Is it wrong?

chubbybunnee

I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.

What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!

I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?

odusgolp

It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

foremant86

I think that's absurd to believe that a person can't have friends of opposite sex once they are married and i'd find a new counselor.

Silverkittycat

I think you've made your decision.

Carl01

It sounds like it is over and you are seeing a counselor to just go through the motions of it.
It happens to people.

apesid

It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

Agree!

It's not just about the friends. It's about something that makes your husband uncomfortable and that he has asked you not to do - and you choosing to do it regardless. I'm not saying you should just blindly follow what your husband says but there should be communication and you should be able to come to an agreement about any situation.

mrlazy1967

I don't think it's wrong, but I'm laid back about stuff.
Having said that, I don't think my wife would let me go out with single women ... maybe she knows me too well

KavemanKarg

If your relationship is awesome with your husband, if he is getting what he feels is his share of fair attention, this would likely not be an issue.

Consider this a symptom.

And also ask yourself why you feel the need to keep in touch with single guy friends that no longer live near you, and why you have some loyalty to keeping those relationships alive. Sure, a hi now and then, but to actively engage on a regular basis seems odd to me.

In the end, live and let live so this is just my opinion.

jacquelyn_erika

If your relationship is awesome with your husband, if he is getting what he feels is his share of fair attention, this would likely not be an issue.

Consider this a symptom.

And also ask yourself why you feel the need to keep in touch with single guy friends that no longer live near you, and why you have some loyalty to keeping those relationships alive. Sure, a hi now and then, but to actively engage on a regular basis seems odd to me.

In the end, live and let live so this is just my opinion.

This...a million times over.

Noki1024

I didn't read that your guy friends were single like some posters are assuming. If that is the case then, yes, a once in a while phone call or email seems harmless as long as your husband is aware. If your guy friends are attached with girlfriends/wives than why not make it a couples outing?

livinginwoods

My marriage is a priority and if having guy friends jeopardized that I would back off the friendships. I committed to my husband for life, not my old guy friends. I respect him and the marriage enough to follow the wishes, if the were to ask that. I guess it depends on how much you value your marriage and husband vs old friendships. Just my 2 cents.

Matt_Wild

If you are go thro dangerous times, why put yourself in the centre of temptation?

Jipples

It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

this

chubbybunnee

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

DS67ATX

I think trust is the issue.I was married for many years and trusted my wife to have male friends and I had female friends,no big deal.If you really love one another trust should be simple.

odusgolp

I didn't read that your guy friends were single like some posters are assuming. If that is the case then, yes, a once in a while phone call or email seems harmless as long as your husband is aware. If your guy friends are attached with girlfriends/wives than why not make it a couples outing?

This statement implies they are single. "...once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage."

chubbybunnee

The trust thing!

That's how I feel about it. I trust him completey! He goes to Houston for the whole weekend and I don't question who hes with or who he'll hang out with. I'm shocked he hasn't kicked me off MFP for having guy friends on here too! I don't see what it matters if the guys are single or married because it doesn't make a difference to me. I just like having groups of friends that like to comingle and have fun. The gender of the person makes no difference to me. Now if I was making out with some guys or cheated or gave him reason to suspect it, I could rationalise that he would want me to hang out with girls only, but if I am asking my guy friend on facebook, how have you been?, I shouldn't get yelled at for saying hi. I feel like he's looney tunes sometimes!

Matt_Wild

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

He's insecure because he thinks he is losing you because of the strife you are going thro. You standing around with team of fit men will not inspire confidence. The same would be rolls reversed.

Lets face it, when things go wrong and you argue you'll want a shoulder to cry on. Some men are sharks and will be that shoulder and look for something more from it.

Course they'll never admit it.

Dave198lbs

like Harry told Sally...men and women cant be friends...the sex thing always gets in the way

Kymmy81

I don't see any issue with you having friends outside of the marriage. To tell you that you can't continue friendships that existed prior to the marriage is a control issue that I would not feel comfortable with. That is your husband's issue though, not yours.

Good luck.

odusgolp

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

It seems pretty apparent that you want out. But no one on a message board hearing only your side of the story can possibly help you deal with this properly... Your issues in your marriage are obviously much deeper than this.

cjpg

After six years I think he should come to terms with it. If he's reacting negatively to it NOW then he's a bit slow in my opinion.

lynnmarie60

find a new counelor because no counselor worth a cent would say that; however they would say perhaps that if the relationship of a particular male friend offends your husband you should do everything possible not to make your husband feel that way because your marriage comes first.

MaximalLife

It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

No wonder you folks are in counseling....lol Listen to the therapist. Why do you need a bunch of second opinions for free when you've paid top dollar for professional advice?

Anyway, I don't have girl friends that I go hang out with, and neither does my wife have guy friends.
It's just not appropriate.
We've been married 28 years, and you must decide what you want.
Good luck with everything.

MaximalLife

like Harry told Sally...men and women cant be friends...the sex thing always gets in the way

^^^^^^
THIS!

Noki1024

I didn't read that your guy friends were single like some posters are assuming. If that is the case then, yes, a once in a while phone call or email seems harmless as long as your husband is aware. If your guy friends are attached with girlfriends/wives than why not make it a couples outing?

This statement implies they are single. "...once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage."

I have male friends that aren't married but are attached to someone thus not making them single.

onefourone

You have to have friends and it should not matter on the sex of that friend. I find that having female friends gives me the chance to say what did i do wrong or what should i say and get an answer with out a fight or even better to avoid a fight. Its like having the other teams play book it really helps. I think your decision is made and good luck.

livinginwoods

Well you already after 6 years almost got divorced, in counseling, and refuse to try and change or do what you husband asks? The question perhaps is not about him but about you and what you want. It takes two. Marriage is not easy it is a lot of hard work and COMPROMISE and sometimes doing things you don't want to do to stay together. You can always find new friends. Is he worth throwing away for your old friends so far away? Do some soul searching perhaps instead of relying on strangers opinions such a serious topic.

1a1a

I'd never, ever let a romantic partner cut me off from my friends (be they guys or girls, no matter).

I think the counsellor is a fool. Draw up your pros and cons of staying with your current partner, if you want to fight to keep the relationship, he has to come to the table too, deal with his insecurity and jealousy.

Good luck

PS To say that guys and girls can't ever be friends is ridiculous (and mildly insulting) blanket statement, there are always exceptions from the rule, not every one is driven by sex 24 7.

PPS In my experience, finding new friends is Not as easy as you make it sound.

beautyreaps

like Harry told Sally...men and women cant be friends...the sex thing always gets in the way

^^^^^^
THIS!

YES THIS!

odusgolp

So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?

I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.

We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?

OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.