Is it wrong?

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  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
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    In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.

    I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.

    Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,849 Member
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    In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.

    I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.

    Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.

    My point exactly. People are going to cheat whether you're checking their every move or not. If they do, it's over. Simple as that.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
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    In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.

    I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.

    Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.

    Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
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    I just don't get why her playing co-ed softball is "going against her husband's wishes," but the husband demanding she doesn't play co-ed softball isn't "going against his wife's wishes."

    Maybe some of you have missed the memo, but women aren't property anymore.

    Ditto this. Two people are in a marriage and BOTH parties are equally important. When a person is so insecure they don't want their spouse speaking to ANY member of the opposite sex, the problem is the insecurity & mistrust and eliminating all contact with the opposite sex isn't going to make that go away. Address the problem, not the symptoms.
  • Carl01
    Carl01 Posts: 9,370 Member
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    <rant> Yes,guys usually have a strong sex drive.
    No,we are not a half breath away at any moment of losing self control and mistreating a lady.
    Even if we find a lady attractive and desirable it does not mean we will inevitably try to have sex with her. </rant>
  • EmCarroll1990
    EmCarroll1990 Posts: 2,849 Member
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    I think you have chosen your friends over your marriage. In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never. And if you are going to stick to your guns on this one, as you say, then you will have serious problems in you marriage. That's just the way it is. Is may not seem fair, but when you get married, you are married. You don't run around with guys anymore. You grow up and be married.

    Sorry if I am being blunt, but I am 48 and been married three times. Hanging out with guy friends made me do things that any healthy female married or not will do if tempted enough, even if I swore I wouldn't. So my other marriages ended because of, among other things, my guy friends. But my present marriage is wonderful because I don't have those friends, or the temptation that comes along with it, to worry about. I am married. I am not a single college girl. There is a big difference.

    This^ and perfectly said

    Sorry to be blunt, but maybe it had nothing to do with who you were friends with, but your lack of self restraint.
  • SueGremlin
    SueGremlin Posts: 1,066 Member
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    In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.

    I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.

    Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.

    Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:
    If I had not witnessed your husband and mine in the same room at the same time in the past, I'd ask you if we were married to the same guy.
  • SinIsIn
    SinIsIn Posts: 1,865 Member
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    It's called PTSD, quit being all "me, me, I, my friends"... etc and get that man some help.

    Should you really want your marriage to work out, compromise and quit going out with those male friends for a bit until you can resolve some of the issues you are having. It sounds like the more you refuse to budge on not letting go of your male friends... the more adamant he is about you not having any contact with men.
  • TourThePast
    TourThePast Posts: 1,753 Member
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    I just don't get why her playing co-ed softball is "going against her husband's wishes," but the husband demanding she doesn't play co-ed softball isn't "going against his wife's wishes."

    Maybe some of you have missed the memo, but women aren't property anymore.
    I can only assume that some of the people posting to this thread only read the OP, and haven't bothered with the rest.

    She IS inviting him to go out with her friends.

    She is NOT hanging out in bars with male friends! Not that there's anything wrong with that, I certainly go to pubs with male friends, always have done. Oddly enough, although there are people who are male and people who are female drinking in the same pub, we regularly manage to avoid the whole evening degenerating into an alcohol fuelled orgy! Of COURSE men and women can be friends. None of my friends would dream of coming onto me, we're not that sort of friends. We're adults, who respect each others boundaries.
  • thor1god1of1awesome
    thor1god1of1awesome Posts: 481 Member
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    It's called PTSD, quit being all "me, me, I, my friends"... etc and get that man some help.

    Should you really want your marriage to work out, compromise and quit going out with those male friends for a bit until you can resolve some of the issues you are having. It sounds like the more you refuse to budge on not letting go of your male friends... the more adamant he is about you not having any contact with men.
    I was about to say the same thing, my wife suffers from PTSD. He needs help, respect his wishes, and do what best for your marriage.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I haven't read all six pages. But I will say two things:

    You NEED to deal with this in a mature way, which includes acknowledging your husband's feelings and working through the issue.

    You need a new therapist.

    I have several male friends who were my friends for many years before I ever met my SO. We hung out all the time. One of them even took me out for a drink and dinner at a bar one night for my birthday, just the two of us. He also came to my house to watch a Monty Python marathon with me. On those occassions, we didn't even sit next to each other. We got along great and liked each other, but neither of us was ever interested in more than that. And I have several other instances of such behavior.

    If nothing happened with me and those men before I met the SO, when those men and I were all single, nothing is going to happen now.

    I would not be willing to give up platonic, innocent friendships in order to be in a relationship, husband or not. But I wouldn't ignore the issue, either.
  • Munque
    Munque Posts: 123
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    Oddly enough, although there are people who are male and people who are female drinking in the same pub, we regularly manage to avoid the whole evening degenerating into an alcohol fuelled orgy!

    Your amazing. lol.
  • KimmieBrie
    KimmieBrie Posts: 825 Member
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    I think you have chosen your friends over your marriage. In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never. And if you are going to stick to your guns on this one, as you say, then you will have serious problems in you marriage. That's just the way it is. Is may not seem fair, but when you get married, you are married. You don't run around with guys anymore. You grow up and be married.

    Sorry if I am being blunt, but I am 48 and been married three times. Hanging out with guy friends made me do things that any healthy female married or not will do if tempted enough, even if I swore I wouldn't. So my other marriages ended because of, among other things, my guy friends. But my present marriage is wonderful because I don't have those friends, or the temptation that comes along with it, to worry about. I am married. I am not a single college girl. There is a big difference.

    This^ and perfectly said

    Sorry to be blunt, but maybe it had nothing to do with who you were friends with, but your lack of self restraint.

    Whaaaat???? Married 3 times at 48... hanging out with your guy friends made you do it even though you swore you wouldn't.... Oh please, you just have no self control and chose to dishonor your husband and your marriage. No one made you do anything. Nice try at an excuse though. Good luck with marriage #3.

    Are you kidding me? Grain of salt people... please take some with some of this lousy advice
  • Traci_33
    Traci_33 Posts: 21 Member
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    i have been married for 10 years this coming June. one of my closest friends lives less than 10mins away and he is a man. He isnt single but he was was when i got married. I have known him since I was 5yrs old. I have many male friends. my husband trusts me to be alone with them. he would never ask me to stop being friends with them. BUT i get jealous when he is alone with other woman. I will not make him stop seeing them tho. It's just my low confidence that makes me jealous lol
  • mo_is_here
    mo_is_here Posts: 95
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    I think that if your husband is so against it maybe you should stop. Do you want your friends or do you want your husband? Now I've been married 27 years and he and I both have friends of the opposite sex. I dont hang out with guys without my husband being present though and he doesnt either. I guess you need to come to some type of compromise, in one aspect I dont think it's fair that you can never have guy friends but on the other hand I can understand where your husband is coming from. Keep talking it out until you can come to some type of agreement on this matter. Communication is key.
  • jdavila73
    jdavila73 Posts: 22
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    I am married and have been for 6 years. When my husband and I got married I used to have tons of guy friends! Since we got married and I moved, I still keep in contact with them from time to time which my husband says bothers him, but I still do it because I don't feel I should have to choose my marriage over my friends. So I was seeing our marriage counselor who told me that I should not have any guy friends. He said it is bad for the marriage. What!? Really? I encourage my husband to have friends that are girls because I am hoping if he doesn't listen to me, then maybe he will listen to thier advice! lol. I have no issues with it, I am not a jelous person, I have no problems with him going out with the guys to a bar, or dance club at all. He doesn't see it that way though. He and apparently my counselor think that once you are married you should not have friends of the opposite sex that aren't also married or it can "ruin" the marriage.

    What do you all think of this? I am not going to stop chatting or hanging out with my guy friends because I think it's stupid to assume my marital problems are because I have friends that are guys. I rarely talk to them on the phone, and I have one or two main guy friends that I hang out with in a group when I go out with the girls, but I have never done or said anything that would give him any reason to be jelous so I have a hard time understanding why he is. I have never cheated on him, even when we were filing for divorce, and we are currently in marriage counseling right now and the newest thing is that he is not happy that I'm on a coed softball team since I am going to be around guys! It's like he is so insecure with himself, he can't stand to let me talk to anyone else!

    I know exactly how I feel about this and am going to stick to my guns on this one, but what would you all do in this situation and what do you think about it?



    "I don't feel I have to choose my marriage over my friends" in my opinion is a immature attitude for a married women. Regardless if those friends are men or women. Certainly we are all entitled to have social relationships outside our marriage BUT when friends start to become more important than your marriage...you have a major issue....whether they are male or female. Also define the friendships? Once in awhile you grab lunch together? Do you see them more than once a week?
    Are you hanging out in a bar drinking while hubby is at home?


    ^^^^^THIS^^^^^
  • LoriBarefoot
    LoriBarefoot Posts: 218 Member
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    The way my husband feels and his concerns are the most important things in the world to me. If your friends are the most important, then in my opinion, that means the marriage isn't a good idea for you.
  • Dtho5159
    Dtho5159 Posts: 1,054 Member
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    Honestly my husband doesn't have any issue with me keeping in touch with guys I went to HS with.. And I don't have issues with him keeping in touch with girls he went to HS with. BUT they all are married so maybe that makes a difference.
  • cygnetpro
    cygnetpro Posts: 419 Member
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    I have always had a ton of guy friends, but when I met my (now ex, but had nothing to do with this) husband, I made sure that he became friends with them as well. I didn't do a lot of stuff just with a guy. I was careful to avoid even the appearance that something was going on, both for my ex, as well as my friends' girlfriends/wives. It just seems like courtesy and a way to make everyone feel comfortable with something that could easily look suspicious. It made it a non-issue.
  • gayatrik
    gayatrik Posts: 173
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    I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

    If its abt jus havin friends, any woman can think of choosing marriage over friends n all that...but as u said , he has a prob with u being in some team... that sounds weird to me ... I believe : Any relation is not worth once it reaches a point where we tend to suffocate ....

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