your spouse. The most empowered woman is the one who is considerate to her mate instead of being so busy deciding "he doesn't own her" that she won't even take the time to work things out on issues that they don't see eye to eye on. Compromise also makes for a long, happy marriage. I really dislike the almost constant disrespect for men I see on these message boards. Way too many posts by women bashing their spouses and talking poorly about them. It's pretty awful. When a wife becomes their husband's biggest fan, I can almost guarantee that even a not so great relationship will become a much better one.

ETA: This post isn't directed to you, OP, but to the posters who replied to you that you shouldn't care what your husband thinks, and to do what you wish.

^THIS

NOPE I have been happily married for 10.5 years BUT I wont have someone tell me what I am "allowed" to do!

TheSarahHill

Tell him to get a grip!!!!!!! xxxx

HTMTM

I think you should take the photo so you can see them. If you really want to share then draw an outline on paint or somehting, and post that. But the pictures themselves only you see. You see how much you've lost, and nobody sees you, so you should both be happy.

JennieAL

Well... what a learning experience this thread was! LOL. Thanks to all who contributed. Yes, even to those *kitten* who called my husband names and insinuated I must be a meek, mindless servant to him... LMAO. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round, and I expected not much less than I got by posing my predicament on this forum.

I really appreciate some of your well thought out responses and sharing of your own experiences. This WAS a personal question to ask on this board, and I was mostly interested in the differing opinions, more than anything... If this was a HUGE problem for me, I don't think I'd be putting it out there like I did.

So... he and I had a discussion about it today over the phone and once he got home from work. The best thing that came from it was that I finally felt like I was being heard. And I asked him WHY he felt the way he did, and let him explain while I listened... So, I made sure we were both heard. I feel MUCH better now... he assured me that he NEVER underestimated how much MFP as a fitness tool means to me now, and that he does think of it as a positive thing. I was more concerned he was making light of something that I valued.... so that was the big issue for me.

He also told me that his main concern in not wanting the pics to go up is that I would get attention from strange men, and that he thought it was unnecessary... I agreed that it is unnecessary, and that I might indeed get unwanted attention. He was angry because he thought I was trying to get attention and that if I got attention that it would just progress from there... so, in a sense he was letting his imagination run away with him. There has never been a time in our short marriage (2 months now) where I have ever given him reason to think I'd leave him for another man. He said he would be devastated to lose me, and that this fear was playing into his not wanting me to have body pics up.

He finally told me to put the pictures up, but... I think I don't really care to as much now. I think I might just take them for myself and not post them. I'd like to be considerate and not give him any extra anxiety. It helps to know he sees my side, and that's really enough for me. And that I can see his too.

This man is not controlling. He works long hours so that I can enjoy life and write and do things that I want to do. He is not selfish. He does want the best for me, and he certainly does respect me. And above all, I know he loves me. So, that is a man I can love and respect. If anything, he doesn't want to "share" what he loves and values because he doesn't want to lose me... I can understand that. I wouldn't want to lose him either.

JennieAL

I totally agree with you. I wouldn't have said this in my 20's or 30's. Back then I would have said, "screw you - I make my own decisions about my body", and then I would have posted them anyway. Two divorces later, I have discovered that interacting with your partner in a relationship requires a different approach to making decisions. It's not just about getting my own way, not being controlled, etc.. A successful relationship requires both partners to be independent while still considering how their actions affect the partnership as a whole. When both partners behave this way, you end up with a give-and-take that motivates, supports, and nurtures both partners, creating a whole that's definitely stronger than the sum of its parts! I've figured out I can still be an intelligent, articulate, and independent woman in a relationship -- I just have to come up with creative ways to be true to myself while still being respectful and considerate of my partner's feelings.

I really appreciate this answer, thanks! And sorry about the divorces... but it does sound like you're much the wiser for it. Coming up with creative ways to be independent in a relationship... I "get" that.

JennieAL

I only read the first page, but this is desperate for man's perspective.

I am imagining you haven't been married more than a couple years or less. I am also thinking it is not him try to be in control of what she does, but more so that he wants her all to himself. Let's face it, if I looked like Brad Pitt, my wife would probably try to keep me from posting pics with my shirt off ...

Either way, your best bet is to talk to him about it, and explain that people here aren't facebook stalkers, but just people that need a little extra motivation. and your progress could really help other people, as well as give you an idea of how un-biased people see your progress.

Thanks for your perspective. I have paid careful attention to all the men's responses... there weren't many. Anyway, you're exactly right. He does seem to want me to himself. And we've only been married 2 months. I do think he'll be ok in time with "sharing" me... LOL. He's just a bit possessive because it's so new to us both. We're both 35, never married. It's a totally new world! And we were both VERY independent as single people. So, it's a major compromise from what we were used to.

He did see many men come onto me on my Facebook page while we were dating and he didn't like that one bit. So, I'm sure this is just another "Facebook" in his mind.

Also, about the bikini on the beach... just so everyone gets that straight: He didn't like it that it was a string bikini, however... when I changed into it he was very proud and happy to have me on his "arm" at the beach. He certainly didn't try to stop me. In fact, I didn't even know he wasn't thrilled I wore it until days after the fact.

JennieAL

Does your husband compliment you on the progress you have made? Can YOU see the progress you have made? If the answer to these questions is yes, why isn't that enough? You could post that you lost __ inches around your waist ( hips, chest, whatever), and we would all say "GREAT job!". So why is it so important that WE see the pictures?
If you want pictures for your own comparative purposes, take them in the mirror as others have done and keep a private scrapbook.

It is enough. I was encouraged to post progress pics by a couple friends and so I thought it would feel good to see actual results, but I definitely don't feel I have to. It was just that I wanted to. I can have him take them and decide later about posting or not... he's ok with it now, so he says. Though I know he's probably mostly wanting to make me happy. So, since he's being so selfless in giving me the go-ahead, I'm going to hold off on it for now.