Is it wrong?

rml_16

I haven't read all six pages. But I will say two things:

You NEED to deal with this in a mature way, which includes acknowledging your husband's feelings and working through the issue.

You need a new therapist.

I have several male friends who were my friends for many years before I ever met my SO. We hung out all the time. One of them even took me out for a drink and dinner at a bar one night for my birthday, just the two of us. He also came to my house to watch a Monty Python marathon with me. On those occassions, we didn't even sit next to each other. We got along great and liked each other, but neither of us was ever interested in more than that. And I have several other instances of such behavior.

If nothing happened with me and those men before I met the SO, when those men and I were all single, nothing is going to happen now.

I would not be willing to give up platonic, innocent friendships in order to be in a relationship, husband or not. But I wouldn't ignore the issue, either.

Munque

Oddly enough, although there are people who are male and people who are female drinking in the same pub, we regularly manage to avoid the whole evening degenerating into an alcohol fuelled orgy!

Your amazing. lol.

KimmieBrie

I think you have chosen your friends over your marriage. In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never. And if you are going to stick to your guns on this one, as you say, then you will have serious problems in you marriage. That's just the way it is. Is may not seem fair, but when you get married, you are married. You don't run around with guys anymore. You grow up and be married.

Sorry if I am being blunt, but I am 48 and been married three times. Hanging out with guy friends made me do things that any healthy female married or not will do if tempted enough, even if I swore I wouldn't. So my other marriages ended because of, among other things, my guy friends. But my present marriage is wonderful because I don't have those friends, or the temptation that comes along with it, to worry about. I am married. I am not a single college girl. There is a big difference.

This^ and perfectly said

Sorry to be blunt, but maybe it had nothing to do with who you were friends with, but your lack of self restraint.

Whaaaat???? Married 3 times at 48... hanging out with your guy friends made you do it even though you swore you wouldn't.... Oh please, you just have no self control and chose to dishonor your husband and your marriage. No one made you do anything. Nice try at an excuse though. Good luck with marriage #3.

Are you kidding me? Grain of salt people... please take some with some of this lousy advice

Traci_33

i have been married for 10 years this coming June. one of my closest friends lives less than 10mins away and he is a man. He isnt single but he was was when i got married. I have known him since I was 5yrs old. I have many male friends. my husband trusts me to be alone with them. he would never ask me to stop being friends with them. BUT i get jealous when he is alone with other woman. I will not make him stop seeing them tho. It's just my low confidence that makes me jealous lol

mo_is_here

I think that if your husband is so against it maybe you should stop. Do you want your friends or do you want your husband? Now I've been married 27 years and he and I both have friends of the opposite sex. I dont hang out with guys without my husband being present though and he doesnt either. I guess you need to come to some type of compromise, in one aspect I dont think it's fair that you can never have guy friends but on the other hand I can understand where your husband is coming from. Keep talking it out until you can come to some type of agreement on this matter. Communication is key.

jdavila73

I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.

What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!

I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?

"I don't feel I have to choose my marriage over my friends" in my opinion is a immature attitude for a married women. Regardless if those friends are men or women. Certainly we are all entitled to have social relationships outside our marriage BUT when friends start to become more important than your marriage...you have a major issue....whether they are male or female. Also define the friendships? Once in awhile you grab lunch together? Do you see them more than once a week?
Are you hanging out in a bar drinking while hubby is at home?

^^^^^THIS^^^^^

LoriBarefoot

The way my husband feels and his concerns are the most important things in the world to me. If your friends are the most important, then in my opinion, that means the marriage isn't a good idea for you.

Dtho5159

Honestly my husband doesn't have any issue with me keeping in touch with guys I went to HS with.. And I don't have issues with him keeping in touch with girls he went to HS with. BUT they all are married so maybe that makes a difference.

cygnetpro

I have always had a ton of guy friends, but when I met my (now ex, but had nothing to do with this) husband, I made sure that he became friends with them as well. I didn't do a lot of stuff just with a guy. I was careful to avoid even the appearance that something was going on, both for my ex, as well as my friends' girlfriends/wives. It just seems like courtesy and a way to make everyone feel comfortable with something that could easily look suspicious. It made it a non-issue.

gayatrik

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

If its abt jus havin friends, any woman can think of choosing marriage over friends n all that...but as u said , he has a prob with u being in some team... that sounds weird to me ... I believe : Any relation is not worth once it reaches a point where we tend to suffocate ....

bigdawg025

I disagree with those who continue to say she should give in to "the husband's wishes". To me this is giving up control of yourself and your life. You are your own person, and nobody owns you or has the right to tell you who you can and can't be friends with. I would say this marriage is most likely over... but only the 2 of you can decide that...

And the coed softball team thing... is absolutely RIDICULOUS!

Chloeoo

I'm only 19 and if I was to ever get involved with a guy that was " bothered " by my male friends... i'd sent him right on his way! That's bs!

EmCarroll1990

I'm only 19 and if I was to ever get involved with a guy that was " bothered " by my male friends... i'd sent him right on his way! That's bs!

You're a smart girl.

Captain_Tightpants

I'm shocked at how many on this thread have said something along the lines of choose your husband or choose your friends. WTF? Are we living in medieval times?

No wonder so many marriages fail when so many of them are apparently built on a foundation of insecurity, mistrust and lack of compromise.

VoodooLuLu

You shouldn't have to drop your friends because a man is insecure. Thats completely ridiculous! I am married and one of my best friends is a guy. My husband NEVER mentions it in a negative way. If you don't have trust you don't have anything. This sounds like a problem I would have had in middle school or something when everyones jealous of everything, not as a adult. Yeah just be a friendless miserable person and stay in the house all day and lose your friends...yeah that sounds fair. I can't imagine dealing with something like that, I honestly would laugh if my Husband even suggested something so stupid. Jealously is pointless. If you wanted to be with your male friends, you would have married/dated them not your HUSBAND who you MARRIED. Duh. That should be good enough.
[/quote]

so true!

mo_is_here

After I read all of the OP's comments I realized there is a lot more going on with her husband than I originally took from her first post. He sounds like he has a LOT going on inside and I'm sure serving in the military played a huge part in that. God bless him for serving his country and I hope he can get the help it sounds like he needs. Good luck to both of you.

Ephena

My ex husband was the same way. There are many reasons he is my ex and his need to control my life while he was allowed to do what he wanted when he wanted is a big factor. Marriage may take compromise but isolating you from your friends (no matter the gender) is not a compromise it's a slippery slope into depression, anger, resentment, and potential abuse. I realize it doesn't always end that way but he's supposed to be your partner not your controller/master/boss/parent.

I've read lots of posts (not just in here) that seem very negative about having friends of the opposite sex while married and seem to believe that you must sacrifice for your marriage. Not everything should be sacrificed, and it is never supposed to be all about what one person wants. Ironically many of my friends who gave up friendships for a spouse now are desperately trying to renew those friendships, some because their marriages fell apart and some because they realized a need for balance . I was one of those people whose marriage had to fall apart before I realized how much control he exerted over my life.

I've been in relationships since my divorce and their ends had nothing to do with the fact that I have friends of the opposite gender.

chulie

Ok...here's my point of view after reading ALL your posts. First, you married this man, so can I safely assume he was not this way before he went away? Can we agree that you loved everything about this man BEFORE he left for duty? That he was a loving man who respected you? If so, then here's my oppinion.

First...I have a guy friend at work, he's to most people an attractive guy and when we started hanging out I'm sure tons of rumors swirled about us, but in the 5 years we've known eachother, I have had zero interest in him, because I see him as I see other friends....a friend....I give him advice on life, we chat, vent, go for coffee together, lunches ect....and if my husband disagreed, we'll....we'd have to figure out why he doesnt trust ME.....So...I think it's wrong to say guys and girls can't be friends....UNSTABLE guys and girls can't be friends...but people in a stable, loving, trusting relationship can definitely be friends with whoever they want!
That being said. It sounds like your husband has suffered some serious trauma being away. While it's very quick to bash him for his actions, just try and think for 2 seconds what life was like over there for him? I think men are screwed up as it is emotionally, imagine adding that kind of trauma, I can't even imagine! Now he comes home, he's all messed up inside, sick and tired of "talking" to a therapist because he's so messed up. He is probably so lost, and spiralling further and further out of control. He is lashing out at the one person he knows loves him enough to be hurt by everything, because deep down inside, hurting you probably feels good in some way because it's the only emotion he can deal with at this moment.

Is it wrong to have male friends? absolultely not, but right now, your husband is seriously messed up. He needs to love himself again before he can love anyone else. He needs to be brought back down to earth and I think that starts with you saying....I'm here and I'm not going anywhere and even though I have ZERO clue what you've been through, I said "for better or worse" and this is the "worse" part and I'm going to fight like hell to get you to the land of the living again...he's LITERALLY coccooning himself away from the world. My advice, reach out to other solider's wives...there must be some sort of support groups where you are....find out what works...and I think it starts with a new therapist who has dealt with soliders.......

Once you sort everything out and get your marriage back on track.....I bet you'll see this whole "no guys allowed" thing dissapear...now...not saying this will be resolved in a month....I'm 8 years into a life with a man who grew up with a cold mother and we are still working on him being ok with opening up about his feelings....it's a struggle...every...single...day....but I love him like no other and I'm willing to love enough for the both of us....

How your husband is acting is one thousand percent inappropriate...it is wrong wrong wrong and NO one would blame you for walking away....EVER....but...you need to remind yourself of who you married and remember he can be that person again..but he needs your help. Not you to say " well f you...you can't decide who my friends are!" .......You just have to decide....Do you have that energy to put into fixing this...because at this point, you have to love enough for both of you.

Good luck....what your facing is going to be a long journey...if you come out on the other side together you'll be stronger and have a ten times better marriage than HALF the stupid comments posted here(not saying everyones are stupid...but seriously....come on people).......and if you dont....like I said...no one would judge you....

messyinthekitchen

I think if it's upsetting your husband then that should be enough for you to stop what you're doing. And yes you should have to choose between your friend and your husband. You married the man and he should come before your friends. Sadly this is not the case. I don't know why this suddenly happens to upset your husband. Have you discussed this with your counselor? And I do think men and women can be friends but at the end of the day at least what I believe you should not continue to be friends with these men if it is upsetting him. Or at least until you can get it resolved and he feels better about the situation.

deeharley

After I read all of the OP's comments I realized there is a lot more going on with her husband than I originally took from her first post. He sounds like he has a LOT going on inside and I'm sure serving in the military played a huge part in that. God bless him for serving his country and I hope he can get the help it sounds like he needs. Good luck to both of you.

^^ This.

lyddsmom

*******I believe that a marriage relationship is the most important relationship.********** When my husband and I feel uncomfortable or feel like something is coming between us, we talk about it and try to figure out where those feelings are coming from. Have a heart to heart with your husband. Maybe he has good reason to feel threatened, but if not then you will be able to assure him that you love him and are being faithful. Does he know your guy friends? Does one of the guys have romantic feelings for you whether acted on or not? These could be causing insecurities. Nothing feels worse than to wonder if the most important person in your life is growing apart from you.

You did ask in this forum if anyone thinks it is wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. So here is my opinion: it is wrong if it is threatening the marriage. I would never want to do anything to threaten my marriage in any way. I certainly have friends and some of them are males, but they NEVER come before my husband. He is the most important person in my life.

Divorce sucks! Don't ruin your marriage. Please talk to your husband and get to the bottom of where his feelings are coming from. If you don't want to honor his feelings than maybe you would be better getting divorced. BUT if you have kids, please try to find a way to work it out. It really is not fair to your kids.

therealjanelle

In a marriage both parties giving respect to the other is tantamount. So is trust. By distrusting your spouse you are disrespecting your spouse.

I have no patience for petty jealousies. If my mate wanted to bar me from some activities simply due to the gender of other participants that would be exceedingly disrespectful and distasteful. Such behaviour would endanger the relationship much more than my continuing to engage in the barred activities!

kag1526

My husband knew before he was married that I am likely to have male friends. I was in high school when we started dating but I was going to a college that had mostly guys. He was jealous at first with him being long distance and me hanging out with guys but he dealt... but once he moved in with me at school and we weren't long distance there were no issues.

He has female friends too.

I don't understand what the issue is there. And if my husband suddenly started having a problem with it I wouldn't dump my friends just to make him happy!! Are all of you saying you would dump any of your friends if your spouse suddenly took a strong disliking to you being around them, even if nothing really happened between you?

In that case does the spouse not have a duty to honor your wish to continue having a friendship? Why does it always go one way?

crisnis

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

Once you're married HE is supposed to be your support system.

GreenEyedGrl86

It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

Agreed. I think maybe you should try and find out why your husband has an issue with it. Maybe he feels that you are putting friends over him, regardless of the sex of said friend. And if your marriage is in trouble, maybe he feels that he isn't seeing any effort on your part to try and fix the issues. Then again, I am not in your relationship and don't know you or your husband's personalities, just an outsiders perspective.

kmp327

I once read something about how dealing with opposite sex friendships is all about keeping the "windows and walls" all in the right place. When there is something private going on in your marriage, if your marriage is solid there is a "wall" in place that separates you and your opposite sex friends, but a "window" between you and your spouse - meaning you talk about it with your spouse and not your friends. Trouble comes when there is a window between you and your guy friend and a wall between you and your husband. So I think it's perfectly fine to have opposite sex friends, as long as you're not sharing super intimate details about your husband with them (especially knowing how your husband feels). If you are, it puts you on a level of intimacy that your husband (understandably) feels uncomfortable with.

serena569

I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

I don't see it as jealousy as much as insecurity. Take a look at your profile picture. Do you see what we see? Your husband does and so do your guy friends!

That being said, my exhusband was never secure with my friendships. And now he is an ex. My boyfriend of 16+ years loves that I'm friends with guys because it helps me understand him better. And if he feels any of them want me, it makes him feel great because he knows I pick him every day.

dawny17

*******I believe that a marriage relationship is the most important relationship.********** When my husband and I feel uncomfortable or feel like something is coming between us, we talk about it and try to figure out where those feelings are coming from. Have a heart to heart with your husband. Maybe he has good reason to feel threatened, but if not then you will be able to assure him that you love him and are being faithful. Does he know your guy friends? Does one of the guys have romantic feelings for you whether acted on or not? These could be causing insecurities. Nothing feels worse than to wonder if the most important person in your life is growing apart from you.

You did ask in this forum if anyone thinks it is wrong to have friends of the opposite sex. So here is my opinion: it is wrong if it is threatening the marriage. I would never want to do anything to threaten my marriage in any way. I certainly have friends and some of them are males, but they NEVER come before my husband. He is the most important person in my life.

Divorce sucks! Don't ruin your marriage. Please talk to your husband and get to the bottom of where his feelings are coming from. If you don't want to honor his feelings than maybe you would be better getting divorced. BUT if you have kids, please try to find a way to work it out. It really is not fair to your kids.

I have to agree for the most part, but if your husband loves you....why would he make you choose? Maybe he's a little insecure, take him with you when you see your guy friends. He needs to feel number one in your life, just as you need to feel number one in his.
I have guy friends and my boyfriend (of 15 yrs) has girl friends, but every night when I lay my head down to sleep......I know I'm not going anywhere and neither is he! you have to have trust, but also respect for each other. Him for you having friends, but also you for his feelings.
Maybe take it slow..and work on your relationship together first. forget about the counsilor, they are just taking your $ ...you need to re-connect and find the relationship (sense of connection) you had when you got married.... Start doing something together (fitness class, date night- not the movies, you don't get to talk, unless there's dinner after wards....heck it go parking down a dirt road) Sometimes we need those little things we use to do in the begining to keep us going forward together.

........and that didn't cost you a thing! GOOD LUCK!!!!

Helenatrandom

Tough issue.
I've had single male friends over the years, and it didn't bother my husband. I did try to include him in the friendship, though. I'd invite them over to dinner at the house, and encourage them to facebook friend each other. They never did become best buddies, but my husband never worried about our friendship, either.
If my husband had made me choose, I would have chosen my husband. But I would have also been angry at him for making me choose.
The world isn't how it used to be any more with the women hanging out in the kitchen and the men in the living room smoking cigars. We have become more "coed", and it is harder to move about in the world and only associate with one's own gender. Even if you try to accommodate your husband (and I do think you should), he will have to compromise on what defines "friendship", or make an effort to at least become acquainted with your male associates, even if only on facebook and the twitter.
Bottom line: You both need to compromise.

melsmith612

I couldn't read through all of the responses here to see if this has already been said but...

I'm like your husband. I asked my husband to give up a lot of his old female friends when our dating relationship became serious. Do I have some self-esteem issues? Sure. Everyone does. Is that the ONLY reason why I asked him to let go of those friendships? Of course not. I've been on both sides of the coin - cheater and cheated. Every time was because of a single person outside of the relationship becoming some form of emotional/physical support to either me or my exes. So your husband is insecure about himself, your marriage (which is obviously already troubled from your description), and your ability to confide in him as your life partner instead of going outside of your relationship to fulfill that male friend role.

My suggestion? If you value the relationship you have with your husband who you vowed to make a lifelong commitment to in front of family and friends... then you'll respect his insecurities until he feels comfortable enough to let go a bit and give you the freedoms you desire. It may take months, it may take years, it may never happen at all but for you to rebel against his requests will probably just make him all that much more insecure when considering your motivations - putting your marriage in a downward spiral.

As for softball... if an all-female league is available in your area - what's the difference which team you play with? In his mind... it's the opportunity you'll have to mingle with other men regardless of intention. I speak from experience with this line of thinking.