Is it wrong?
Replies
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So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?
I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.
We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?
OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.
100% this
bump0 -
So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?
I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.
We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?
OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.
ALSO PLEASE REMEMBER this is a weight lose site not a marriage conference!!! If you are seeing a shrink then leave it there I am here as wellas everyone else to lose weight not gain your marriage problems.
If you put your husband first noone else should matter! I guess the wuestion is do you plan to spend the rest of your life with your male friends whom you seem to value the most or your husband whom you have made a commitment to. You know better or worst sickness and health.........?
100% this
bump0 -
What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
Absolutely true!0 -
In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.
I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.
Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.
Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:
Hahaha! I love this!0 -
If I had not witnessed your husband and mine in the same room at the same time in the past, I'd ask you if we were married to the same guy.In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.
I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.
Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.
Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:
Lol0 -
Ok...here's my point of view after reading ALL your posts. First, you married this man, so can I safely assume he was not this way before he went away? Can we agree that you loved everything about this man BEFORE he left for duty? That he was a loving man who respected you? If so, then here's my oppinion.
First...I have a guy friend at work, he's to most people an attractive guy and when we started hanging out I'm sure tons of rumors swirled about us, but in the 5 years we've known eachother, I have had zero interest in him, because I see him as I see other friends....a friend....I give him advice on life, we chat, vent, go for coffee together, lunches ect....and if my husband disagreed, we'll....we'd have to figure out why he doesnt trust ME.....So...I think it's wrong to say guys and girls can't be friends....UNSTABLE guys and girls can't be friends...but people in a stable, loving, trusting relationship can definitely be friends with whoever they want!
That being said. It sounds like your husband has suffered some serious trauma being away. While it's very quick to bash him for his actions, just try and think for 2 seconds what life was like over there for him? I think men are screwed up as it is emotionally, imagine adding that kind of trauma, I can't even imagine! Now he comes home, he's all messed up inside, sick and tired of "talking" to a therapist because he's so messed up. He is probably so lost, and spiralling further and further out of control. He is lashing out at the one person he knows loves him enough to be hurt by everything, because deep down inside, hurting you probably feels good in some way because it's the only emotion he can deal with at this moment.
Is it wrong to have male friends? absolultely not, but right now, your husband is seriously messed up. He needs to love himself again before he can love anyone else. He needs to be brought back down to earth and I think that starts with you saying....I'm here and I'm not going anywhere and even though I have ZERO clue what you've been through, I said "for better or worse" and this is the "worse" part and I'm going to fight like hell to get you to the land of the living again...he's LITERALLY coccooning himself away from the world. My advice, reach out to other solider's wives...there must be some sort of support groups where you are....find out what works...and I think it starts with a new therapist who has dealt with soliders.......
Once you sort everything out and get your marriage back on track.....I bet you'll see this whole "no guys allowed" thing dissapear...now...not saying this will be resolved in a month....I'm 8 years into a life with a man who grew up with a cold mother and we are still working on him being ok with opening up about his feelings....it's a struggle...every...single...day....but I love him like no other and I'm willing to love enough for the both of us....
How your husband is acting is one thousand percent inappropriate...it is wrong wrong wrong and NO one would blame you for walking away....EVER....but...you need to remind yourself of who you married and remember he can be that person again..but he needs your help. Not you to say " well f you...you can't decide who my friends are!" .......You just have to decide....Do you have that energy to put into fixing this...because at this point, you have to love enough for both of you.
Good luck....what your facing is going to be a long journey...if you come out on the other side together you'll be stronger and have a ten times better marriage than HALF the stupid comments posted here(not saying everyones are stupid...but seriously....come on people).......and if you dont....like I said...no one would judge you....
Thank You for this!0 -
You said he was never the same since he got back from deployement and that he started living in a shell, not wanting to go out and such. How long has he been back?
Something probably happened when he was deployed and he doesn't know how to handle it, etc. (PTSS) Some of the "boys" I knew who joined the miliarty, were deployed and came back "men" were never the same. Military personnel see and experience things that we can never imagine in a lifetime and they do a lot of growing and changing.
As frustrating as it is for you, it sounds like he really needs YOUR support right now. Has he gone to counseling besides marriage counseling since coming back? If not, help him get in with someone. He needs you there for him right now. As hard as that is, don't disrespect his wishes right now. I haven't read through all the posts, but your true friends will be there for you while you help him handle the issues that are affecting him right now.
God bless him for serving our country!
^THIS
I know a few other posters made the same suggestion...0 -
I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...
Once you're married HE is supposed to be your support system.
He isn't though. Not since he came back. He has had so many issues with himself that he can't be worried about me and my emotional issues so my family and friends help support me when he wants to be alone and not talk to me. I have to be the one of our relationship constantly nurturing it. He doesn't put much into it anymore and I know he has issues from the war so I take on that role voluntarily otherwise our divorce would have went through back in February. I try to connect with him by playing his video games with him and talking to him about his guns, but other then those subjects, he's not interested in much and doesn't like to do anything I do like shopping, going to the movies, going to the fair, going to touristy sights, travelling...etc..I literally feel like we are roommates. I want things to change but if I give up communication and the things I love like working out and softball, then Im not going to be happy because he's not reciprocating the love and fulfilling that need. My family and friends do. I don't go out alone with guys to bars, its only in groups, and I maybe go to a bar once every 2 to 3 months. To me, its more fun when we have friends around because I can be myself and talk. When im home with him its just video games and depression. He stopped going to our marriage counselor because he thinks he sides with me all the time. I really am making an effort here and my big dilemma is do I stay and keep trying because I took a vow to do so, or do I tell myself I need to move on and start a new life on my own? I don't want to leave him because I love him and feel like I need to take care of him and I don't know what he would do without me. He can't grocery shop because of his anxiety, and he doesn't like talking to people, so he would probably move out in the woods like he keeps talking about and isolate himself and just work on his guns and hunt. I just can't see him being happy alone, even though he isn't very happy married either it feels like sometimes...0 -
I once read something about how dealing with opposite sex friendships is all about keeping the "windows and walls" all in the right place. When there is something private going on in your marriage, if your marriage is solid there is a "wall" in place that separates you and your opposite sex friends, but a "window" between you and your spouse - meaning you talk about it with your spouse and not your friends. Trouble comes when there is a window between you and your guy friend and a wall between you and your husband. So I think it's perfectly fine to have opposite sex friends, as long as you're not sharing super intimate details about your husband with them (especially knowing how your husband feels). If you are, it puts you on a level of intimacy that your husband (understandably) feels uncomfortable with.
This makes a lot of sense! Thanks for posting!0 -
The thing about a post like this is you are going to get some people who agree with you and some who don't, and you can just choose to ignore those who don't.
Why did you get married? Because you loved this man and wanted to be a part of his life for the rest of your life? That is some commitment there! And with that commitment comes a whole lot of compromising. I once read an article from doctor Phil that said marriage should never be 50/50...it should be 100/100. Each person should be giving 100% all of the time and when both partners are doing this neither feels slighted. I agree completely...unfortunately I didn't actually understand this until I was divorced.
Divorce wasn't an easy decision, or at least I didn't want it to look that way. So we went to counseling, twice! The first time my husband didn't agree with what she was telling him to change, said she was only agreeing with me because she was a woman. So he chose the next, at our last session together he almost fought the guy...literally! He couldn't take being told he was wrong.
Makes him sound crazy right? Only he wasn't the only one at fault for my divorce...I believe I checked out before seeing either of the counselors and I was just doing it to save face. At least I could say I tried right?! Our issues had nothing to do with friends of the opposite sex but he wanted me to stay at home and I wanted a career. We could not see eye to eye and I was not going to let him decide my future for me!
Fast forward three years...I have my career, and all of the stress that comes with being a single mom. He has a new wife, she is a stay at home mom. Both of our lives have move forward and we even found a way to be friends...you know who suffers? Our kids!!
If you don't have kids and don't want to try anymore then don't...
But if you have kids then before deciding if your marriage is more important that hanging out with your male friends decide are your male friends worth missing out on half of your children's lives? Half the holidays, half of the weekends, watching your children become close to your ex's new spouse? These were the things I didn't weigh out before I made my decision. And judging by our relationship now I am guessing that if we both wanted it...we could've found a compromise.
Thanks for your post. I was trying to get into dental hygiene earlier last year and he "forgot" to transfer his gi bill in time for me to go to school after I had used my savings that was school money to get him his durango. I started feeling like he doesn't want me to succeed. Like with me losing weight, he likes how I am starting to look, but then complains I spend too much time at the gym. I invited him to join with me and he refuses because he doesn't feel like going. I don't want to give up my own life and become dependent on him because that's not a life for me at all. We don't have children. That is another issue of ours. He has wanted kids since we were married and I always said no the time wasn't right. He was deploying, we were low in funds, etc...always a reason I felt insecure. So last year after we worked through the divorce stuff I brought up the possibility of adopting and he got angry with me. He doesn't want to adopt, so that settled that one. Since then I have decided no children for us until we can be more stable and get our friendship and communication back. I don't want to bring a child into this world and have parents who fight all the time. I grew up with that and don't want that for my future children. The question then becomes, if he will never change, should I leave to start over with my life and get my degree and work on myself, or do I try harder and just pray every day that things will get better? I really do try to include him in everything. I just told him today that a bunch of us want to go bowling and he said oh, ok. So I asked him if he had plans or if he wanted alone time with us or wanted to come along and he said he wanted to have dinner with me so I asked him if we could have dinner alone together and then when he goes to bed I can go cosmic bowling...he said he'd think about it
Im trying to consider his feelings but he doesn't always think about mine. 0 -
Men know what other men are like. There is no real true friendhship between a man and a woman. Men majority of the time have a mentality to hunt. There may be a sense of jealousy from your husband that you get along with these male friends whilst you and your husband are having problems. even when you didnt have problems. its true that when you are married the only relationship you should have with a man is with your husband. he should be your best friend amongst other things. what could you possibly have to talk to other men about? most western women are the cause of all divorces. mainly because they wont compromise or always think they are in the right even when they are doing wrong. and also because they crave the attention of other men. they like to be looked at and/or centre of attention and think harmless flirting is ok. if you crave the attention of other men just goes to show your not ready for the relationship or should not be in one. its the ego of saying i wont change that sends everything in a downward spiral. it dont matter the age, some women never learn and always wonder why relationships go wrong. start looking at yourself!!!! also men do analyse things from the beginning of a relationship, you say he has no reason to mistrust you but men are not stupid he could probably see you talking to men and seeing them make you smile. you are servicing and feeding these inadequacies to him. very selfish act. best councellor you can get is a pastor or priest.
Good Luck.
He wont go to church with me 0 -
What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
If they're hanging out with someone regardless of the fact that it's obviously never going to happen, I find that rather hard to believe. There's got to be something else there, if it were just a matter of "ooh, girl, sleep with," they'd find someone else.0 -
Is it me or am getting this wrong.
Your husband doesn't like you chatting to long term make friends.
Does that include any new male friends that you have made or simply speak to on MFP.
Personally, i let my other half spend time with make or female friends. I may get a little jealous from time to time...but the point being is that you can't live in each others pockets and not have a certain degree of your own independence and social life.
If you can't break out of the four walls if home and life, what else is there?
Some friends are like family members you've known most if your life. Would you stop talking to a close family member?
Yes, marriage is important and how things affect each other. Compromising can mean a lot too. Talk things through.0 -
What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
BS,not all guys are *kitten*.0 -
What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
BS,not all guys are *kitten*.
I never said they would ever follow through with it but at some point it has crossed their mind.0 -
This situation crossed my mind last night, and I thought what about using the guys friends as a bargaining chip. Tell him he's changed. It used to be okay with him for you to have guy friends and now it's not. And you're concerned about his health. You give up the guy friends for six months, with the stipulation that the two of you together will re-evaluate that situation in six months. Meanwhile, he goes to the gym with you five days a week for six months. If he breaks the bargain, you get your friends back. Since exercise is good for depression and other issues, if he doesn't break your bargain, you'll likely get your husband back, and he will go back to letting you have your friends. And if your friends are really friends, they will understand.0
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What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
BS,not all guys are *kitten*.
I never said they would ever follow through with it but at some point it has crossed their mind.
It's crossed my mind to rob a bank. I highly doubt I'll ever do it, though.
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What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
BS,not all guys are *kitten*.
I never said they would ever follow through with it but at some point it has crossed their mind.
It's crossed my mind to rob a bank. I highly doubt I'll ever do it, though.
Lol, true.
My point being, if there's a n existing misttrust between the husband and wife, and wife is hanging out with a guy who "might rob a bank" per se, then the husband will be jealous/concerened even though the wife my not do anything.0 -
What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
BS,not all guys are *kitten*.
I never said they would ever follow through with it but at some point it has crossed their mind.
It's crossed my mind to rob a bank. I highly doubt I'll ever do it, though.
Lol, true.
My point being, if there's a n existing misttrust between the husband and wife, and wife is hanging out with a guy who "might rob a bank" per se, then the husband will be jealous/concerened even though the wife my not do anything.
How is that her fault then and her responsibility to pacify?
Why is it no one has said,yeah he is being an unreasonable jerk and tell him to grow up and knock it off?0 -
But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.0
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But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.
The more appropriate question is why the wife would want to hang out with guys who are like that.0 -
What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
BS,not all guys are *kitten*.
I never said they would ever follow through with it but at some point it has crossed their mind.
It's crossed my mind to rob a bank. I highly doubt I'll ever do it, though.
Lol, true.
My point being, if there's a n existing misttrust between the husband and wife, and wife is hanging out with a guy who "might rob a bank" per se, then the husband will be jealous/concerened even though the wife my not do anything.
How is that her fault then and her responsibility to pacify?
Why is it no one has said,yeah he is being an unreasonable jerk and tell him to grow up and knock it off?
I never said he wasn't being unreasonable.. but to answer your question, she made the decision to hang out with a guy like that. It's no different if your s/o hangs out with a friend that constantly cheats on their wife/husband.. it's not a good influence and isn't healthy.0 -
I never said he wasn't being unreasonable.. but to answer your question, she made the decision to hang out with a guy like that. It's no different if your s/o hangs out with a friend that constantly cheats on their wife/husband.. it's not a good influence and isn't healthy.
From your last two posts you have made a giant leap of assumptions.
I missed anywhere it was said any person she has as a friend has been cheating on anyone.
You seem to be taking your original statement which I said was BS and applying it as fact.
In other words...I say the guys want to have sex with her and that is all they want thus it is bad to have them as friends based on that assumption.0 -
But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.
The more appropriate question is why the wife would want to hang out with guys who are like that.
Now you're assuming her male friends all want to sleep with her. Grow the *kitten* up, men and women can be friends and leave it just as friends. This post is really starting to bother me with all these asinine responses.0 -
But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.
The more appropriate question is why the wife would want to hang out with guys who are like that.
Now you're assuming her male friends all want to sleep with her. Grow the *kitten* up, men and women can be friends and leave it just as friends. This post is really starting to bother me with all these asinine responses.
Wow, that was harsh. I think you should look in the mirror.0 -
But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.
The more appropriate question is why the wife would want to hang out with guys who are like that.
Now you're assuming her male friends all want to sleep with her. Grow the *kitten* up, men and women can be friends and leave it just as friends. This post is really starting to bother me with all these asinine responses.
Wow, that was harsh. I think you should look in the mirror.
I'm sorry, it's just infuriating the way people are just assuming men and women cannot be friends simply because they're different genders, which of course means they are going to want to sleep together. And what does checking myself out in the mirror have anything to do with this post?0 -
But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.
The more appropriate question is why the wife would want to hang out with guys who are like that.
Now you're assuming her male friends all want to sleep with her. Grow the *kitten* up, men and women can be friends and leave it just as friends. This post is really starting to bother me with all these asinine responses.
Wow, that was harsh. I think you should look in the mirror.
I'm sorry, it's just infuriating the way people are just assuming men and women cannot be friends simply because they're different genders, which of course means they are going to want to sleep together. And what does checking myself out in the mirror have anything to do with this post?
Telling me to grow the *kitten* up. It's a bit ironic isn't it? I haven't attacked anyone on here yet you choose to do so to me. Hence the look in the mirror statement, you tell me to grow up yet your first retort is an attack.0 -
It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.
if you were truely invested in the marriage you would do anything to make the other person happy. It sounds like you dont care what your husband thinks and just want to do what you want, that is not a marriage.
Umm..doesn't this go both ways? Why does she have to sacrifice but he doesn't? He won't even stop smoking around her KNOWING that she has a health issue. If he was truly invested in the marriage he would be doing things to make her happy as well. Granted, I don't know the entire story but from reading her posts, it sounds like she is sacrificing much more than he is. And the fact that this only started a month ago makes it even more suspicious. Why is it that he was okay with it before but all of a sudden he's not?
My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married (officially) for 1. We both have friends of the opposite gender. Some are people that we are both friends with, others are my friends, and there are others who are his friends. I will never understand why anyone would demand that thier spouse/significant other/whatever you want to call them give up certain friends simply because of gender. That screams to me that you just don't trust the person you have chosen to be with. And if you can't trust them, then you shouldn't be with them. I get that people have insecurities. I have them too. But just becasue my ex was abusive doesn't mean that I'm going to cower in a corner every time my husband and I have an argument. My husband is NOT my ex. He's a totally different person and I know that I can trust him. Just because an ex cheated doesn't mean that the person you are with will. You have to trust the person who are with. You have to respect one another. In this case, it sounds like there is a lack of both.0 -
But the bank doesn't have to give consent to be robbed. The wife would have to give consent to cheat. If he trusts his wife, it wouldn't matter who she's around.
The more appropriate question is why the wife would want to hang out with guys who are like that.
Now you're assuming her male friends all want to sleep with her. Grow the *kitten* up, men and women can be friends and leave it just as friends. This post is really starting to bother me with all these asinine responses.
Wow, that was harsh. I think you should look in the mirror.
I'm sorry, it's just infuriating the way people are just assuming men and women cannot be friends simply because they're different genders, which of course means they are going to want to sleep together. And what does checking myself out in the mirror have anything to do with this post?
Telling me to grow the *kitten* up. It's a bit ironic isn't it? I haven't attacked anyone on here yet you choose to do so to me. Hence the look in the mirror statement, you tell me to grow up yet your first retort is an attack.
Someone above had mentioned that they were surprised no one had told anyone to "Grow the *kitten* up." So, I did. I did not "attack" you, I asked you to grow up, maybe a bit harshly. Which I also did apologize for and followed with an explanation. It's simply, as I stated above, infuriating that people are so close minded as to assume men and women cannot be simply friends.0 -
Why aren't you asking him to go along?
You mentioned you like to have some of the guys go out with you when you go out with the girls. Doesn't that kind of make it like a group date?
Sorry, but it sounds to me like you wish you were still single.
Your husband should be your best friend and if you are choosing to hang out with other guys over him, sounds like you need to re-evaluate your relationship.
I would also be asking what he does on his weekends away. Just to be supportive and let him know that you care what he is doing, if for no other reason.0
This discussion has been closed.
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