Is it wrong?

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  • j4nash
    j4nash Posts: 1,719 Member
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    What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..
  • paisley2288
    paisley2288 Posts: 913 Member
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    What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..


    ^ this. being single, I know this all too well.
  • BlackRangerX
    BlackRangerX Posts: 133 Member
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    After reading ALL the comments, I see why the divorce rate in America is extremely high these days. You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!!!!! Really, divorce your husband because he does not want you hanging out with your male friends? How about praying?!?

    It seems to me like people are taking wedding vows for granted these days. The saying, "till death do us part" doesn't mean, "well, unless I can't have my way"...

    I don't know your situation, but the answer is not on MFP.
  • rockerbabyy
    rockerbabyy Posts: 2,258 Member
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    After reading ALL the comments, I see why the divorce rate in America is extremely high these days. You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!!!!! Really, divorce your husband because he does not want you hanging out with your male friends? How about praying?!?

    It seems to me like people are taking wedding vows for granted these days. The saying, "till death do us part" doesn't mean, "well, unless I can't have my way"...

    I don't know your situation, but the answer is not on MFP.
    the issue is a bit bigger than not hanging out with male friends. he was fine with it for the first 6 years, why the sudden change?
    yes, she should discuss it with him and try to figure something out, but if he is unwilling to trust his wife then it will never work. and not everyone prays.
  • nodone
    nodone Posts: 10 Member
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    Men know what other men are like. There is no real true friendhship between a man and a woman. Men majority of the time have a mentality to hunt. There may be a sense of jealousy from your husband that you get along with these male friends whilst you and your husband are having problems. even when you didnt have problems. its true that when you are married the only relationship you should have with a man is with your husband. he should be your best friend amongst other things. what could you possibly have to talk to other men about? most western women are the cause of all divorces. mainly because they wont compromise or always think they are in the right even when they are doing wrong. and also because they crave the attention of other men. they like to be looked at and/or centre of attention and think harmless flirting is ok. if you crave the attention of other men just goes to show your not ready for the relationship or should not be in one. its the ego of saying i wont change that sends everything in a downward spiral. it dont matter the age, some women never learn and always wonder why relationships go wrong. start looking at yourself!!!! also men do analyse things from the beginning of a relationship, you say he has no reason to mistrust you but men are not stupid he could probably see you talking to men and seeing them make you smile. you are servicing and feeding these inadequacies to him. very selfish act. best councellor you can get is a pastor or priest. :) Good Luck.
  • xealia
    xealia Posts: 11
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    My now ex husband was like this in the beginning. I could NOT be friends with my Male friend who I knew for 11+ years. I gave in and stopped having male friends because I loved him and didn't want him to feel insecure Then he realized I was bi sexual and that I could possibly cheat on him with women too. So I was NOT allowed to be friends with males OR females I could only be friends with his or my family members (its a small circle and all in it are jerks/abusive/selfish/delinquets). That got old fast. But WAIT then I was not allowed to go to the grocery store alone because the butcher was too friendly with me... It just got worse and worse. Then he started making me afraid to leave my home at all by telling me about all the crimes in our neighborhood and by making me call him when I got to my car, got to my college class, got to my car to come home, was in the car in the parking lot and he would come out and walk me into the building. OMG it got to be too much. I finally broke down and tried to reason with him but he wouldn't have it. I grew a pair and brought it up a few times and he had it and beat me to a pulp in front of our 4 month old child. The state awarded him custody of our child because I was unstable from the 4 years of abuse. I went crawling back and submitted for a while. Then 2 years ago he started abusing our kids. I stood up to him he beat the snot out of me and our kids. I had him arrested this time and didn't drop the charges. Now I have custody of our two boys. I will NEVER date or marry someone AGAIN who cannot trust me to have the friends I want to have weather male, female, transgender, animal, vegatable or mineral. lol

    How is your husband going to handle it if your future children have friends who's only parent is a single father? Are they not going to be friends with them because you and the friends father might become friends? What about male co workers, male bosses? Male doctors? Male teachers???

    Definately your "male" theripist is a dip****. If the friend was making him uncomfortable and it was a female the male theripist wouldn't say you can't be friends with females now would he???
  • flyawaybyebye
    flyawaybyebye Posts: 250
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    It isn't the fact that you have guy friends that is the problem. The problem is that your husband is concerned about you having guy friends, and you don't care about his concern. You care more about your guy friends than about your husband's feelings. THAT is the reason it's bad for your marriage. I have guy friends who aren't married, and it's not a problem for my marriage, but my husband is okay with it. If he wasn't, I'd have to respect his wishes, because he's my husband and my vows were made to him, not to my single guy friends. If you don't respect your husband and care about his feelings, I'm afraid you won't be married for long. My guess is that the more you "stick to your guns", the less comfortable your hubby will be with you having these guy friends. If you were willing to give them up to make him more comfortable, he might eventually come around and be okay with it. (No guarantees about that, but it would be far more likely than if you continue to prioritize your relationships with other men over your relationship with your husband...)
  • flyawaybyebye
    flyawaybyebye Posts: 250
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    After reading ALL the comments, I see why the divorce rate in America is extremely high these days. You have GOT to be kidding me!!!!!!!! Really, divorce your husband because he does not want you hanging out with your male friends? How about praying?!?

    It seems to me like people are taking wedding vows for granted these days. The saying, "till death do us part" doesn't mean, "well, unless I can't have my way"...

    I don't know your situation, but the answer is not on MFP.

    ^
    ^
    ^
    This.
  • rockerbabyy
    rockerbabyy Posts: 2,258 Member
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    It isn't the fact that you have guy friends that is the problem. The problem is that your husband is concerned about you having guy friends, and you don't care about his concern. You care more about your guy friends than about your husband's feelings. THAT is the reason it's bad for your marriage. I have guy friends who aren't married, and it's not a problem for my marriage, but my husband is okay with it. If he wasn't, I'd have to respect his wishes, because he's my husband and my vows were made to him, not to my single guy friends. If you don't respect your husband and care about his feelings, I'm afraid you won't be married for long. My guess is that the more you "stick to your guns", the less comfortable your hubby will be with you having these guy friends. If you were willing to give them up to make him more comfortable, he might eventually come around and be okay with it. (No guarantees about that, but it would be far more likely than if you continue to prioritize your relationships with other men over your relationship with your husband...)

    but he WAS ok with it for 6 years, its just recently since he started going out of town for gun shows that hes decided he doesnt like her having male friends.
  • carebear7951
    carebear7951 Posts: 404 Member
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    It sounds like you made your decision. Hanging out with single male friends takes precedence over your husband's desire for you not to do so.

    Agree!

    It's not just about the friends. It's about something that makes your husband uncomfortable and that he has asked you not to do - and you choosing to do it regardless. I'm not saying you should just blindly follow what your husband says but there should be communication and you should be able to come to an agreement about any situation.

    I have to agree with this. I have been married for 17 1/2 years and have made my share of mistakes (one being that I was so young when we got married that I didn't understand respect and would hang out with co-workers that were men). If your husband asks you not to, your marriage counselor (who is a professional I am assuming) asks you not to....hmmmmm.
  • loserforlife
    loserforlife Posts: 74
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    So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?

    I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.

    We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?

    OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.


    100% this
    bump
  • loserforlife
    loserforlife Posts: 74
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    So, in a few paragraphs people are convinced he is a controlling a$$hat that doesn't trust her and needs to suck it up and deal?

    I don't get that. This is a marriage, not choosing whether or not to goodwill a handbag.

    We have no clue his side of the story. How often are you out with them? How late? How much time on the Internet? Does your husband know these people? Is he invited out every time with you? Has she ever lied about who she's out with? How often does she choose to spend time with her husband over her friends when he asks?

    OP: My point is simply that no one here knows the story... So it's unlikely this thread can help your marriage any. If you're just venting knock yourself out, but I hope you take it with a grain of salt.



    ALSO PLEASE REMEMBER this is a weight lose site not a marriage conference!!! If you are seeing a shrink then leave it there I am here as wellas everyone else to lose weight not gain your marriage problems.
    If you put your husband first noone else should matter! I guess the wuestion is do you plan to spend the rest of your life with your male friends whom you seem to value the most or your husband whom you have made a commitment to. You know better or worst sickness and health.........?


    100% this
    bump
  • Nitachi
    Nitachi Posts: 142
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    What the ladies don't understand is all of your guy friends have thought of or are thinking about sleeping with you. Men just work that way..

    Absolutely true!
  • chubbybunnee
    chubbybunnee Posts: 197 Member
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    In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.

    I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.

    Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.

    Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:

    Hahaha! I love this!
  • chubbybunnee
    chubbybunnee Posts: 197 Member
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    In my opinion it never works to have friends of the opposite sex. Never.

    I very strongly disagree with this statement. Not everything is about sex. Sometimes friends are just friends.

    Like I said above, without trust you have nothing, but also, if someone's gonna cheat and/or be tempted, no amount of watching over your mate is going to change that.

    Same here. I'd trust my husband in a room full of naked supermodels. If I didn't trust him, I wouldn't have married him. Not saying he wouldn't enjoy the eye candy, but I'd be the first person he called to say, "Honey! I'm in a room full of naked supermodels! This is awesome!" :laugh:
    If I had not witnessed your husband and mine in the same room at the same time in the past, I'd ask you if we were married to the same guy.


    Lol
  • chubbybunnee
    chubbybunnee Posts: 197 Member
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    Ok...here's my point of view after reading ALL your posts. First, you married this man, so can I safely assume he was not this way before he went away? Can we agree that you loved everything about this man BEFORE he left for duty? That he was a loving man who respected you? If so, then here's my oppinion.

    First...I have a guy friend at work, he's to most people an attractive guy and when we started hanging out I'm sure tons of rumors swirled about us, but in the 5 years we've known eachother, I have had zero interest in him, because I see him as I see other friends....a friend....I give him advice on life, we chat, vent, go for coffee together, lunches ect....and if my husband disagreed, we'll....we'd have to figure out why he doesnt trust ME.....So...I think it's wrong to say guys and girls can't be friends....UNSTABLE guys and girls can't be friends...but people in a stable, loving, trusting relationship can definitely be friends with whoever they want!
    That being said. It sounds like your husband has suffered some serious trauma being away. While it's very quick to bash him for his actions, just try and think for 2 seconds what life was like over there for him? I think men are screwed up as it is emotionally, imagine adding that kind of trauma, I can't even imagine! Now he comes home, he's all messed up inside, sick and tired of "talking" to a therapist because he's so messed up. He is probably so lost, and spiralling further and further out of control. He is lashing out at the one person he knows loves him enough to be hurt by everything, because deep down inside, hurting you probably feels good in some way because it's the only emotion he can deal with at this moment.

    Is it wrong to have male friends? absolultely not, but right now, your husband is seriously messed up. He needs to love himself again before he can love anyone else. He needs to be brought back down to earth and I think that starts with you saying....I'm here and I'm not going anywhere and even though I have ZERO clue what you've been through, I said "for better or worse" and this is the "worse" part and I'm going to fight like hell to get you to the land of the living again...he's LITERALLY coccooning himself away from the world. My advice, reach out to other solider's wives...there must be some sort of support groups where you are....find out what works...and I think it starts with a new therapist who has dealt with soliders.......

    Once you sort everything out and get your marriage back on track.....I bet you'll see this whole "no guys allowed" thing dissapear...now...not saying this will be resolved in a month....I'm 8 years into a life with a man who grew up with a cold mother and we are still working on him being ok with opening up about his feelings....it's a struggle...every...single...day....but I love him like no other and I'm willing to love enough for the both of us....

    How your husband is acting is one thousand percent inappropriate...it is wrong wrong wrong and NO one would blame you for walking away....EVER....but...you need to remind yourself of who you married and remember he can be that person again..but he needs your help. Not you to say " well f you...you can't decide who my friends are!" .......You just have to decide....Do you have that energy to put into fixing this...because at this point, you have to love enough for both of you.

    Good luck....what your facing is going to be a long journey...if you come out on the other side together you'll be stronger and have a ten times better marriage than HALF the stupid comments posted here(not saying everyones are stupid...but seriously....come on people).......and if you dont....like I said...no one would judge you....


    Thank You for this!
  • crikee15
    crikee15 Posts: 155 Member
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    You said he was never the same since he got back from deployement and that he started living in a shell, not wanting to go out and such. How long has he been back?

    Something probably happened when he was deployed and he doesn't know how to handle it, etc. (PTSS) Some of the "boys" I knew who joined the miliarty, were deployed and came back "men" were never the same. Military personnel see and experience things that we can never imagine in a lifetime and they do a lot of growing and changing.

    As frustrating as it is for you, it sounds like he really needs YOUR support right now. Has he gone to counseling besides marriage counseling since coming back? If not, help him get in with someone. He needs you there for him right now. As hard as that is, don't disrespect his wishes right now. I haven't read through all the posts, but your true friends will be there for you while you help him handle the issues that are affecting him right now.

    God bless him for serving our country!

    ^THIS

    I know a few other posters made the same suggestion...
  • chubbybunnee
    chubbybunnee Posts: 197 Member
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    I just don't understand where all of this jelousy is coming from! I mean common! He doesn't like me bring on a coed softball team? He is making be feel so isolated. I just don't get the difference between having guys as friends and girls as friends. We all hang out the same way regardless. There is no flirting, there is no hiding anything, it's just more fun when we all mingle together. I just feel like he's trying to cut me off from my friends and they were all there for me when he was not so it's like he's taking away my support system...

    Once you're married HE is supposed to be your support system.

    He isn't though. Not since he came back. He has had so many issues with himself that he can't be worried about me and my emotional issues so my family and friends help support me when he wants to be alone and not talk to me. I have to be the one of our relationship constantly nurturing it. He doesn't put much into it anymore and I know he has issues from the war so I take on that role voluntarily otherwise our divorce would have went through back in February. I try to connect with him by playing his video games with him and talking to him about his guns, but other then those subjects, he's not interested in much and doesn't like to do anything I do like shopping, going to the movies, going to the fair, going to touristy sights, travelling...etc..I literally feel like we are roommates. I want things to change but if I give up communication and the things I love like working out and softball, then Im not going to be happy because he's not reciprocating the love and fulfilling that need. My family and friends do. I don't go out alone with guys to bars, its only in groups, and I maybe go to a bar once every 2 to 3 months. To me, its more fun when we have friends around because I can be myself and talk. When im home with him its just video games and depression. He stopped going to our marriage counselor because he thinks he sides with me all the time. I really am making an effort here and my big dilemma is do I stay and keep trying because I took a vow to do so, or do I tell myself I need to move on and start a new life on my own? I don't want to leave him because I love him and feel like I need to take care of him and I don't know what he would do without me. He can't grocery shop because of his anxiety, and he doesn't like talking to people, so he would probably move out in the woods like he keeps talking about and isolate himself and just work on his guns and hunt. I just can't see him being happy alone, even though he isn't very happy married either it feels like sometimes...
  • chubbybunnee
    chubbybunnee Posts: 197 Member
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    I once read something about how dealing with opposite sex friendships is all about keeping the "windows and walls" all in the right place. When there is something private going on in your marriage, if your marriage is solid there is a "wall" in place that separates you and your opposite sex friends, but a "window" between you and your spouse - meaning you talk about it with your spouse and not your friends. Trouble comes when there is a window between you and your guy friend and a wall between you and your husband. So I think it's perfectly fine to have opposite sex friends, as long as you're not sharing super intimate details about your husband with them (especially knowing how your husband feels). If you are, it puts you on a level of intimacy that your husband (understandably) feels uncomfortable with.

    This makes a lot of sense! Thanks for posting!
  • chubbybunnee
    chubbybunnee Posts: 197 Member
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    The thing about a post like this is you are going to get some people who agree with you and some who don't, and you can just choose to ignore those who don't.

    Why did you get married? Because you loved this man and wanted to be a part of his life for the rest of your life? That is some commitment there! And with that commitment comes a whole lot of compromising. I once read an article from doctor Phil that said marriage should never be 50/50...it should be 100/100. Each person should be giving 100% all of the time and when both partners are doing this neither feels slighted. I agree completely...unfortunately I didn't actually understand this until I was divorced.

    Divorce wasn't an easy decision, or at least I didn't want it to look that way. So we went to counseling, twice! The first time my husband didn't agree with what she was telling him to change, said she was only agreeing with me because she was a woman. So he chose the next, at our last session together he almost fought the guy...literally! He couldn't take being told he was wrong.

    Makes him sound crazy right? Only he wasn't the only one at fault for my divorce...I believe I checked out before seeing either of the counselors and I was just doing it to save face. At least I could say I tried right?! Our issues had nothing to do with friends of the opposite sex but he wanted me to stay at home and I wanted a career. We could not see eye to eye and I was not going to let him decide my future for me!

    Fast forward three years...I have my career, and all of the stress that comes with being a single mom. He has a new wife, she is a stay at home mom. Both of our lives have move forward and we even found a way to be friends...you know who suffers? Our kids!!

    If you don't have kids and don't want to try anymore then don't...

    But if you have kids then before deciding if your marriage is more important that hanging out with your male friends decide are your male friends worth missing out on half of your children's lives? Half the holidays, half of the weekends, watching your children become close to your ex's new spouse? These were the things I didn't weigh out before I made my decision. And judging by our relationship now I am guessing that if we both wanted it...we could've found a compromise.


    Thanks for your post. I was trying to get into dental hygiene earlier last year and he "forgot" to transfer his gi bill in time for me to go to school after I had used my savings that was school money to get him his durango. I started feeling like he doesn't want me to succeed. Like with me losing weight, he likes how I am starting to look, but then complains I spend too much time at the gym. I invited him to join with me and he refuses because he doesn't feel like going. I don't want to give up my own life and become dependent on him because that's not a life for me at all. We don't have children. That is another issue of ours. He has wanted kids since we were married and I always said no the time wasn't right. He was deploying, we were low in funds, etc...always a reason I felt insecure. So last year after we worked through the divorce stuff I brought up the possibility of adopting and he got angry with me. He doesn't want to adopt, so that settled that one. Since then I have decided no children for us until we can be more stable and get our friendship and communication back. I don't want to bring a child into this world and have parents who fight all the time. I grew up with that and don't want that for my future children. The question then becomes, if he will never change, should I leave to start over with my life and get my degree and work on myself, or do I try harder and just pray every day that things will get better? I really do try to include him in everything. I just told him today that a bunch of us want to go bowling and he said oh, ok. So I asked him if he had plans or if he wanted alone time with us or wanted to come along and he said he wanted to have dinner with me so I asked him if we could have dinner alone together and then when he goes to bed I can go cosmic bowling...he said he'd think about it :( Im trying to consider his feelings but he doesn't always think about mine.

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